Post by vyr7872 on Mar 16, 2020 13:31:00 GMT
I am a 24F with a fearful-avoidant attachment style. I have been sleeping with someone I met at work for the past two months (we've known each other about 8 months total). While I am usually extremely detached from people I sleep with, I have come to like this person very much. I have not felt this way since I was very young, about 15 years old , when I met my now ex. I still keep in touch with this ex due to the extremity of the attachment I have to him.
He recently (a few months ago) broke up with someone who cheated on him, and for that reason (plus other reasons including focusing on his career) is not looking for a relationship. I have not genuinely dated any other person since the aforementioned ex approx. 10 years ago (that is, I leave everyone I meet after a couple of months because they feel suffocating or make me afraid - I don't have many friends for the same reason). I have difficulty trusting partly from being sexually assaulted multiple times, and my attachment to this coworker is very strong because he felt exceptionally safe to me at first (attentive, considerate of my feelings). I also have a habit of sleeping with strangers and a rather high sex drive, so while it's excruciating that the person I like doesn't want a relationship with me (he still loves his ex and talks about her all the time, especially to me because he feels comfortable confiding in me), I don't want to have to stop having sex with him. I realize it will probably be detrimental in the long run because of how much I like him. He has clearly expressed that he is not able to give me the level of deep connection and commitment that I want from him (I have difficulty admitting I even want this, but I do). Should I just cut off contact with him entirely? I am afraid I will relapse into unhealthy ways of trying to connect to people. I also have chronic depression and being around him helps somewhat, even if all the affection is essentially an illusion. Is it possible to adjust my expectations to make casual sex work with him, or am I fooling myself into taking the crumbs of love I feel I get from him, even if it's not the real thing? Is getting hurt better than being alone?
He recently (a few months ago) broke up with someone who cheated on him, and for that reason (plus other reasons including focusing on his career) is not looking for a relationship. I have not genuinely dated any other person since the aforementioned ex approx. 10 years ago (that is, I leave everyone I meet after a couple of months because they feel suffocating or make me afraid - I don't have many friends for the same reason). I have difficulty trusting partly from being sexually assaulted multiple times, and my attachment to this coworker is very strong because he felt exceptionally safe to me at first (attentive, considerate of my feelings). I also have a habit of sleeping with strangers and a rather high sex drive, so while it's excruciating that the person I like doesn't want a relationship with me (he still loves his ex and talks about her all the time, especially to me because he feels comfortable confiding in me), I don't want to have to stop having sex with him. I realize it will probably be detrimental in the long run because of how much I like him. He has clearly expressed that he is not able to give me the level of deep connection and commitment that I want from him (I have difficulty admitting I even want this, but I do). Should I just cut off contact with him entirely? I am afraid I will relapse into unhealthy ways of trying to connect to people. I also have chronic depression and being around him helps somewhat, even if all the affection is essentially an illusion. Is it possible to adjust my expectations to make casual sex work with him, or am I fooling myself into taking the crumbs of love I feel I get from him, even if it's not the real thing? Is getting hurt better than being alone?
