Post by strawberryshortcake on Jun 29, 2019 8:01:58 GMT
How would a secure deal with this? 10 years together. 2 kids both under 4. DA husband and I’m an AP.
Relationship seems to go in cycles of him ignoring me and eventually leaving. When I was pregnant with my second child he left me and moved out for three months. He says it was a breakdown. I was really struggling with looking after a confused toddler and severe morning sickness. He came back but only so he could see the baby be born I think. He remained distant for the next 18 months until I found out he was heavily abusing drugs, alcohol and porn. I immediately asked him to leave and he agreed to go into rehab. He was there for 4 weeks and is now sober.
I asked to see bank statements (all spending had been from his personal account for which I had no access) so I could see the extent of the spend (which he said was tens of thousands) and also to make sure it was “just” the drugs whereas I was concerned about sex workers too because his best friend uses them and in the past he lied about using paid web cam services. He refused to show me the statements saying that I didn’t need to see them and this went on for over 6 weeks. We had counselling where he agreed to show me but then when we left the session he still wouldn’t. This just made me feel he definitely had something to hide. He said he would show me “once he was better” but didn’t say when that would be and wanted my support in the mean time. I said I was unable to give him that support until I knew the extent and saw the statements. Eventually he showed me on his phone very briefly so I was only able to see the gist - couldn’t tot up amounts or see who money went to, but got a basic understanding and it was clear that was the best I was going to get so I moved on and said I would support him.
Anyway since leaving rehab he has refused to come home. Says he has no feelings or emotions. And says he’s angry with me for not being more supportive of when he left me the first time (while I was pregnant and almost hospitalised) and the second time when he was in rehab because I kept asking for bank statements before I would support him.
I have explained that I wasn’t able to support him during the breakdown as I was struggling to care for myself and my child - plus I’m not sure what support he wanted. He left and wanted no contact so I think it’s more he wanted me to not be annoyed about it.
Regarding the support while at rehab, I said I would have been there for him throughout but after such a massive betrayal of trust I asked for one thing from
him, and he wouldn’t do it. If he had wanted my support he equally could have just shown me the bank statements from day one and I would have been there for him. But instead he dragged it out for 6 weeks for apparently no reason.
Now he’s left on this occasion he says he doesn’t want a divorce but wants to be separated. That he holds a lot of resentment towards me for “letting him down” and that basically he needs his space.
In the mean time I’m at home looking after two kids 24/7 doing all the chores associated with that, helping with the business and not sleeping for months (our youngest wakes 2-3 times each night). He seems to think visiting the kids for 2 hours, 2 evenings a week and for 8 hours on one weekend day is doing his fair share and to be honest I feel like I’ve had enough of him.
I went to see a psychiatrist as he had me convinced I was behaving badly and I was worried I had a personality disorder. Turns out I don’t, but I did get Sertraline from him. He said it would help me leave if I wanted to leave and it’s definitely reduced my anxiety around him. I now feel like I can’t really understand why I am accepting this treatment from him over and over again.
So I wanted opinions from Secures:
Was it AP of me to ask to see bank statements or normal considering the level of deceit and circumstances?
How would a secure behave now? Would they leave him to live alone and stay married and let him just swan in and out of the kids lives for his few hours a week? Or would a secure just call it a day now and move to divorce?
I basically left it with him that I’ve had enough of this behaviour now. That he doesn’t take any responsibility for the care of his children or home or pets and that I’m done with providing him with any support and I want no further contact and that we are actually separated now. I feel like I’ve forgiven where others wouldn’t and apparently it’s still me in the wrong and I feel a secure would walk away. But I wanted to check what others thought?
It’s going to be impossible to have no contact entirely due to the children but I definitely intend to minimise contact and move on with my life focusing on myself and my kids now, rather than him, and accepting that it’s frustrating he doesn’t contribute but that’s who he is and it’s not about to change any time soon so I just need to move on and accept these are his problems and with time, move towards divorce.
Is this a secure way to respond?
Relationship seems to go in cycles of him ignoring me and eventually leaving. When I was pregnant with my second child he left me and moved out for three months. He says it was a breakdown. I was really struggling with looking after a confused toddler and severe morning sickness. He came back but only so he could see the baby be born I think. He remained distant for the next 18 months until I found out he was heavily abusing drugs, alcohol and porn. I immediately asked him to leave and he agreed to go into rehab. He was there for 4 weeks and is now sober.
I asked to see bank statements (all spending had been from his personal account for which I had no access) so I could see the extent of the spend (which he said was tens of thousands) and also to make sure it was “just” the drugs whereas I was concerned about sex workers too because his best friend uses them and in the past he lied about using paid web cam services. He refused to show me the statements saying that I didn’t need to see them and this went on for over 6 weeks. We had counselling where he agreed to show me but then when we left the session he still wouldn’t. This just made me feel he definitely had something to hide. He said he would show me “once he was better” but didn’t say when that would be and wanted my support in the mean time. I said I was unable to give him that support until I knew the extent and saw the statements. Eventually he showed me on his phone very briefly so I was only able to see the gist - couldn’t tot up amounts or see who money went to, but got a basic understanding and it was clear that was the best I was going to get so I moved on and said I would support him.
Anyway since leaving rehab he has refused to come home. Says he has no feelings or emotions. And says he’s angry with me for not being more supportive of when he left me the first time (while I was pregnant and almost hospitalised) and the second time when he was in rehab because I kept asking for bank statements before I would support him.
I have explained that I wasn’t able to support him during the breakdown as I was struggling to care for myself and my child - plus I’m not sure what support he wanted. He left and wanted no contact so I think it’s more he wanted me to not be annoyed about it.
Regarding the support while at rehab, I said I would have been there for him throughout but after such a massive betrayal of trust I asked for one thing from
him, and he wouldn’t do it. If he had wanted my support he equally could have just shown me the bank statements from day one and I would have been there for him. But instead he dragged it out for 6 weeks for apparently no reason.
Now he’s left on this occasion he says he doesn’t want a divorce but wants to be separated. That he holds a lot of resentment towards me for “letting him down” and that basically he needs his space.
In the mean time I’m at home looking after two kids 24/7 doing all the chores associated with that, helping with the business and not sleeping for months (our youngest wakes 2-3 times each night). He seems to think visiting the kids for 2 hours, 2 evenings a week and for 8 hours on one weekend day is doing his fair share and to be honest I feel like I’ve had enough of him.
I went to see a psychiatrist as he had me convinced I was behaving badly and I was worried I had a personality disorder. Turns out I don’t, but I did get Sertraline from him. He said it would help me leave if I wanted to leave and it’s definitely reduced my anxiety around him. I now feel like I can’t really understand why I am accepting this treatment from him over and over again.
So I wanted opinions from Secures:
Was it AP of me to ask to see bank statements or normal considering the level of deceit and circumstances?
How would a secure behave now? Would they leave him to live alone and stay married and let him just swan in and out of the kids lives for his few hours a week? Or would a secure just call it a day now and move to divorce?
I basically left it with him that I’ve had enough of this behaviour now. That he doesn’t take any responsibility for the care of his children or home or pets and that I’m done with providing him with any support and I want no further contact and that we are actually separated now. I feel like I’ve forgiven where others wouldn’t and apparently it’s still me in the wrong and I feel a secure would walk away. But I wanted to check what others thought?
It’s going to be impossible to have no contact entirely due to the children but I definitely intend to minimise contact and move on with my life focusing on myself and my kids now, rather than him, and accepting that it’s frustrating he doesn’t contribute but that’s who he is and it’s not about to change any time soon so I just need to move on and accept these are his problems and with time, move towards divorce.
Is this a secure way to respond?
