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Post by stu on Jan 17, 2020 11:07:30 GMT
So it's been a while since I've been on these boards. I still stay regular contact with some board members but for the most part dont have a need to seek advice for my own situation.
I had an ongoing challenge dating an fa before and had posted her quite a bit about it. But I had moved out of state 3 months ago after the last time I had saw her. She had ghosted me after seriously dating for quite a while. even though we had same friend groups and social circle. Though ar some points we had small contact again before she shut down again, (dancing a couple times/ group chats).
Anyways since moving states I've just been trying to put the whole ordeal behind me and move on with my life. Which feel I've been able to do successfully. Hence not needing to be here either. Anyways this week I had to make a short trip back to my home state to deal with some legal matters.
I went out with friends i hadn't seen in a long while and had a good time but also bumped into ex fa. I should mention here that upon moving I reached out to her a couple times, once to say I changed my number and she could reach me at this one if she ever needed. Another for christmas which she responded.
And after 3 months passed by I sent her one saying "Hey, I know we dont talk much these days. But I'll be in California for a half week pretty soon. And I'd love to get the chance to meet up and do something while there. #### has been fun but I miss you and everyone else there a lot." Which had no response.
I shouldnt have sent the last one but for some reason felt the nudge to do it and did. And for transparency I'll admit it. I dont know what I was thinking with it. When I finally saw her in person yesterday she saw me and immediately froze up and couldn't even look me in the eyes. The rest of the night she acted very stiff and distressed. Would stare at me and then go back to acting like I wasn't there. Until at one point she did something I had never seen her do before ever.
She started sobbing and crying a ton and her friends all went around to comfort her and left early. This is a person who had always kept her emotions locked up, and would never show anyone shes upset and would only ever cry when shes not in an social situation. This was extremely out of character for her so I was curious what exactly it all meant? I've never seen her act like she gave a damn about me the entire time after ghosting me and seemed to just toss me aside without even looking back, so that flip to being out of control of her emotions and losing it from just seeing me in person and not even talking to me kind of blee my mind.
I am much more over her and lost much of my old attachment. Not completely but far more then where I was at before. So I feel okay and dont have a desire not ability to restart anything. Dont even live in the same state anymore. I'm just surprised someone can stone wall me so much, and then ball their eyes out over me. And wanted to understand more about her possible point of view.
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Post by kittygirl on Jan 17, 2020 15:10:37 GMT
Good to see you back and thanks for giving us an update! I have read your story and was curious what the latest was. I think it's hard to attribute a meaning to her behavior since you don't know what's going on in her head and one thing I have learned from reading "surviving to thriving", is that emotional flashbacks can occur sometimes out of nowhere and may not be related directly to anything in the immediate environment. My FA ex cried when we broke up, but it had nothing to do with anything, really. The only insight I could give is something my FA ex was very emotional about and would cause him to cry....maybe she was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness at her inability to connect with people? That was something my ex talked about ALL the time. Sometimes spending time with people who he felt he "should" feel something for but didn't was extremely painful because he felt so lonely and like he would never find it (he would tell me this). I think it's impossible to know, but being an FA (or having C-PTSD) is so painful that sometimes little triggers can cause complete "emotional dysregulation"
And so glad you're in a better place!
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Post by alexandra on Jan 17, 2020 18:14:44 GMT
stu, you know she's an emotionally unstable person. You can't know exactly why she was crying, but it makes sense that an FA and emotionally unstable person will act inconsistently. This may or may not have anything to do with you, but if she can't even communicate with you, there's no need to make it your own headache. Happy to hear you're doing better overall and made a big change!
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 17, 2020 20:26:12 GMT
So it's been a while since I've been on these boards. I still stay regular contact with some board members but for the most part dont have a need to seek advice for my own situation. I had an ongoing challenge dating an fa before and had posted her quite a bit about it. But I had moved out of state 3 months ago after the last time I had saw her. She had ghosted me after seriously dating for quite a while. even though we had same friend groups and social circle. Though ar some points we had small contact again before she shut down again, (dancing a couple times/ group chats). Anyways since moving states I've just been trying to put the whole ordeal behind me and move on with my life. Which feel I've been able to do successfully. Hence not needing to be here either. Anyways this week I had to make a short trip back to my home state to deal with some legal matters. I went out with friends i hadn't seen in a long while and had a good time but also bumped into ex fa. I should mention here that upon moving I reached out to her a couple times, once to say I changed my number and she could reach me at this one if she ever needed. Another for christmas which she responded. And after 3 months passed by I sent her one saying "Hey, I know we dont talk much these days. But I'll be in California for a half week pretty soon. And I'd love to get the chance to meet up and do something while there. #### has been fun but I miss you and everyone else there a lot." Which had no response. I shouldnt have sent the last one but for some reason felt the nudge to do it and did. And for transparency I'll admit it. I dont know what I was thinking with it. When I finally saw her in person yesterday she saw me and immediately froze up and couldn't even look me in the eyes. The rest of the night she acted very stiff and distressed. Would stare at me and then go back to acting like I wasn't there. Until at one point she did something I had never seen her do before ever. She started sobbing and crying a ton and her friends all went around to comfort her and left early. This is a person who had always kept her emotions locked up, and would never show anyone shes upset and would only ever cry when shes not in an social situation. This was extremely out of character for her so I was curious what exactly it all meant? I've never seen her act like she gave a damn about me the entire time after ghosting me and seemed to just toss me aside without even looking back, so that flip to being out of control of her emotions and losing it from just seeing me in person and not even talking to me kind of blee my mind. I am much more over her and lost much of my old attachment. Not completely but far more then where I was at before. So I feel okay and dont have a desire not ability to restart anything. Dont even live in the same state anymore. I'm just surprised someone can stone wall me so much, and then ball their eyes out over me. And wanted to understand more about her possible point of view. Be careful Stu, there is clearly attachment here, because there is "assumption" she is crying over you, because it happened in front of you. You've been through multiple cycles. If you don't detach, same will happen again. I'd say, it's just the same story in here every single time (in fact I don't think the premise of a secure attached individual being able to garner trust over time would ever work) without serious work, therapy and reading into how to get to the core of the trauma in that persons life that has led to being fearful in the first place, and removing that negative inner voice, the push-pull will always be there. You're locked into that cycle now, you're not someone fresh she thinks everything will be different with, due to her not understanding herself baseline. It's the same with my ex. If I had not mentioned anything, she is totally unaware of her behaviour, she knows the pulling away is not good and apologised, but has no idea of the trigger/flashback. She has some idea now about her attachment style that she can delve into, because I took the risk and told her. You would have to suspect she has done/is doing the exact same behaviour with the guy she was dating before you left. It would be exactly the same, and now he is in the same space you are, in a push-pull, and never to see the dizzying heights of the honeymoon phase. Guaranteed! Be there as a friend only if you wish, but you know deep down, it's going to be the same intermittent reinforcement etc |
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Post by amber on Jan 17, 2020 21:08:12 GMT
It’s hard to know why she was crying but I was just reading a book about avoidant attachment and one of the authors who is an attachment therapist says that the emotional reactions that people have happen from the level of the autonomic nervous system...meaning they are automatic and out of our control. I remember Stan tatkin (attachment expert therapist/researcher) statin something along the lines of that the human brain operates largely based on memory. In order to learn how to do things automatically like drive a car, walk, etc, we have to remember the past and link it with the present. So she is likely over coupling and linking some old past event with you and getting emo about it. It’s at the basic level of the nervous system/limbic brain. Knowing this helps me understand that you can’t fogure these people out logically as they are almost always responding from the automatic, outside awareness part of themselves (like all of us really, except those with trauma react in ways that arnt always functional or healthy!)
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Post by stu on Jan 17, 2020 22:02:59 GMT
Thanks for the responses everyone, I think it's very helpful to remember there is no real way to know for sure why she was doing that. I just thought it would have felt that I did actually have some kind of impact on her if she was crying over me because once the ghosting started it just felt like she just wrote me off without even a second thought or care. Which blew my mind that someone could lose all attachment and feeling that easily.
I am definitely not trying to get back with her, nor would it happen even if I wanted to because she doesnt talk to me at all, and also I live in a completely separate state for the time being. All I did want from her at this point was some kind of talking/closure to feel like things didnt just end in such a shitty way. And yes I will admit again my own attachment is still there. But I am still trying to work through that and get fully over it. Moving helped a ton and I do feel wo much better already then I did before I left and was constantly bumping into her all the time. I've just never had things end in such an awful way before or ever been treated that badly. That it all made me extremely frustrated and confused as to why it felt like we had such a deep and genuine connection if she could act how she did after.
Thanks again for all the responses and support!
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Post by serenity on Jan 18, 2020 4:19:51 GMT
Hi Stu! Good to see you around here again. I hope you had some good times during the holidays and New Year celebrations too!
I totally feel for you; its hard to have such a strong connection with someone you get on great with, then they flake on you romantically, and can't even show up properly as a friend. Its sounds like you've done well with the move and getting past the roller coaster of feelings at least.
Hard to know what to make of her behaviour. Sounds like she seriously dissociates from her feelings, then she melts down if triggered? You never know, could be some PMS involved too, lol.
She probably did love you Stu, the best she was able. And its likely she's still grieving, since she just replaced you with someone else instead of processing things. I can say as someone who has stayed friends with my FA exes, the weirdness with communication can settle down eventually, but they grieve so much slower than us, if at all. You might feel mostly past it, whereas her feelings are not yet platonic.
I hope things get better with time, it would be a shame to lose the connection completely due to her flakiness.
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Post by amber on Jan 18, 2020 4:41:00 GMT
Hi Stu! Good to see you around here again. I hope you had some good times during the holidays and New Year celebrations too! I totally feel for you; its hard to have such a strong connection with someone you get on great with, then they flake on you romantically, and can't even show up properly as a friend. Its sounds like you've done well with the move and getting past the roller coaster of feelings at least. Hard to know what to make of her behaviour. Sounds like she seriously dissociates from her feelings, then she melts down if triggered? You never know, could be some PMS involved too, lol. She probably did love you Stu, the best she was able. And its likely she's still grieving, since she just replaced you with someone else instead of processing things. I can say as someone who has stayed friends with my FA exes, the weirdness with communication can settle down eventually, but they grieve so much slower than us, if at all. You might feel mostly past it, whereas her feelings are not yet platonic. I hope things get better with time, it would be a shame to lose the connection completely due to her flakiness. Interesting you say this serenity. You didn’t see any of your ex’s grieve, or just very slowly?when I saw my ex last week he said he hadn’t cried at all in the two months since we split but was drinking a lot etc and beating himself up over how he ended things. He told me once when we had taken MDMA that he had been holding onto the grief of his dad leaving when he was a child his whole life. I guess this goes hand in hand with the disassociation and numbing? |
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