Think the FA pattern clicked for me

I think the analysis of the why he behaves as he does is a distraction from feeling the pain it causes in the relationship.

Why would you trust someone who is behaving erratically, who says he wants a relationship and then swings between avoidance and presence, between intimacy and withdrawal? That behaviour would trigger distress in most people - at least those who want a relationship based on openness, presence and a sense of safety in the others company.

I can feel you want to figure it out, to make a plan, to feel somehow in control but I don't think that's how these things work however comfortable that may seem. No amount of plans and figuring is going to change the fact that someone with unresolved attachment issues is not going to be able to be emotionally present and safe in a relationship for any length of time.

My question instead would be how can you be kind and compassionate to yourself?

Trust comes over time when a person's behaviour has matched their words, their intentions have been sincere and stable and when you know they are there for you no matter how you show up and are grown up enough to manage their wounds.

My FA partner doesn't throw compliments around easily which does always make me think they're very sincere I guess in comparison to other guys I've dated that have thrown them around too much in the beginning. And I do give a lot of compliments, but that's just how I am when I'm happy and I feel happy around him. I'll compliment random people on the street — FA has seen this... plus also I guess because I know he struggles with self-esteem and because I care about him, I want him to realize he's not this terrible person he thinks he is. So yeh now that I think about it, last week, I gave like three weirdish compliments then pushed about his birthday... I didn't mean any harm by it, I was just be sincere, but we have had trouble before when he thought I wasn't being sincere when I actually was... actually that was the first "severe" reaction last summer... hindsight is so much easier to see...

I can relate to the "more than he loved himself thing too" — once last summer (a couple of weeks after that first reaction incident to misunderstanding me) he said something negative about himself, and I said "I think you underestimate yourself" and he said "I think you overestimate me" which I just replied "nah, I just can see what you can't right now" — that actually didn't trigger him and seemed to make him feel better, but yeh, along the same lines.

So for the facades — yes, I think so and what I've read supports that FAs and CPTSD ppl both are prone to putting on masks, hiding true self, etc. I would argue though that all insecurely attached individuals do this — I've done this to a smaller degree, it's just I don't have much ability to hide things for too long so I have a hard time "being fake" or "acting happy when I'm not" in person etc, but I do the blending in thing that APs and some FAs do. I've read a bunch about FAs' masks being so strong, that that's another reason why they get so fearful of someone getting close — basically then that person would see them for them and surely not like them. I believe Jeb talks about this himself on the site or in the book at least. A lot of CPTSD ppl seem to do it as a survival mechanism or coping because of bullying, abuse, neglect if they were their true self etc.

With my FA partner, I've seen several sides of him that no one else has — he's said this and it's obvious when we're out with others he knows — and I think it scares him that I'm not rejecting that. Any time almost he's been more vulnerable than usual, etc, he seems to pull back almost seeming to expect me to abandon him.

re: relationship — it is somewhat... but like 3 steps forward, 2 back and sometimes more back. I really struggle with the not communicating when things are rough for him — but we've talked about solutions, and now typing this out, I realize I do this too I guess but just try to hid it vs. isolate — he's seen me completely overwhelmed with anxiety like two months ago — and he didn't really know what to say, but he would hold my hand and it was powerful to be understood in a way and comforted the best he could.

Anyways, he's not currently in therapy — it's been briefly broached and I think he's headed in a direction where he's getting more open to the idea, but he's not actively. I would never tell someone they have to go to therapy, as when people have told me that I've been like f you — but it's probably not going to work unless both of us are working on ourselves, and like you said, I can't do 80% all the time. It's tough because there's been positive movements and then a lot of stuckness too. And it gets tough on me when anxiety overall flares up for me, like recently.

Wow...just wow....I sooooo needed this today.

I suppose regarding trust, I agree that emotional and physical distance arouses a ton of mistrust. Some of it can be because of what we read into it, some of it can be because we are dodging around being vulnerable ourselves, and failing to clearly express the emotional impact of their behaviour, and what we really need. I believe you can't build deep trust without vulnerability.

Caroline expressed in a very vulnerable way recently, that ignoring her messages hurts her. I think this might have been the first time Caroline had the courage to express herself authentically, in a vulnerable way in this relationship. And he stopped ignoring her messages, which I see as a small win.

I think asking someone to "work on themselves" or ending a relationship because unexpressed needs are not being met, is probably dodging out of being vulnerable and direct about how you feel and what you actually need. These are hard things to do, but I think this would be a prudent first step.

If he won't meet you half way (regular date nights, some consistent contact), and he continues to show lack of care for the emotional impact of his actions, then that's the time to break up IMO.

I think a big part of it for me is balancing and learning how much I'm reading into things in a negative light. It taints everything, makes things more dramatic and draining than they need to be. It's really hard to tell what's me doing this and what's actually causing this. Which also makes having conversations harder, not to mention not wanting to nag, be needy, etc. Serenity is right, that was the first time I expressed my needs in a very vulnerable way, and he did change. So it's like, how much of this is me not communicating, and how much of it is him? I've communicated some on other fronts and am better in person at doing this, but I guess it's also doing it in a way that shows I'm serious. 

My friend also said correctly that she really doubts he knows the emotional impact, not because I'm fake necessarily, but because it's my nature to swash that down or downplay it with everyone. As I've always been told my emotions are too strong, too sensitive, etc... so part of that is on me. Sure, I'll write on the forum, talk to you all, rant to my friends, etc, but does he see any of that? Know much of that? Absolutely not.