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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 19:53:03 GMT
Your find the timing when it comes and then you're be ready.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 12, 2019 20:34:01 GMT
Hey hellsbells...he is repeating a pattern for you....a pattern that you are probably all too familiar with and it feels like the norm. Instead of looking at his behavior...look at your own....what drives your craving for him? What are getting out of being in this pattern? What do you hope to get? In what ways does being with him mirror your childhood? Tough questions...but I think Kristyrose said it best....have compassion for yourself...recognize that you are valuable, not flawed. Once you can look towards yourself with compassion and trust in your own value...then the yearning for someone else’s validation softens. I wish you well.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 21:05:31 GMT
It's so very sad we all want peace and love on our lives. I'm not ready to cut him completely out just yet. We lived together cooked together slept together for 15 mths, there is a bond between us, I miss the good times with him so much x There's your answer, you didn't even need all that advice. There are surely more good times to be had, and for you they might be worth the inevitable pain of the next part of the cycle. I'm sure you're happier right now than you've been in a minute just because he's in contact. Even if you just message back and forth and say beautiful things together, it's better than nothing, right? When he leaves or blocks you again you can still think of the good times. Have you thought about recording them so they can be more permanent? Like a voice or video recording? For when you're blocked or can't reach him because he's changed his number? If this sounds silly to you it's because it is.  But it's totally in line with how your thought processes are going. I just wondered if it might sink in to you differently if we all sounded as unreasonable as you. And I'm serious. I just had the idea that if you saw your thinking reflected back to you like a mirror it would seem strange to you? Because you're getting a lot of reasonable sound advice that makes sense given the known elements of the situation, and yet it just is totally disregarded by you. This isn't a criticism. It's an observation, and I really am wondering if you have just normalized insanity for yourself- because it's coming out of you but only sane stuff is coming back. I dunno, maybe it will help you. If not, I'm sure your addiction isn't fatal yet and only harms you. It's your life, no one can tell you what to do, but since you asked it's a good opportunity to come at it from a lot of angles I guess. Again, best to you and hope whatever you choose takes you in the direction you need to go! |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 21:19:53 GMT
It's so very sad we all want peace and love on our lives. I'm not ready to cut him completely out just yet. We lived together cooked together slept together for 15 mths, there is a bond between us, I miss the good times with him so much x There's your answer, you didn't even need all that advice. There are surely more good times to be had, and for you they might be worth the inevitable pain of the next part of the cycle. I'm sure you're happier right now than you've been in a minute just because he's in contact. Even if you just message back and forth and say beautiful things together, it's better than nothing, right? When he leaves or blocks you again you can still think of the good times. Have you thought about recording them so they can be more permanent? Like a voice or video recording? For when you're blocked or can't reach him because he's changed his number? If this sounds silly to you it's because it is. But it's totally in line with how your thought processes are going. I just wondered if it might sink in to you differently if we all sounded as unreasonable as you. And I'm serious. I just had the idea that if you saw your thinking reflected back to you like a mirror it would seem strange to you? Because you're getting a lot of reasonable sound advice that makes sense given the known elements of the situation, and yet it just is totally disregarded by you. This isn't a criticism. It's an observation, and I really am wondering if you have just normalized insanity for yourself- because it's coming out of you but only sane stuff is coming back. I dunno, maybe it will help you. If not, I'm sure your addiction isn't fatal yet and only harms you. It's your life, no one can tell you what to do, but since you asked it's a good opportunity to come at it from a lot of angles I guess. Again, best to you and hope whatever you choose takes you in the direction you need to go! Sherry - I think you are absolutely spot on with everything you have said. But Helsbells is clearly not ready for the change. A tough love approach only works when someone is ready to make the change. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 21:31:29 GMT
There's your answer, you didn't even need all that advice. There are surely more good times to be had, and for you they might be worth the inevitable pain of the next part of the cycle. I'm sure you're happier right now than you've been in a minute just because he's in contact. Even if you just message back and forth and say beautiful things together, it's better than nothing, right? When he leaves or blocks you again you can still think of the good times. Have you thought about recording them so they can be more permanent? Like a voice or video recording? For when you're blocked or can't reach him because he's changed his number? If this sounds silly to you it's because it is. But it's totally in line with how your thought processes are going. I just wondered if it might sink in to you differently if we all sounded as unreasonable as you. And I'm serious. I just had the idea that if you saw your thinking reflected back to you like a mirror it would seem strange to you? Because you're getting a lot of reasonable sound advice that makes sense given the known elements of the situation, and yet it just is totally disregarded by you. This isn't a criticism. It's an observation, and I really am wondering if you have just normalized insanity for yourself- because it's coming out of you but only sane stuff is coming back. I dunno, maybe it will help you. If not, I'm sure your addiction isn't fatal yet and only harms you. It's your life, no one can tell you what to do, but since you asked it's a good opportunity to come at it from a lot of angles I guess. Again, best to you and hope whatever you choose takes you in the direction you need to go! Sherry - I think you are absolutely spot on with everything you have said. But Helsbells is clearly not ready for the change. A tough love approach only works when someone is ready to make the change. It's not tough love really, I would consider it so if she was my daughter or sister or something. I'm not invested in if she makes a change or not, I don't have a strong agenda, just engaging the dialog. You could also quote everyone else and mention that what they say is spot on , but compassion and good advice only works when someone is ready. So just let it be, I agree with what I've said too. I agree with what everyone else says also! She will do what she needs to do at this point, and we all can just contribute what we have to add. Maybe I misunderstand the reason for your comment to me tho. I'm taking it as kind of a correction but maybe you didn't mean it that way. I hope you don't think I have an investment in what she does and therefore have infused my comments with some sort of passion or expectation. It's all just a conversation and you never know, maybe something will stand out to her that makes a difference. Totally up to her! |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 21:36:40 GMT
Sherry - I think you are absolutely spot on with everything you have said. But Helsbells is clearly not ready for the change. A tough love approach only works when someone is ready to make the change. It's not tough love really, I would consider it so if she was my daughter or sister or something. I'm not invested in if she makes a change or not, I don't have a strong agenda, just engaging the dialog. You could also quote everyone else and mention that what they say is spot on , but compassion and good advice only works when someone is ready. So just let it be, I agree with what I've said too. I agree with what everyone else says also! She will do what she needs to do at this point, and we all can just contribute what we have to add. Maybe I misunderstand the reason for your comment to me tho. I'm taking it as kind of a correction but maybe you didn't mean it that way. I hope you don't think I have an investment in what she does and therefore have infused my comments with some sort of passion or expectation. It's all just a conversation and you never know, maybe something will stand out to her that makes a difference. Totally up to her! My comment comes from a good place the same as I know yours does too. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 21:41:11 GMT
By the way, Any participation of mine is with an intent to be helpful, it can be taken or left as anyone chooses. You never know what can be helpful, and it's all free advice. We won't all have the same thing to say, and it doesn't seem that anyone is without compassion here (why even do this? ) so It seems like a variety of voices will be heard without needing to block one out. Unless of course there is a moderator that deems something inappropriate, and in that case some sort of intervention could be had. I didn't see a policy that forbids comments like what I've shared here but I may have just missed it. ?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 21:41:50 GMT
Sounds good @thatright, thank you!  |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 21:44:11 GMT
By the way, Any participation of mine is with an intent to be helpful, it can be taken or left as anyone chooses. You never know what can be helpful, and it's all free advice. We won't all have the same thing to say, and it doesn't seem that anyone is without compassion here (why even do this? ) so It seems like a variety of voices will be heard without needing to block one out. Unless of course there is a moderator that deems something inappropriate, and in that case some sort of intervention could be had. I didn't see a policy that forbids comments like what I've shared here but I may have just missed it. ? Absolutely! It's good to have this forum to share and learn from each other. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 22:02:25 GMT
The truth be told I'm stuck in some fantasy thinking, I cant even picture his face clearly after all this time. I'm stuck in the trauma bond. It would be so good if you could get some mental health support for this. Trauma bonding is really powerful, it's good that you're recognizing this. I was at a complete loss at times in my life and fell on my face begging God to help me also- the answer was actually in the form of a good counselor and some trauma intervention. Again; it's your move. Choose well, and don't forget that you alone have the power here. I'm sad to see you stuck there but I also know we are all powerless to do anything for you. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2019 22:22:27 GMT
@sherry , thank you again so much. I do take on what you have taken the time to write to me, and I am making baby step improvements. The only therapy that is on offer to me in the UK that I can afford is person centred and cbt. I have tried both of them and never got a thing from it. I'm leaning on the forum and you guys and believe it or not regarding what I write it is all helping me and is going in. I would have acted out so much worse by now if I was the old me. The women he took up with last time we split has all of a sudden started to like if photos on Instagram. This tells me he might be back in contact with her, I haven't reacted I've let it go, so it is showing I am heading to a more secure place,just not there yet. I really wanted to know how to handle a possible friendship,well I think you answered that for me @sherry xx You're welcome! And really, it's super disgusting, in my opinion, the game he runs on you, so bravo for holding back and letting this play out a little more without falling for it right away. I have learned there is real darkness in the world. I've tended to give toxic partners the benefit of the doubt and they knew it. There are attachment issues, there are also mental illnesses, personality disorders, and cruel people. I wouldn't say that everyone is innocent- or just ignorant, or just wounded. I used to think so but I've come out of the fog and know that sometimes there really is dangerous and dark intent and it's not up to me to analyze what's going on in them. How can I ever really know anyway, I'm not God. I'm not a psychologist. I'm just a woman who didn't used to be able to protect myself and now I can. First I had to recognize the need to protect myself, then develop the capacity. Doesn't matter what someone intends. What matters, is the effect on me. I can't control someone's intention, I can't figure it out. But I can totally control how or if it impacts me, in situations where I have a choice!! (Like relationships! ) |
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Post by amsel on Jun 13, 2019 4:35:21 GMT
Oh boy. I have been there. Still am on the fringes but almost out of this emotional purgatory.
The thing is, you know he is going to come back again. You know. You know this person has real feelings for you but for every moment you get closer he can’t handle it. He just can’t. There is a lot of good times and potential that lives on. But he can’t handle a real relationship. The coming and going needs to stop. More than two times is too many. I’m so sorry. I know you probably saw a future and felt the connection and it doesn’t not make it real. But he can’t be a good partner right now. It sucks. The only way you should ever reconsider getting back with him would be if he was in therapy and generally seems willing to step up and stop hurting himself and you and literally any other woman he has tried to date.
If I were you I would take a full Instagram hiatus. Try it for a week and see how you feel. It’s super easy to do. You disable from the website not the app and it lasts until you relog in again. BUT once you relog in you have to wait a few days to disable it again. Than after you disable it you delete the Instagram app off your phone for a week. This way you are not stalking him or anyone associated with him, no one can find you, you are no longer tempted to engage on that platform. It’s baby steps but I’ve done it and it helps. Know you did everything you could. Yes, you are FA/AP and at this point in time highly emotional. So many triggers. It sucks the obsessive thoughts and rumination... the desire and the betrayal. It really is a loss. Feel it for a while and know it’s ok. I would just go for long walks in the woods and just bawl in a quiet, peaceful place. Intermittent reinforcement is so crazy addictive. He doesn’t mean to hurt you it’s just his own confusion, aversion, low self esteem... you name it.
After a couple months you might still pine for him but your mind will be more clear. You will start to realize and see the situation from a distance and know how unhealthy this relationship is. Pure dysfunction. It will be ok no matter how down you feel today. The circling is the worst and made me live off hope for too long. Getting off the rollercoaster was the best thing. Still so hard. I will never forget how he would look at me. And I will never be able to understand how someone could change so quickly. Empathy for him and true love for yourself. Feel free to PM me anytime.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2019 11:40:54 GMT
HelsbellsI agree that he is beyond FA, and that he is cruel and emotionally abusive. Take his comments at face value. He says them right out loud to you and watches you pander to him, he uses you, and he cruelly abandons you. Whatever is going on in him, he finds relief in causing you to suffer so he doesn't have to. And for what? What are you getting out of this? Confirmation that you deserve it? Or it's the best you can do? Not so. Get mad and be done with this cruel loser. This is an article from BR that doesn't apply to garden variety FA- But it does to him. You should be pissed but use the anger to empower you and keep posting. We have all been there somehow. You can make it to the other side. www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/heres-why-i-keep-coming-back/
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2019 11:57:33 GMT
I strongly agree and emphasize with you helbells.
My ex to him it was everyone else's fault. He would never take responsibility for his actions.
The way he spoke about his exes when we first got involved. Everything was their fault.
Oh my ex got too clingy. Oh my other ex wanted to go out all the time. All my exes ended it with me. I remember the look on his face when he talked about each one. He said it with bitterness and resentment.
His last gf whom was his friend of 5 years dated him for 8 months. She ended the relationship and decided it was best to remain as friends.
One day they began texting. Then one day he realised she stopped texting. He later found out she had unfriended him on Facebook and ignored all his messages.
She had cut contact from him.
He always said he didn't know why.
Now I have experienced it. I fully understand all his exes reasons.
He also asked me does it feel horrible loving him? To this day, I never fully understood why and what he meant by that?
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But it's totally in line with how your thought processes are going. I just wondered if it might sink in to you differently if we all sounded as unreasonable as you. And I'm serious. I just had the idea that if you saw your thinking reflected back to you like a mirror it would seem strange to you? Because you're getting a lot of reasonable sound advice that makes sense given the known elements of the situation, and yet it just is totally disregarded by you. This isn't a criticism. It's an observation, and I really am wondering if you have just normalized insanity for yourself- because it's coming out of you but only sane stuff is coming back. 
