FA reluctant of meeting in person (20 year long love story)

haha, funny thing is, I was part way through that clip...at some stage, must have been weeks ago, can't distinctly recall clicking on it, it came up where I left off . Cheers for share.

Update: So, we had our date yesterday. It was a lunch date, because we had agreed on a non-sexual date to make it less frightening.

It started with some very good kissing (in my hotel room before check out) and the setting was relaxed and cheery. He didn't reciprocate my cuddling though, I tried to touch him lightly also out at the pub for lunch.

We talked about a lot of different things, job as usual, but also more personal things, vulnerable stuff, that made us know each other better. I feel we trust each other in an intimate dialogue.

I asked about his fear of abandonment. He told about being ghosted last time (many years ago), from a woman who he were about to buy a house with. After that he had decided not to fall in love again and not be together with anyone, because he wouldn't experience to be left this way again, it hurt too much.

I asked about how it made him feel about himself, because it seems to be more than just losing the person you love. I asked if it made him feel unsuccessful, lower self-confidence, or worthless? He said he it had nothing to do with that, but he hadn't really thought about it either. He tries to not think about what's uncomfortable at all, so he has difficult to express the feelings.

He said he felt like I was his project (ouch, that stings). That I am patient and I have come the longest, compared with other women he had dated. Usually what happens is they got tired of waiting, start to critizice/judge him, and he runs.

I say that I am usually a very impatient person, but I think there is something here worth waiting for, and that I keep seeing him to find out if we could be a couple. I asked if that was why he was meeting me as well, or if he had decided to be single and this is only something he was doing to pass the time (to many questions in one sentence, I understand now, lol). He answered that if it was just passing time he wouldn't be here because he had an exceptional busy work week with 11 hour work days.

But he also said he had a great life as it is, we live very far from each other, and that he cannot give anymore right now (big red flag, I see). He likes to have the freedom to go wherever he wants, and told me about the couple he know where the woman decided that they should stay at home, when the man wanted to go on a trip.

I asked how the would describe a good relationship, and he said it must be easy, going on trips together, and so on. But most of all easy (he didn't elaborate).

He said he likes being with me. I asked when is the next time we can meet, and he didn't know. I said it is his turn to suggest, and he said it had been his turn a long time already (earlier he has admitted being bad at initiating). I laughed and said yes, but this time I really mean it, we have come so far now, so you are ready to do it. He said he might forget about inviting me (!?). I said, then you are not motivated enough. If you really want it, you can do it. If you don't, that is also an answer. He said you are right.

Today I sent him a message, that he was probably right that he was my project, and I have to stop that. We can look at it as a feasibility study that now has ended. Now we have to decide to start on a main project together, with a common goal. And that I am not sure if he is ready for it, because he keeps sending mixing signals.

He said he didn't mean nothing bad with his project remark. I said, to keep using the project language, according to his resource assessment and risk analysis there is no point in starting this project.

He confirmed that he is very uncertain about this.

I told him OK, you might not be ready then. I do not mean we have to be a couple right away, that I can be patient. But I need to know if you will try to come out of your armor gradually. If you are ready to try?

He answered that he needed to think this through.

I said that was OK, I can not help you with what your are struggling with, you have to work on it yourself, or with a therapist, or else you will just continue in the same old track.

So – this is so far we have come. I realize it can end here. But I feel calm and ready to let him go if he is not ready for something more. Anyway, I have learned a lot about myself in this last year. I do not think I have talked so open and honest with any man before, about relationship issues. It feels good to be able to have this kind of communication, just trying to understand and figure things out, with no judging or blaming each other.

You’ve met once in 20 years and you have a plan in your head about how it is going to be. You’re also taking steps to get this to happen. Be careful about how far you’re invested in this already. Love frequently doesn’t trump everything else.

Once in 20 years? You haven't read the whole story. 
I try to be careful, this is way I am being so direct with him now. 

Yes, that is true. I understand that. But I cannot just end it without letting him get the chance to say if he are ready to work on himself. It also was the first time i mentioned the word therapist at all.

I told him I think it is sad, not because of me, but for him, that he has decided to never fall in love again. Because the need for relationships is a human basic need. 

I will leave him alone for a while, both because it is really busy at his job now in November, but also he needs time to process things. 

He told me in almost a year ago that he needed help (because his fear of abandonment), so I take this as a sign of awareness (that also have grown since then), and a willingness to change. But I am not sure he knows what kind of help he needs or how deep his issues are. 

It will take a lot of work for him, and I am prepared that he is not willing to do it. 

Maybe you are right. I cannot answer which needs though, I have to think about that one.

I certainly have issues myself, why else would I keep being attracted to an unavailable person – this is what I also told him yesterday.

But if you are right, now I am confused about what's the difference between a secure and an anxious approach to build a connection with a fearful avoidant.