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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 17:17:48 GMT
Being here a relatively short time but seeing your pattern, and how you only come here for this kind of question "What do i do?!?" Instead of much introspection into how to solve your AP problem, my best advice is just:
welcome contact, enjoy him in your life as long as that lasts, and keep going through the well established cycle until you know i still instinctively what to do.
This isn't hateful advice, just realistic in my opinion based o. what you have hated.
Eventually you will be in too much pain to question it, everyone hits bottom at different rates and severities.
Just do what you usually do, until you find another way by making real changers inside yourself .
Best of luck!
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Post by toorational on Jun 12, 2019 17:17:56 GMT
You already know the answer. Take charge of the situation and block him and keep no contact. It will empower you. Don't let him play with your feelings. Don't reopen a fresh wound. Work on improving yourself while you heal from this. You deserve better than this. You deserve a relationship where love is mutual.
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Post by kristyrose on Jun 12, 2019 17:48:47 GMT
You are not pathetic or an idiot.
Both AP and DA/FA will go through the exact same patterns Sherry referenced over and over until either they decide to change and go through the painful process, or stay in the same pattern just with another person.
Be gentle with yourself. This is not an easy situation and can be very painful to just break away. They would not call these attachment issues if they didn't involve painful detachment as well.
I will be honest here, there is no other way out of this than to block him and try to move on. His reaching out like this is cruel even if he isn't aware that he is hurting you. The bottom line it is hurting you and coming on here can be helpful in working out what you are feeling, but in terms of what you should do, there is only one answer.
Sending you warm thoughts...
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Post by toorational on Jun 12, 2019 17:55:15 GMT
I suggest to join some kind of group activity where you get to meet other people so you don't rely on your ex to fulfill your need for connection with others. Anything like painting classes, volunteering, group hiking, biking club, dancing lessons, etc.
Also working on yourself with either self-help books or therapy is probably essential. I'd suggest staying single and not dating during that time.
Good luck.
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Post by kristyrose on Jun 12, 2019 18:13:33 GMT
If you haven't sought a therapist, I think you should look into seeing one. It will tremendously helpful as you work through this process.
You are not quite ready to block him and I understand. It took me a long time to block mine because his attention was comforting, but he also behaved in very hurtful ways. The past year I would only respond to him when he reached out, I tried to no longer initiate and just move on. The more I stayed away, the more he pursued and all for no reason other than to soothe himself. If I responded to his pursuit, he would ignore me and pull back sharply. It can feel addicting, the push/pull cycle, because you just wait for when they come back as it soothes you. However, the long term effects of this are devastating and demoralizing. Remember, the relationship is over, whatever is happening now is not real.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 18:19:00 GMT
How long have you been within this cycle?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 18:34:41 GMT
How does the common cycle go?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 18:43:17 GMT
What's yours and his attachment style?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 18:46:40 GMT
Does he have DA or FA or both? Do you see him much in person unless your meeting up?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 18:50:08 GMT
Has he ever told you his feelings towards you? I'm assuming his actions have spoken differently to his words right?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 18:51:12 GMT
Has he ever told you his feelings towards you? I'm assuming his actions have spoken differently to his words right?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 18:54:07 GMT
Sometimes what people say in words differ with their actions. Like has he said something in words especially when it comes to his feelings towards you but his actions has been the total opposite?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 18:59:33 GMT
Being here a relatively short time but seeing your pattern, and how you only come here for this kind of question "What do i do?!?" Instead of much introspection into how to solve your AP problem, my best advice is just: welcome contact, enjoy him in your life as long as that lasts, and keep going through the well established cycle until you know i still instinctively what to do. This isn't hateful advice, just realistic in my opinion based o. what you have hated. Eventually you will be in too much pain to question it, everyone hits bottom at different rates and severities. Just do what you usually do, until you find another way by making real changers inside yourself . Best of luck! Thank you Sherry, I know what you say makes perfect sense. I feel pathetic like an addict. So sorry for all those crazy typos lol! I would agree that you are an addict. It would seem so anyway, I am not a clinician. Of course, it's up to you what you will do next. I'm not sure why you ask other than it may feed a sense of doing the right thing in you- kind of like "I'll go through the motions and tell myself that's good enough..." You have received all of this advice over and over again, from looking at your history. You are always supremely grateful and super emotional about all your intentions and anguish. And then you do the same things over and over again. Im not shaming you, I am simply retracing your steps for you. You're in your own self perpetuated cycle and only you can decide to do something to change it. No one can give you hope, either. You have to choose that. No one can do anything for you at all you have to do it yourself. Coming here with your pattern is just going through the motions and acting out. If you actually do something f different this time it will be a first step in breaking the pattern you are creating yourself. If you think he has all the power here you will fail. No question. If you wake up and realize that he only has what you hand him, you will have a chance. Otherwise, try to get to the lowest low asap. find your bottom just don't destroy yourself in the process. That's always a risk. There is no hope for you unless you do something different with your life. Sad but true and if you doubt that, look closely at your life and ask yourself... is what I'm doing giving me any hope AT ALL?!? |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 19:04:58 GMT
Yes - I too have been in the same cycle as you. So I can identify the confusion. Which too a lot of people on this board have as well.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 19:21:53 GMT
It's probably one of the worst pain I have ever experienced. It's also the most confusing and toxic relationships I've gone through. But when it comes to constant pushing and pulling - I realized I wasn't going to get anywhere with him. I can never have a healthy relationship nor friendship with him. I gave him chance after chance. I kept going back because I really loved him. But one day, I woke up and saw his behaviour was not right.
I cut contact with him almost three weeks ago. Although I tried to reach out cuz I knew cutting off contact hurt him. But it didn't hurt as much as the pain I went through.
There's only so much a person can take before they realise enough is enough. At first it stings because you think did I do the right thing in cutting contact? How is he feeling? But I know that's the weak side of me talking.
I've had strong urges to want to reach out. But the sensible side of me says no.
I'm starting to feel stronger every day. I'm now starting to make and improve myself. Cuz that relationship shattered my confidence. Sometimes we stay in relationships based on how we see our selves. If we remain in toxic relationships, then we see ourselves as low value. Cuz when I look back at the relationship, I see I deserved much better and if I could go back to get myself out of it. I would. Cuz I now see I deserve a loving and healthy two way relationship. Someone who will treat me right and a proper woman.
You've gotta be ready to take the first step. Make it and not look back.
It's kinda like a drug addict going into rehab. Once they enter rehab, they have urges to want to get out and start taking drugs again. This is very similar. If you're strong enough to fight those urges, you will make it. If you don't, you're end up back to square one.
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