Update / FA expresses wanting to be together

You're not crazy, you're just triggered, like the rest of us :-D

So if you or anyone else could help me out, I think I am understanding this freeze state the more I read about it, because I think it's what happened to me a few weeks before my final breakup: 

After getting back together for two months in which everything was going great, he deactivated again. I knew I would hear from him at some point, and I did a week later, which I know isn't bad at all after reading about other instances here.  I knew what was going on so I left him alone until I heard from him. We saw each other again for the weekend which was our usual, and then again he deactivated. Again I left him alone, but it was harder that time, because I didn't know when I was going to hear from him again. I didn't know if it was going to only be a week like that last time or two weeks, or a month, I just knew eventually.


When I finally did hear from him, his text was asking me what I was doing, which was his way of saying he wanted to see me. It was jarring to me, and my body went into a heightened state, what I felt at the time was a frozen panic - there were so many thoughts running through my head - relief to hear from him; extreme anger that he was just dropping in out of the blue with no explanation for pushing me away for an indefinite amount of time; the nonchalant manner of the disappearing/reappearing; what I should respond, or even if I should respond and when, so many things.

I sat for a good while before I did respond. It was an hour, maybe two before I felt myself calm down from that (frozen?) state, and my response was that I was declining to meet up because I had had mouth surgery two days before and the side of my mouth was swollen and in pain, all true. But I was also really angry that he had been shut down and that he, my partner, wasn't available to me two days before when I was going to have this surgery for him to even know about it. It felt so disconnected and I felt like we really just don't even know each other since we are so disconnected. 

The actual physical response felt like a wave of heat going up my body to my head, the hairs on my body standing up, heightened sensitivity to touch to the point I wanted to JUST.SIT and not move because it was too jarring to move. I don't remember if there was rapid blinking or no blinking, but it was one of the two. I was aware of the physical response, but my thoughts weren't really focused on that, it was on all the thoughts running through  my head.

So, does that sound like going into a freeze state? And if it is, it's not fun at all. It felt like a mild panic attack, which is why I needed to just sit there and not move, I needed to ground myself physically for the moment, although I may have also gotten up at some point and paced around, I don't remember. The last time I remember feeling near that way was when I had post-partum depression, the first and last time I had been depressed. I was having panic attacks at the time but I didn't know what was going on, because I'd never had them before. A really dark time in my life. 

And I just wanted to clarify that I only said the part about my mouth in pain, I didn't go into being angry with him or any of that. My reply was strictly matter of fact about why I couldn't go see him.

As you would have read potentially, I bit the bullet recently, 2 weeks ago almost, no reply still. I had to disclose what I thought was going on, the poor girl I know is in pain and suffering, with multiple health issues now. And I can see the abuse from her father and her ex. husband running her down still to this day is having an effect. I couldn't stand and watch idly by, regardless of "offending" her or anything else. I actually fear for her ongoing health which is already bad. If said in a loving way, I don't see the issue with it personally. I mean if it's blunt and direct, literally saying I think you're definitely this, without asking them what they think about it and if they wish to talk about it and offer your help in anyway in future, that is rude. But from a place of compassion and wanting them to get better, my god I couldn't not say something to try and help. 

I wouldn't worry about it too much. Both of my FA exes have apologised to me for their behaviour at various times. One told me he considered himself a `monster' for how her treated me, and the other thought he was `crazy' and must be a bad person. You can just imagine the weight of shame for someone with these issues who doesn't know why they have them.

In both cases I just explained how I saw it from a mental health perspective, that I didn't think it made them `bad', and its not their fault.  I said I sure understand about Trauma and C-PTSD , I know its a struggle handling triggers, and I can recognize it in others because I struggle with triggers too.

If anything, it deepened trust in my freindships with them. 

caro, you can just ask him if he's familiar with attachment theory as you think it may help him in his struggle with depression, as that's true. You don't need to tell him in context of your relationship.

Like, if you get a handle on your AP, it's going to really help you with anxiety and stress. It's not like the FA patterns don't contribute to discomfort and depression. Some FAs here have certainly mentioned they have some struggles with that as well, and understanding attachment then gives some more insight into what they're struggling and dealing with.

I feel your being to understanding if you dont mind me saying.
I too have suffered so much abuse in my life but I dont allow that to treat others in the way I have been treated.
You sound like a lovely man but come on, shes an adult and some off us have been thru so much shit but can still show up if we want to for our loved person.