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Post by isildur4797 on Jul 2, 2019 23:26:19 GMT
This girl and I knew each other for the past 2-3 years and got close at the end of our senior spring semester, started hooking up too. She mentioned having issues which feelings due to a past guy (who she’d never dated and doesn’t talk to). She mentioned having issues with feelings due to a past guy (who she’d never dated and doesn’t talk to) who she wasn’t over. So I agreed to give it time and be casual. Anyways I eventually realized she was avoidant, and I have been working on adjusting to that since I’m an anxious person. We'd been talking since our graduation, a LOT at first, then a lot less, and a little more again in the last week and a half, but we haven't seen each other since graduation.
We were going to spend the night together later this week on the fourth. Few nights ago talking on the phone I mentioned how she was the person I was hooking up with and she started feeling wierd after that. Told me last night that she decided she was not into me because of that guy from 2 years ago, and that it had been part of ruining every relationship since. That she realized two nights ago, and that it "hit her like a brick".
Anyways I took it very very well and actually talked about other stuff too. Still supposed to be hanging there that night and hoping it won’t be awkward. Based on past experiences, while I don’t expect anything to happen that night, i wouldn’t be shocked. I’ve had situations before we’re we hung out and she was surprised by how much fun she had or how into what we were doing she was and so on. Like very surprised.
On some level I’m hoping something would happen in the future - I really liked this girl - but I’m moving on and it should be a lot easier this time around than it has been in the past.
What does everyone thing about her pulling away, the ex she still likes, and the possibility things changing? Honestly curious...
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Post by alexandra on Jul 3, 2019 4:43:35 GMT
isildur4797, probably not what you want to hear, but this is a very typical AP/FA situation. If she has told you that she has been ruining (ie sabotaging) relationships for the last 2 years over a Phantom Not-Even-Ex (he was an unavailable fantasy crush she couldn't have!), it's a very established pattern that is neither about you nor going to change with you. Having a phantom ex is a defense mechanism to stay distant from more available partners (similar to the concept of waiting for "the one" who everything will be easy and perfect with). If she is truly avoidant, it's most likely the case that anyone who comes off as consistently available is not going to trigger her nervous system in the way she interprets as love, and that will continue to be the case unless she's in enough pain to be motivated to do her own attachment healing work. You can't help her get there, especially not if you have your own attachment issues to overcome. And trying to be less available is not the way to go either: it may attract her back temporarily, but you'll just end up in an anxiety-filled loop that will be very painful unless both of you address your own independent issues. Which basically brings us back to where you already are right now. I agree that moving on and focusing on yourself, and NEVER expecting this to change (even if it does, it will be years down the road), is your best bet.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 3, 2019 12:25:35 GMT
Alexandra has said it best...the other thing is...do you want to be in a relationship where you cannot be truly “you”? Where you have to pretend to be cool with casual and watch your words for fear that they will be misinterpreted without any opportunity to discuss them? Honestly, it sounds to me like she triggered some deep platters and feelings within you and I would suggest using this time as an opportunity to dig into that versus trying to figure her out (easier said then done...but very well worth it).
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 3, 2019 13:48:31 GMT
i just wanted to add you can view my posts and see how painful this has been. my x also has a phantom x and he feels he is cheating on her and anything physical makes him feel bad about himself, we only cuddled and had had some moments where he was all over me and the kissing and chemistry were what we both enjoyed. he decided over nite to just axe me. i lost his support and his friendship and held out hope for month gave him space and now he has new issues he's dealing with so we are done for good
when i i first read your post my gut instinct was to say to run and never ever look back, but i know that's not easy as i'm struggling with that as well. you can't change her or make her see that she's using the x to self sabotage and keep people away. they know they have these issues but they just won't do the work it's just easier to avoid it . without her working on her issues i'm sorry but this will only be very painful for you. the chemistry and the fun and the hooking up just isn't worth it in the end.
work on yourself, put the focus on yourself that's all we can do
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Post by isildur4797 on Jul 3, 2019 15:23:45 GMT
Alexandra has said it best...the other thing is...do you want to be in a relationship where you cannot be truly “you”? Where you have to pretend to be cool with casual and watch your words for fear that they will be misinterpreted without any opportunity to discuss them? Honestly, it sounds to me like she triggered some deep platters and feelings within you and I would suggest using this time as an opportunity to dig into that versus trying to figure her out (easier said then done...but very well worth it). I mean, if I'm being honest, in the past I have always had to pretend to be more into other people than I am, and deal with ambivalence. This is the first person who has ever been less into me, than the other way around. And honestly, handling the ambivalence (and the extreme feelings of anxiety and guilt it gives me) is in some ways a lot harder than this has been. I actually made a conscious decision to always be the chaser after a month of this. Also, as long as I'm being communicated with, I've realized I'm mostly fine with whatever happens. I actually empathize with a lot of what she's described as thing's she's done, or thing's she's doing. I mean she literally expected me to be shouting at her and my response was more like, that's ok I've done this too and handled it worse. |
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Post by isildur4797 on Jul 3, 2019 15:25:43 GMT
i just wanted to add you can view my posts and see how painful this has been. my x also has a phantom x and he feels he is cheating on her and anything physical makes him feel bad about himself, we only cuddled and had had some moments where he was all over me and the kissing and chemistry were what we both enjoyed. he decided over nite to just axe me. i lost his support and his friendship and held out hope for month gave him space and now he has new issues he's dealing with so we are done for good when i i first read your post my gut instinct was to say to run and never ever look back, but i know that's not easy as i'm struggling with that as well. you can't change her or make her see that she's using the x to self sabotage and keep people away. they know they have these issues but they just won't do the work it's just easier to avoid it . without her working on her issues i'm sorry but this will only be very painful for you. the chemistry and the fun and the hooking up just isn't worth it in the end. work on yourself, put the focus on yourself that's all we can do I mean, I will say, I had originally decided when this push-pull started that I'd give it until mid-September (I'm leaving on a month-long trip) and assess if I had any desire to stay in this at all. If things started up again, that would not change and I'd make it clear I wouldn't deal with this again. You're saying this does give me a lot of hesitation - I'd honestly be inclined to probably not go for it... |
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 3, 2019 16:36:58 GMT
isildur4797 I think taking a month away will really help you and give you perspective that you need with this situation. What I have learned from my research and reading posts on this site...is that a securely attached person will leave at the first sign of inconsistency... no matter what , no matter the pain of cutting that bond with the person. It seems to be the common theme with those that ate AP that we keep hoping they will change or hoping they will go back to the person they were when we met... or we are hooked on how alive we feel with them. I felt so happy with my x , the energy we had when we were together was really nice as well... but like your situation he just couldnt do a relationship. heck he cant even do a friendship. I didnt even want a relationship at all. The push pull and the ups and downs..the ignoring us etc its all inconsistent and not healthy and we just cant save them. Securely attached people would walk away from all of this. they would state their needs and if the other person didnt change they would then leave. I feel the hope in your posts and Im right there with you.. but sadly they cant give us what we need. we have to work on ourselves now and work on becoming earned secure... that is the only way to heal and get away from all of this for us. keep posting here and reading.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 3, 2019 17:05:16 GMT
Alexandra has said it best...the other thing is...do you want to be in a relationship where you cannot be truly “you”? Where you have to pretend to be cool with casual and watch your words for fear that they will be misinterpreted without any opportunity to discuss them? Honestly, it sounds to me like she triggered some deep platters and feelings within you and I would suggest using this time as an opportunity to dig into that versus trying to figure her out (easier said then done...but very well worth it). I mean, if I'm being honest, in the past I have always had to pretend to be more into other people than I am, and deal with ambivalence. This is the first person who has ever been less into me, than the other way around. And honestly, handling the ambivalence (and the extreme feelings of anxiety and guilt it gives me) is in some ways a lot harder than this has been. I actually made a conscious decision to always be the chaser after a month of this. Also, as long as I'm being communicated with, I've realized I'm mostly fine with whatever happens. I actually empathize with a lot of what she's described as thing's she's done, or thing's she's doing. I mean she literally expected me to be shouting at her and my response was more like, that's ok I've done this too and handled it worse. Perhaps you aren’t AP then....perhaps you are more FA and she is FA and she just happened to be more on the DA side of things then you are...thus triggering a more APlike response. I suspect that if she were more available all the time...you would lose interest. |
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Post by isildur4797 on Jul 3, 2019 19:16:13 GMT
I mean, if I'm being honest, in the past I have always had to pretend to be more into other people than I am, and deal with ambivalence. This is the first person who has ever been less into me, than the other way around. And honestly, handling the ambivalence (and the extreme feelings of anxiety and guilt it gives me) is in some ways a lot harder than this has been. I actually made a conscious decision to always be the chaser after a month of this. Also, as long as I'm being communicated with, I've realized I'm mostly fine with whatever happens. I actually empathize with a lot of what she's described as thing's she's done, or thing's she's doing. I mean she literally expected me to be shouting at her and my response was more like, that's ok I've done this too and handled it worse. Perhaps you aren’t AP then....perhaps you are more FA and she is FA and she just happened to be more on the DA side of things then you are...thus triggering a more APlike response. I suspect that if she were more available all the time...you would lose interest. I actually really, really think that makes sense. Like a lot. It would explain a lot of past dating scenarios... |
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Post by isildur4797 on Jul 3, 2019 19:17:46 GMT
isildur4797 I think taking a month away will really help you and give you perspective that you need with this situation. What I have learned from my research and reading posts on this site...is that a securely attached person will leave at the first sign of inconsistency... no matter what , no matter the pain of cutting that bond with the person. It seems to be the common theme with those that ate AP that we keep hoping they will change or hoping they will go back to the person they were when we met... or we are hooked on how alive we feel with them. I felt so happy with my x , the energy we had when we were together was really nice as well... but like your situation he just couldnt do a relationship. heck he cant even do a friendship. I didnt even want a relationship at all. The push pull and the ups and downs..the ignoring us etc its all inconsistent and not healthy and we just cant save them. Securely attached people would walk away from all of this. they would state their needs and if the other person didnt change they would then leave. I feel the hope in your posts and Im right there with you.. but sadly they cant give us what we need. we have to work on ourselves now and work on becoming earned secure... that is the only way to heal and get away from all of this for us. keep posting here and reading. I think I'd be willing to be patient for a little while, if only because i can empathize so well, having spent a lot of time on that side, personally. But what you say, and what I've read here, makes me extremely hesitant. I have another perspective as well, which I'll be posting somewhere else on here (probably under avoidant). |
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Post by isildur4797 on Jul 3, 2019 20:08:33 GMT
isildur4797 , probably not what you want to hear, but this is a very typical AP/FA situation. If she has told you that she has been ruining (ie sabotaging) relationships for the last 2 years over a Phantom Not-Even-Ex (he was an unavailable fantasy crush she couldn't have!), it's a very established pattern that is neither about you nor going to change with you. Having a phantom ex is a defense mechanism to stay distant from more available partners (similar to the concept of waiting for "the one" who everything will be easy and perfect with). If she is truly avoidant, it's most likely the case that anyone who comes off as consistently available is not going to trigger her nervous system in the way she interprets as love, and that will continue to be the case unless she's in enough pain to be motivated to do her own attachment healing work. You can't help her get there, especially not if you have your own attachment issues to overcome. And trying to be less available is not the way to go either: it may attract her back temporarily, but you'll just end up in an anxiety-filled loop that will be very painful unless both of you address your own independent issues. Which basically brings us back to where you already are right now. I agree that moving on and focusing on yourself, and NEVER expecting this to change (even if it does, it will be years down the road), is your best bet. Yeah, youre probably right. Id be willing to be patient, at least for a little while, if only because i can empathize so well with that side of things lol. |
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Post by alexandra on Jul 3, 2019 20:59:05 GMT
Yeah, youre probably right. Id be willing to be patient, at least for a little while, if only because i can empathize so well with that side of things lol. Has anyone being patient and empathizing with you in the past ever changed your feelings? Have you taken an attachment assessment? There are decent and free ones online. You can see if you're AP or FA. I'd also think it's a possibility you're actually FA, and then as another poster pointed out, FA/FA still looks like an AP/FA (or DA) dynamic if one FA is more avoidant than the other. It's worth looking into for yourself. |
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Post by isildur4797 on Jul 4, 2019 13:14:08 GMT
Yeah, youre probably right. Id be willing to be patient, at least for a little while, if only because i can empathize so well with that side of things lol. Has anyone being patient and empathizing with you in the past ever changed your feelings? Have you taken an attachment assessment? There are decent and free ones online. You can see if you're AP or FA. I'd also think it's a possibility you're actually FA, and then as another poster pointed out, FA/FA still looks like an AP/FA (or DA) dynamic if one FA is more avoidant than the other. It's worth looking into for yourself. Oh, no, I don't think that would change her feelings. I just think she deactivated hardcore last week, and I'd be willing to deal with this crap for at least a little while because I can be patient and empathize. And yeah, im starting to think i might be FA. Took the one that Jeb Kinnison has, and it points in that direction, at least somewhat. |
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Post by 8675309 on Jul 5, 2019 11:55:03 GMT
isildur4797 is that a securely attached person will leave at the first sign of inconsistency... no matter what , no matter the pain of cutting that bond with the person. Not if triggered anxious like mine made me, I let it go on longer than I should have. Sure, I cut it faster than AP would but sure held on longer than normal with him.
I have not seen anything from him on social media in a year +. I dont look, I know better. Something of his popped in my feed via another and my gut twinged all this time later. I have a business account so I would not expect to ever see anything of his. It triggered him to come into my thoughts more this past week or so.
Secure does not mean you're 'invincible' to triggered feelings or holding on longer or acting a fool sometimes.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2019 14:45:55 GMT
This girl and I knew each other for the past 2-3 years and got close at the end of our senior spring semester, started hooking up too. She mentioned having issues which feelings due to a past guy (who she’d never dated and doesn’t talk to). She mentioned having issues with feelings due to a past guy (who she’d never dated and doesn’t talk to) who she wasn’t over. So I agreed to give it time and be casual. Anyways I eventually realized she was avoidant, and I have been working on adjusting to that since I’m an anxious person. We'd been talking since our graduation, a LOT at first, then a lot less, and a little more again in the last week and a half, but we haven't seen each other since graduation. We were going to spend the night together later this week on the fourth. Few nights ago talking on the phone I mentioned how she was the person I was hooking up with and she started feeling wierd after that. Told me last night that she decided she was not into me because of that guy from 2 years ago, and that it had been part of ruining every relationship since. That she realized two nights ago, and that it "hit her like a brick". Anyways I took it very very well and actually talked about other stuff too. Still supposed to be hanging there that night and hoping it won’t be awkward. Based on past experiences, while I don’t expect anything to happen that night, i wouldn’t be shocked. I’ve had situations before we’re we hung out and she was surprised by how much fun she had or how into what we were doing she was and so on. Like very surprised. On some level I’m hoping something would happen in the future - I really liked this girl - but I’m moving on and it should be a lot easier this time around than it has been in the past. What does everyone thing about her pulling away, the ex she still likes, and the possibility things changing? Honestly curious... Wait- you're saying this wasn't casual sex,, in the other thread- but here you say you guys started hooking up, she said she had problems with feelings and so you agreed to be casual. You are not being clear. |
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