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Post by 8675309 on Oct 31, 2018 3:05:41 GMT
I stumbled here dating an avoidant. I have taken a couple of tests. I test heavy secure, a bit DA and tiny bit anxious.
I read a ton of posts here and info elsewhere. Upon reflecting after taking these tests... Im like DA? What? LOL.
After some serious reflecting I see my DA now. My DA is triggered when Ive lost that loving feeling and very needy/anxious/smothering people. Mainly in a romantic sense, I have more tolerance for those that are friends. I find myself with those friends trying to help them take their power. Im always the, you got this, just like I am here. I feed them my good energy. Its just who I am, Im always the glass is half full. I do need a recharge after time with anxious friends. I didnt in my younger years but I sure do now.
Im a firm believer in we all have more strength than we think. 
My DA totally triggered my anxious side but my secure side kept my behavior in check. Ive never been so anxious until a man like him. Just goes to show, we can all be triggered, my anxious is very low but the anxious was so 'high' at one point. I just cannot imagine what its like for AP's, I never want to be in that anxious state again... I feel for you, and mine was So minor in comparison. Some points Id like to make.
-While secure we are not 100%, nobody is. And Im pretty hardcore on my perfectly imperfect awesomeness.  I own who I am. Doesn't mean I dont take a hit or two or three...
-We cant just shut off feelings. Secure doesn't mean its easy to do that at all.
-Being secure does not make it easy to just let go either. While we may let go faster and cut it off for our own well being... its not easy at all for some we come across, hence my DA....
My DA has been so hard to let go of even when I know I can be with someone else that is open emotionally. I know I can with all my being but its still hard to let go. I know its not personal but doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or thats its easy. It may be 'easier' for us over other types but dont think being secure makes it all better.
-We can have insecurities too, they just dont rule us. Dont let them rule you. You're gosh darn awesome even with your 'issues'. We are not our issues, they are only Part of who we are.
-Secure doesn't mean it will work with other types. I still triggered my DA and showed no anxiousness. I sat in that state alone. He may have thought that but I wasn't, I was just asking for normal healthy things... This is Not to say I have no culpability at all though. We get along great when together, the sex is hot, and have a bunch in common, but here I am! Hes still triggered...
-Also from reading this forum, not everything is about attachment, people are people and we are just human. We can spin, get lost in irrational thoughts, fantasize, ect just like any other. Our secure-ness keeps us from 'spinning out of control' and staying trapped in it though. Just noting, its not like we dont have these thoughts or fantasies at time like others.
Motivation for you on Youtube.
Abraham Hicks- The power of manifesting your life, love and thoughts.
Matthew Hussey-(mainly ladies but I think he can help both men and women) Hes all about seeing your value and keeping yourself in check so to speak. And dating tips.
Nu Mindframe- She has a bunch of stuff on attachment, narcs, toxic family/behaviors, etc. |
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liz
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by liz on Oct 31, 2018 13:48:12 GMT
Thanks for these "Confessions" threads.
I'd like to add my confession too. I tested secure all the time but with this DA, I'm triggered into a fearful anxious state by the lack of contact. I also don't understand why it is taking me extraordinarily long to get over him. I'd really like to forget him quickly but find myself acting more AP instead, i.e. dragging the recovery process by ruminating, etc. We were together for only a few months and saw each other a handful of times, so I really don't understand it. It's true that we match each other in almost every way and my mind is registering this as an ideal relationship, despite the fact that he is DA and hardly communicated with me. There are also many sides to him that I do not like, but somehow, they seem to fade into the background and do not become deal breakers, even including the deactivation actions and pulling away! They were deal breakers for his ex spouse and previous relationships. It's true that it's the deal breaker for me this time, but a part of me still wants to get back together and I'm using up all my Jedi force just to coerce myself to go absolutely No Contact. Lol.
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 31, 2018 14:07:48 GMT
Thanks for these "Confessions" threads. I'd like to add my confession too. I tested secure all the time but with this DA, I'm triggered into a fearful anxious state by the lack of contact. I also don't understand why it is taking me extraordinarily long to get over him. I'd really like to forget him quickly but find myself acting more AP instead, i.e. dragging the recovery process by ruminating, etc. We were together for only a few months and saw each other a handful of times, so I really don't understand it. It's true that we match each other in almost every way and my mind is registering this as an ideal relationship, despite the fact that he is DA and hardly communicated with me. There are also many sides to him that I do not like, but somehow, they seem to fade into the background and do not become deal breakers, even including the deactivation actions and pulling away! They were deal breakers for his ex spouse and previous relationships. It's true that it's the deal breaker for me this time, but a part of me still wants to get back together and I'm using up all my Jedi force just to coerce myself to go absolutely No Contact. Lol. Im using Jedi force too! haha. Hes deleted from my phone and muted on social media. Its easier as the days go on.
I let my DA linger way longer than I should have.
Its why I posted, it can be a struggle for a secure too, we all have some anxiousness within and those people in our life thats hard to let go of.
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liz
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by liz on Oct 31, 2018 14:10:54 GMT
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 31, 2018 14:20:02 GMT
Ha ha. yes.
Im still have to deal with his next come back as I know he will be back! LOL
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liz
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by liz on Oct 31, 2018 14:23:58 GMT
Ha ha. yes.
Im still have to deal with his next come back as I know he will be back! LOL
Actually, that's not a bad thing, if he is consistent. Can you somehow gradually shorten the time apart? For me, it's the other way round, Red Shift instead of Blue Shift, which is why I gave up trying. |
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Post by stayhappy on Oct 31, 2018 14:29:29 GMT
For me the hardest thing to be involved with a DA was that he never really gave us a chance. He said I was not the one but from what I have read about avoidants that’s a classic deactivating strategy. But I got confuse, am I really not the one or he is pulling away because of his fear of true intimacy? I’m not delusional, I know there was a connection. Those mixed signals were the worst. I read somewhere that DAs pull away people that are actually important to them because it’s those people who can hurt them. I guess I will never know.
We haven’t seen or speak with each other for a while now and I was totally ok with that, I was pretty indifferent actually. I had convinced myself that he is so over me and not even remember that I exist anymore... Until yesterday when he watched my stories on a social media. He never did that.I was surprised and anxious and trying to figure out if it meant anything. Than I went back to the rational and thought it didn’t mean anything, if he changes his mind he would say.
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 31, 2018 14:39:01 GMT
Ha ha. yes.
Im still have to deal with his next come back as I know he will be back! LOL
Actually, that's not a bad thing, if he is consistent. Can you somehow gradually shorten the time apart? For me, it's the other way round, Red Shift instead of Blue Shift, which is why I gave up trying. I tried for a once a week date night and he ran after that, gone for two months. His away times have gotten longer, at least this last time it was, it was almost two months. He usually vanished for 3 weeks to a month. Im giving it at least another month before his comeback this time. Its been a few weeks since I cut it off.
My friend makes jokes and says one day hes going to just show up with a ring because he keeps coming back! haha.
Hes certainly lingering on my social media... While I know this means nothing in reality... but if Im not interested in someone/want anything to to with them knowing they like me, I dont linger there, I leave them alone and give them no hope by hitting up their instastory! LOL I stay far away..
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liz
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by liz on Oct 31, 2018 14:44:40 GMT
Hello stayhappy. For a successful recovery and moving on, I find that it is necessary to "deactivate" in our own way, mute all thoughts/signs/signals of and from him, including avoiding wondering if he is thinking of me, checking up on me, etc. I believe that once a break up is decisive, it is much more beneficial to focus on the thoughts and deeds that place greater distance apart, spiraling out of each other's orbit, so to speak. I'm not great at this, trust me, or I won't hang out here but enjoying my life without a care about relationships. That's where I hope to get, but got into a lapse because of renewed contact and flirting with this ex. He has no intention of getting back though, so I'm back to focus on my own Red Shift with all of my Jedi Force.  |
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liz
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by liz on Oct 31, 2018 14:46:25 GMT
I tried for a once a week date night and he ran after that, gone for two months. His away times have gotten longer, at least this last time it was, it was almost two months. He usually vanished for 3 weeks to a month. Im giving it at least another month before his comeback this time. Its been a few weeks since I cut it off.
My friend makes jokes and says one day hes going to just show up with a ring because he keeps coming back! haha.
Hes certainly lingering on my social media... While I know this means nothing in reality... but if Im not interested in someone/want anything to to with them knowing they like me, I dont linger there, I leave them alone and give them no hope by hitting up their instastory! LOL I stay far away..
Actually, lingering on your social media means he's not really over...that's kinda AP of him. |
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Post by stayhappy on Oct 31, 2018 14:58:22 GMT
Haha I listen to the Taylor’s album Red a lot 😂. But I’m not at “we are never ever getting back together” yet... most at “the last time” or “Red” 😂😂😂
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liz
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by liz on Oct 31, 2018 15:19:22 GMT
Haha I listen to the Taylor’s album Red a lot 😂. But I’m not at “we are never ever getting back together” yet... most at “the last time” or “Red” 😂😂😂 Personally, Taylor Swift isn't my usual go-to musician, but the song is so cathartic ! Maybe if you start singing more "Goodbye" songs it might help your resolve to move on? I find the heartbreak/pining types of songs make it more difficult to listen to as music does affect me vicariously. |
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Post by stayhappy on Oct 31, 2018 15:32:00 GMT
Haha I listen to the Taylor’s album Red a lot 😂. But I’m not at “we are never ever getting back together” yet... most at “the last time” or “Red” 😂😂😂 Personally, Taylor Swift isn't my usual go-to musician, but the song is so cathartic ! Maybe if you start singing more "Goodbye" songs it might help your resolve to move on? I find the heartbreak/pining types of songs make it more difficult to listen to as music does affect me vicariously. I don’t have problems to move on actually. I let it takes the time it takes, no stress. Most of the days I’m good. There are some moments that I will think back and miss the good moments but soon enough I will remember the reasons why it didn’t work and be sure I did the right thing. |
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 31, 2018 16:45:16 GMT
I tried for a once a week date night and he ran after that, gone for two months. His away times have gotten longer, at least this last time it was, it was almost two months. He usually vanished for 3 weeks to a month. Im giving it at least another month before his comeback this time. Its been a few weeks since I cut it off.
My friend makes jokes and says one day hes going to just show up with a ring because he keeps coming back! haha.
Hes certainly lingering on my social media... While I know this means nothing in reality... but if Im not interested in someone/want anything to to with them knowing they like me, I dont linger there, I leave them alone and give them no hope by hitting up their instastory! LOL I stay far away..
Actually, lingering on your social media means he's not really over...that's kinda AP of him. Ha ha, right in the ‘AP’. I’m going to take it as it means nothing though. He wants me, he will come. All I know is I don’t look at his. After the cut off I liked one last picture of his and muted him. His stuff always popped up because we interacted there. That dang algorithm... lol I’m not one to block unless one is cray cray. Love the mute feature! Lol I’m glad IG added that. I don’t have Facebook. I shut that down in the spring. I don’t even care to have it back. I like IG though. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 2, 2018 2:36:01 GMT
Haha I listen to the Taylor’s album Red a lot 😂. But I’m not at “we are never ever getting back together” yet... most at “the last time” or “Red” 😂😂😂 Brilliant. I've been listening to Taylor Swift for 3 years now lol. I'm 39, so it's my guilty pleasure, like dessert. I think there is a Taylor Swift lyric for everything. |
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I own who I am. Doesn't mean I dont take a hit or two or three...
