DA broke up with me | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

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DA broke up with me Nov 16, 2018 2:59:09 GMT via mobile tnr9 likes this

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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2018 2:59:09 GMT

joan, while it's critically important to take care of our own insecure behaviors so we can have healthier relationships,
we also have to learn how to choose healthy partners.
An avoidant or otherwise unavailable man is a terrible partner for an anxious person, because they will trigger you all the time.
the gentle and self loving thing to do is to learn how to pick a healthier partner who is available to you so you don't have to suffer so much.
so you don't have to hurt in your triggers so much
please don't flog yourself over being triggered by an unavailable man. of course you were. that's why this thing was toxic for both of you.
it's not about blame it's about compatibility.
i hope you can find a man who loves and cherished you and is available to build a real relationship that doesn't hurt.

tnr9
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DA broke up with me Nov 16, 2018 3:49:30 GMT

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Post by tnr9 on Nov 16, 2018 3:49:30 GMT

Nov 16, 2018 2:59:09 GMT juniper said:

joan , while it's critically important to take care of our own insecure behaviors so we can have healthier relationships,
we also have to learn how to choose healthy partners.
An avoidant or otherwise unavailable man is a terrible partner for an anxious person, because they will trigger you all the time.
the gentle and self loving thing to do is to learn how to pick a healthier partner who is available to you so you don't have to suffer so much.
so you don't have to hurt in your triggers so much
please don't flog yourself over being triggered by an unavailable man. of course you were. that's why this thing was toxic for both of you.
it's not about blame it's about compatibility.
i hope you can find a man who loves and cherished you and is available to build a real relationship that doesn't hurt.

Thank you Juniper for saying this.❤️❤️❤️❤️

joan...I have no better words for you than what Juniper has written above. You must be so very tired of trying to figure out how to be perfect....each time, you gain a little bit of ground, only to find yourself back at square one...and maybe it isn't you...maybe it's just that you need someone who cherishes Joan as you are...human, fallible, emotional, perfectly imperfect. My heart goes out to you.

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DA broke up with me Nov 16, 2018 3:57:17 GMT via mobile leavethelighton, goldilocks, and 2 more like this

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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2018 3:57:17 GMT

omg yes you don't have to be perfect, to have a relationship.
you just need someone who accepts you and wants a relationship like you do.
they are out there.
you don't have to work so hard for love.
i know it's all a process and it's not easy but an AP blaming themselves for the failure of a relationship with an avoidant isn't realistic.
heck, even an avoidant can't have a relationship with an avoidant if they don't have the same vision.
it's not possible for ANYONE to have a relationship with a man who admits he doesn't want one or isn't able.

if he isn't full on committed to you, you will feel it every day, you will suffer, you will get triggered.
it hurts too much and isn't worth it at all. and it ends badly.

and it's not all your fault! but it IS important to see it as it is.
this was The Trap.
he has huge stressors- true. but he was still unavailable.
the reason why doesn't matter as much as the fact- he was unavailable to you and it hurt.
enough said. now it's time to heal.

Last Edit: Nov 16, 2018 3:57:55 GMT by Deleted

joan
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DA broke up with me Nov 17, 2018 3:27:27 GMT via mobile

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Post by joan on Nov 17, 2018 3:27:27 GMT

Nov 16, 2018 3:57:17 GMT juniper said:

omg yes you don't have to be perfect, to have a relationship.
you just need someone who accepts you and wants a relationship like you do.
they are out there.
you don't have to work so hard for love.
i know it's all a process and it's not easy but an AP blaming themselves for the failure of a relationship with an avoidant isn't realistic.
heck, even an avoidant can't have a relationship with an avoidant if they don't have the same vision.
it's not possible for ANYONE to have a relationship with a man who admits he doesn't want one or isn't able.

if he isn't full on committed to you, you will feel it every day, you will suffer, you will get triggered.
it hurts too much and isn't worth it at all. and it ends badly.

and it's not all your fault! but it IS important to see it as it is.
this was The Trap.
he has huge stressors- true. but he was still unavailable.
the reason why doesn't matter as much as the fact- he was unavailable to you and it hurt.
enough said. now it's time to heal.

I truly thank you for those words Juniper. I’m in a calmer state of mind right now to really understand not only your message but this great therapist on YouTube Allen Robarge who has a ton of videos on attachment trauma. I’ve listened to his videos before and I think I’ve read just about every post you’ve written on here, but things weren’t fully sinking in for me. I’ll admit I’m still wrestling with hope for reconciliation, but I’m halfway resigned to the fact that it just wasn’t going to work. That’s by far more than I’ve felt that way since being in this dynamic. I realize that there’s nothing inherently wrong with him or I, we just could had two completely different needs for connection. I tried to turn myself into a pretzel to be what he wanted which left me in this perpetual state of despair. I would end up feeling resentful towards him and it would come out in some way or another. I’m still feeling terribly heartbroken, but for the first time I’m seeing reality rather than sitting in denial 😔

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DA broke up with me Nov 17, 2018 3:53:54 GMT via mobile faithopelove likes this

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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2018 3:53:54 GMT

joan, i'm sorry, for the way this hurts.
i understand it, because i have tried my best in relationships that were doomed to fail also, because they were based in fear and limitation.
there isn't anything wrong with you.
your activation and triggers simply cannot be healed in a relationship with an avoidant, nor can you actualize your dream for true connection, intimacy and consistency.
it's just not inherent in the dynamic.
not only that, the dynamic opposes it.
a secure could love you well.
you can work on your internal healing and learn more about how to pick a partner that can reciprocate, it's a process but it can be done.
authentic expression of your real self (not your activated self) - the real self that has dreams and interests and joys and sorrows and imagination and intelligence... let that shine all over the place and stop being a pretzel.

grow into your own skin and someone will love you in it!