joan
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Posts: 100
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Post by joan on Sept 17, 2018 5:48:45 GMT
Andy - Also I'm sorry for what you went through with having multiple friends turn on you like that. That can really kill your trust and faith in people who you relied on to care about you. That was my experience with not only best friends, but my parents and other adults in my life growing up.
I agree with you that I need to stop seeking safety in others, especially when they prove to be unreliable, but keep reminding myself that I'm safe and good with or without them.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 17, 2018 9:00:51 GMT
Hey joan ....I think sometimes we can get so fixated on symptoms that we don't consider that there is something deeper that is going on. Case in point....I used to go absolutely crazy about text message response times and I would blame myself for not having a better handle over myself. But I was talking to a friend a couple of weeks ago and it became clear that text messaging was not the issue. The issue was that he was not fully invested in the relationship and that rea woken fears that I could be abandoned at any time. If anything...all my gyrations about text response times etc should have been a signal to me that my needs were not being met on a deeper level. It wasn't an AP thing (although I used AP tactics to try to cope with it) or a DA/FA thing (since I don't honestly know his attachment). It was simply two people who were at different places...saw the "relationship" differently and could not meet each other's needs no matter how good the intention was. I know you are working on your patterns and taking responsibility for your part and trying to change your side of this dynamic....but maybe you need a break from each other for true healing to take place. I know you care about him...I know you care about you....maybe in the time apart you will each find a way to come back together...or maybe you will find that what was keeping you from truly connecting is something that you cannot overcome. It is only a suggestion. I wish you well. Yes tnr9 I agree you. While I have my attachment issues, my current partner definitely triggers them much more than someone who showed more investment in me. The thing is when I was with I believe a more secure partner I was still easily triggered. If anything I acted out worse because he allowed it. My current partner who's possibly DA would not tolerate the amount of questioning and protest behaviors I displayed with my ex secure partner. He'd walk away. I know that, and that's what makes me feel so uneasy. My ex secure partner stuck through it, and with time I calmed down. Unfortunately that calm, peaceful relationship started to feel like a lack of passion. I got bored, restless and felt like I was falling out of love. So while I say I want a calm, loving, consistent and peaceful relationship, somewhere inside me doesn't know how. They say AP's are just as emotionally unavailable as DA's and I agree with that. I've come to recognize that in myself. I feel if I were to find a secure partner I'd get triggered into avoidance as I have in the past. I don't know how to love or accept love from a partner. I may have feelings of it, but the dysfunction in me would almost rather chase it then get it.  All I am suggesting is to put a pause on the relationship for a while to work out some of the issues that are driving your attachment wounding. It can be challenging to work on "you" while also trying to work on "us". A pause will also let you decide objectively without your attachment wounding calling the shots, whether you want to actually stay with your partner. It sounds like what you currently have is drama which is disguised as passion...perhaps I am wrong. I understand where you are coming from.....men who are not available fully are a trigger for me...I can't really put my finger on the specifics because it doesn't happen with every unavailable man..but needless to say..that feels like home base to me. Then I go about trying to prove myself, all the while having deep moments of fear/doubt and on the other side resentment/entitlement. I am really tired of this pattern, because it is not fair to me..it is simply repeating what did not work in childhood....it is simply changing the main character but keeping the plot line. I wonder if that is how it is for you? I still crave it...like an addict...I think I could have done different things that resulted in a different outcome...but that is just the despair of a little girl whose father was unavailable and she kept thinking it was her fault that he left and if she had just done this or that he would have stayed. I don't know your childhood joan....but it is worth exploring how your current partner mirrors your relationship with your dad. Whether you choose to pause, leave or stay I truly wish you well on your journey. |
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andy
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Posts: 131
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Post by andy on Sept 18, 2018 3:43:33 GMT
Having these issues, it's hard to sometimes know your own mind let alone to try to figure out someone else's. I've been working at staying away from trying to figure out my partner's mind, and working on figuring out my own. This is excellent, joan! Remember too that it's absolutely okay if you value more closeness and communication in relationships than the mainstream dating advice tells you you should want. I think it's great to honour yourself whether or not your vision of a happy relationship is everyone's cup of tea, and find someone who wants similar things or is flexible enough to meet you partway. And although you are diving into some deep work with yourself, you are certainly not alone, as you know! All the best with figuring out and (most importantly) lovingly accepting yourself as you are now and as you'd like to be. ♡ |
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andy
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Posts: 131
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Post by andy on Sept 18, 2018 3:51:03 GMT
Andy - Also I'm sorry for what you went through with having multiple friends turn on you like that. That can really kill your trust and faith in people who you relied on to care about you. That was my experience with not only best friends, but my parents and other adults in my life growing up. I agree with you that I need to stop seeking safety in others, especially when they prove to be unreliable, but keep reminding myself that I'm safe and good with or without them. Thank you for your compassion, joan! That's lovely of you. I'm sending it back to you and wishing you healing from all the hurt you've experienced. I think it is okay to need others... we all do, whether or not we admit it. So I hope you will be gentle with yourself about your process and accept your desire to seek safety from others. As you do that, you can also build up your trust in yourself as a reliable person who loves you and will do everything in her power to make your life happy and safe. |
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