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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2018 2:25:39 GMT
I haven't read the other responses yet. Years ago, I might not have said anything. Now I'd hopefully say "Tell me more about that." can you elaborate? like, what were you years ago so that you wouldn't say anything but now hopefully you would? |
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 22, 2018 23:02:48 GMT
I haven't read the other responses yet. Years ago, I might not have said anything. Now I'd hopefully say "Tell me more about that." can you elaborate? like, what were you years ago so that you wouldn't say anything but now hopefully you would? I would have not said anything either because I was afraid the answer would be even more hurtful, I'd feel hurt and turn inward, and/or I'd be worried about creating conflict/making the situation even worse. I think some of that involves making assumptions or projecting fears onto a situation rather than trying to find out more. It's like we can interpret someone's behavior as meaning something it may or may not mean--or we could say, "Tell me more about that." |
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 22, 2018 23:44:38 GMT
That is not lashing out to me, he was just being honest on how he was feeling. You asked a question and he answered. You got an answer you didnt want to hear. What made you ask him about you? Id be asking why I asked that. His issues and feelings are not about you, they only were in that moment because you projected your stuff onto him asking after a long hard day for him. Bottom lining it, the day got to him not you. Its not what my response would have been. Thats a dont ask questions you dont want to know the answer to. Im all for saying things and not holding back but that would be a case of pick my battles for me, I know hes an avoidant. An event like you're talking about can drain many and particularly for an avoidant. It would drain me a bit and Im securely attached. Id respond with I can give you some space and we'll talk later, I can see how an event like this may be a lot for you.
I would not ask to elaborate more as that was not the time and place, he was overwhelmed for the day and me asking will just add to it. Its like arguing with a drunk, its pointless until they are sober, a pick your battles thing. Talk another day when hes not so drained from the days events. He was 'triggered'.
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 23, 2018 2:45:42 GMT
That is not lashing out to me, he was just being honest on how he was feeling. You asked a question and he answered. You got an answer you didnt want to hear. What made you ask him about you? Id be asking why I asked that. His issues and feelings are not about you, they only were in that moment because you projected your stuff onto him asking after a long hard day for him. Bottom lining it, the day got to him not you. Its not what my response would have been. Thats a dont ask questions you dont want to know the answer to. Im all for saying things and not holding back but that would be a case of pick my battles for me, I know hes an avoidant. An event like you're talking about can drain many and particularly for an avoidant. It would drain me a bit and Im securely attached. Id respond with I can give you some space and we'll talk later, I can see how an event like this may be a lot for you.
I would not ask to elaborate more as that was not the time and place, he was overwhelmed for the day and me asking will just add to it. Its like arguing with a drunk, its pointless until they are sober, a pick your battles thing. Talk another day when hes not so drained from the days events. He was 'triggered'.
I don’t see it as pick battles- in my view, it sounds to me like it could’ve been a light hearted question....almost flirtatious, like “Am I exhausting too?” 😉 And his response could’ve been tongue in cheek if the nature of the convo and relationship is one of light bantering and flirting. And...flip side, if someone feels their relationship is troubled and the partner seems irritated, I can see a person asking that in order to get honest feedback. May not be the answer one wants, but an honest one that could be used in constructive ways in the relationship. That’s how I see it... |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2018 4:02:41 GMT
well, he came to my room and looked for me, so i thought we were just going to have a nice time going to the lift together, like our own little time together before going to another dept thingy with a ton of other people. i was being abit flirty, and sure i didn't like the answer (because I was flirting and I got slapped in the face, but not because the answer itself was not pleasant - I already knew it is exhausting, for both of us). but i didn't say or argue or anything. I just accepted it as it is and left him alone. anyways, there's always context and background and more to the story but this isn't an analysis about the story. it's just about a scenario and what you would say from your point of view.
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 23, 2018 4:23:43 GMT
well, he came to my room and looked for me, so i thought we were just going to have a nice time going to the lift together, like our own little time together before going to another dept thingy with a ton of other people. i was being abit flirty, and sure i didn't like the answer (because I was flirting and I got slapped in the face, but not because the answer itself was not pleasant - I already knew it is exhausting, for both of us). but i didn't say or argue or anything. I just accepted it as it is and left him alone. anyways, there's always context and background and more to the story but this isn't an analysis about the story. it's just about a scenario and what you would say from your point of view. Hard to tell without tone of voice and facial expression. Both make a huge difference- along with body language. I could either laugh at the answer and nothing more if it was said in jest or feel hurt if the person was serious and being critical. In which case, I’d ask, “How am I exhausting to you?” If the person seemed stressed, I’d offer my empathy. Such different responses depending on visual cues... |
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Post by mrob on Nov 23, 2018 23:08:52 GMT
I’d never have made his exhaustion about me in the first place, but I...
(1) Would have laughed it off as a sarcastic comment, because nobody would be that inappropriate at a work conference.
(2) If I wanted to cross that inappropriate line, walking towards a lift retiring to one’s room and talking about exhaustion with unfilled sexual tension in the air is the perfect prompt.
I tend to miss these cues, so probably (1).
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 24, 2018 1:40:10 GMT
That is not lashing out to me, he was just being honest on how he was feeling. You asked a question and he answered. You got an answer you didnt want to hear. What made you ask him about you? Id be asking why I asked that. His issues and feelings are not about you, they only were in that moment because you projected your stuff onto him asking after a long hard day for him. Bottom lining it, the day got to him not you. Its not what my response would have been. Thats a dont ask questions you dont want to know the answer to. Im all for saying things and not holding back but that would be a case of pick my battles for me, I know hes an avoidant. An event like you're talking about can drain many and particularly for an avoidant. It would drain me a bit and Im securely attached. Id respond with I can give you some space and we'll talk later, I can see how an event like this may be a lot for you.
I would not ask to elaborate more as that was not the time and place, he was overwhelmed for the day and me asking will just add to it. Its like arguing with a drunk, its pointless until they are sober, a pick your battles thing. Talk another day when hes not so drained from the days events. He was 'triggered'.
Good point, maybe not the best time and and place... I guess my answer above to ask for more info was coming from having had one too many experiences where if it wasn't discussed then, there weren't thus future opportunities. But I think you're right that the moment of intensity is often not the best time to continue the discussion if you're confident there will be later opportunities. For example as a parent, I often save tricky topics for that night or the next day when things have cooled off--I think delaying something to a more relaxed time can actually be a form of maturity or healthy for a relationship. And flirting can potentially be a different ballgame than serious talk... |
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