AP red flags?

Eeps! Yes. Too fast. Especially for not having met in person yet. Flowers already? It’s sweet but too much. It’s good that he slowed down a bit after you asked him too however I wouldn’t make a solid decision until you meet. Right now it’s just fantasy and projection. Good luck and keep us posted.

glacier , I'm a dismissive female and first I just want to empathize with your confusion over this . I came to this forum asking about ap red flags in online dating. This is simply because I know that my approach is on the other end of the spectrum as a dismissive and I truly do not know what "normal" healthy courtship looks like. So even something pretty normal can feel intense to me, and I could easily excuse over-intensity with my own ignorance or simply just not wanting to hurt someone's feelings.

So, when I date I will need feedback like this also. I do know that it's very important to register your own feelings and comfort level and have your own boundaries. And, I agree his behavior is premature and too much. I have allowed myself to be pushed along prematurely out of a wish to not seem rude or too unavailable and that always ended up badly and was as wrong as it felt. Lessons learned. Good things take time and also, healthy people know how to take their time

I myself don't respond well to standard romantic gestures as they seem manipulative unless I'm with someone long term who I know truly knows, understands; and cares for me. I cannot be won or influenced by romantic gestures and too much affection or intrusive searching into my life seems very manipulative and like there is an agenda behind it. So obviously there are triggers in all that for me and I have to gain clarity on what's a good balance.

Anyway, good luck!

There is a lot written about the pitfalls of dating between an AP and DA. I'll speak in general terms which may get me blown up because it may trigger others, but there is nothing here that isn't already written. My experience is that the bulk of the interactions with an AP ultimately became centered on their strong negative emotions which are founded in their perspective of my inadequacy as a partner. I did not and do not share their perspective of the relationship, and my part in it, and my supposed responsibility to prove myself somehow to them. I do much better with a secure or even somewhat avoidant partner who is more emotionally secure and consistently positive and empowered.
The tendency toward very low self esteem in an unaware AP drives the dynamic, in my opinion- everything is about them and how they feel, about everything. And with a DA they feel..... miserable, rejected, fearful, anxious, dissatisfied, suspicious, while seeing themselves as emotionally more evolved yet unaware of their self absorbed emotional unavailability. I have been with angry AP's whose protest behavior eliminated my need to protect their feelings and inspired me to protect my own and end the relationship without looking back.

I have a male friend
who is AP who just let his neediness fuel a drunken rage at his partner who is dismissive and I hope for both of their sakes they can end it all, because it's been a horrible mess from day one. He shares all his anxiety and bitter abandonment feelings with me and I've tried to direct him to Attachment information to help him but he won't give up the obsession. He's constantly on edge and continually interpreting her behaviors in a very negative light. For example, she is menopausal and her hormones have her exhausted and feeling down- but if she needs to go straight home after work instead of come see him, she's just blowing him off and being bad to him. I do try to help him see things in another light and he's receptive every time but cannot seem to make headway through his abandonment narrative that has her as the bad person and him as her victim.

All insecure types have their problems, but I'm responding to your particular enquiry.

This goes along with the literature, I found it to be very difficult and unpleasant to be in this dynamic. Early signs were complaints about the ex.

OMG. He told you why you're hesitating? He's got that figured out? RED FLAG.
AP do tend to psychoanalyze and tell themselves stories and interpret everything according to their "I can heal this wounded soul" narrative, and it's actually quite infantilizing even if they don't intend it that way. You can read lots of threads here about AP referencing their partner's childhood or past and trying to somehow assist with that, unasked.

I would not continue with the situation you are describing, but it's up to you and you have to go with what you really sense. I'd be relieved to cut loose from that , I've seen it before and it was just icky.

YES. You nailed it. He keeps trying to "figure me out" and what I mean. It is as if he cannot understand or accept exactly what I tell him. For example, I said he should continue to look at other dating profiles as we are long distance and I cannot give him the assurance that we will be an item since we hardly know each other. For now, I appreciate our friendship but he has every right to date others. He really got his head twisted around this one - he asked me if it is because I don't want to try it out with him? I was a bit distracted during one of the video calls because I was simply uncomfortable and had something else on my plate, he picked it up quickly and again I feel that I don't have any room to be "uncomfortable" even though it isn't really anything to do with him.

I can't have every molehill made into a mountain. There's so much more to LIFE, gosh.

Otherwise, we are very compatible, I'm reluctant because we have so much in common, but I don't want constant drama over nothing. My energy is precious to me. I think I'm going to nib this one in the bud. Thank you for helping to clarify many tangled thoughts.

That is all true - if I give up on trying to see if we might be compatible, it will be due to this anxious preoccupied behavior. I need to be with someone who has a life of his own, but who is there for me (and I am there for him) whenever we need it.

I wonder though, how might a secure handle an AP? Will they know how to reassure an AP partner like him? Is it too early to conclude that he might be toxic?The literature seems to suggest that secures are suitable for both APs and DAs. I didn't read anything about FA so I'm afraid I do not know enough to comment.

glacier, the only thing that reaaaally concerned me was him using the internet to find out where you work and send you things, etc.. That's such an overstep!!! Sure, I may google people too when I don't really know them yet, but I neither tell them nor use the info to manipulate them or to stalk. Not that he's doing that, but usually I'm just checking for safety reasons and also curious to learn more about them without seeming totally overeager. I'm not checking to send gifts or track someone down before I know someone.

I'm less concerned about him attempting to offer you insight when you are both actively participating in long, deep conversations. If he's telling you "what's wrong" in a, I want to fix you no matter what you want way, that's a red flag. If he just was offering oh, have you thought of this thing you're struggling with this way? And you say thanks for your opinion but I'm dealing with it on my own. And he doesn't bring it up again and you don't feel pressured to change, I think that's fine.