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Post by tinyrobotman on Dec 3, 2018 21:17:54 GMT
I love shiningstar's story analogy. I can't count how many times I've come up with a story that included someone who's actions showed they didn't want to be part of the narrative. Just need to learn to write the story of my life with only people who want to be part of it. That's pretty obvious but profound.
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Post by boomerang on Dec 4, 2018 0:26:08 GMT
It's funny. I get it in that I have exes and ex-once-important-friends I hardly think of and don't really care if we ever speak again. So I get the phenomenon. And then there's the opposite ones... I get it too. I definitely have the same kind of range in people from my past. I guess there was some element of surprise that I could possibly be so easily forgotten when he wasn’t to me. He didn’t really forget me though- he actually seemed quite happy to hear from me- but he just didn’t assign the significance to me that I did to him. Which honestly makes sense to me on an intellectual level but it’s that emotional level that makes that a real reflection of my value. At one point he clearly had a lot of guilt over how he left, but I think maybe that was about him and how he viewed himself- It was never really about me or how he felt about me.Our ending was cold and brutal, but he doesn't know how much it has affected me as I ate it and I responded calmly and with empathy, rather than anger (at the moment--later, when I processed, it was a different story). Nonetheless, he was anxious for a time as he knows what he said and how he handled it, and I know he felt guilty about that. Once he figured out that I didn't hate him, that went away and he moved on. Now he treats me just as someone he passes in the hallways and doesn't really know (we work in the same building). It is like an alternate reality for me.
That last meeting, I did get some questions answered--sort of--(When did you decide you wanted to stop things with me? "I don't know."), but what I realize now is that the closure I wanted was not the answers per se (though I did want those), but bottom line was I wanted to know that he cared about me, that even if it was ending, our relationship did matter to him, and I wanted kindness, to know that he was making an effort not to hurt me more than necessary. None of these bottom-line things that I truly need to feel OK about it did I get.
That's what I am struggling with, as it makes me feel like I didn't really matter. It feels like I just got put in a box that was taped up and put in a dark closet... door closed, put away. Gotten rid of.
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 4, 2018 2:42:12 GMT
. . . I told myself that I can’t blame him for how he loves and handles pain anymore than I can blame myself for how I love and handle pain. . . . Good point...I need to keep remembering this. |
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laura
New Member
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Post by laura on Jan 5, 2019 23:13:48 GMT
What I'm starting to realize is I can talk to the other person to get their side, but here's a possible list of outcomes:
1. I'll have more questions once the conversation is over. This, leading to another longing for a discussion.
2. The other person is telling their side of the story based on their perception. I'm learning I will never fully understand other perceptions because others think so differently.
3. The discussion requires someone to remember how they felt in the past. That's not always easy to do.
4. I may not be able to accept the answers I receive.
5. I may not believe the answers I receive.
6. I may end up feeling worse.
7. My conversation could have the potential to do more harm than good to the other person.
At some point, I need to let all of this go. I need to stop focusing on "what ifs" and "if I only did..."
I was at a stopped at a light today. I looked to my right and caught a glimpse of people crying at a funeral. It's raining today. It's a cold a soggy day. I looked at my daughter in the passenger seat and said, "times likes this I have to remind myself that some other people are experiencing far much greater pain than we are at this very moment."
This didn't answer your question, but I had the same question in my mind. This is how I came to the conclusion that some things are better left unknown. And, I'm not doing so bad today as long as I'm trying to move forward.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 5, 2019 23:23:34 GMT
What I'm starting to realize is I can talk to the other person to get their side, but here's a possible list of outcomes: 1. I'll have more questions once the conversation is over. This, leading to another longing for a discussion. 2. The other person is telling their side of the story based on their perception. I'm learning I will never fully understand other perceptions because others think so differently. 3. The discussion requires someone to remember how they felt in the past. That's not always easy to do. 4. I may not be able to accept the answers I receive. 5. I may not believe the answers I receive. 6. I may end up feeling worse. 7. My conversation could have the potential to do more harm than good to the other person. At some point, I need to let all of this go. I need to stop focusing on "what ifs" and "if I only did..." I was at a stopped at a light today. I looked to my right and caught a glimpse of people crying at a funeral. It's raining today. It's a cold a soggy day. I looked at my daughter in the passenger seat and said, "times likes this I have to remind myself that some other people are experiencing far much greater pain than we are at this very moment." This didn't answer your question, but I had the same question in my mind. This is how I came to the conclusion that some things are better left unknown. And, I'm not doing so bad today as long as I'm trying to move forward. What is likely to help is turn inward and find ways to focus on youself and what helps make you feel accomplished. A lot of what you're describing happens with APs because your sense of self worth and identity is so jostled, and you are struggling to emotionally re-regulate. But APs have a lot of trouble self-regulating and look to others to do it. Which is what you're actually describing above. So rather than forcing youself to just let it go, since that's not fixing the underlying problem here, what if you try to put it aside for a minute and focus on what makes you feel satisfied elsewhere in your life. Accomplish something there, get a better grip on trusting in youself, and over time, you'll be less in need of external regulation so letting it go won't seem as forced and you can get a better perspective on what's happened. |
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