DA Ex Boyfriend and Children Mar 22, 2020 2:11:05 GMT
Post by mb on Mar 22, 2020 2:11:05 GMT
This is my first time posting, I've gotten so much insight from this website so i have to thank all of you. I realized that my now Ex DA boyfriend ticked most of the boxes about 8 months ago- this website actually helped me with avoiding some pitfalls, but ultimately we broke up anyway. For sure I am more AP, but was getting some understanding of my own behavior by reading the AP threads and also by getting Jeb's book "Attached" which helped me too.
The issue I am having right now has to do with my 12 year old daughter whom my DA developed a close bond with during the 2 years we were together. He seems to show many of the signs of DA- push/pull, sabotaging when things are good, denial of accountability with issues, the phantom ex, not expressing love, walking ahead, inconsistent libido, using the priority list. The only thing he was consistent with was his interactions with my daughter. He is divorced 3 years after a 20 year marriage and although he is a very financially supportive father to his two teenage kids, they dont seem to look to him for much emotional support. For years he has lived very far away from them, and although he seems to be regretful of that, I know he goes several weeks without contacting them so I wonder if at this point that's by their design also. He has said several times that he talks more to my daughter than his own kids.
He broke up with me about 4 months ago arguably due to long distance, although I have doubts the relationship would've worked long term anyway because I know I would have eventually begun to call him out more on his DA tendencies and my AP would probably get worse. He was in the US on a work visa and ended up having to go home due to his company going bankrupt about 8 months ago. We tried to make it work long distance, I went to visit with him in his country, but the truth is he never actually asked me if I would consider moving and never made any inclinations to try to stay here. He also behaved in relationship sabotaging ways while I was there, rarely initiating sex. I was surprised when he came back to visit over Thanksgiving but about 2 weeks in he announced that he wanted us to end things after he went home. He told my daughter that our romantic relationship was over (without asking me first if that's how I wanted to handle it btw) but that we were going to be friends and he wanted to stay in contact with her and would always be there for her. She seemed to appreciate that as she has a very limited relationship with her own father and I trusted his interactions with her.
Literally the day after he arrived back home he started pushing me to date other people, I told him I would when I was ready. We stayed in almost daily contact- albeit mostly on my initiative of course-but the affection and flirtation were gone and and he would periodically make comments about getting on Tinder, looking for a New Years Eve hookup, etc-in other words exercising his new freedom and telling me I should do the same. I told him I felt we should keep that information to ourselves but let the other know if we found someone we wanted to get serious with. He started to send signals that it was bothering him that I wasn't moving on quicker but I knew if I told him I was out there again, he would use that as an excuse to never reconcile, so I felt like I was in a box.
During this time he maintained his own separate contact with my daughter, a few times a week they would converse on Whatsapp also. I started to casually date but never said anything to him about it. Then suddenly he got very cold with me, it turns out he asked her if I was out on a "hot date" and she said "no" but indicated I was starting to meet people. I didnt hear from him for two weeks after that, but he continued to maintain his regular contact with her, while giving her the impression he wasn't speaking with me by asking her questions like "how is your mom doing?". When she questioned him about this, he just said "I don't know why we're not talking much as before, just busy with work" He called me immediately afterwards and acted like things were normal but they weren't because he continued to distance himself after that. He would play games on Whatapp, like turn off read receipts to messages, not respond when we were both online, etc. Eventually I sent him a text telling him that I didn't want to pressure him to stay in contact, he could reach out to me when he wanted but I would no longer be initiating communication, and I understood he and my daughter were close and that it was OK if he touched base with her every once in a while. I realize now leaving that option open was a mistake. Since then he has gone no contact with me, but stays in touch with her once or twice a week. I asked her how she would feel if we ended our friendship and she also had to stop communicating with him and she said that it would make her feel badly as she sees him as a stepfather of sorts and that she just wanted us all to stay friends. She is a tween and doesn't think much about all this, is busy with her own friends and life, saying "Hi" to him is just a casual thing for her, especially if I don't act like I'm affected by it either. And I know that if I told him to stay away from her, he would respect that. But I'm wondering why he would entirely cut all contact with me, but maintain communication with my daughter...what could possibly be his intentions, especially since he broke up with me? I'm sure if I demanded an answer, he'd say he was trying to do the right thing by my daughter by not suddenly cutting off contact with her too after they became close, but this all seems very strange. Why wouldn't he want to make sure we are at least friends? Is this protest behavior? When I try to talk to him, he just said he needs time and space and ends the communication quickly, but I wonder if he is trying to leave a door open through her.