Post by andy on Jun 18, 2019 6:49:06 GMT
Hi all, it's been a while! Good to see some of you again and read some very insightful new-ish posters who weren't here when I was last around.
My situation hasn't changed that much. The short version for those who don't know: I was in an AP-DA dating situation that lasted less than six months and ended almost three years ago. Since that time, I've entered into and maintained an amazingly reciprocal friendship with the DA ex who broke up with me and who, truthfully, I'm not fully over (still!). I would not say that my unresolved feelings are making me unhappy or dominating my everyday life, but now and again I get unreasonably excited or disappointed over little things. Like if she is the one to initiate hanging out twice in a row, I'm still totally keeping track AP-style and totally feel inordinately happy about it and assume it's meaningful in some way (part of me does, anyway). Or if she declines an invitation, I feel so disappointed for an hour or two, definitely way more than I would feel with a regular friend. And I overthink and worry a bit about getting my communications just right - not too intense, but warm, and oh did she think it was weird, etc.
I recognize that I'm far better off in the friendship now than I was in the dating situation then, when I was constantly riding the highs and lows of her inconsistent behaviour. My hour or two of disappointment is nothing compared to the deep, deep pits of hurt and confusion and self-blame I would fall into back then. So, it's progress in a way, but in another way it's also stuckness.
One thing that is kind of messing with me emotionally is the gradual but unmistakable progression of intimacy in our friendship. On a recent occasion when we hung out, she cried and disclosed that she'd been going through a really hard time. And she said it was okay for me to check in and actually expressed appreciation that I would think of checking to see how she was doing. I could not believe it - this was totally opposite from the way I knew her to be back when we were dating. I was obviously very concerned about her. And on one level I was also really moved to realize that she trusted me enough to express this and accept a small kind of support from me.
The problem is I'm kind of letting this feed into some AP narrative about steadfastness (i.e. stubbornly never moving on) being rewarded, and maybe there's a little rescuer complex in there too, like if I can just be consistent and caring enough and respect the parameters of friendship she has said she's comfortable with, she may be able to feel safe getting closer. And of course thinking this way is a total violation of those very parameters, but then again, maybe I can't be TOO hard on myself for things I think and feel without acting on, especially when I have self-awareness around them...
Can any APs relate to finding something kind of romantic and perversely enjoyable in the unspoken, long-term fantasy that someone may return your feelings, at least on some level? This idea that you are never going to talk about it, never going to prove it or disprove it, so you can just enjoy the drama and emotional energy it adds to your life, and write a poem now and again about it, and maybe it's not that harmful.
Or maybe it is harmful. She and I dated in the context of consensual non-monogamy, and I have another partner I've been with for six years but have never lived with, although he would like to. We are deliberately spending a little more time together and talking about moving in, and I think are in a phase of increasing intimacy now, but for sure I've been the more aloof and DA-like one in that relationship from the beginning. So maybe my ex is kind of keeping me from giving my heart to my partner all the way because she represents this passionate sparky feeling that I want to feel and have not felt with him, though I have felt love and warmth and absolutely adore and treasure him. So maybe there is harm in keeping the flame going if it has a phantom ex function? I'm not sure whether it does, honestly.
I already know I'm not willing to break off the friendship or stop reciprocating her invitations to hang out, and it's not like I need to do that for my own well-being. The friendship has a net positive impact for me, definitely, and I'm very grateful for the connection. Some people on the boards earlier were advising me to have a frank conversation with her about all this, and others were saying not to, but I very much doubt that I would have the guts to do that. Anyway, I feel like it would be on her to initiate that conversation if she wanted to (she was the breaker-upper, and shortly after the break-up I made it clear I was open to that type of conversation). So I have a feeling I'm just going to keep going as I am and hope (well, kinda hope?) that I eventually lose interest when I get really into someone else.
But if anyone has insights about how to minimize the mini AP feelings and/or work on myself at the same time as I keep up the friendship, I'm all ears. Or thoughts about the situation generally. Thanks, everyone.
My situation hasn't changed that much. The short version for those who don't know: I was in an AP-DA dating situation that lasted less than six months and ended almost three years ago. Since that time, I've entered into and maintained an amazingly reciprocal friendship with the DA ex who broke up with me and who, truthfully, I'm not fully over (still!). I would not say that my unresolved feelings are making me unhappy or dominating my everyday life, but now and again I get unreasonably excited or disappointed over little things. Like if she is the one to initiate hanging out twice in a row, I'm still totally keeping track AP-style and totally feel inordinately happy about it and assume it's meaningful in some way (part of me does, anyway). Or if she declines an invitation, I feel so disappointed for an hour or two, definitely way more than I would feel with a regular friend. And I overthink and worry a bit about getting my communications just right - not too intense, but warm, and oh did she think it was weird, etc.
I recognize that I'm far better off in the friendship now than I was in the dating situation then, when I was constantly riding the highs and lows of her inconsistent behaviour. My hour or two of disappointment is nothing compared to the deep, deep pits of hurt and confusion and self-blame I would fall into back then. So, it's progress in a way, but in another way it's also stuckness.
One thing that is kind of messing with me emotionally is the gradual but unmistakable progression of intimacy in our friendship. On a recent occasion when we hung out, she cried and disclosed that she'd been going through a really hard time. And she said it was okay for me to check in and actually expressed appreciation that I would think of checking to see how she was doing. I could not believe it - this was totally opposite from the way I knew her to be back when we were dating. I was obviously very concerned about her. And on one level I was also really moved to realize that she trusted me enough to express this and accept a small kind of support from me.
The problem is I'm kind of letting this feed into some AP narrative about steadfastness (i.e. stubbornly never moving on) being rewarded, and maybe there's a little rescuer complex in there too, like if I can just be consistent and caring enough and respect the parameters of friendship she has said she's comfortable with, she may be able to feel safe getting closer. And of course thinking this way is a total violation of those very parameters, but then again, maybe I can't be TOO hard on myself for things I think and feel without acting on, especially when I have self-awareness around them...
Can any APs relate to finding something kind of romantic and perversely enjoyable in the unspoken, long-term fantasy that someone may return your feelings, at least on some level? This idea that you are never going to talk about it, never going to prove it or disprove it, so you can just enjoy the drama and emotional energy it adds to your life, and write a poem now and again about it, and maybe it's not that harmful.
Or maybe it is harmful. She and I dated in the context of consensual non-monogamy, and I have another partner I've been with for six years but have never lived with, although he would like to. We are deliberately spending a little more time together and talking about moving in, and I think are in a phase of increasing intimacy now, but for sure I've been the more aloof and DA-like one in that relationship from the beginning. So maybe my ex is kind of keeping me from giving my heart to my partner all the way because she represents this passionate sparky feeling that I want to feel and have not felt with him, though I have felt love and warmth and absolutely adore and treasure him. So maybe there is harm in keeping the flame going if it has a phantom ex function? I'm not sure whether it does, honestly.
I already know I'm not willing to break off the friendship or stop reciprocating her invitations to hang out, and it's not like I need to do that for my own well-being. The friendship has a net positive impact for me, definitely, and I'm very grateful for the connection. Some people on the boards earlier were advising me to have a frank conversation with her about all this, and others were saying not to, but I very much doubt that I would have the guts to do that. Anyway, I feel like it would be on her to initiate that conversation if she wanted to (she was the breaker-upper, and shortly after the break-up I made it clear I was open to that type of conversation). So I have a feeling I'm just going to keep going as I am and hope (well, kinda hope?) that I eventually lose interest when I get really into someone else.
But if anyone has insights about how to minimize the mini AP feelings and/or work on myself at the same time as I keep up the friendship, I'm all ears. Or thoughts about the situation generally. Thanks, everyone.
