The Digital Human - why are we on this forum?

I love this thread! Thanks for starting the discussion, ocarina. I think it is great to be asking ourselves these big questions about our aims and values here. 

The boards have helped me learn a lot about myself and attachment generally. And I like to offer insights to people struggling in relationships that might have been helpful to me when I was going through a similar struggle. I also find it really interesting to get to know people in a digital community. I don't see it as a more detached way of relating, necessarily, because we get right into our thoughts, ideas, feelings. No small talk, and fewer of the social distinctions that might otherwise keep us from engaging meaningfully with each other. Not that there aren't social distinctions still at work here, but a lot of them might be less evident.

I guess my own aim and preference here is to minimize any gap in the way we treat each other online versus in person. People are right to point out that there's a lot we don't know about each other, so we can't always tailor our communication to the other's needs and wishes. And we can't always come back later to talk to them at a more opportune time. Still, my own preference is to try to frame my message with consideration of the range of ways it might land for the other person. Of course, I can't always predict this accurately. And folks are right to point out that we are ultimately responsible for our own interpretation of others' words, and if we find ourselves triggered by what someone else has said, it can be a good cue to self-reflect and work on something. That can be fruitful! At the same time, I think it is inevitable that we impact each other emotionally, not always positively (which is not the same as saying we directly cause each other's feelings, as there is personal context and interpretation that also goes into creating emotion), and that we have some shared responsibility for how our conversations turn out. I think both pieces are valid: our responsibility towards the other to be mindful of their feelings, and also our self-responsibility to accept the honest answers we get in response to our questions and manage our own reactions. There may be some tendency to prioritize one or the other depending on attachment style. As an anxious-leaning person, I am REALLY into the responsibility towards the other and trying to anticipate possible hurts and guard against them in the way I deliver my message, but my avenue for growth may be on the other side: communicating more frankly and assertively, assuming more self-responsibility for my reactions, asking less of others, and realizing that I cannot control how others feel and behave. I can grow in these ways without throwing away my gentleness and sensitivity, which are traits I value in myself and know to be great strengths. And I think the inverse may be true for more avoidant types: that they can grow in the direction of responsibility towards the other without throwing away their straightforwardness and respect for individual autonomy (their own and everybody else's) and all the other strengths they bring.

My own belief is that people are best supported to change and grow when others communicate with them in way that makes respect and care extremely evident (I would say "unmistakable," but I know that our wounding can lead us to make big mistakes in interpretation that would surprise most others), and that also meets them where they are at. On the other hand, sometimes I might be so careful to demonstrate care that I sacrifice clarity and beat around the bush. Communication also needs to be clear and candid to be effective. So it is a real balancing act: communicating clearly and honestly, and also with obvious care. Each of us may have a different direction for growth to really deliver both.  

There has been some discussion of censorship here. I agree that when we come to a public forum, we can expect to encounter a wide range of ideas and communication styles. And if we ask a question, we have to accept that the honest answer might not be what we were hoping for and might in fact be more useful to us than what we were hoping for. I do not want anyone to be censored - obviously not counting discriminatory remarks, personal abuse, etc. which I assume violate some kind of guidelines here and would be removed by a moderator. Sometimes people offer feedback about what others have said and whether or not it has felt helpful and supportive to them, and I don't think that feedback should be confused with censorship, or censored itself either! I liked leavethelighton's suggestion that people can say upfront if they are not looking for advice. I also think it is legit for people to let others know mid-conversation what they do or don't want, even if they did not state that at the outset, and I would hope that we would all respect that as much as possible. Like there was a recent thread where OP was basically saying "Back off - I told you I'm not receptive to this" and my own preference would be to honour that. I get that there is some complexity in this, as we are not always ONLY talking to OP and we hope that our words may help everyone who is reading and participating, yet I personally like to give OP some special consideration in specifying what they do/don't want in their thread.




Yeah, so this is a very real issue for me. I do tend to get sucked in when it comes to social media and this board and struggle to keep my life balanced. There are so many benefits of participating here (as I've already shared!), and I also recognize that it can sometimes tip into a negative zone for me. 

Therefore, I am announcing right now that I am taking a good long break from the boards. I will for sure be back again, but not for a good while... a month or more. See you then! Big <3 to all!  

A thought on all this-- you know, a big part of attachment challenges is difficulty being able to know and/or ask for what one wants. So it wouldn't be surprising if people here don't always know and/or ask for what they want (ex: advice, support, silent listening, whatever). But of course trying to learn these skills is part of what we're after here too so it could be a good place to practice it.

i agree with this.
i love this forum and am very sincere about the personal exchanges i have here. it's rich and valuable andnreal. SO, BONUS.

really. the internet is a tool that cannot and should not replace intimate IRL interaction.

i feel that the push to make this as everybody's cozy safe space is twisted. that's how i really feel, and thats just me.

if the digital age is so dang impersonal and blah blah blah what happened to IRL interactions omg let's fix it so that an online forum interaction can be just like your BEST FRIEND BFF forever so you feel so cherished and loved online just like you need but aren't getting IRL.... NO, That's not what this is or should be, in my opinion.
it's just an opinion.


believe what you want about what's best for people's growth, and if you are trying to influence that and want to tailor your approach according to what you believe they need, have at it. again, not everyone will agree with even THAT. some of us are just here contributing and don't have the same view as to doing exactly what OP's cry out for. truly, i just show up and share. it helps me to unpack things and i hope is helpful. if not, no crimes. no need to adjust necessarily. i post within my conscience and AGAIN, not everyone will agree on what's good or bad or whatever.


people here aren't generally abusive and cruel, they say things that people with dysfunctional relationship patterns don't like and are hurt by reading. But- do we need to make the internet of strangers who mean well but have real shit to say their best friend ?

Part of growing healthy is to cultivate a support system in real life and life does make that available, whether one has the capacity for it or not.

Absent bullying, abuse, stalking, all those internet misbehavior, i don't see anything negative really about what goes on here.

Jeb said it well. I feel like people are trying to make this what it really doesn't have to be.

it's a forum. it is different and in my mind damn well should be . it does seem to help a lot of people.

if it's ouchie, then find another place? do we have to accommodate protest behavior just because someone is sad and angry?

i know this will sound super harsh but really, i am mystified by the idea that candid discussion such as happens here needs to change in any way.

we all are going to disagree about that but it comes down to, again, post what you're comfortable with in your own conscience.

i have to dive off this thread because i think i'm just gonna piss people off lol.

it's just not that complicated to me, or dramatic.
and, does it have to be about being right?!?
what is that about?
i don't get some of this.
who cares who is right? you do you, i'll do me, this forum has helped me a bunch and i don't think i have thebpower to ruin anyone's life by saying what i say.

yes this is all extreme black and white stuff the but middle ground of

"say what you have to say just don't be abusive" isn't resonating well it seems.

i'm not going to assume that what someone needs from me, in my approach, to grow is one thing or another .
i'm going to express what i have to express candidly and without abuse and personal attacks.
i won't be approaching this forum the same way i would if i was a therapist in an office.

grownups posting here can take what they want and leave the rest, and their growth and healing is their business really. i think it's kind of assumptive to assume that people can grow most and best with a certain approach and so give them that approach. i've been surprised to hear from lots of other posters that my style actually helped them a lot. i was just doing me and hoping it's helpful without a real agenda to have a certain impact. just saying what i have and accepting that it may or may not resonate.

others are gonna get pissed, and then grow or not according to their own effort and agenda.

there was hardly a ripple here from posters when some asshole was writing

"how do you get to the heart of an avoidant?
through the ribs with a sharp knife."

in fact, some posters defended it as humor as i recall. i'd have to look it up.

and here we are needing safe space where everyone feels loved and supported.

if it's abusive, or demeaning , i can and will call that out. and not demand it change.
if i hate it i will leave.

but come on. no one is talking about stabbing anyone lately.

As the wizard behind the curtain here, I should provide some information.

First, there has been almost no need to censor discussions -- a very few abusive posters (like four in the two years it's been up) have been banned. The more common *spirited disagreement* resulting in emotional personal attacks or complaints that somebody's being mean happens maybe once a month. Somebody gets a behind-the-scenes talking to and that's the end of it. The "support" forums for people working on their own issues were added after a few people requested a place where they could open themselves up without being sniped at by people who had been hurt by their type in the past.

On the whole, discussion here is remarkably healthy and constructive, far better than most chat boards I've seen.

By far the worst problem has been spam and promoters pushing psychic healers and quacks. Pointers to useful resources are fine, but ads for books and products that are likely to reinforce victim narratives are removed. I pay quite a bit per month to keep this site free of ads (the hosting company normally makes money by ad insertions, but those have sometimes been malware-infected, and I prefer a cleaner look. So that's why the only 'ads" here point to my two books, in case any new user hasn't read one.)

oh, and for all my haters (tongue in cheek) i've never been talked to behind the scenes so i'm going to keep showing up the way i have and i'm cool with that, for the reasons i shared throughout the thread.

i'm gonna leap off this one now. 🌸

I yjink most of us are in agreement. Posters that need to be handled with care can use the support forum and open the post stating their intent.

Could be that they get less response...
Because while one can easily keep out the tough love and the salty speech one cannot request others to reword and edit their intended replies or force them to validate the OP.

That said, when used correctly, the support forums are very useful to discuss sensitive issues. Some DA specific issues can trigger AP posters and when I open my heart and share the authentic feelings in there, last thing I need is someone opening the conversation about her ex.

These have been a few incidents of deep hostility, such as the knife incident and the guy who sought to bully his wife into allowing him to kinda sorta rape/use her body. For regular hostility and for the extra fragile types, I usually just block the poster so I can easily ignore their posts and focus on those who do seek a point of view or are looking to gain insight.