|
|
Passwords
Feb 18, 2019 0:14:54 GMT
via mobile
Post by faithopelove on Feb 18, 2019 0:14:54 GMT
I'm pushing 50. I wouldn't hand all my hard copy papers over to a mate either. Maybe it's just a personal difference. I wasn't born "with a cell phone in my fist". Lol. But I use one now for lots of personal stuff that I like to keep private. That's easy enough. I wouldn't invite my partner to a party line for all my phone conversations on the rotary, either. I wouldn't make copies of all my written correspondence and let them read all that came to me. Any form, my conversations are ... one on one. This has been true for individuals throughout history. Private conversations are not new, by any means. I said over 55 and together for “decades.” I clearly wasn’t speaking of singles. |
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Feb 18, 2019 0:45:24 GMT
I wonder if the stage of the relationship matters in answering this. Like if I had been dating someone 3 months, I wouldn't expect to know their passwords. But now that I've been married like 15 years, we're telling each other our passwords constantly. I probably couldn't hack into all of her email accounts, because I tend to forget some of the passwords plus we're constantly changing them, but I could get into her phone, and vice versa. There's like a 0% chance I would go lurking to find things out though... And we're often like "What's your password again for such and such an account?" (like for financials and such) and it's no big deal to tell the person the password. We've never worried about the other person having phone/email/internet secrets.
I'm not sure at what time in the relationship I think it should switch over exactly, but if you're at the living together and talking about marriage stage and they are hoarding their passwords, then I'd be wondering why...
|
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on Feb 18, 2019 1:34:48 GMT
For sure @leavethelighton
Not like my ex and I never went to into each others phone for one reason or another in the 5 years we were together. I never remembered his password either, I didnt care to, the trust was there. I also didnt need to get into his phone if something happened either, I had the important people in his life number.
My mom and stepfather do, its been almost 30 years. Its certainly not I need the passwords snooping thing! haha.
There are those certainly out there that would press for things of this nature projecting their trust issues. Ive guys in my life do things along the lines before cell phones, certainly before smart phones! LOL Heck, I had a pager...
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2019 2:50:19 GMT
I'm pushing 50. I wouldn't hand all my hard copy papers over to a mate either. Maybe it's just a personal difference. I wasn't born "with a cell phone in my fist". Lol. But I use one now for lots of personal stuff that I like to keep private. That's easy enough. I wouldn't invite my partner to a party line for all my phone conversations on the rotary, either. I wouldn't make copies of all my written correspondence and let them read all that came to me. Any form, my conversations are ... one on one. This has been true for individuals throughout history. Private conversations are not new, by any means. I said over 55 and together for “decades.” I clearly wasn’t speaking of singles. I was representing a demographic of people who are middle aged and were not born with a cell in their fists who guard their privacy is all. Responding to the second part of your point- the privacy guards, not the 50-70 decades long marrieds. But also we have young (29 ) and older posters in this thread , who are singles (not married for decades), who like transparency and are suspicious without it, and who advocate for sharing with open access. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2019 2:54:28 GMT
This might just be an anxious/insecure preference . There are studies that show a correlation. between anxious preoccupied attachment style and suspicion and jealousy, related specifically to electronic communication including social media. It is easy to google, I won't post it because it's easily accessible if you just search those keywords. I ran across it when initially researching AT.
|
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Feb 18, 2019 9:34:37 GMT
I said over 55 and together for “decades.” I clearly wasn’t speaking of singles. I was representing a demographic of people who are middle aged and were not born with a cell in their fists who guard their privacy is all. Responding to the second part of your point- the privacy guards, not the 50-70 decades long marrieds. But also we have young (29 ) and older posters in this thread , who are singles (not married for decades), who like transparency and are suspicious without it, and who advocate for sharing with open access. I'm not super in touch with my generation, but I do think that sharing passwords for phones is pretty common in relationships after a few months. Other stuff like email passwords and social media accounts I'm not super sure, but really, I've shared or received the phone password, all of that stuff is a pretty short hop away, to the point where even if I wasn't intentionally snooping, app notifications mean it wouldn't be wise to keep an incriminating conversation ongoing. That's part of why when a phone suddenly gets locked, I'm not going to treat it so politely in the future. But the bigger bit for me is about the joy of really knowing and being known by another person and being accepted even with some screwy stuff and having that easygoing sense of trust that helsbels mentioned. I don't want to have conversations or porn or amazon purchases that would freak my partner out that I live in secret shame of. I want all that stuff to be out there on both sides. It's not going to be easy, like every other insecurely attached person here, I have issues with intimacy and trust. But I mean, it's clearly possible, so why settle? |
|
|
|
Post by lilyg on Feb 18, 2019 12:44:48 GMT
Yeah, I do have many embarassing things that I prefer to share with a context rather than my parter seeing everything about me (including, as stated before, this forum, even If I have shared these feelings with him). I would not like to see everything about him either. If I feel uneasy about my partner's phone usage, I'd rather discuss it and not ask for passwords. If he wants to hide something, he will either way. If I feel I cannot trust, I would leave.
I think that if this is a dealbreaker for someone I would not date that person, and maybe the contrary is a dealbreaker for some. I'd just not be comfortable in that type of relationship. Maybe I've been using a phone almost all my life and I have everything there. But I have friends my age (28) that share everything and they are very happy with that arrangement. So, I feel the answer is what makes you feel at ease with each other!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2019 15:11:07 GMT
I was representing a demographic of people who are middle aged and were not born with a cell in their fists who guard their privacy is all. Responding to the second part of your point- the privacy guards, not the 50-70 decades long marrieds. But also we have young (29 ) and older posters in this thread , who are singles (not married for decades), who like transparency and are suspicious without it, and who advocate for sharing with open access. I'm not super in touch with my generation, but I do think that sharing passwords for phones is pretty common in relationships after a few months. Other stuff like email passwords and social media accounts I'm not super sure, but really, I've shared or received the phone password, all of that stuff is a pretty short hop away, to the point where even if I wasn't intentionally snooping, app notifications mean it wouldn't be wise to keep an incriminating conversation ongoing. That's part of why when a phone suddenly gets locked, I'm not going to treat it so politely in the future. But the bigger bit for me is about the joy of really knowing and being known by another person and being accepted even with some screwy stuff and having that easygoing sense of trust that helsbels mentioned. I don't want to have conversations or porn or amazon purchases that would freak my partner out that I live in secret shame of. I want all that stuff to be out there on both sides. It's not going to be easy, like every other insecurely attached person here, I have issues with intimacy and trust. But I mean, it's clearly possible, so why settle? That's why I suggested it's really a personal preference, perhaps an anxious preference, it doesn't really matter. People should pursue what they want about this and just find a compatible mate. It's a deal breaker for me , but not for your ideal mate so honor your own needs and intentions with this, like with anything. We all differ, greatly. It's ok, there is room for all of it, to each his or her own. |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Feb 19, 2019 4:38:59 GMT
I'm not super in touch with my generation, but I do think that sharing passwords for phones is pretty common in relationships after a few months. Other stuff like email passwords and social media accounts I'm not super sure, but really, I've shared or received the phone password, all of that stuff is a pretty short hop away, to the point where even if I wasn't intentionally snooping, app notifications mean it wouldn't be wise to keep an incriminating conversation ongoing. That's part of why when a phone suddenly gets locked, I'm not going to treat it so politely in the future. But the bigger bit for me is about the joy of really knowing and being known by another person and being accepted even with some screwy stuff and having that easygoing sense of trust that helsbels mentioned. I don't want to have conversations or porn or amazon purchases that would freak my partner out that I live in secret shame of. I want all that stuff to be out there on both sides. It's not going to be easy, like every other insecurely attached person here, I have issues with intimacy and trust. But I mean, it's clearly possible, so why settle? That's why I suggested it's really a personal preference, perhaps an anxious preference, it doesn't really matter. People should pursue what they want about this and just find a compatible mate. It's a deal breaker for me , but not for your ideal mate so honor your own needs and intentions with this, like with anything. We all differ, greatly. It's ok, there is room for all of it, to each his or her own. I believe that comfort with sharing and transparency is a secure preference, while the intense focus on privacy is an avoidant preference. But I'm not telling anyone how to live their life. I'm here for myself. |
|
|
|
Post by gummydrop on Feb 19, 2019 7:30:46 GMT
There is a difference between privacy & secrecy.
|
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on Feb 19, 2019 14:30:34 GMT
epicgum Yes there is a comfort with sharing and transparency but there is also the comfort of some privacy along with sharing/transparency. There is no focus on privacy its just natural because you trust. Its not something I think about as its flows at least for me with my secure partners. Passwords, phones, social media, etc just doesn't come up unless they needed to use my phone/computer/etc for some reason. I gave access/they give access if its needed. For me these are things that have nothing to do with our relationship. Its just 'stuff'. I really could care less about their phone or whats on their computer, there is trust. My ex was the same with me.
Its also its their stuff not ours. You can still have your stuff and be fully open, transparent, etc. You still have things of your own even when you become a we. For me a few months is premature for sharing that much, how much do you really know one another in such a short time... But this boils down to ones comfort level and the younger generation is different as they grew up with passwords, etc. haha. Focus on it for sure an avoidant trait. Avoidants need for privacy can feel like secrecy to many even though they are not trying to be secret.
|
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Feb 21, 2019 16:49:28 GMT
There is a difference between privacy & secrecy. I agree, but the line between privacy and secrecy is a fuzzy one, and too much privacy becomes secrecy--even with the best intentions. I think a better way to think about it might be "personal space". I need a great deal of personal space, but the moment that the things happening in my personal space become emotionally significant for me, and I am not relaying that information to my partner, it becomes secrecy. An idea--and trigger warning, this is a gross analogy--someone mentioned that they didn't think it was necessary to start pooping with the door on the bathroom open, and their partner gawking at them. I agree! That's personal space/privacy that makes sense. But what if I take a shit and it is all bloody and this is alarms me and I start webMD-ing, and I choose to keep that information and those emotions/concerns to myself, at some point that does become secrecy, and the difference lies in the emotional significance and it's weight in my life. |
|
|
|
Post by gummydrop on Feb 21, 2019 21:44:31 GMT
Sorry if it wasn't clear epicgum but I was agreeing that the secure preference is transparency & sharing. In other words, my need for privacy is trumped by my desire to ensure my partner's insecurities are soothed. If something as simple as sharing a phone password can help with that goal, I'm all for it. I have nothing to hide from someone I trust implicitly and am trying to partner with for life. I think everyone needs to earn that level of trust though, but once you get to a serious stage of commitment it seems important to prioritize the relationship. I would be put off if my partner was constantly going through my phone and it felt like snooping of course, but there are plenty of pragmatic & insecurity soothing values in being open/transparent to me.
I don't push this view on my partners, I'm just open to sharing this stuff myself. I think that's important because some insecure attachment types will really struggle with this & they need to get to that level of comfort at their own pace. DAs will notoriously mistake secrecy for privacy, but really it comes down to their inability to feel loved/seen for who they really are (need to 'perform' for parents). Gotta coax that out slowly by healing the trauma, not giving an ultimatum that they have to immediately meet your style IMO. Lead by example and such.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Passwords
Feb 22, 2019 12:11:14 GMT
via mobile
Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2019 12:11:14 GMT
My exDA will call it “his space” and that he needs lots of it and I’m not allowed in that “space”. I said exactly what you all said - there is a difference between privacy and secrecy. what I thought was perfectly normal to share (like all your phone numbers - home, office and mobile), he thought it was a big deal to have shared.
|
|
