How the Ted Bundy documentary on Netflix is helping me

i definitely agree with the "lost little girl meeting lost little boy" feeling, and how that creates a deep sense of understanding and connection that you think you can't have with anybody else. I've now come to see that while I can have this sense of understanding when I meet someone, it is not a reason for a relationship to happen. it is just that - an acknowledgement of each other's past trauma that I identify and recognise.

not so sure about ted bundy for me, but whatever helps you!! I watched a ton of steve harvey.

mm good question. I just decided/knew that this bond is not what I want/need for myself. It was what I relied on to develop relationships or make decisions or find a bonding target, but it IS NOT WORKING AS A TOOL ANYMORE. so why would you keep using a tool that has proven so many times not useful for a particular goal? i have no interest in going back to the familiar - it has served its purposes. to achieve what I want, which is the next level, I no longer can use the old tools i have - i need new tools and i focus on that.

once i've decided that, i no longer experience that trauma bond strongly...at some points and with some dates, i did feel it but less intensely. i went on a date with some guy who seemed like a great fit on text, but he was very judgmental about some of my life experiences and my body was just withdrawing from him, but my head said oh he's interesting i'd be happy to see him again, despite these red flags. I was texting my best friend and she said that she was confused - why would i want to see him again when i just dissed him for being judgmental? that really highlighted to me that I need to be paying attention to how i feel and be mindful that I'm experiencing it, but not rely on that. DO NOT ACT ON IT. if you need, find something harmless like a tv show or an exercise routine or a new hobby to be interested in.

if you notice that trauma bond, all you have to do is put yourself as a third party - the adult version of yourself - and face it fully, acknowledge it, and accept that it happens. the target is NOT important at all - you can always find a new trauma bond. What is important is that you are experiencing it, and that now you are aware of them. focus on those feelings, not on the target, and just say wouldn't it be nice to have all these feelings consistently and securely? these are good feelings to have and I'd like to enjoy them in all the situations and decisions i make, for a long time to come! this just acknowledges that your body/inner child is experiencing "good" things, and that it's a good cue, but now you as a wiser older person can use this cue in a more strategic and mature fashion.

feelings are not a bad thing, but we just need to learn how to use it. they're like.. sonars. sonars are terrible if you use it to blast soundwaves at everything in your radius and it hits everyone standing close to you. however, if you apply sonar to detect for very specific things like commitment and compatibility, they become useful tools.

we just need to make that decision to move on - this comes with the willingness to let go of everything including your sadness and anger and self-blame, accept that you are where you are at, and start from scratch at that point. when you take that leap of faith, everything that does not serve you will fall off you and you will land with your true self on the next cliff.

Dear tnr9,

I think what has helped me is truly realizing the bond I felt was one sided. The person had experienced something quite different. I am not discounting my own strong feelings because it felt so real and so heavy. I didn't realize I felt so attached due to my unresolved past. We were addicted to the pain we caused each other. It was a bond that felt familiar and comfortable because we were both emotionally unavailable and had struggles from our upbringing. It was easier for me to create pain and focus on it/him than it was for me to focus on my past personal issues and pains that had caused my insecure attachment.

I realized my weakness was that I didn't believe I deserved anything more than pain; therefore, I attracted people who were willing to give it.

For me the point of no return was specific and I gave fair warning. I had told him, I was prepared to move on if things wouldn't change. I said the way I was being treated, triggered my anxiety and made me act out in ways I normally wouldn't and I needed to speak about it. The last time we messaged, I felt the shutdown...I knew the pattern quite well by then and felt the stonewalling. He didn't realize it is only stonewalling if I am trying to reach out; I wasn't. After being so fed up and hurt from cycles of push and pull, I told myself before this incident once I felt it ever happening again, I wouldn't be a part of it. Instead of asking him to change, I was going to be the change.

I decided the cycle ended with me. I don't care to have people around in my life I have to walk around eggshells for. I had to deal with that when I was a child and had no choice. As an adult I get to choose.

I really hope you realize once you start focusing on you, whether it be this platform, therapy, a creative project, reading books about attachments, reading books not about attachments, being around your support system, etc., you start to see and feel things differently. (I had to do all of those things I listed and then some)

As hard as it was for me, I realized he could not be my "everything" because I needed to be my "everything." It was sooooooo hard to get back to this....I didn't realize how this relationship had chipped away at my self confidence. I became a shell....I didn't like me and that is why this bond felt so crucial to me. It filled this void that never started with him, it was an old void. And I realized I can keep substituting it with many version of him, but the result would be the same pain. This void could only be filled with a bond, but it needed a different kind of bond and it was a bond with myself.

I also remember having this realization that if any of my friends had told me about this as if it were their situation, I would find a bat and go after this guy. I would be bewildered if she were still trying to get back with him. I realized how little I loved myself.

He called me a few months later at 2am, and I didn't pick up. I knew he was only checking to see if I was still there for him, but that old me was gone. I had to fight hard for this because there were parts of me that were dwelling on the what ifs, and the fantasy of what it all was. The truth had been standing in front of me the whole time. He had been showing me in so many ways, I just chose not to see.

I can tell you I am a bit disgusted and upset with myself that I allowed such a selfish, calculated, stingy idiot occupy so much of my time.
I heard from a friend he was in a new relationship, and I felt relieved. I know for a fact I am changing. He did not discard me; I discarded my old ways.

My best advice is to keep doing what you are doing and use this platform for help, and ask for help from your support systems. It is crucial that you love yourself and are kind to yourself during this time.

Wishing you the best.

The conversations with a killer one??
I've just finished watching it yesterday. What I'd suggest is practice of mindfulness, staying in the now- connected to the physical world and trying very hard not to engage in the fantasy world.

I understand that way of seeing people, trying to understand what made them cope or behave in a certain way and yes, you can see that hurt and lost little boy in a lot of very bad people. But not Bundy, at least not in this documentary. What it shows (what he shows) is a true psychopath- not even a sociopath. He must had been born this way. There's nothing more to him and the show itself doesn't suggest there was.

It made me think you created that story independently not only of what he did but of what was blatantly shown. It's beyond reading between the lines and I'm guessing those fantasies you enagage in don't make you happy at all. I'm also guessing they work like an addiction and to fight it, you must remove it from your life.