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Post by tnr9 on Sept 9, 2019 14:24:43 GMT
It has taken me a long time to get a more objective view because while experiencing cycling, it feels personal. In a sense, I wanted it to be personal because then I could understand it and have some level of influence into it and feel a bit more “in control”. It also fed into this perception that I was somehow “special” (when he would come back, it was magical...when he distanced, it was torture). I think all relationships have some level of ebb and flow, but I felt like mine was on caffeine....with no rhyme or reason behind it. I was baffled....trying to adjust and be flexible without any roadmap. I am saying this as much for myself as for others here....cycling is more to do with the other person’s internal state rather then anything I or anyone else here does. Unless the other person is aware..I don’t believe there truly is anything that can be done to influence it...no amount of understanding, adjusting, apologizing, reading will change that.
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Post by stu on Sept 9, 2019 18:58:09 GMT
It has taken me a long time to get a more objective view because while experiencing cycling, it feels personal. In a sense, I wanted it to be personal because then I could understand it and have some level of influence into it and feel a bit more “in control”. It also fed into this perception that I was somehow “special” (when he would come back, it was magical...when he distanced, it was torture). I think all relationships have some level of ebb and flow, but I felt like mine was on caffeine....with no rhyme or reason behind it. I was baffled....trying to adjust and be flexible without any roadmap. I am saying this as much for myself as for others here....cycling is more to do with the other person’s internal state rather then anything I or anyone else here does. Unless the other person is aware..I don’t believe there truly is anything that can be done to influence it...no amount of understanding, adjusting, apologizing, reading will change that. Very true, there's nothing that needs to be done! This is 100 percent their stuff to work through and until they start working on it seriously, no matter what another person does they will always be triggered and de activate again, at some point. Trying to hold onto being a certain way for fear of triggering an avoidant just makes us forgoe our own needs and forget the importance of self care. We need to take care of ourselves and create strong boundaries over our own inner well being. There's nothing personal about cycling, but it's better to be emotionally equipped and with the right expectations so we don't feel terrible everytime they pull away again, without any idea of what happens next. |
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Post by serenity on Sept 11, 2019 2:24:52 GMT
I found deactivations inevitable as well, even with a mature and reasonably aware FA. During `mini withdrawrals' I could influence things insofar as avoiding clingy, engulfing behaviours prevented things from spiralling into a full deactivation each time. But according to him (which i agree with) I had nothing to do with causing those mini withdrawrals, nor the feelings and mindset behind them.
You learn so much about composure, emotional self reliance, and facing your own jealousy/insecurity issues in these kinds of relationship, I'm grateful for the experiences I have, and for the friendships I continue with FA exes. But next time round, I'm choosing a charming, excellent communicator with good conflict resolution skills. I have so much appreciation for those qualities right now, lol.
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