FA reluctant of meeting in person (20 year long love story)

Hi, I am new here and this is my first post. 

I am a female in my 40s, and my FA partner are the same age. Our story starts 20 years ago... I might be a long post, so bear with me

I have been reading through a lot of posts in the FA section, and you guys are giving some really insightful answers. I also have read the books Avoidant, Attached, He's Scared, She's Scared, Wired for Love and a lot of other books and articles on this subject, after I became aware of attachment styles almost a year ago.

I come up as secure in tests, but I certainly can see myself both having both anxious and avoidant traits as well.

I now feel like telling you my story, wondering if you can enlighten me of what I might be blinded to see for myself. Maybe I also see thing more clearly just by writing it out.

When we first got to know each other and I realized he was interested in me, I had another partner. I eventually broke up with him, because of my crush in this new guy, and feeling bored with the old one. (Somehow I seem to have a history of doing that, from my 20s. For the record: I also have a history of obsessing over the ones I never got...). 

We were colleagues, became good friends and liked to talk a lot at work. In the weekends we occasionally met out on town partying. Then we were always flirting. We ended up in bed very few times (always when drunk), because what usually happened was that we started texting when we got home. We both enjoyed this way of communicating and flirting. I tried to initiate some visits a couple of times, but I felt he was not ready for it, so I did not push. But he was on my mind all the time, and I had really strong feelings for him.

I did not know anything about attachment styles back then (I just found out one year ago), but I guess I am good at reading people. So I felt he was avoiding commitment, and I gave him space. But still I knew he liked me more than a friend. But none of us ever talked about our feelings. This went on for about 1,5 year. 

Then, out of the blue, he suddenly was in a relationship with another woman. I was shocked, did not see that coming at all. But when he came to my office to tell me, and asked if it was all right, I played cool. Inside I panicked, but I also sort of was happy for him, because he seemed so relaxed and happy with this new girlfriend. I had a hard time dealing with this "break up" (from our non-existing relationship). Just a couple of months after they got pregnant. I just couldn't take being around him to witness this anymore, so I actually quit my job and moved to another part of the country. 

One year after I met a good man, and went official after just a few dates. The year after we moved in together and got a child. Later another child and got married. Before that my FA had been dumped by his girl friend and was single. I still never forgot my FA, not even on my wedding day, sorry to say. Knowing how deep I loved (/was attached to) my FA, I did everything to avoid meeting him when I was in my hometown visiting family and friends. Because I knew that I could not resist him if he approached me. 

I succeeded in not seeing him (or texting him) for many years. Then, about 12 year after we split up, I could not resist it anymore, when I was in my hometown alone, without my family. On purpose I went to a concert because I saw on Facebook he was attending. When he finally arrived the bar, we were very happy to reunite, and we told each other more things in 5 minutes than we ever did back then. We acknowledged that we both had been thinking about each other. I commented that he just had ran away with another woman, and he said he didn't know what happened, because he had been wildly in love with me. 

It felt really good to hear him finally confirm what I thought I knew all the time. Of course I pretended that it was totally coincidental that we run into each other that night. We met for coffee the day after, but only as friends. Then we were right back to texting just like in the old days. After a few days I told him I cannot do this because I am married. He tried to contact me a few times, but I said I even had to remove him as a FB-friend, because I could not be reminded of him all the time, and that we should not have any contact. He respected this. 

The year to come I was a mess, I obsessed over this guy day and night and could hardly concentrate at work. Secretly I was hoping that my husband would find a lover of something that made it reasonable to end the marriage. He has been supportive and actually a good husband, so I have nothing to complain about. But I loved him more like a brother/friend than a lover though. It was no passion, which I think was what made be finally go back to see my FA again, I missed the passion and chemistry between us. 

After one year of longing to reconnect with FA, I went to a festival in my hometown where I, quite right, ran into him. It just felt so right to be with him. I sat on his lap, and we had a slow dance, but nothing more than that, no kissing (I knew if I kissed him I would be completely lost, as he is the best kisser I have ever met).

What followed next was a few days of texting, before I could not take it anymore, and confessed everything to my husband, that I was in love with another man, and didn't know what to do. Of course, my husband was devastated, and actually had a breakdown, having this coming out of the blue, thinking we were all right. The reason I told him was that I thought we could talk this through and find out of it together. We talked for a month, and went to counseling, but then we agreed to end it, although my husband didn't want to lose me.

The break lasted for only 3 days because I couldn't find the courage to leave my family, as the kids were so young and after all we had a decent relationship with nothing to complain on. 

Around this time I had arranged a meeting with FA, who had mustered courage to come down to see me. But because of me getting together with my husband again, I could not come to see him.

This period was very painful for all parties involved. I felt whatever I did, it was wrong, and someone had to get hurt, myself included. I got two weeks sick leave from my doctor to recover.

I now understood that I had to go no contact with FA to save my marriage. I actually held this promise for 4 years. The first two of them I was totally obsessing, checking his FB profile several times a day. Then it calmed a little, but I still thought about him almost every day. 

Then, last summer, we suddenly saw each other, just by accident (he was in a car with other people, so we didn't talk). Now, this time when he texted me, I could not resist any longer. It felt so good and right, and we made each other happy. One month after, I confessed to my husband that I had contact with this crush again. He freaked out at first, of course, but we could talk about it. I got this wild idea of trying polyamory, because I felt like this two men both were giving me something the other could not: Security vs. passion. After I while I admitted that I had lost the sexual desire for my husband years ago, I just kept doing it out of a sense of duty.

Writing this, I realize you might want to tell my I am crazy not to be happy with the secure partner I've got. But in many ways guess I am just more wired for risk than for stability, in several areas of my life. Routines make me bored and restless.

Maybe I am a mess, but anyway I am proud to say that I did not cheat on my husband, but was open about what was going on. We talked about the situation during 7 months. In the end I realized that this polyamory thing was probably me not having courage enough to end the marriage, and coming up with a creative solution to be with FA. In the end I started distancing by moving to a separate bedroom. Finally my husband could not have it anymore and said we were over. When he said that I felt absolutely nothing, if anything, a kind of relief. So I knew it was right, even if it wouldn't be easy. Luckily, we managed to make a so called harmonious divorce, and the kids (now teenagers) seems to be doing all right. I am now living on my own.

During this discussion process with my husband these 7 months, I asked FA several times if he would meet in person. We had not met in 4-5 years, and I felt it would be easier for me to come to a decision about the marriage if we met. But he kept finding excuses not to see me, some of them very creative. I hinted if he thought we would fit as a couple, but he reminded me I was married and that I lived too far away. He also repeated several times that he didn't want to be the reason for someones divorce, but still he could not stay away from texting me. It is obviously he likes the attention. 

As soon as I got single, I again tried to arrange for a meeting between FA and me, which was not easy. I told him that he seemed afraid of me, and he said that he was terrified of all women. I asked if he was afraid of commitment. He said he was not afraid to commit, but he was afraid about a relationship ending (he had a girlfriend ghosting him after the first one leaving him, and had been single for several years now).  

I started to get anxious when he didn't seem to want to meet me the times we had the chance, since we live so far apart. So I pushed a bit too hard, making him irritated, telling me I was stressing him. I told him that we had a special dynamic that made us trigger each other. That I got stressed by he not wanting to meet me, and he got stressed by my massive requests. He agreed that this must be what was going on. I said I should try to be less intensive, and he should try not to follow his instinct to run. 

After this we have met only a few times in person during the last months, with or without sex/sleepover, with or without alcohol. When we meet, we can talk for hours.

I have noticed though, that he mostly talks about himself, seldom ask questions about me and my life, quickly turn the conversation back about his life if I try to share something about myself. It could be a red flag (I admit I have been thinking narcissism), but it could just come from his uncertainty. I told him as a general dating advice that he could be more interested in me as a person and my life, and he said it would be easier when we got to know each other better.

He has told me he is no good at talking about feelings, and that is probably why he is single. And that he has lost several great woman because of his behavior. I said that talking about feelings is not important for me, because I know that he loves me without saying it.

I told him he must trust me, and he said he trusted noone, just himself. And that he had a good life as single (but earlier he also said he missed someone to share his life with, and that he imagined to live with someone in the future). 

He confessed one time (when drunk) that he actually have a very low self-esteem, while pretending otherwise. I have said I accept him as he is, and that I don't want to change him. I said he need to find a woman who understands his quirks, and when he asked if I did, I said yes. We keep teasing each other of who is being the weirdest, so weird has become sort of a compliment between us. 

So, there are few meetings IRL, but we are messaging almost every day, usually short updates/snaps about our lives.

I have told him that I do not want to nag at him, because I understand it is stressful, and he says that indeed it will make him run. 

I am by nature not a patient person, I am impulsive and want things to happen just when I think of it. And I have never used that long time to get into a relationship. So this is like a huge test for my patience, to keep waiting for this man. But I have told him I will wait until he is ready. He wants to take it slow. 

I must admit I also like this phase a lot, with its excitement and uncertainty, even if it drives me crazy in between. So I must question myself from time to time if this is just attachment or real love. I have managed to calm down the last months, not rushing things. I see that when I manage to stay secure, it is better for me, and it is better for building trust and ease for a future relationship. We do not talk about the future though, because I feel like he is not ready for it. We take baby steps. I feel he is trusting me more and more, that gives me hope. And none of us are dating other people.

Our last date was 4 weeks ago. Because I had tried to give him space and not push, I was waiting for him to initiate that date. He did not bring up the subject, and our contact was also a bit diminishing. I finally said that if we don't agree on an appointment, this is going to vanish into nothing. Then he right away suggested a time for us to meet, and that he would book a hotel room for us. 

When he met there he said that he did so because there were limits for how long he could postpone this meeting. I said that it was brave of him to come (because he told me beforehand he was scared). He agreed, and admitted that he almost had decided to leave the same night and not staying over. My experience is that he always have to leave early the next morning. I asked if this was correctly understood by me, that he can do fine with one night together, but then need to leave early to "become himself" again. He looked relieved and confirmed that to be the case. He said that I understand him, and seemed happy and relaxed. He also confirmed he was not no scared of me anymore.

He also said he was happy being single, and that it might be because he had got used to it as well. He said he liked to do his own thing in his own schedule, without making a lots of plans. I wondered if it was not possible to have both (a relationship and his own life), and if he was used to being in a relationship meant he must turn his whole life upside down, something was wrong. Then we started talking about more casual things. 

We both enjoyed this date a lot, it was a relaxed setting. He also asked a couple of small questions about me, not only talking about himself, although mostly. The next day I joked about he could have managed one more day with me, and he said no, but maybe the next day would have worked. 

By this time I felt it was about time that I kept thinking about my own needs and boundaries. I see that in my eager to try and establish a secure platform for our relationship, I might be over-adapting. I actually had to think about what was my boundaries after all? Because it feels like I have no choice than to wait for this man. It feels like we belong together (he has told me he thinks the same). It could be attachment of course. But to me it feels like unconditional love. I can see a lovely Man (with big M), who is intelligent, funny, caring and has a lot of resources. He is a leader type elsewhere, but very different when it comes to romantic relationships. 

It feels like I will love this man whatever happens with us. It might be stupid and unreasonable, because I have learned that what he does is breadcrumbing me. I give him everything he wants - love, attention, supports. He does not have to give almost anything in return. I make it easy for him, I might have spoiled him in a way. But how to make a secure relationship with a FA without it? 

One week after the date I asked if he was still in his "distance phase" or if I had been OK with me being there. He said it would be OK now, but that he needed some more dating practice. I said I wanted him to suggest the next meeting, because it should not always be me initiating, it impacts my self-respect. He agreed to initiate next time. 

Two more weeks and he had not initiated anything, and the texting was less frequent. I have the feeling he is distancing, maybe because the last date went so well, and we might be heading for something more serious. I asked if it is hard for him to initiate a meeting, and he admitted that he is not good at initiating. I asked if he agreed that I understood him very well now, and he said I understand him more than he understand himself.

(Most of the time we text about ordinary stuff though, like weather, job, kids and so on, so it is not so much relationship talk as it could seem like when I read through my writing.)

I asked if he knew what stresses me, and he said yes, but didn't tell what. I didn't push for an answer, but said that I want to meet him more often than he wants to meet me, and that we should try to meet halfway. I said that I would be less stressed if I just got a time for our next date (I think the uncertainty of not knowing if/when we are going to meet is the worst, I can deal with the waiting). He said he would suggest a time, but that I might have to remind him about it.

So, here we are today. Me waiting for an appointment date, and he distancing. I am going back and forth about sticking to my demand for him to initiate. Or if I, one more time, should initiate myself. Maybe he is to ashamed/afraid to suggest a date. And if I am stubborn about wanting him to initiate he feel I am expecting too much, even if it in a normal world would be a very reasonable request.

I think I am going to give him a couple of days more, and then suggest a time, just to get further. Now that it feels like we have some kind of progress, it would be too bad if we both are distancing. 

Wow, this became a much longer post that I thought it would be. But it felt good to write my story, because it is not very many I can tell it to (my best female friends knows it). I hesitate now, before i push the send button, because in a way I do not want you to tell me something i would not recognize in myself. To be honest, I want you to tell me that I am doing a great job, lol. But in my obsession, I might be blind. I am maybe not so anxious anymore, but obviously obsessed about trying to understand our patterns, to establish something more healthy. 

The last thing I heard from his was today, he just sent a snap of what he was doing. I answered that I was just thinking that it had been some days that I had heard from him and that I know he is busy this month. He read it but did not answer.

I am confused of what to do next. He told me he might need a reminder to initiate the date (contradictory, I know, lol), so maybe this is what he needs. But if he is distancing I should not push. So I should just not make contact unless he does. Or? 

Maybe I should tell him that I sense that he needs space, and ask if it is better for him that we go no contact for a month or so, to get time to take care of ourself, the both of us. 

I recon all this theory about attachment has learned me a lot, but it is also getting me confused. I may be too much in my head now, and not in my body