|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jun 10, 2019 15:10:04 GMT
After all this time, I would be sad if you felt triggered enough to allow B to have the power to send you down the snake from whence you came. Are his intentions reasonable? Are your expectations reasonable? FAs like me use APs like you up. We use secure people up, for goodness sake. There are people I don’t communicate with, although I’d like to, because I have enough compassion to not put them through misery. Of course, whatever you choose is your own business, but I just thought it would be remiss of me not to say this again. Hey mrob....thank you for caring enough to ask these questions. I don’t know Bs intent...I can only speak to my own expectations/motives....and yes....I recognize that I still have hope and a desire to get back together that I must be vigilant about. Honestly...this is such new territory for me....I am not friends with any other guy I dated and as rocky as it has been, i still love him very much...just as he is. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2019 19:40:47 GMT
Hi @sherry , I think we can all understand your perspective as well. This board can at times be triggering for people on all sides of attachment. I've taken breaks from reading and posting when I felt triggered by reading some of the more escalated AP posts! Oddly enough the Avoidant boards didn't trigger me, but my point is, its understandable that you have your own thoughts/feelings on the posts in this thread and it does give perspective as well because in the end we don't know what B's thinking or feeling. We DO know, the history of the relationship and that T has been trying to navigate a very difficult friendship with him. I tried the same with my ex, but I had to cut it off. I don't think any of us, AP or otherwise set out to manipulate each other, thought it can appear that way on both sides actually, I just find that with no self introspection or accountability on any side, that the cycle of pain just continues over and over. A lot of us on here are doing the hard work and it is difficult when our partners refuse, thus becoming our exes that just wont go away. It then becomes up to us, to take care of ourselves. Coming on here is where that support begins. Thank you and I hear you Kristy, although I don't at all see an ex that won't go away in "B"- I see an AP stalking and clinging and refusing to be truly honest with an ex and let him go. Ultimately , it's the behavior I am encountering in my friend that I see IRL that has me triggered- it's just so toxic and manipulative, he's an angry, spiteful victim caught in attacking her because of his own low self esteem and it's just ugly. Ive been on the receiving end of that and it was painful, scary, and I count it a real accomplishment to have stood up for myself finally and escape it. I've allowed the toxicity and "venting" this stuff in my friendship with this AP too long and then when I read this kind of thread it became an outlet for what I really feel about all of it. I've expressed it outright to my friend and still, he beelines up to me with an ugly sneering face to bitch about her latest "offenses". But won't just leave her- he seems invested in clinging and flogging himself and her. It's just poisonous, even to hear about it all the time. So, yes- I need to set even stronger boundaries and I've hesitated only because he goes into this self-flaggelation apology mode which is also very uncomfortable. And, of course I see all that in this post also, the internal shame and self blame and absolute anguish which ultimately stems from the AP's own choices. It seems so much of a quagmire of doom and ultimately, relief is somehow found focusing on the avoidant or other party in the situation. And finding fault with THEM. My part in this is allowing it in my own life by not setting better boundaries with the AP I have mentioned. It's taken a bit of a toll and I need to take care of it and take better care of myself in it. Handy discovery here, all things work together for good I guess. Thanks again. @thatright this is what I refer to. |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Jul 9, 2019 2:45:51 GMT
Here is how it went down B: Hey, I found out yesterday that there is a free concert in x tomorrow. I am pondering going. Me (next day because I went to bed early): you should go...sounds like it will be fun B: I was actually fishing a little bit. I was thinking about seeing if you wanted to hang out (although I have a feeling you probably have plans already) but I am going to stay local after all. Me: Oh...you know you don’t have to fish. I would have loved to see you.i am working from home if you change your mind. No reply. - It sounds like from your text exchange that B was seeking validation from you. Once he got it- interest and acceptance on your part- there was no follow through. |
|
hola
Junior Member
Posts: 61
|
Post by hola on Jul 9, 2019 17:25:25 GMT
I've learned in my journey as an FA and the never ending journey of learning how to have healthy relationships, that if you've had history w/a person that causes MAJOR triggers in you and makes you feel more miserable in the end, then they are not to be kept as friends. At. ALL. Walk away and look for "friends" that will help you become what you want to be. And that is to learn to be in healthy relationships. Fact is, it shouldn't be so hard to be friends. And if you admit to yourself that in the end, you still want more with this person, you are only setting yourself up for more misery. They've shown you who they are. They will continue to be the same wishy washy, I don't know what I want, I'll look for you when it's convenient for me, type of way. Take your power back and set higher boundaries on the people you want in your life. People that are consistent, will call you to make sure there are no misinterpretations, misunderstandings, and the like TRUST ME: I've learned this the hard way. It WORKS No floundering on your part either. Cuz then that's on you. I had to learn to be responsible of what I contributed to this and that only I had the power to stop it. That's the difference of secures. They walk away of any shady behavior. I learned it ALL starts with me, what I allow, what I don't Hope this helps  |
|
