maryt
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Post by maryt on Jan 27, 2019 16:35:34 GMT
I think you have good perspective for this stage. In my humble opinion, patience, understanding and compassion for his avoidant style/behaviors is the way to go for now, as long as you feel like you’re getting the same in return. I’m five years into a relationship with my FA/DA bf and I’m def AP. Sounds like you’re much more self aware than I was when we started dating, so I ended up projecting all of the typical AP behaviors when he deactivated and triggered me.
The single most important piece of advice I can share that was a game changer for me, is to remember that the level of anxiety we APs feel when triggered is typically the exact same for FA/DAs when they need space and to deactivate. I remember in the beginning, after sharing fabulous, intimate dates and weekends, I’d expect to hear from him even more often (what my AP expected) but instead that’s when he’d withraw and get quiet. Not knowing about the differences in attachment styles back then, it obviously triggered the heck out of me. Can’t tell you the number of times I wanted to give up. Instead, I decided to educate myself and together we’ve been able to work through it. Don’t get me wrong, even after all this time, he and I both can still get triggered. But now, instead getting in my head too much when It happens, I’ve learned to pause and be mindful before reacting...or not react at all. I just let him be.
Another amazing piece of eye opening advice a DA on this forum shared with me is that most FA/DAs can’t think or plan too far in the future. To quote her,
he must hold on to now,
it’s the only safe place
maybe he knows it, maybe he doesn’t.
but it’s truly the only safe place, and if you can inhabit it
fully without fear, much good can come. Sometimes the failure to plan
is an opportunity to unfold, organically.
Hope all this helps. Many on these boards tend to question if dealing with all of this in a relationship is worth it. Maybe my take is a bit different because I’m a little older (mid 50s). My bf has wonderful qualities that I hoped to find in a partner...we connected from the first date. So taking the time to undetstand and work thru the avoidant stuff has been more than worth it for me. And we both continue to learn, grow and heal. Much good has come! 😊
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Post by number9 on Jan 27, 2019 20:15:41 GMT
maryt - Do you live with him? I'm also a little older (early 50s) and have recently learned about attachment types. It seems I'm AP (but leaning towards FA in the past) and he is FA. We had a 7-year relationship (never lived together, but spent 3 or 4 nights a week together, plus lots of weekends away). Long story short: we now have a "once a week" arrangement after nearly breaking up completely. I'm constantly wavering on the idea of fully ending it (despite being in the same community in which it would be quite difficult to do "no contact"). This once-a-week arrangement is very stressful for many reasons, though he says he is not looking for someone new -- just needs to establish his boundaries to feel okay about how he is running his life.
I really need to make some decisions. Do I stay with the once a week? Or do I split from it completely? A complete split is incredibly sad to both of us. (Of course, I'm much more affected by my own sadness! haha)
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maryt
New Member
Posts: 24
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Post by maryt on Jan 27, 2019 21:42:14 GMT
number9 — No, we don’t live together and I’m ok with that for now. I knew I had my own issues to heal from and had to get used to being ok by myself. With the distance and our work schedules (again he’s out of state all week for work) we had only been seeing eachother every couple of weeks. It’s been a long process for him (and for me too...I’ve been able to use this relationship to heal so maybe the distance has been a gift in that regard). This was our fifth Christmas together and finally met his family and spent Christmas Eve with them (last year was the first we spent any part of Christmas together). His anxiety actually manifests physically, mostly migraines. But he’s been working through it. Since the holidays we’ve been seeing eachother much more frequently...at least once a week. He’s here today and it’s the third time this week. But we’re both committed and know eventually when work slows down we want to build a house and retire together. I’ve always felt that as long as we both are trying, I’ll stick with it. Thankfully we keep progressing forward....ever so slowly, but surely.
Not sure about your situation, since he seems to be regressing a bit. Seven years is a long time, so I totally understand why you want to keep trying. Such a hard decision. Do you both communicate about it?? Does he understand it may be his avoidance at work? At least for us it’s out in the open...both of our triggers. We actually tease about it now (we call it his weirdness, he calls it my overthinking, needing to be joined at the hip). So when one of us is triggered, we can call it out when it’s hapoening and discuss it. Most of the time we end up laughing it off. So much better than the years walking on eggshells! One thing I must say for him...he’s never been mean to me or treated me poorly, even when he deactivates. I have read many posts where there is a lot of blame on both sides and some really nasty conversations. We haven’t experienced that part. And I now know when he needs some space and gladly give it to him.
Not sure if I’m helping...but know that I understand your pain and frustration.
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Post by number9 on Jan 27, 2019 21:57:33 GMT
Thank you. Lots to think about! We are definitely peaceful and he's never mean. re: your words copied below.
... he’s never been mean to me or treated me poorly, even when he deactivates. I have read many posts where there is a lot of blame on both sides and some really nasty conversations. We haven’t experienced that part. And I now know when he needs some space and gladly give it to him.
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 29, 2019 0:52:46 GMT
Maybe if's because I'm not exactly hetero...but I think the whole "let him lead" or "if he was interested he will lead" doesn't make sense.
He's supposed to show that he is secure, interested, etc. by leading, but then he is supposed to magically know you are interested while you sit back and do none of the expressing of interest? How is that "secure" on your part?
Weird double standard.
The original post was deleted, but if you're trying to decide whether to show interest when you feel interest, I don't think gender should be a factor in your decision.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 29, 2019 1:27:00 GMT
Maybe if's because I'm not exactly hetero...but I think the whole "let him lead" or "if he was interested he will lead" doesn't make sense. He's supposed to show that he is secure, interested, etc. by leading, but then he is supposed to magically know you are interested while you sit back and do none of the expressing of interest? How is that "secure" on your part? Weird double standard. The original post was deleted, but if you're trying to decide whether to show interest when you feel interest, I don't think gender should be a factor in your decision. This is typical western culture dating advice. I think there's something to be said for it IF you're dealing with securely attached and mature guys, because most will put in some initiative for a little chase at the beginning and find it fun. However, it's not advice that's going to work either in the long-run for secures or in the short-run with DAs... so I think it's generally advice dispensed to presumably AP women looking for dating advice because it will weed out DAs (though when I tested this tactic out, I started ending up with FAs and narcs instead, oops!, since I was still insecurely attached and wasn't clicking with secures -- hadn't fixed my underlying issues). But as I said earlier in this thread, I agree it's not a gender-specific strategy. |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 29, 2019 5:21:32 GMT
I think you have good perspective for this stage. In my humble opinion, patience, understanding and compassion for his avoidant style/behaviors is the way to go for now, as long as you feel like you’re getting the same in return. I’m five years into a relationship with my FA/DA bf and I’m def AP. Sounds like you’re much more self aware than I was when we started dating, so I ended up projecting all of the typical AP behaviors when he deactivated and triggered me. The single most important piece of advice I can share that was a game changer for me, is to remember that the level of anxiety we APs feel when triggered is typically the exact same for FA/DAs when they need space and to deactivate. I remember in the beginning, after sharing fabulous, intimate dates and weekends, I’d expect to hear from him even more often (what my AP expected) but instead that’s when he’d withraw and get quiet. Not knowing about the differences in attachment styles back then, it obviously triggered the heck out of me. Can’t tell you the number of times I wanted to give up. Instead, I decided to educate myself and together we’ve been able to work through it. Don’t get me wrong, even after all this time, he and I both can still get triggered. But now, instead getting in my head too much when It happens, I’ve learned to pause and be mindful before reacting...or not react at all. I just let him be. Another amazing piece of eye opening advice a DA on this forum shared with me is that most FA/DAs can’t think or plan too far in the future. To quote her, he must hold on to now, it’s the only safe place maybe he knows it, maybe he doesn’t. but it’s truly the only safe place, and if you can inhabit it fully without fear, much good can come. Sometimes the failure to plan is an opportunity to unfold, organically. Hope all this helps. Many on these boards tend to question if dealing with all of this in a relationship is worth it. Maybe my take is a bit different because I’m a little older (mid 50s). My bf has wonderful qualities that I hoped to find in a partner...we connected from the first date. So taking the time to undetstand and work thru the avoidant stuff has been more than worth it for me. And we both continue to learn, grow and heal. Much good has come! 😊 - You sound a lot like me and my ex DA....who I’m still in relationship with...I agree the patience and compassion is a huge piece and I also haven’t found another with better traits and a heart than my DA. Also, being in my 40’s and already been married and a mother of 4 children, I have a different POV than a younger woman who may be looking to get married and have children. I feel like time is on my side and I’m also using this time and new space to heal my AP ways. He’s faithful, loyal and has integrity. I respect him tremendously and feel he’s worth it. Curious...how did you bring up attachment theory to him? Was he receptive? |
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maryt
New Member
Posts: 24
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Post by maryt on Jan 30, 2019 0:29:10 GMT
I think you have good perspective for this stage. In my humble opinion, patience, understanding and compassion for his avoidant style/behaviors is the way to go for now, as long as you feel like you’re getting the same in return. I’m five years into a relationship with my FA/DA bf and I’m def AP. Sounds like you’re much more self aware than I was when we started dating, so I ended up projecting all of the typical AP behaviors when he deactivated and triggered me. The single most important piece of advice I can share that was a game changer for me, is to remember that the level of anxiety we APs feel when triggered is typically the exact same for FA/DAs when they need space and to deactivate. I remember in the beginning, after sharing fabulous, intimate dates and weekends, I’d expect to hear from him even more often (what my AP expected) but instead that’s when he’d withraw and get quiet. Not knowing about the differences in attachment styles back then, it obviously triggered the heck out of me. Can’t tell you the number of times I wanted to give up. Instead, I decided to educate myself and together we’ve been able to work through it. Don’t get me wrong, even after all this time, he and I both can still get triggered. But now, instead getting in my head too much when It happens, I’ve learned to pause and be mindful before reacting...or not react at all. I just let him be. Another amazing piece of eye opening advice a DA on this forum shared with me is that most FA/DAs can’t think or plan too far in the future. To quote her, he must hold on to now, it’s the only safe place maybe he knows it, maybe he doesn’t. but it’s truly the only safe place, and if you can inhabit it fully without fear, much good can come. Sometimes the failure to plan is an opportunity to unfold, organically. Hope all this helps. Many on these boards tend to question if dealing with all of this in a relationship is worth it. Maybe my take is a bit different because I’m a little older (mid 50s). My bf has wonderful qualities that I hoped to find in a partner...we connected from the first date. So taking the time to undetstand and work thru the avoidant stuff has been more than worth it for me. And we both continue to learn, grow and heal. Much good has come! 😊 - You sound a lot like me and my ex DA....who I’m still in relationship with...I agree the patience and compassion is a huge piece and I also haven’t found another with better traits and a heart than my DA. Also, being in my 40’s and already been married and a mother of 4 children, I have a different POV than a younger woman who may be looking to get married and have children. I feel like time is on my side and I’m also using this time and new space to heal my AP ways. He’s faithful, loyal and has integrity. I respect him tremendously and feel he’s worth it. Curious...how did you bring up attachment theory to him? Was he receptive? I made him aware through conversation a few times a couple years ago. Explained it and left it. I’ve never sent him any info or website, nor have I ever suggested therapy. Not my job to be his therapist and figured if he wanted to learn more, he’s an intelligent man and knows how to Google. The subject came up when I made a comment that he seemed afraid of commitment. He disagreed because he was able to get married. That opened up the attachment theory conversation. I told him I discovered it when looking for info to help me understand my insecurity in relationships...it wasn’t a lie, but I was trying to understand him too. We do know that he gets anxiety when we spend a bunch of time together (and migraines) and I can still get clingy/needy (fear of abandonment) when he gets too quiet, but that doesn’t happen too much anymore. Recently he told me he’s made appt with neurological massage therapist to help deal with the headaches. He’s uncomfortable taking about feelings too much, so I took it as his way to let me know he’s still working on things. He’s very self aware that he keeps a wall up...always has. He also brought it up himself that he’s not ready to see a therapist. He’s not a big believer. I’ve just always felt that as long as it seemed like he was trying and we were progressing, I’d stick with it. And I have. We’ve come a VERY long way. Over time, we’ve just labeled his triggers as him being weird and he calls me the overthinker. So it’s become more lighthearted, but at least it’s all out in the open and we can talk about it. |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 30, 2019 1:37:46 GMT
maryt - You sound a lot like me and my ex DA....who I’m still in relationship with...I agree the patience and compassion is a huge piece and I also haven’t found another with better traits and a heart than my DA. Also, being in my 40’s and already been married and a mother of 4 children, I have a different POV than a younger woman who may be looking to get married and have children. I feel like time is on my side and I’m also using this time and new space to heal my AP ways. He’s faithful, loyal and has integrity. I respect him tremendously and feel he’s worth it. Curious...how did you bring up attachment theory to him? Was he receptive? I made him aware through conversation a few times a couple years ago. Explained it and left it. I’ve never sent him any info or website, nor have I ever suggested therapy. Not my job to be his therapist and figured if he wanted to learn more, he’s an intelligent man and knows how to Google. The subject came up when I made a comment that he seemed afraid of commitment. He disagreed because he was able to get married. That opened up the attachment theory conversation. I told him I discovered it when looking for info to help me understand my insecurity in relationships...it wasn’t a lie, but I was trying to understand him too. We do know that he gets anxiety when we spend a bunch of time together (and migraines) and I can still get clingy/needy (fear of abandonment) when he gets too quiet, but that doesn’t happen too much anymore. Recently he told me he’s made appt with neurological massage therapist to help deal with the headaches. He’s uncomfortable taking about feelings too much, so I took it as his way to let me know he’s still working on things. He’s very self aware that he keeps a wall up...always has. He also brought it up himself that he’s not ready to see a therapist. He’s not a big believer. I’ve just always felt that as long as it seemed like he was trying and we were progressing, I’d stick with it. And I have. We’ve come a VERY long way. Over time, we’ve just labeled his triggers as him being weird and he calls me the overthinker. So it’s become more lighthearted, but at least it’s all out in the open and we can talk about it. Yes, I can relate to everything you said. Makes sense and I’m glad to hear you’re making progress. Building trust is a slow process with the DA. |
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Post by notalone on Mar 18, 2019 19:17:39 GMT
It's over. After weeks of regular contact, he withdrew completely for a full week. I spoke to him and it turns out he's actively dating other people and has no interest in a relationship with me, so I'm moving on and focusing on myself for a while. My AP is losing her mind and has a lot to say about me and him. It's brutal. I'm trying to let go and accept.
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Post by unluckyinlove on Mar 19, 2019 4:04:42 GMT
I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s hard when we invest time and feelings in someone and then discover they don’t have the same level of investment. It seems that you didn’t get a clear understanding from him of his expectations and that isn’t fair. I know it’s easier said from someone on the outside with no feelings involved but it’s better to have found out now then months or years later.
I can’t assume what your AP self is saying, but I’m sure it is creating a narrative that makes this your fault or something you could control. . “You weren’t special enough to set you apart from the others and “win him over”. “You could have done something different” .....either something “more to earn his love” or maybe “you came on too strong and drove him away”. Stop this thinking and be kind to yourself. It’s not YOU he doesn’t want....it’s what you offer him at this time and place. There’s someone who does want what you are offering. Make room in your heart for him. I am truly sorry. It’s painful when our love is unrequited.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2019 4:11:52 GMT
I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s hard when we invest time and feelings in someone and then discover they don’t have the same level of investment. It seems that you didn’t get a clear understanding from him of his expectations and that isn’t fair. I know it’s easier said from someone on the outside with no feelings involved but it’s better to have found out now then months or years later. I can’t assume what your AP self is saying, but I’m sure it is creating a narrative that makes this your fault or something you could control. . “You weren’t special enough to set you apart from the others and “win him over”. “You could have done something different” .....either something “more to earn his love” or maybe “you came on too strong and drove him away”. Stop this thinking and be kind to yourself. It’s not YOU he doesn’t want....it’s what you offer him at this time and place. There’s someone who does want what you are offering. Make room in your heart for him. I am truly sorry. It’s painful when our love is unrequited. so good! |
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