I was wondering if any other APs had experienced a similar thing.
I've been through some pretty awful breakups in the past and had relationships with quite unpleasant men but I always seem to understand (or at least believe I understand) why they do what they do. For example, my recent ex cheated on me but I already feel I've 'found forgiveness' because of what I know about his attachment. My friends are angry at him and but I can't seem to muster up any anger towards him.
A previous ex was very controlling of me, to an abusive degree, and he reached out the other day (after 5 years) to apologise and I just thought, it's fine! Don't worry! I understand your own trauma.
I've been seeing a counsellor and a lot has come up about my mother - I lived in constant fear of her being sad or upset as a young child because of her mental health problems, so I think this might be the root of it.
This worries me though in a number of ways, one it makes me run the risk of being taken advantage of and I have a hard time knowing what's reasonable and what isn't. Secondly, I'm scared (sometimes hopeful) he'll come back and I won't be able to turn him away, and finally because I've heard anger is a big part of moving forward in the grieving process and I fear I'll never reach that stage.
hannah99, this can be pretty standard for someone AP. I personally don't like being angry and feel it's an unproductive use of my energy. But for a long time that manifested in discomfort with anger resulting in skipping it and being sad instead, and in a way redirecting anger towards myself. I was always so understanding of where everyone else was coming from that maybe it was easier to process if I just sucked it back inward and made it about me, though I never expected anyone else to do the same. Do you relate to that at all? Maybe it's worthwhile to think about your relationship with anger and why you may stuff it down (ie you felt you had to with your mom because you felt uncomfortable being angry with someone when whatever she was doing was actually not within her control? Which doesn't make your feelings invalid, by the way, but maybe you started to believe they were, hence the pattern started).
Now if I'm angry I'll feel it instead of chastising myself and know it will pass within a day or two usually, so I'm more comfortable with just waiting it out without self-judgement.
What did He say, do, dident do, dident say ? Be concrete Examble: I am angry at You That You never answared when I asked You about xxxx I am angry at You about All the times You just left the room when I was talkning to you I am angry at You That You critised my looks I am angry at You All the times That You asked me why do You do This and That... Ect. How does IT feel in your Body ex. In your Heart pondering, your stomac, your throath ect. Stay with the sensations.
2) Then allow your Body to do what the body wants You to do.(kick, push, spit, shake ect.)
Say: "I am so angry at You That I just want to shake You..." Do the movement in slowmotion. Or hit him in slowmotion. How does IT feel in your Body now? Is there a Shift in your Body/in your breathing ? Then You Will Get back into Power. Its a process You can use as a detox 5-10 minutters every Day for 30 Days. This connects to your unconcious. Be precise, koncrete, Be carefull That You do not talk as a victim.
If This exercise build Up your anger after a Couple Of Days, then look at your sentences and change Them.
IT is just about getting started..... Before getting started You can say to the sadness, That IT is okay, sadness You are allowed to Be here right now That You are here...ect. Okay worry You are also allowed to Be here right Now Just allow what ever feeling That is coming up.
This exercise Will Get your nerveussystem to land and release some of your lifeenergy. Anger is just natural, when we do not Get our needs met or we do not Get out boundaries respected.
You have good friends who maybe can help You. Or the therapist. She has to ask: do You think one of your Friend would Be angry if they were You ?
IT is not about rage, hitting pillows, screaming ect. This Will only build Up more anger, and IT is not about building Up anger But about Get IT transformed into lifeenergy.
IT can Be like poison if You are angry at yourself and IT can drain your lifeenergy. Every time You are getting angry at yourself do the above exercise instead
You can also think about what have happend earlier in You life, that made You allow being treated This way. What is your own history...
But I barely feel anger. If I do it's fleeting. My rational self knows I should be angry with him but I just feel worried for him.
Yes. This doesn't mean the anger isn't there. Maybe it isn't, but it also may be very stuffed down at a level you're not conscious of it, from conditioning yourself not to feel it when you were younger. Either way is very possible and worth exploring with your therapist.
This may also be tied to your view of self. If you don't value yourself highly, you may feel on some level that your feelings don't matter enough compared to others, and you're not important enough to ever deserve to be angry.
I have thought it might be to do with my self esteem. I'm quite a confident person on the surface of things but I think something that has made me struggle with breakups is not caring about myself to exist alone..