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Post by bohemianraspberry on Jan 10, 2020 19:42:29 GMT
One month since I "broke up" with FA, so I would like to give you an update.
Even if there has been both christmas, new years eve and my birthday during this month, FA have not tried to get in touch in any way. I have not contacted him either, nor have I looked at his social media profiles.
Something almost funny happened though. I have been updating a single friend of mine about this story, but I never mention his name, because the three of us were coworkers 20 year ago, and I didn't like her to know... But now, during christmas, I got a message from her, telling me FA had liked her on Tinder! Then I had to confess to her that this was the guy I had been telling her about. She was very surprised, because she never would have guessed it could be him. She said he is a decent and nice man, and it was difficult to understand that he could have such issues with women.
When I think about I am one of very few people that know him at this personal level, it makes me sad. I feel sorry for him.
It has been easier to let go of him than I feared beforehand. I have thought about him of course. Not obsessing, but sad thoughts in between. I still can feel a tiny hope that maybe, just maybe, it will be us sometime further ahead (many years later). But I can relax in the knowledge that it is not possible now or in the near future. I can let him go because now I have seen how he behaves in real life, and it doesn't make any sense to cling to the fantasy of what could have been.
I have started dating this guy I met at a dating site, that I told you about. After chatting for 3 weeks, we have met 3 times now, for sex and good company. He is very different. I would say he is a mix of secure and avoidant though. He is very clear that he doesn't want any commitment right now, but that is completely OK with me. Armed with my knowledge of attachment theory, I have managed to not get too bonded, and if I should want get more serious than him, I know I just have to end it. Anyway, it is strange, but he makes me feel safe even with the non-committed status. He is open, honest, talks about feelings and relationship, consistent and pretty fast in his responses to me, don't play games. We have fun and also talk about deeper stuff. This has helped me a lot in getting over the FA.
I have been to 3 sessions with the psychologist. The goal of the treatment is to stop obsessing over men I cannot have (it has happened before this story), and be able to feel more safe. The psychologist want to help me find what I am searching for, that might not be FA, but something he represents. She also want to help me feel safe in myself, without needing another person to feel safe.
I am lurking this forum and learn a lot from all of you, so thank you for sharing and caring. I will continue to update this thread, as people have told me it has been helpful for them to read my story.
Happy new year to you all, and the best of wishes for our love lives in 2020.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 10, 2020 19:51:41 GMT
One month since I "broke up" with FA, so I would like to give you an update. Even if there has been both christmas, new years eve and my birthday during this month, FA have not tried to get in touch in any way. I have not contacted him either, nor have I looked at his social media profiles. Something almost funny happened though. I have been updating a single friend of mine about this story, but I never mention his name, because the three of us were coworkers 20 year ago, and I didn't like her to know... But now, during christmas, I got a message from her, telling me FA had liked her on Tinder! Then I had to confess to her that this was the guy I had been telling her about. She was very surprised, because she never would have guessed it could be him. She said he is a decent and nice man, and it was difficult to understand that he could have such issues with women. When I think about I am one of very few people that know him at this personal level, it makes me sad. I feel sorry for him. It has been easier to let go of him than I feared beforehand. I have thought about him of course. Not obsessing, but sad thoughts in between. I still can feel a tiny hope that maybe, just maybe, it will be us sometime further ahead (many years later). But I can relax in the knowledge that it is not possible now or in the near future. I can let him go because now I have seen how he behaves in real life, and it doesn't make any sense to cling to the fantasy of what could have been. I have started dating this guy I met at a dating site, that I told you about. After chatting for 3 weeks, we have met 3 times now, for sex and good company. He is very different. I would say he is a mix of secure and avoidant though. He is very clear that he doesn't want any commitment right now, but that is completely OK with me. Armed with my knowledge of attachment theory, I have managed to not to get too bonded, and if I should want get more serious than him, I know I just have to end it. Anyway, it is strange, but he makes me feel safe even with the non-committed status. He is open, honest, talks about feelings and relationship, consistent and pretty fast in his responses to me, don't play games. We have fun and also talk about deeper stuff. This has helped me a lot in getting over the FA. I have been to 3 sessions with the psychologist. The goal of the treatment is to stop obsessing over men I cannot have (it has happened before this story), and be able to feel more safe. The psychologist want to help me find what I am searching for, that might not be FA, but something he represents. She also want to help me feel safe in myself, without needing another person to feel safe. I am lurking this forum and learn a lot from all of you, so thank you for sharing and caring. I will continue to update this thread, as I people have told me it has been helpful for them to read my story. Happy new year to you all, and the best of wishes for our love lives in 2020. Good attitude Bohemian. Here is the thing, regardless of the guy you liked being on dating sites, he will meet and cycle exactly the same way he did with you, until he identifies and processes his trauma. Some relationships will last longer or shorter for him pending on dynamics, and the other persons willingness to be codependent and accept the intermittent reinforcement, that is the only change. He will woo someone off their feet and it'll be full on (anxious side for him, where most F-As make relationship decisions from), then pull back when seemingly too close, but once there, will oscillate (push-pull) because he's doing this in his own mind. Nothing will ever change, you can be guaranteed. The A-P I dated 5 years ago, I am a family friend, she is still the same, been to therapy on anti-depressants etc, has short 3 month relationships constantly, 2-3 times a year, exactly the same constantly, because she doesn't want to face up to reality, so keeps going through her cycle, just like this F-A will, there is no long lasting, interdependent true love relationship to be found here, only dysfunction pain and suffering in a codependent one. So well done |
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addict
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Post by addict on Jan 11, 2020 17:01:45 GMT
One month since I "broke up" with FA, so I would like to give you an update. Even if there has been both christmas, new years eve and my birthday during this month, FA have not tried to get in touch in any way. I have not contacted him either, nor have I looked at his social media profiles. Something almost funny happened though. I have been updating a single friend of mine about this story, but I never mention his name, because the three of us were coworkers 20 year ago, and I didn't like her to know... But now, during christmas, I got a message from her, telling me FA had liked her on Tinder! Then I had to confess to her that this was the guy I had been telling her about. She was very surprised, because she never would have guessed it could be him. She said he is a decent and nice man, and it was difficult to understand that he could have such issues with women. When I think about I am one of very few people that know him at this personal level, it makes me sad. I feel sorry for him. It has been easier to let go of him than I feared beforehand. I have thought about him of course. Not obsessing, but sad thoughts in between. I still can feel a tiny hope that maybe, just maybe, it will be us sometime further ahead (many years later). But I can relax in the knowledge that it is not possible now or in the near future. I can let him go because now I have seen how he behaves in real life, and it doesn't make any sense to cling to the fantasy of what could have been. I have started dating this guy I met at a dating site, that I told you about. After chatting for 3 weeks, we have met 3 times now, for sex and good company. He is very different. I would say he is a mix of secure and avoidant though. He is very clear that he doesn't want any commitment right now, but that is completely OK with me. Armed with my knowledge of attachment theory, I have managed to not get too bonded, and if I should want get more serious than him, I know I just have to end it. Anyway, it is strange, but he makes me feel safe even with the non-committed status. He is open, honest, talks about feelings and relationship, consistent and pretty fast in his responses to me, don't play games. We have fun and also talk about deeper stuff. This has helped me a lot in getting over the FA. I have been to 3 sessions with the psychologist. The goal of the treatment is to stop obsessing over men I cannot have (it has happened before this story), and be able to feel more safe. The psychologist want to help me find what I am searching for, that might not be FA, but something he represents. She also want to help me feel safe in myself, without needing another person to feel safe. I am lurking this forum and learn a lot from all of you, so thank you for sharing and caring. I will continue to update this thread, as people have told me it has been helpful for them to read my story. Happy new year to you all, and the best of wishes for our love lives in 2020. |
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addict
Junior Member
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Post by addict on Jan 11, 2020 17:05:22 GMT
You've done so well and I wish you love and best wishes for the future! I guess finding a new interest has helped take your mind off him ... I also congratulate you on keeping up the no contact! That's very difficult to stick to... Keep in touch and happy new year to you too ☺️
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Post by kittygirl on Jan 11, 2020 18:08:56 GMT
Omg girl! So proud of you! It's so inspirational to see you (especially because our situations were so similar and we ended things at the same time) and your process and how you are doing. You are allowing me to see there is hope!
I want to start dating but I feel like I need to do more work on myself first (I always bounce from relationship to relationship and I need to stop for a moment and really evaluate what I'm doing) so I won't be able to join you in this part of your journey (though I want to dammit!) but please know that the rest of it...I am right here with you! We got this
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Jan 11, 2020 20:58:37 GMT
I want to start dating but I feel like I need to do more work on myself first (I always bounce from relationship to relationship and I need to stop for a moment and really evaluate what I'm doing) so I won't be able to join you in this part of your journey (though I want to dammit!) Good to hear from you, kittygirl, yes we can do it! I didn't feel ready to date either... But it was an eyeopener to see all the fish in the sea! And nice to get attention from some of them. I have not been dating, just been browsing and chatting. But this one I became too curious about, because he was more laidback and enjoyed chatting and deep and humoristic conversations just like me. So we knew each other a bit already before we decided to meet. |
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Jun 25, 2020 6:54:21 GMT
Update: It now has been over 6 months since i "broke up" with this person. He has held his promise of not contacting me. I gave him a standard congratulation on Facebook on his birthday (my way to tell him I am OK now), and he responded with a standard thank you. That was it.
In retrospect I do not understand how I could be so patient and understanding and wait soooo long for a man that was not capable to be in a relationship. He just needed the attention, excitement and company. I see that now.
They say sometimes a door have to close for a new one to open, and that is very true. I met my current boyfriend just a month after I let go of the illusion. Now I am happy and at peace and can concentrate on other things in life rather than people's attachment styles (which also become an obsession when I frequented this forum). I am with a man that actually wants to see me (not every day, but very often), that is able to tell me how much I mean to him and can imagine a future for us. The complete opposite of what I hang on to for so many years.
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Post by attachmenthealer on Oct 16, 2020 20:30:30 GMT
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I spent time with an FA and we had the whole cycle over and over except the communication wasn't quite as open as it was with you. My limerance and obsession sounded so much like yours. We were both very kind to each other most of the time even with the cycling. After about 2 years after my FA had a really mean cycle when covid started I couldn't take it anymore so I pretended I was over it and told him kindly I was over him when he came back around. I worked with him so I couldn't take the ups and downs at work anymore which is why I pretended to be over it. Even after I told him I was over it he would push pull. After I left the job and him and I came to a dead stop. We had very sentimental goodbye which was so unusual for him to show. Anyway, I was a wreck for weeks and I still think about him. Hearing your story helped me see what could have been. It affirmed what I knew when I left that job; that he'd always push me away. Thank you so much for sharing your break up thread. It broke my heart but answered my question- could I have done more? Could I have done better? You did more. You did better and it still didn't work. Thank you for your transparency and I'm so happy to hear about where you're at now.
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