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Post by bohemianraspberry on Nov 26, 2019 20:18:04 GMT
Update: Today I had my first hour with the psychologist. She has 25 years of experience.
What I expected her to say was that I should go no contact immediately, that this is harmful, I have childhood traumas, and stuff like that.
I spent most of the time telling the story, like in my first post in this tread.
I told her I need help to stop obsessing over this man, that I was ready to let him go and had set myself a deadline until new year.
I also said I still had a 10 % hope that this could turn out well between us, and that I would like to give him some more time because of his attachment style, even if it sounded crazy.
To my surprise she advised me to extend the deadline until the summer. She said you have been waiting for this man for 20 years, you can wait some more months. Also because it would be easier to let go in July, than in January, the darkest month of the year.
Meanwhile, I should be direct with him. Give him December to show initiative, as I planned. If nothing happens, confront him in January about him doing nothing to make a progress.
The next hour will be in March, for a status update.
Then, in July, if it is obvious that he is not trying, I must give him an ultimatum. Choose me all in, or let me go and not ever contact me again. Then we could start a treatment.
I do not need any treatment now. Also because with my obsessive crush I would not listen to reason at this time.
I was so happy to hear her suggestion. The sadness I have felt lately was because I prepared to let him go, thinking there really was no other options.
She said that luckily you have got kids already. She had heard these kind of stories many times. Also of people that never had kids because they spent their life waiting in vain, and regret that on their deathbed.
Afterwords I felt I earned a beer, so I went to the pub, and finally felt ready to text FA after almost week of silence between us. I just asked how things were going with his busy job project. He answered within 30 minutes, said he was sorry for not contacting me lately, but it had been so busy that I almost hadn't time to think about his son or himself, and didn't go to a concert he had a ticket to.
I said I had decided to leave him alone in November because I knew he was busy, and that he could think of me in December. He was happy and said I was a good person.
So here we are, I feel relieved about my new plan, and our short but nice tone in keeping in touch again.
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Nov 26, 2019 21:02:52 GMT
The one thing I wanted to add is you said a treatment wouldn't start until July — did you mean just a treatment over the getting over him / etc or just in general? The psychologist said I do not need treatment now. I am not sure why, it could be a mix of how I showed up in the session and my awareness of what is going on. I am not from USA, it seems to me like in USA "everybody" has their own psychologist. While it would have been interesting, it is not always a must. I might do that later, but at the moment neither me nor the therapist think it is needed. But now I can instead use that money for fun and treating things to do for myself, to get my focus off my obsessive thoughts.  I also tested as generally secure on two online tests today.    |
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Dec 5, 2019 10:25:49 GMT
Update:
I feel like I am in the middle of an awakening now. It is strange how unconscious I must have been about my values, needs and boundaries, and how important these aspects are in a relationship. I can see it more clearly now, that I need a man that show up consistently, is interested in really getting to know me, and wanting to meet me. It feels powerful.
And do you know what? If FA contacted me now, saying he wanted me to be his girlfriend, I am not sure I would say yes. Things are changing.
The contact between us is diminishing. The texts are shorter and less frequent. I feel like we are sort of fading out of each other lives. It is a very immature ending, actually. I swing between wanting to do a clean cut or just let it be and gradually drift apart. With a clean cut I mean a phone call (because of long distance), where we can do some sort of an evaluation, appreciating what I have learned through this process and him as a person, while concluding that we want different things and that this was how far we could get. But actually I think he should be the one to make such a phone call, but I think he is not capable of such an emotionally grown-up act.
Also, I have booked an hour with a new psychologist. Because the first one said I didn't need any treatment. And maybe I don't. But I want to stop the obsessive chattering in my head. I will se the new therapist at monday.
I am chatting with a very interesting man on a dating site. That helps me alot to shift my mindset. He seems secure.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 5, 2019 18:48:43 GMT
Also, I have booked an hour with a new psychologist. Because the first one said I didn't need any treatment. And maybe I don't. But I want to stop the obsessive chattering in my head. I will se the new therapist at monday. Kudos to being open to new opinions. A counselor told me 17 years ago I didn't need any treatment. He just had no idea and didn't recognize my issues, and I didn't know what they were called back then to describe what I needed. If there are things you recognize you'd like better tools to deal with, sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right person. |
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addict
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Post by addict on Dec 5, 2019 20:21:25 GMT
Also, I have booked an hour with a new psychologist. Because the first one said I didn't need any treatment. And maybe I don't. But I want to stop the obsessive chattering in my head. I will se the new therapist at monday. Kudos to being open to new opinions. A counselor told me 17 years ago I didn't need any treatment. He just had no idea and didn't recognize my issues, and I didn't know what they were called back then to describe what I needed. If there are things you recognize you'd like better tools to deal with, sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right person. Hi, Ive just read all your posts and I understand quite a lot of what's happened to you. I was in an affair relationship that spanned around 8 years...although he ended it so many times. He is now single and I'm still married... He constantly said he couldn't see me until I made myself single and couldn't have sex or intimacy until then also as he couldn't share me and I wouldn't feel like his... I put my very long story on help for anxious preoccupied... If you get a min maybe you could read it.. Thank you so much for your post as it's helped me to realise his words were just pie in the sky and I'm sure if I had left my 30 year marriage he would have found other excuses! Thank you for helping me to understand it better! Also Alexandra who suggested I do the attachment test... It seems I'm secure with friends and others , DA with my parents and husband and AP with him... you have done amazingly well to get to this mind set.. Well done you ! |
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Dec 5, 2019 21:59:32 GMT
Hi, Ive just read all your posts and I understand quite a lot of what's happened to you. I was in an affair relationship that spanned around 8 years...although he ended it so many times. He is now single and I'm still married... He constantly said he couldn't see me until I made myself single and couldn't have sex or intimacy until then also as he couldn't share me and I wouldn't feel like his... I put my very long story on help for anxious preoccupied... If you get a min maybe you could read it.. Thank you so much for your post as it's helped me to realise his words were just pie in the sky and I'm sure if I had left my 30 year marriage he would have found other excuses! Thank you for helping me to understand it better! Also Alexandra who suggested I do the attachment test... It seems I'm secure with friends and others , DA with my parents and husband and AP with him... you have done amazingly well to get to this mind set.. Well done you ! Hi addict , thank you for taking your time to write this. If my story could help anyone, at least something good has come out of it...  To be completely honest, when I shared my story as the first post in this thread, I really thought that this was going to be "the happy ending thread" in this forum. Because it wouldn't make sense going through all this and that we should not end up together. I really thought that with just time, patience, understanding, calmness and slow progression, I had found a solution. Because I had read in books and articles that it could work. I read your story when you posted it, and I read it once more now. It is really heartbreaking, and a story very similar to mine... This behavior is completely confusing and addictive making. If you have not read this article I highly recommend it: tealswan.com/resources/articles/intermittent-reinforcement-why-you-cant-leave-the-relationship-r210/I showed it to a friend of mine who was obsessed by a man. The obsession stopped after she read it. I am so sorry for you experiencing this, but it looks like you too are in your awakening now. As you write in your story: "We were a fantasy to each other but in reality it wouldn't work..." This is so true, and it is our biggest obstacle I think. That we cannot see what is going on in reality. Present actions is the only thing that matters. Not words, longing and future possibilities. |
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Post by serenity on Dec 5, 2019 22:07:24 GMT
Hi Addict. Did you ever hear that song `Soldier, Soldier, won't you marry me' ?
The lyrics have entered my mind a few times this past year, and I remembered them again reading your post.
Its about a woman who asks a soldier will he marry her, and he demands one thing after another ( a coat , a hat, gloves, boots, several other things), all of which she gives to him. And finally once she gives him everything he asked for, he admits he's unavailable and has a wife already.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Dec 5, 2019 22:21:53 GMT
Hi, Ive just read all your posts and I understand quite a lot of what's happened to you. I was in an affair relationship that spanned around 8 years...although he ended it so many times. He is now single and I'm still married... He constantly said he couldn't see me until I made myself single and couldn't have sex or intimacy until then also as he couldn't share me and I wouldn't feel like his... I put my very long story on help for anxious preoccupied... If you get a min maybe you could read it.. Thank you so much for your post as it's helped me to realise his words were just pie in the sky and I'm sure if I had left my 30 year marriage he would have found other excuses! Thank you for helping me to understand it better! Also Alexandra who suggested I do the attachment test... It seems I'm secure with friends and others , DA with my parents and husband and AP with him... you have done amazingly well to get to this mind set.. Well done you ! Hi addict , thank you for taking your time to write this. If my story could help anyone, at least something good has come out of it... To be completely honest, when I shared my story as the first post in this thread, I really thought that this was going to be "the happy ending thread" in this forum. Because it wouldn't make sense going through all this and that we should not end up together. I really thought that with just time, patience, understanding, calmness and slow progression, I had found a solution. Because I had read in books and articles that it could work. I read your story when you posted it, and I read it once more now. It is really heartbreaking, and a story very similar to mine... This behavior is completely confusing and addictive making. If you have not read this article I highly recommend it: tealswan.com/resources/articles/intermittent-reinforcement-why-you-cant-leave-the-relationship-r210/I showed it to a friend of mine who was obsessed by a man. The obsession stopped after she read it. I am so sorry for you experiencing this, but it looks like you too are in your awakening now. As you write in your story: "We were a fantasy to each other but in reality it wouldn't work..." This is so true, and it is our biggest obstacle I think. That we cannot see what is going on in reality. Present actions is the only thing that matters. Not words, longing and future possibilities. Thing is Bohemian, it's good you've "let go" in effect. You realise he needs to do the work, and you can't force it sadly, it is heartbreaking  , I know how you feel. I'm talking to mine again, and have fully offered my support/help (clearly with boundaries, I will tell her directly if she crosses any), and she has opened up a bit more about her father's abuse and is more communicative. I myself have been more vulnerable (more than normal), and a bit more communicative generally, I've always kept it light, humourous interactions mostly with funny memes etc. And so we are friends, and there is zero expectation from me, even though again things are moving romantically. This time however armed with what I know about F-A, I will be asking questions over time in a mindful, considerate and empathic position, I was probably admittedly a little dismissive last time around and not as mindful, as it was the first time I had ever seen anything like this. I personally appreciate you sharing your story, and I hope you have positive interactions with this guy over time, and I hope he heals himself, for himself and personal happiness. |
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Post by addict on Dec 6, 2019 8:02:38 GMT
Hi, Ive just read all your posts and I understand quite a lot of what's happened to you. I was in an affair relationship that spanned around 8 years...although he ended it so many times. He is now single and I'm still married... He constantly said he couldn't see me until I made myself single and couldn't have sex or intimacy until then also as he couldn't share me and I wouldn't feel like his... I put my very long story on help for anxious preoccupied... If you get a min maybe you could read it.. Thank you so much for your post as it's helped me to realise his words were just pie in the sky and I'm sure if I had left my 30 year marriage he would have found other excuses! Thank you for helping me to understand it better! Also Alexandra who suggested I do the attachment test... It seems I'm secure with friends and others , DA with my parents and husband and AP with him... you have done amazingly well to get to this mind set.. Well done you ! Hi addict , thank you for taking your time to write this. If my story could help anyone, at least something good has come out of it... To be completely honest, when I shared my story as the first post in this thread, I really thought that this was going to be "the happy ending thread" in this forum. Because it wouldn't make sense going through all this and that we should not end up together. I really thought that with just time, patience, understanding, calmness and slow progression, I had found a solution. Because I had read in books and articles that it could work. I read your story when you posted it, and I read it once more now. It is really heartbreaking, and a story very similar to mine... This behavior is completely confusing and addictive making. If you have not read this article I highly recommend it: tealswan.com/resources/articles/intermittent-reinforcement-why-you-cant-leave-the-relationship-r210/I showed it to a friend of mine who was obsessed by a man. The obsession stopped after she read it. I am so sorry for you experiencing this, but it looks like you too are in your awakening now. As you write in your story: "We were a fantasy to each other but in reality it wouldn't work..." This is so true, and it is our biggest obstacle I think. That we cannot see what is going on in reality. Present actions is the only thing that matters. Not words, longing and future possibilities. |
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Post by addict on Dec 6, 2019 8:16:05 GMT
Hi Bohemianraspberry, thank you for your reply, it means a lot to find someone who truly understands!! Wow to the link... That is the best description I've read! Exactly how it was with me...I've always thought it was unconscious on his part but after reading that I'm not so sure... Especially when it said about giving you what you want if you give up someone...,yikes! I'm still getting there.. To be honest I haven't found a therapist who feels they can help me 😫 Most people don't seem to understand it here in the UK and I live miles from a city... Looks like the main thing to work on at present is boundaries and mine are shot to pieces! I think for me it's coming to terms with the last 8 years as being a learning curve... And start living my life without the fantasy...I definitely crave his approval... Attention and approval are my thing...
You've come such a long way... Do you feel differently towards him since your epiphany moment? Do you no longer fantasise that he's the one?
Thanks again for your original post , it's most definitely helped me massively... ❤️
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Dec 6, 2019 13:38:09 GMT
Do you feel differently towards him since your epiphany moment? Do you no longer fantasise that he's the one? I still think he is special to me, and I don't think I could say no if he, against all odds, suddenly called and said he was coming to my city this weekend to meet me. But this is only a fantasy, because it is something an emotionally grown-up man would do. This one is not capable of it at this stage of dating. I think he is emontionally at the same age as my teenager sons. And that is not really attractive for someone close to 50... His behavior is getting more and more into a turn-off. I am able to distinguish between a good man (that he certainly is), and a good partner (that he unfortunately is not). I am very aware that there are a lot of good men out there, that also are good partners. But I have not been able to consider them, because I have been blinded by my obsession. The "just push the button one more time and I will win the big prize" mindset. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 6, 2019 16:57:04 GMT
Wow to the women here cheating on their husbands and criticizing the emotional maturity and capacity of the men they pursued while married. Just wow. Always someone else fucking things up for them I guess.
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Post by addict on Dec 6, 2019 17:22:18 GMT
Hi Addict. Did you ever hear that song `Soldier, Soldier, won't you marry me' ? The lyrics have entered my mind a few times this past year, and I remembered them again reading your post. Its about a woman who asks a soldier will he marry her, and he demands one thing after another ( a coat , a hat, gloves, boots, several other things), all of which she gives to him. And finally once she gives him everything he asked for, he admits he's unavailable and has a wife already. Aww no I haven't...thanks I will look out for it... |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 6, 2019 17:24:37 GMT
Hi Addict. Did you ever hear that song `Soldier, Soldier, won't you marry me' ? The lyrics have entered my mind a few times this past year, and I remembered them again reading your post. Its about a woman who asks a soldier will he marry her, and he demands one thing after another ( a coat , a hat, gloves, boots, several other things), all of which she gives to him. And finally once she gives him everything he asked for, he admits he's unavailable and has a wife already. Aww no I haven't...thanks I will look out for it... Keeping in mind that you wouldn't leave a 30 year marriage for your lover? |
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Post by addict on Dec 6, 2019 17:25:24 GMT
Wow to the women here cheating on their husbands and criticizing the emotional maturity and capacity of the men they pursued while married. Just wow. Always someone else fucking things up for them I guess. Thanks for your kindness...not gonna try to justify my actions! If I wasn't trying to work on my problems I wouldn't be on here asking for advice... |
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, I know how you feel. I'm talking to mine again, and have fully offered my support/help (clearly with boundaries, I will tell her directly if she crosses any), and she has opened up a bit more about her father's abuse and is more communicative. I myself have been more vulnerable (more than normal), and a bit more communicative generally, I've always kept it light, humourous interactions mostly with funny memes etc. And so we are friends, and there is zero expectation from me, even though again things are moving romantically. This time however armed with what I know about F-A, I will be asking questions over time in a mindful, considerate and empathic position, I was probably admittedly a little dismissive last time around and not as mindful, as it was the first time I had ever seen anything like this.