If you are on the dating app and there is a profile and there is something that makes you hesitate: We unknowingly know something about each other from a picture alone. Listen to your intuition. If you listen to your intuition, you know if the person is a go or a no go.
The problem may be your attachment pattern that spans your intuition
The ambivalent: Can doubt anything. Perhaps the ambivalents impulse is a NO go or a yes. But then they will often confuse themselves. Thinking: On one side and on the other side ....
The dismissive: May overhearing a go, as they have almost given up in advance.
The disorganized: Have difficulty marking their boundaries and can therefore date a person who exceeds their limits
It can be good to follow your first impulse as ambivalent. You can land the nervous system within.
As disorganized, it may be good to land your nervous system and then ask one of your friends about what they think.
The securely attatched: Everywhere. However, not in extreme situations, as they do not need an adrenaline kick like bungee jumping, extreme sports ect. They also often do not have very nerdy positions in their worklife or studies. ex.within IT, research ect. They can give You a smile on the street and give eye contact, when they walk past you on the street.
The ambivalent:Everywhere. But often Loves places with people. They can Shop often at the beginning of the month and enjoys themselves when shopping. They frequently goes to cafes, to concerts, likes to be social. They often keep animals - dogs, horses, cats. They are often occupied by people and therefore often work in the caregiving structure or study something with people.
The avoidant: Everywhere But They often love to engage in something, where they can be nerdy. Hobbies, studies, jobs etc. Associations where they can talk about their interests. They do not shop to enjoy themselves. They just go out to buy clothes and then they go home afterwards. However, they like to go out but with others they already know. They are reserved to others. They often love nature, like running or mountain biking. Some also like animals.
Disorganized: Available in risk positions ex. divers, emergency ambulance driver ect.. They often like extreme sports and they can stay at risky spots in the city at nighttime, where people are getting drunk ect
The dismissive: This is not relevant to the dismissive, as they have shut down to feel the body, and therefore the body can not cheat on them.
The ambivalent: In connection with dating or due to lack of dating, they may feel uneasiness, stomach ache, tense breathing, heartbeat and other stress symptoms. It can be old things from the past that interferes with the present. They can ex. find 5 errors with the other person and can doubt if they want the other person or if the other person wants them.
They can also get a positive dopamine rush and get positive body sensations feeling euforic, Up in the clouds that reminds of mania.
The ambivalent can try to do the water tank exercise, go for a walk, move their body to Regulate . It's a bad idea for the ambivalent to ask their date to help Them to land their nervous system in the dating face.
They can make some bad decisions and misinterpret the situation, when they are not regulated.
The disorganized: They can feel their Body But Can not always feel the body, if they are dissociated. They can therefore overhear warning signals. They can have boundless confidence because they are dissociated. They may experience panic and anxiety symptoms in the body. This does not always mean, that they are with the wrong person. It may be the old story from the past. They can be in high arousel when they date. They can react with a shut down and suddenly end the relationship if their date is looking at someone else, saying something they do not like ect. Shut down can feel like hopelessness. This is also connected to shame.
They can use breathing attention, the water tank exercise, the orientation exercise ect. to get into the now.
The clarifying chemistry meetings: Clear your dealbreakers here at the first 1-5 meetings.
At least 10 things needs to be clarified:
Do the person turn you on or is IT possible That the person can turn You on later ?. If You do not fancy the person. it must be taken seriously. It feels in the body, like the body wants to move away, your body leans back, when you are facing the person or you are holding your breath.
Dealbreakers: Things That you or the other person will not or can not compromise on, as theese things sooner or later will end the relationship. If You compromise on your dealbreakers, IT Will drain your lifeenergy and IT Will close your Heart.
Examples: Kids/No kids/more kids Living in the city or out in the country/in the nature Flirting/ sex with other people Addiction - Alcohol, food, workaholic, drugs Lies/cheating Econemy (spender/saver) Getting Needs met, such as physical contact, sex, closeness intimacy, ect Family time Selfharm how to take care of the body ex. stress, working out, alcohol ect. Hygiejne
How to find out:
Say "something That can Make me end a relationship is ...."
Look out for red flags
If You start to get a crush on the other person, then You can become blind to your dealbreakers.
If you are a woman ask some of your male friends to meet your new partner. If you are a male, you can ask some of your female friends.
The woman's unconscious relationship skills and satisfaction:
The woman's relationship with her mother The woman's relationship with her father - in the upbringing and later in life.
The woman's parents' relationship when she was a child. Secure: the patents relationship has been okay Desorganised: there was a Lot of drama between the parents. A Lot of fear, angst ect. Dismissive: the parents relationship was more practical - the parents dident show much emotions toeards eachother Ambivalent: the parents relationship was with feelings affetion, they could have been arguing a lot
The Man's unconscious relationship's abilities and satisfaction:
The Man's relationship with his father (important) The woman's relationship with her mother. (the new partners) The woman's parents' relationship (the new partners) According to Mark Wolynn the man's relationship to his mother is also very important.
Children learn from their parents how to Be in a relationship with another adult. (The parents could Be loving toward the child)
When You are dating a man you can ask about the his relationship with his dad. If his father is dead, You can ask about their relationship before his father died. What did they use to do together, what did talk about, were they close or distant ect.?
Relationship skills: Has the other person had short or long relationships in the past? Who ended the persons last relationship? - If it is the person you are dating, who ended it, you can relax more. If it was the other one who ended the relationship, it can both be good and bad. Time Will show. How long time ago is it ? - It usually takes about 2 years and get over a fairly good relationship. If the person has been with a psychopath, a narcissist or a borderliner, it may take longer. If it is only 2 months since the other came out of a relationship, it may be less easy at the beginning. But some may not endure being alone, so they quickly enter into a new relationship. If less than two years have passed since the other came out of a relationship, it may present some challenges in the beginning.
The ambivalent and the desorganised can go into a new relationship quickly agter they ended their last relationship.
The avoidant is not in a hurry.
The secure is more relaxed and often use a little time to Be alone, after they ended a relationship and before they enter a new relationship.
Where can you meet a partner irl.: study Work where you live, Out in town, on bars (drink only 1-2 items, otherwise you can go below your standard and lose your presence fitness center and places where you get your pulse up) - men tend to be attracted to women in Places where the adrenaline level is high) running clubs kayak clubs rowing clubs evening high schools super markets (as a Woman You can contact a man in the wine department for help choosing a wine) bus stop the train in the parks[, airports ect.
Ask People in your network (family, colleges, friends ect)
Flirt: Being able to flirt lies in the instinctive part of the brain. People in the secure attachment can flirt without problems. Flirt is the life energy that is in flow. You can both flirt with men and women without it has to mean anything serious.. The flirting is in the reflexes and in the instincts. Something is hereditary and something is cultural. Instincts control us and are beyond the conscious part. If you have chock-trauma or develemental trauma, the connections between the instinctive level and the cognitive part of the brain are shorter.
Being able to flirt is something we are Born with. When we feel safe in ourselves and with the other person and we have a regulated nerveus system IT is natural to flirt. Flirt and reproduction sits in the reptile brain. If we are in survival mode fight or flight, threre is no room for flirt and reproduction, (and love).
Flirting is just a maybe Being playfull
Some People flirt without looking for a partner.
You can use the watertank exercise when flirting or push exercises to land your nerveussystem. Also coming into secure exercise.
Good Places to flirt: On the dancefloor. A man who can lead is sexy. At the bar At receptions Teambuilding courses with work Fitnesscenter, runningclubs ect. Not so good Places to flirt: Museums Theater Cinemas Be carefull at workplases - You can loose your job
Be who You are when You flirt. Give yourself the chance to Get into the now. You can say to the butterflies in your stomac: okay You are allowed to Be here right now. Is there a place in Your Body with calmness ? Use an orienting exercise ect.
Other People can smell.when You are in panic mode.
Begin with small talk.
You can think of sentences You can use if You Get nerveus and You Get into freeze.
Remember your tone of voise and your Body language is important. Keep eyecontact But not for to Long.
If You are interested lean into the other person. You can also mirror the other persons bodylanguage. Use an open bodylanguage.
If not interested lean back. Use a closed bodylanguage. (But This could Be inserestng for the ambivalent.)
Look at the other persons feet ?
You can give compliments.
Listen, Be attuned, put your phone down.
Remember flirt is playfull. Do not Imagine wedding, Children ect when You flirt
To find out whether or not the other person is single: ask what are You gonig to do in your holliday, over Christmas.
Do not overshare.
People with a secure connection form flirt with whom they want to be a partner with.
The ambivalent: flirts with many people, very lively ect. or do not flirt because they are uncertain of themselves.
The dismissive: May be out of timing. They use their heads to flirt with. They often have to think.
The disorganized: Can move too fast or let the other move too fast. They have difficulties with boundaries They can be very flirtatious or more quiet because of shame. Some are promiscuous.
The masculine is 1-2 years to commit. The feminine 1-2 months to commit.
If You are a Woman in a hurry, because You want kids, You can give IT a 5 month deadline. Let your date meet some of your male friends.
You can also ask your date to Make a lovevision so That You can compare IT with your own lovevision.
1. Date: 1-2 hours Purpose: To.have a good time. Do not sit down and drink cofee, But move.
Do something where You move on your First date. Walk go to the zoo, a park, by the sea, Be creative, paint, make Music, drag, Horse back riding, climbing, kayaking, vine tasting (do not Get drunk), sushi course, choclate cource, rollerblade, gocart, flyboard, kitesurfing, watersking, dance class, bike ridning, . Visit an amusement park.
The ambivalent: Butterflies, over in the other person, may find fault with the other Speaks a lot and quickly and can be hectic and on. Laughs a lot. Or Not talking but asking and listening and being the one they think the other wants Them to be.
Advice: Land your nervous system, use your body and get your focus home to yourself and make you feel comfortable and happy. Use selfregulation exercises and Dance, sing before a date etc. Think of a couple you know where love is allowed to develop. Land the nervous system during your date. Relax and enjoy your date. Find 5 things that you appreciate by the other person and think of 5 things you value by yourself.
Remember you are an adult and drop your projects.
The dismissive: Having trouble being relaxed. Can talk about their own interests / work / politics. Remember it's not about being interesting.
Ask questions. Use Friendly eyes exercise - before You date Use Welcome to the world exercise - before You date Write some good questions you can ask the other person on your date: Ex. What makes you happy, which movie do you like and why, what do you like about your work ect.
Use the here and now exercise on your date.
The disorganized: Anxiety in the body, in the stomach, in the limbs ect. Or they do not notice anything in their body because they are dissociated. They may have problems with boundaries They can ask very personal questions or can share very personal things. Can touch the other. Often arriving late - they lost their keys, did not reach the train ect. Regulate the nervous system with water tank exercise, push exercise, Get into the now exercise. Can think that they themselves should be perfect or that the other should be perfect
On a date: Go slowly forward How can you learn to Get to know the other one before you get more involved Use the water tank exercise, the breathing exercise, here and now exercise. Remember it's not about life or death. You are an adult. You decide your limits yourself. Take small steps
The ambivalent: Will typically be concerned if the other is interested in seeing Them again. Or can think of everything that was wrong with the other person.
The dismissive: Will often forget about the date and not be particularly concerned about the other after the 1st date. They can suddenly remember to call their date within 3-10 Days after the First date.
The disorganized: The disorganized can think in black and white, either / or They can be spontaneous and quick to respond regardless of whether it is no thanks or yes thank you to meet again. They often do not have much patience about the development of things. They can have a hard time when things are unresolved and not clear If they are interested they will typically go all in
Remember:If You feel repulsed, after the date, IT is a No go.
1) Sit on a chair. Breathe in and breathe out slowly 3 times. Think of the first date.. How was the mood ect.. How are the sensations in the body: cold, heat, heaviness, ease, tingeling ect. Notice what mood you are in? Check out the exercise Meeting your future partner - the lovejourney , feel which sensations are the same as in the Meeting your future partner. How much matches your feelings with your partner from your "partner" from Meeting your future partner love Journey exercise ?
2) Check out your love vision and your dealbreakers.
Land the nervous system with the water tank exercise and enter a semi-meditative state. Notice your sensations in the body. And notice your breathing. Return to your attention with your breathing. Imagine your date coming into your love vision. How does it feel to wake up in the morning? Can you Support each other and meet each other's needs, going together to concerts ect. Compare with Whatever You have written in your lovevision. Notice the feelings and sensations in your body, when you think you are doing these things with your date.
Feel if it's a yes or a no.
These exercises can tell if you need to move on with this person or not.
Does it make sense that this person can match into your love vision?
Dealbreakers - is there a part of you That thinks about the other matching your dealbreakers
In the old part of the brain is your love's template. That can recreate the old feelings and moods from your childhood.
Who should decide - head or body? Use all 3 parts. Be aware of alarm bells. You can't always count on the emotions and the body (the instinktive level). The love template is in the old part of the brain. It's the one that gets you attracted to someone who represents the moods, enviroment ect. of your childhood.
The ambivalent: IT is important to do exercises 1 and 2. Find out how interested you are in the other person? Why are you interested in the other? Why not ? Why gets you up in the cognitive part of the brain. The ambivalent often uses the emotions and the instinctive part of the brain. Therefore, it is good for them to use the cognitive part of the brain.
Your ambivalence can make you doubt. You can find 5 errors with the other person ("omg, he is wearing socks in his sandals", "he is a little too fat", "he/she talks too much" ect.) If in doubt, give it a try. Date the other person 4-5 times. Unless: The person does not fit into your dealbreakers or into your love vision. Or if your body reacts with disgust.
As ambivalent You are in doubt if the other one wants you. If the other doesn't really want you, you can become more interested in the other as an ambivalent.
Remember to ask yourself: What do I want. Remember to be good and loving to yourself.
If the other has ambivalent attatchmentstyle: Calling, sending sms with smileys, seems a little needy, is in victim role. They can Be VERY feminine and Sometimes they are creative. When the other person is ambivalent, the person can switch between wanting or not wanting/ being interested/not being interested.. Rest in yourself so That You do not Get too affected by the other person.
To attract the ambivalent: Don't be so accessible. But if thats not who You are, remember to be you. Remember you are valuable and lovable just as you are!
The dismissive: Maybe you have never been in love or you have only been in love once or twice. Therefore, you cannot use the in love template as a landmark. As a starting point, you must date the other person 4-5 times. Except if the other one does not fit into your dealbreakers or not fits in to your love vision. You can do that with your cognitive part of the brain, that you are so good at using
When you date: text more often, get better at replying, use smileys, get in touch with the other more often than what feels natural to you.
If the other is dismissive: Then you Will get short texts, often no smileys, slow to answer or don't answer at all. Don't expect much presence and contact. But you can expect intellectual and philosophical talks. If you have common interests, you will be able to get lots of inspiration as the dismissive often likes to nerd with their interessets. They can be more masculine than feminine in their way of being. Give time and space. If you are ambivalent, be extra patient. The dismissive answer briefly and factually, but may still be interested in getting to know you!
Disorganized: (FA) You may experience discomfort and anxiety in the body after 1 date. It may be anxiety. Or You may not feel anything at all and that is because you are dissociated. You are typically attracted to a person who can restore childhood insecurity and drama. It can be difficult to rely on the body's signals. Regulate your nervous system: use the water tank exercise, into the now exercise. Ask a friend to look at the other personsdatingprofile. Ask and Be aware if there is any overdog / underdog dynamics.
If the other has disorganized: You may already have heard of unpredictable events, drama stories and the like. They can share too much information about themselves. They can Be VERY facinating to Be With. Creative and feminine. They may be late for your date. They can interrupt themselves in sentences. Especially when they talk about the past. They can use black and white, either / or thinking. You can go into an adventure with Them with lots of intensity, making love all the time, you spend a Lot of time together, are having fun, can move in together fast. Be prepared that you do not know what is going to happen. The relationship can end abruptly. Be clear about your boundaries. Say clearly no and clearly yes. Be clear, use short sentences. Rest in yourself. .Look at the examble with the dog Valdemar with desorganised trauma. Remember the desorganised likes to be in control. So in the dating fase try to let the desorganised take the initiative.
Remember to focus on being loving to yourself when you date.
If You are not interested: Text or call as Soon as You know. Write: "Hi xxx. Thank You for taking the time to meet in person. Unfortinality I am not interested in takling IT any further. Good Lyck finding a partner"
Then the. Other person dosent have to think about if the person wants to spend more time and energy on you. Be polite. Always Get back when People have spend time with You. Do not gost.
If you are interested after 1st date: Send a text message: "Hi xxx, I really enjoyed your company and I am looking forward to getting to know you better." Make it short, No questions but come up with a statement. The other can't say no to a statement. When you make a statement, the other one cannot reject you. Then you do not feel rejected if the other is not interested.
If the other does not respond quickly, it may be difficult for the ambivalent or disorganized to wait. Give IT time. At least one week. There can be many reasons why the other one does not respond immediately.
If there is no answer after 1 week, close the contact. Write or call: "Since I haven't heard from you, I expect you are not interested in meeting again. Good luck finding a partner." Otherwide the energy is hanging in the air. Then you get the energy back to you. Then the other can also return to you if the person has a good reason for not responding ealier. Even if you are a woman, you can send a message, as it is just a statement. If you are ambivalent, only send the message, if you can wait up to a week before getting and answar back. The ambivalent can have a pattern to reash out, reach out and reach out again and again to get back in contact. From the time you sent a message, your nervous system may be activated until you receive a message back. This also applies if you have disorganized affiliation . so Be aware of this.