aguy
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Post by aguy on Mar 5, 2020 9:09:45 GMT
I had a live in girlfriend for several years. One day I was surprised to find that she had taken her belongings and left just a note behind and it said to not contact her.
I realize I have some things to apologize for how I had treated her. Also I didn't do a good job of showing how important she was to me. I also realized that she is FA.
I've been in NC for 2 months and haven't heard from her. Would it make sense to send an apology for not treating her better and tell her that I miss her? After all, since she just left a note, I haven't gotten to respond in any way. I think she is thinking she wasn't as important to me as she was due to being FA.
I know the odds aren't great, but I want to leave the door open for reconciliation. I know I would treat her better if we got back together.
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Post by stu on Mar 5, 2020 10:51:57 GMT
I had a live in girlfriend for several years. One day I was surprised to find that she had taken her belongings and left just a note behind and it said to not contact her. I realize I have some things to apologize for how I had treated her. Also I didn't do a good job of showing how important she was to me. I also realized that she is FA. I've been in NC for 2 months and haven't heard from her. Would it make sense to send an apology for not treating her better and tell her that I miss her? After all, since she just left a note, I haven't gotten to respond in any way. I think she is thinking she wasn't as important to me as she was due to being FA. I know the odds aren't great, but I want to leave the door open for reconciliation. I know I would treat her better if we got back together. How do you know shes fa? And did you do anything that was damaging to her? Or were you not attentive enough? There's a lot of variable here that could be up to different suggestions of what would be best if they were known. Send her a message and let her know that if it's how you feel. But if you were in anyway doing things to damage her self esteem then dont contact her again and work on whatever challenges you have that caused you to do that. |
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aguy
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Posts: 23
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Post by aguy on Mar 7, 2020 17:21:37 GMT
It's pretty clear she has FA once I read about it. It was mostly that I didn't show her that she was appreciated. Also I would get mad at her. Also our communication wasn't very good. I know I can do a better job with those if we got back together.
My question is if I want to get back together would I would be better off sending a detailed message about how I'm sorry and miss her, or just some light-hearted message. I assume that indefinite no contact doesn't work well with a FA who felt neglected.
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Post by dhali on Mar 7, 2020 17:51:39 GMT
Well, this place doesn’t typically focus on getting back together as a healthy thing. The conventional wisdom is that you’re hosed in a relationship with this person. they have a ton of work to do to be relationship worthy. That takes years. This place is littered with failed comeback stories. Each one professing their knowledge of the psychology will help them navigate the choppy waters. Sadly, it doesn’t work that way.
My suggestion? Disappear as if you never existed. Reassess in 4 months. If they get in touch with you before then, stay disappeared. That also means don’t ever look at their socials. Ever. Post here in that time, but don’t give in. If you give in, you’re back in the toxic dance. And they likely will just string you along anyhow.... this is part of the dance. I would also expect a cycle back because of your new found self-respect. Or seeming self respect. It’s all so unhealthy.
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Post by mrob on Mar 7, 2020 17:55:36 GMT
Exactly what dhali said. In that three months it might be worth looking at what attachment style you have. Avoidants seldom operate in a vacuum. |
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aguy
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Post by aguy on Mar 7, 2020 18:15:09 GMT
She does have issues, but I wouldn't say it was toxic. I did take her for granted, and I know I can do a better job on my end if we got back together.
The last time I saw her, she really wanted to spend more time with me, but I was sick and needed to go to sleep. I was also probably cranky because I was sick and tired. I think she interpreted this badly. She said she would miss me in her breakup note. Because of this, I feel like indefinite contact is not the best method if I want to get back together.
It has been 2 months already, and since she just left a note, she has not gotten any reaction from me to the breakup. Normally one gets a reaction because they broke up in a way for the other partner to respond. So my case is different than most in that she might really think she didn't mean much to me without any sort of reaction on my end.
I am either secure or anxious.
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Post by dhali on Mar 7, 2020 18:39:05 GMT
Your anxious attachment style is screaming in this thread. Unfortunately, I don’t think any of us can help you in this “get back” stage. Stick around. Read a bunch of the threads. All so unhealthy.
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aguy
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Posts: 23
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Post by aguy on Mar 7, 2020 18:51:20 GMT
Post breakup I have been more of an anxious type. I know we're probably not getting back together. But I want to do what is best for that chance. I feel I would have to reach out to her since she doesn't realize how important she was to me. Also, she probably assumes that I'm mad at her, and would want to avoid talking to me for that.
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Post by dhali on Mar 7, 2020 19:22:08 GMT
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Post by amber on Mar 7, 2020 20:28:33 GMT
Well, this place doesn’t typically focus on getting back together as a healthy thing. The conventional wisdom is that you’re hosed in a relationship with this person. they have a ton of work to do to be relationship worthy. That takes years. This place is littered with failed comeback stories. Each one professing their knowledge of the psychology will help them navigate the choppy waters. Sadly, it doesn’t work that way. My suggestion? Disappear as if you never existed. Reassess in 4 months. If they get in touch with you before then, stay disappeared. That also means don’t ever look at their socials. Ever. Post here in that time, but don’t give in. If you give in, you’re back in the toxic dance. And they likely will just string you along anyhow.... this is part of the dance. I would also expect a cycle back because of your new found self-respect. Or seeming self respect. It’s all so unhealthy. You’re suggesting four months as that’s about how long it takes to break the addiction yes? |
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Post by Helsbells on Mar 7, 2020 20:59:45 GMT
Post breakup I have been more of an anxious type. I know we're probably not getting back together. But I want to do what is best for that chance. I feel I would have to reach out to her since she doesn't realize how important she was to me. Also, she probably assumes that I'm mad at her, and would want to avoid talking to me for that. @guy, I would really take on board the sound advice you are given hear. I went from unaware in the beginning off the relationship with my ex fa. Reacted badly to the lack of presence and emotional maturity he showed up with. Then during a split became aware and did tons off work on myself. Gave all the space he needed, gave all the love he needed, gave all the attention he needed, was loyal, supportive and easy going, which what I thought he needed...... The result was still the same. The only difference instead of deactivating and running every month like in my unaware days. He managed 6mths off consistency in my aware days.... but alas he still bolted and blind sided me. Baring in mind the same morning of the day he bolted, he professed his love for me and was so happy with everything in the relationship. So sorry to be brutal, but if she is a proper FA and unaware the prospects of a healthy secure, mature intimate relationship are near to none. Best of luck. |
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aguy
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Posts: 23
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Post by aguy on Mar 7, 2020 21:11:14 GMT
Post breakup I have been more of an anxious type. I know we're probably not getting back together. But I want to do what is best for that chance. I feel I would have to reach out to her since she doesn't realize how important she was to me. Also, she probably assumes that I'm mad at her, and would want to avoid talking to me for that. @guy, I would really take on board the sound advice you are given hear. I went from unaware in the beginning off the relationship with my ex fa. Reacted badly to the lack of presence and emotional maturity he showed up with. Then during a split became aware and did tons off work on myself. Gave all the space he needed, gave all the love he needed, gave all the attention he needed, was loyal, supportive and easy going, which what I thought he needed...... The result was still the same. The only difference instead of deactivating and running every month like in my unaware days. He managed 6mths off consistency in my aware days.... but alas he still bolted and blind sided me. Baring in mind the same morning of the day he bolted, he professed his love for me and was so happy with everything in the relationship. So sorry to be brutal, but if she is a proper FA and unaware the prospects of a healthy secure, mature intimate relationship are near to none. Best of luck. She definitely had a lot of FA traits of fearfulness, depression, having trouble communicating about emotional things, wanting a lot of space, but also wanting to spend a lot of time together sometimes. We lived together for 6 years, so there was a lot of overall consistency. The thing is that I didn't really show her that I loved or appreciated her enough. I don't know if she can change since I understand that can be a real challenge for a FA, but I know I can. I had an earlier relationship where I showed more love and appreciation, so I know I can do it. So it would be different if we got back together. |
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Post by Helsbells on Mar 7, 2020 21:45:49 GMT
@guy, I would really take on board the sound advice you are given hear. I went from unaware in the beginning off the relationship with my ex fa. Reacted badly to the lack of presence and emotional maturity he showed up with. Then during a split became aware and did tons off work on myself. Gave all the space he needed, gave all the love he needed, gave all the attention he needed, was loyal, supportive and easy going, which what I thought he needed...... The result was still the same. The only difference instead of deactivating and running every month like in my unaware days. He managed 6mths off consistency in my aware days.... but alas he still bolted and blind sided me. Baring in mind the same morning of the day he bolted, he professed his love for me and was so happy with everything in the relationship. So sorry to be brutal, but if she is a proper FA and unaware the prospects of a healthy secure, mature intimate relationship are near to none. Best of luck. She definitely had a lot of FA traits of fearfulness, depression, having trouble communicating about emotional things, wanting a lot of space, but also wanting to spend a lot of time together sometimes. We lived together for 6 years, so there was a lot of overall consistency. The thing is that I didn't really show her that I loved or appreciated her enough. I don't know if she can change since I understand that can be a real challenge for a FA, but I know I can. I had an earlier relationship where I showed more love and appreciation, so I know I can do it. So it would be different if we got back together. Did she say your lack off attention was the reason for the split. Were you un happy because you felt lack and that is why you became distant and didnt show her enough. I honestly felt very much lack in my relationship. That made me pull away and distant myself from him. I think he picked up on that as he new he wasnt able to give me the needs of a fulfilling relationship. He has been cheated on in the past, probably because his partners felt the lack. I think he bolted out of fear of abandonment. |
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aguy
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Posts: 23
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Post by aguy on Mar 7, 2020 22:01:58 GMT
She definitely had a lot of FA traits of fearfulness, depression, having trouble communicating about emotional things, wanting a lot of space, but also wanting to spend a lot of time together sometimes. We lived together for 6 years, so there was a lot of overall consistency. The thing is that I didn't really show her that I loved or appreciated her enough. I don't know if she can change since I understand that can be a real challenge for a FA, but I know I can. I had an earlier relationship where I showed more love and appreciation, so I know I can do it. So it would be different if we got back together. Did she say your lack off attention was the reason for the split. Were you un happy because you felt lack and that is why you became distant and didnt show her enough. I honestly felt very much lack in my relationship. That made me pull away and distant myself from him. I think he picked up on that as he new he wasnt able to give me the needs of a fulfilling relationship. He has been cheated on in the past, probably because his partners felt the lack. I think he bolted out of fear of abandonment. She said I wasn't loving enough, and also mentioned my getting mad sometimes, plus she assumed I wouldn't want to have kids (we had never discussed that). She really wanted to spend more time with me the last time I saw her before I went to sleep. Her note made it quite clear that she would miss me. Yes, I think I wasn't more loving with her because she was distant at times, and didn't understand why she was different from my previous girlfriend. I realize now it's because she was FA. I think my ex was afraid of abandonment as well. I should note that I had the flu for the last week of the relationship, and someone not taking that into account may have misjudged things. She was also annoyed at me for having gotten the flu from me. I was thinking of apologizing for that too in the message I might send her, but I don't want to over apologize. I'm sure it made it harder on both of us that we were quite sick when the relationship ended. |
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Post by dhali on Mar 7, 2020 22:30:18 GMT
Amber- I do t know the exact time. But four months will give him time to learn about all of this. Read the stuff here. By then, he may still be hung up, but he’ll understand that it’s futile. It’s a losing game of whack a mole. Assuming she is indeed avoidant.
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