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Post by lilyg on May 27, 2019 20:53:46 GMT
lilyg, "Now I can't help but kick myself thinking 'if only I was more secure'." Why are you putting the blame on yourself? He's had issues the entire relationship as well that he's also been trying to work through but hasn't fully overcome. It's good to take responsibility for your piece, but don't take on more than your share. It's about you both being secure enough to stay present, and if he's not there it doesn't matter how secure only you are (in regards to the dynamic). Can you use the space he needs as an opportunity to focus on yourself and your needs for a little while? I know this is really difficult, because it seemed like the relationship was about to take the next step and it may have veered off path. But if you can think of the time as a bit of an opportunity for yourself rather than a stressful disconnection, would that be a helpful mind space? I know you're very right. I told him he has to think too about his side of the dynamic. It's just you know, that guilt we all feel on this. I do feel secure (as secure as I can be on this situation!). I do think about him and the situation. I should let it go but I still feel partly responsible for my relationship. I don't feel stressed on not talking to him per se, but about what should I do next. I won't be passive but I'll try to be understanding for both sides. I'll at least contact him for his birthday. Those are important for us and he can still lean on me, only if he wishes to. I am trying  I'm working out and writing a bit. I'm also focusing on a very interesting project at work. I felt too focused on the house and I worried I would obsess over something else instead of being aware of the moment and myself. So I try to vary my emotional and intellectual resources. I am glad I feel good about everything else in my life. I know I will be ok regardless. Thank you alexandra, you're being very kind and making a lot of sense! 😊 |
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Post by lilyg on May 29, 2019 7:33:39 GMT
Well yesterday I told him that if he wants we can celebrate together his birthday, as it is important. He told me let's see what we do. I joked for a bit and he was nice. At least there's no bad blood between us, which I think is nice. It's the least thing I do. I cried a lot yesterday while looking through pictures when I was a kid. Today I have therapy so I am happy I can talk about it. Today I feel like I'm regaining my 'inner power'. I didn't feel empowered by the relationship these past 2 weeks, it felt very imbalanced. I still trust he will step up, but I'm not sure he will. I need him to realise when he hurts me and apologise if I tell him he's not treating me fairly. I know it's hard for him to see it in the moment but I need that after he has some days to think about it. He used to do it so I felt like it was a normal relationship, sometimes we mess up and we apologise. But now... I don't know if it's the deactivation or something else. But I can not be in a relationship where I feel like I am carrying all the blame.
I still feel bad for my own anxiousness but I'm not beating myself up for it. I am confident in myself that I can overcome it. I a following the steps I know I have to. I am sorry that I hurted him with it, but I realise his wounds are not my fault. I want to help him be secure but I can only do so as a secure partner. I've been trying to eat, I've been running and reading sci fi, two things that relax me |
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Post by lilyg on May 30, 2019 10:47:05 GMT
I was yesterday with my therapist and she explained me how anger works and how should I manage my anger and my partners anger when something arises- When to leave space, when to soothe and self-soothe, when to make amends and when to talk about the important things. Because I don't have many problems with communication, I always thought I was a good conflict resolutor but I can say, boy, was I wrong. Something clicked. She gave me some papers to read and some 'homework' to do. I really like this therapist and I think I made a good decision going to her, I don't know why I was so nervous to start. A friend I have recommended her to me as she had some issues like me with his partner and she helped them. I like her because she's very kind to both of us, and is a good, objective intermediator that I think I can trust. She remembered me to trust him and myself and our connection. My objective now on therapy is: become a secure anchor for me and my partner, working on my skills and on my fears and wounds. If we break up, this will help me regardless. We are giving each other space but we are happy and ok. That's what matters the most now for me.
I'm gonna stop updating this thread as I think I finally realised what I can do and I find that therapy will help me get where I need. And it feels weird for me now to keep writing on the forum about my thoughts on my specific case. Thank you for reading!
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mamut
Full Member
Posts: 212
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Post by mamut on May 30, 2019 12:04:10 GMT
lilyg I'm so glad you found a great therapist and working it out! I'm very positive for your outcome, with or without him! Please do keep us posted though! Positive vibes sent your way! 🙏🏽
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Post by lilyg on May 30, 2019 13:37:04 GMT
mamut, thank you Of course it will take more than going there a couple of times but it'll help to keep me on track
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 11, 2019 3:01:24 GMT
How's it going? Moving is one of the most stressful things. I recently bought and sold a house and moved, and things seem so different now that we're settled in the new place.
When do you think the stress of that will alleviate for you?
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Post by lilyg on Jul 2, 2019 6:40:10 GMT
How's it going? Moving is one of the most stressful things. I recently bought and sold a house and moved, and things seem so different now that we're settled in the new place. When do you think the stress of that will alleviate for you? I am currently moving, I hope in august I'm in my new place. Update: it seemed like a lost case but my partner decided to fight for us and we are currently both working on doing everything we can to have a secure relationship. He realised what was going on and me too. Therapy is helping a lot. We had some honest and great talks about fears, progress and what we mean for each other. I told him he needed to change how he fighted and he even understood how important for me loving words are. I am working my ass off on being secure and believing in him. I do. |
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I'm working out and writing a bit. I'm also focusing on a very interesting project at work. I felt too focused on the house and I worried I would obsess over something else instead of being aware of the moment and myself. So I try to vary my emotional and intellectual resources. I am glad I feel good about everything else in my life. I know I will be ok regardless.