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Post by mezzer on Dec 29, 2019 9:31:42 GMT
first session with a therapist is tomorrow, I don’t think an hour will be long enough.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 29, 2019 9:44:32 GMT
I would guess that she does, she refuses to engage with me when I bring up problems, often just refusing to talk. On the few occasions she has spoken to me about my feelings of abandonment and lack of emotional connection, she has pointed to rare instances when she has acted in a way that I would describe as being good examples of what I would like. This is fine but rather than acknowledge that I want more she is defensive as if to say look this should be enough for you. Right now given my behaviour I don’t feel like I can address this with her, I love her and know I have hurt her even if she doesn’t express it how I would. (She has only cried 4 times in 17 years and once was during child birth.) Right now, I’m not prepared to add to her pain by suggesting she is in any way even partly responsible for my infidelity. I agree, blaming her for your actions is inappropriate. What i'm suggesting is that your feelings and unmet needs have legitimacy, even if you acted on them in a destructive way. Totally agree with serenity mezzer. How you chose to respond to the situation (seeking romantic emotional comfort outside the relationship) is not your wife's fault. Do not blame her for straying, that was fully your decision and responsibility. However, the marriage being unhappy and having problems prior to your emotional affair was because there's a disconnect in how you meet each other's needs and how you work together to communicate and solve problems. You both need to find a way to equally contribute to addressing that disconnect in order to improve the marriage. Again, your feelings and unmet needs are legitimate! But because you've now added a massive breach of trust on top of the existing problems in the marriage, ball is in your wife's court to decide if she can forgive you and if she is willing to put in the effort to fix the other marriage problems. No matter what she chooses, you're doing right by yourself in seeking therapy and learning about your AP attachment style. That will only help you in the long-run. I hope you continue to seek that help out no matter how the situation unfolds with your wife. Good luck with your first session! |
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Post by anne12 on Dec 29, 2019 10:59:38 GMT
I am still curious about this:
"There has been some life shaking events this year which have made me more susceptible that out of respect for my wife i won’t go into, however we fundamentally disagreed on the outcome, but i respected that the decision was ultimately hers to make. I often wish to be treated ..."
To me it sounds like you are living together ?
Sounds like this life shaking event and how you dealt with this as a couple, may have had an impact on your cheating or ?
Was your backdoor more open because of this ?
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Post by mezzer on Dec 30, 2019 8:34:45 GMT
We are still living together, and have two children, 4 things happened in 2019 which contributed to my being more susceptible, I will elaborate on 2, I am by nature a very sociable person,(I realise now this probably is in part due to my AP) I was promoted at work to head of department at the end of last year. Although I have succeeded in my role I came to realise that most of my need for social interaction was coming from work colleagues, as after being promoted many who I would socialise with became withdrawn as the new work dynamic established itself. My affair partner started at the company not long after and being lonely, she provided me with this much needed interaction. The other thing is I am very close to my family and again socialise with them regularly, I lost my last grand parent this year I watched her die which was extremely traumatic for me, I think it made me very needy for a few weeks and again my affair partner responded to me in a manner that made me feel comforted. I need to point out that at this point I felt her more as a friend as she hadn’t expressed any emotional interest in me and although I found her physically attractive I was ok with it. I have maintained friendships with attractive women before without catching feelings.
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Jan 3, 2020 18:06:58 GMT
TED talk by Esther Perel: Rethinking infidelity... a talk for anyone who has ever loved youtu.be/P2AUat93a8Q |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 8, 2020 15:28:29 GMT
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 21, 2020 16:24:25 GMT
Hi Mezzer, I know this is months later-sorry about that- but here is the story I promised to share. I have been with my partner for 15 years. We became engaged after 2 years of dating but never got married. We now have 2 young children. He is a wonderful, supportive partner in practically every way but I do not feel in love with him and have not for many years, if ever. I don’t think we ever had a true spark, at least not from my perspective. About a year and a half ago I decided to contact my high school sweetheart after seeing a post from him on Facebook that suggested he had gone through some major life changes that made me curious. He had recently separated from his wife but now had a girlfriend. We have been in contact ever since on a very regular basis. I have become very AP over the whole thing. He is very committed to his girlfriend and has made it clear when I have attempted once or twice to bring up the question that he does not have any intentions with me. And yet for quite a while I found his messages very mixed. Up until a few months ago we would text each other multiple times a day, and he had said what were to me, some meaningful things, but he claims were just him being flirty when he was drunk. Such as, you are the most beautiful person I have ever known/ I wish I had not broken up with you, etc. We even got into sexting for a while but it was never about us together, if that makes any sense. After I while, I ended that as I didn’t like how it made me feel. I should add that I have not seen this person in 15 years. He broke my heart in highschool and I mean crushed it. We had a one night stand 15 years ago when I asked him if he wanted to get back together and he said no and I have not seen him again in person to this day. ( we live many, many hours apart).. All this time, we have been acting as friends but it really tears me apart because I long for him so much and find it hard to truly believe he has no feelings in return, although intellectually I know this. In the last few months, I feel he has changed. He seems more distant in our text conversations. He doesn’t seem, to me at least, to be putting much effort into the conversation. If I don’t hear from him or if I feel the conversation didn’t go as well as I would like it makes me extremely anxious and it’s practically all I can think about. I feel like the best thing would be for me to stop contact but it kills me. In the meantime, I really don’t know what to do about being with my partner. He is just the secure type that I need, but it has never been a true romantic relationship to me and I am such a romantic myself that it makes me sad to think I will be without that for the rest of my life. That’s all for now. Sorry again for not sharing sooner. I am new to posting on forums. Hi Claire...there is a lot of literature that speaks to the fact that someone who is AP will find someone secure to be “boring” because it will not activate the intermittent approval that feels so much like passion. That is probably why you are so attracted to your ex.....his mixed signals are feeding into that intermittent reinforcement that feels so much like passion. I think most people, if you were to ask them, do not have a passion filled relationship.....they love each other....but they have other hobbies etc where they get their passion fulfilled. The issue for those of us with AP attachment is we truly believe that level of passion can be found in someone else and sustained...we seek it, we crave it....when we do find it....it isn’t in a stable partner...it is usually in another insecure person. When the guy I dated broke up with me...I swear he gave me all kinds of mixed signals....he would tell me how he missed me, how he missed certain things I did for him, how he missed hanging out and cuddling.....these typically occurred when his system was activated....either by boredom or loneliness. I do think, in the moment, he did think those things.....however...he was not saying them to give me hope, he was not saying that he and I would ever get back together.....I was the one who was interpreting them through my AP filter as meaning something....and then I would get confused and disappointed when he would emphasize that we were just friends. Somehow...he could both miss me and not want to be anything more then friends at the same time. That did not work for me....primarily because he and I wanted different things and there just was not going to be a way for us to find a common ground. I love him dearly, would honestly take a bullet for him, would fight any girl who breaks his heart...that is pretty enticing to a man with a very low opinion of himself...but it also very terrifying...especially when he doesn’t have a similar view of me. So....I have had to go no contact as well. Any time I go into missing him mode...I realize that what I miss are the times he made me feel so special, so cared for, so loved....and for some reason I projected on him that he is capable of this 24/7 when the reality is that he was struggling with a poor self image, he was zoning out with alcohol, he was stuck in a job that did not make him happy, he lived with his parents (his dad was really strict and inflicted a lot of physical and emotional pain on him) and he was not (at the time) looking for anything serious. I tend to fall for shadows now...guys that remind me of him. Are you in therapy? I have found that therapy is so important because when I am activated...it is not about the guy...it is not about some great love story I project onto him...it is me trying to get my legitimate needs met through a completely impossible storyline. I find that talking through that storyline with someone else really helps to expose the holes in it....where I am using my imagination to make B seem so much more desirable....and how focusing on him helped me to avoid dealing with my own needs in an effective way. I do wish you well. |
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Post by mezzer on Apr 26, 2020 16:09:13 GMT
Hi tnr9, Wow, thank you so much for responding to my post. I don’t know if I have ever felt so well understood by someone else, truly! Everything you said rang so true for me and is incredibly helpful. I truly appreciate that you took the time  )) Hi claire, I haven't being following this forum as much these days as I found where my problem was, I was limerent for my AP and this made me act crazy with my life. I can give you an update on where I have ended up, as tnr9 above has said, in the new year i continued to receive intermittent reinforcement from my AP which field my limerence. I was essentially addicted to her and couldn't stop myself from reaching out to her. Her feelings for me were intermittent and so when she wanted to feel good about herself she would call and I would go running. I'm ashamed to say this resulted in a brief PA. However this was the time when she decided she didn't want me full time and ended things for good. I am upset but the limerence is fading. This is because I know where I stand. I feel foolish for being used to prop up someone else's self esteem while wrecking my own and potentially ruining my life. I'm still not sure how I feel about my SO, i realise i have legitimate needs that are not being met. What i considered to be love was not, but I'm not sure what real love feels like. I just know I no longer fear losing my SO as I once did. I have a lot of work to do in therapy and am currently taking ADs to help me cope. This is a brief story of what happened but if you want to know more I'm happy to share |
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