Ugh...I hate “fishing”

This has me so curious! Do you prefer the contact between you and B to be via facebook stalking and storymaking, where you can assume what best suits your narrative and convince yourself of the certainty of your fears being true... or is it truly worse to have actual contact in which you expect absolutely no ambiguity and avoid asking questions or making suggestions?
It seems you may prefer passive contact and communication and either way it will inspire very negative feelings in you.  Either way you lose, and in either scenario you remain passive and the recipient of some kind of negative messaging about yourself.

Am I way off base? Are you impossible to please and dead set on suffering either due to your inadequacy or his?

That is a really good question @sherry....and I certainly have noticed that the way I have set this whole situation...I lose.  I think....and again...really just starting to explore this at a whole new angle....it comes down to a couple of things.....boundaries....where do I end, where do you end....seeing B’s actions as not directly tied to me but his own choices....and expecting to be abandoned, left, cheated on, not wanted, not deserving....which causes a very negative slant on everything.  

Back to the original question....I prefer face to face and I even texted him back that he does not have to fish with me and I would love to hang out with him....to which....he went radio silent.  When we see each other...we have a fun time, catching up, he picks a movie, we get a pizza...it is simple....sure...there is hope in me....but he doesn’t toy with that...which I appreciate.  In fact, I was really bummed when he said he had made other plans to stay in his local area...but I had to remind myself that he had choices....he could have clarified things, he could have kept his plans a bit open....otherwise I was going to spiral on feelings of guilt.....that I was responsible for not responding quick enough, for not saying the right thing etc.  That guilt is so powerful that I am crying...even though...as an adult I know I have done nothing wrong.  Not sure I really answered anything for you.....I am now just really emotional and need to spend some time toprocess this through.

It’s the fear of being upfront and actually saying what one wants. Cowardice. And yes, many times.

I don’t know if I would label it as cowardice....it definitely makes it harder to provide a direct answer.  I assume there is a reason why you would want to veil the direct request.  Am I off base?

There’s a reason. Nobody likes rejection. I think by your immediate text, you dodged an emotional bullet.

It does...and I appreciate the suggestion to block him....but I have chosen to try to maintain a friendship...as heart wrenching as that is at times.  

At at one point, B admitted that he dated me because he was lonely and looking for a cuddle buddy.  That hurt like the dickens...but at least it was honest.  I am doing better with every intereraction...but I am so very aware that my triggers are still in place and so are his.

tnr9 I'm sure that you've heard this and thought about it all before, but you aren't his friend now, you want something else.

I respect you're decision, I just want to say one more thing, maybe it helps. In a previous break up of mine in which I wanted to remain friends, I had this desperate feeling that if I couldn't become his friend immediately after the break up, I'd lose him forever. I didn't and remained NC. After I got over him, I saw that I didn't really miss him. I missed his company to a point, but missing a friendship is not painful, so the "desperate" feeling left.
We're still friendly and if we were living in the same continent now, maybe we would be friends.

The desperate feeling for me, was fear of abandonment. When that kicks in, we do everything possible to keep the person close even if that means more damage. We need to forgive our caretakers for implanting that feeling in us and take care of our inner child. Now we know how. Now we know that everything's going to be ok if they don't come back, we can handle it. Then comes the leap of faith. You let go, and trust that you'll be able to take care of yourself. Trust that if the connection you felt with your ex is true, a friendship will flourish, but if it wasn't, everything will still be ok, because now you got you taking care of yourself, you don't need anybody else.

This is not something that happens instantly. Healing traumas takes tiiime, even if sounds reasonable and easy. But it does happen.

Another thing that I've noticed was always holding me back was black and white thinking. I thought that the healing process is fast. "I mean, it makes sense, I understand it, why can't I do it? Oh I'm useless, that's why". And then continued the vicious circle of self hatred and the need of someone else to regulate me. There was no in between. There was no "well, I'm trying and I know that at some point I'll make it".

Since I've realised this black and white thinking, I'm able to recognize when I'm doing it. Once I do that, I pause and start thinking "what does the in between look like?", then, try to do that. Emphasis on the word "try". I fail again and again, but sometimes I succeed and that's f*ing awesome. And thats something I can hold on to forever. I turned my success into a sturdy step and I use it to go higher and higher.

It's like learning to play a new instrument. You sit down, study some chords then try to play them. Immediately, you feel like a failure for not being able to play like Clapton in 5 minutes. You give up. Obviously, you're useless. But wait, what does the in between look like? Hours of practicing. Oh well that sounds hard, well I'm not willing to do that, so I probably am not meant to learn how to play after all. Time goes by and you realise that the only thing you truly want is to learn how to play but you get stuck in that cycle every single time you try. So what gives? Black and White thinking encourages self negative talks. The saying goes "I think I can", not "I think I can't". So you start practicing thinking you can. And it's gonna be very hard fighting the "I can'ts". You'll practice for 5 minutes, stand up frustrated, do something else, then try again even after a week. The week gap turns into days, days into hours. And even if you didn't follow your "perfect plan of success", at the end if the month, you're playing. Not Clapton level playing, but better than that just one chord you gave up on. You started silencing the voices of the past, the voices of people who didn't support you, who made you feel unworthy of love, who gave you all these insecurities and you took your younger self's hand and made it.



Another thing. The friendly ex I mentioned, completely respected the time I asked for and that too is what made our now relationship possible. I'm saying this because your ex is either blind to your emotions, which may indicate lack of empathy, or just super convenient in your relationship. He might not be such a good friend as you might think he is.

Would you be able to hang out with a guy you know is head over heels for you? I'd be super awkward. I'd be calculating every move so he wouldn't get his hopes up and that's why I'd never do it and don't really think much of people who do. I don't usually get along with those type of people.

I'm not trying to convince you to do anything, I know the feeling, heck I haven't blocked my ex. It's a tough decision, but if I see that it's holding me back, I will. Correction, I'll try to.

Anyways, I'm sorry I'm repetitive and it came out more than "one thing", I can just really relate. These our thoughts I tell myself on occasions like this.