Is this Healthy?

Hi...welcome.....I know there are free tests online and it may be worth exploring that avenue.  I agree with your assessment of this man you met....he does not sound safe and to say what he did about his daughter indicates that his view is from “what works best for me” as opposed to “what works best for me, you and us”.  I don’t think it is a child fantasy to want to feel protected and safe.  I think there are men who can provide you with that.

Hi seeking , I've asked myself these questions before. I don't have a kid though, but I was quite tormented over whether or not my needs are legitimate or fantasy. My conclusions are as follows:

If your deep longing for protection is driving behaviors exerted on other people, it is very unhealthy. For example, you might have resented him for not giving you protection, and end up calling him names and blaming him for the pandemic and pushing him incessantly to take his kids out of school. Your need for protection = making him do the work > that is not healthy. However, you recognised that it triggered your sense of alarm and that it was antithesis to your needs for protection/security, and if it made you take a step back to re-evaluate him/the rship, I think that's healthy.

I think nyc718 is right too.. the ability to manage/control your own outcomes/be your own protector is super important. Having the ability to do so, and KNOWING that you have this ability, will give you alot of security and help you differentiate a healthy need vs an unhealthy fantasy. Having confidence in yourself to protect yourself will allow you to take a step back from anyone who does not easily serve this need and will prevent you from enacting unhealthy behaviors.

Everyone has different needs, and yours are high on protection/security. The only thing I can say is to honor those needs by developing your own skills and abilities so that you aren't depending on others to provide it (which is a nightmare waiting to happen) and then finding someone who is willing and able to serve those needs in a natural and willing fashion. Do that for yourself, and you will find that you will do it for others as well, and it'll be wonderful when you do find a good partner whom you can be a good partner for.

I don’t think it’s a problem to be looking for that - if you’re upfront. Families come in all shapes and sizes. In a family, there are always tasks to be done. The luxury we have in 2020 is that we can choose who does them. I was a stay at home dad who worked weekends for a couple of years. Best years of my life, without a doubt.

There are sacrifices. You’ll never have the level of financial wealth with only one person working depending on your class (dirty word in my part of the world, but truth nonetheless), so you may not be able to have the big house, modern cars, etc. You will be on your own a lot of the time if there’s overtime to do, and so on. And, of course, there’s always the risk that he will burn out in some way and you’ll be left high and dry with a skill set that won’t sustain you outside the home.

Big questions, but, in 2020 we can mix it up.

Thank you.

In all fairness to him, and just to be clear, this isn't his bio-daughter and she lives with another family. But still. It wasn't a "easier for me" it was more "this whole pandemic thing is over-blown." But if we lived together, that just wouldn't work for me. Overblown or not, I'm taking precautions.

Dating is surely an assessment of compatibility. Nothing wrong with dating and making a decision.

I don't think it's necessarily the same, but whether or not it is depends on YOU. It might manifest in the same way e.g., man must earn $xxx, but the motivation behind that "requirement" may be different. In any case, you need to know yourself what "protection" means - this again differs for different people, and it's a matter of fit. For example, inferring from what you've said it sounds like you want someone who is aware of dangers and errs on the side of caution. Well, I want that too because I have a medical history and I cannot be with men who don't take that as a priority. Wanting a partner who is protective and safe is a relatively normal thing, but the motivations, how protection looks like, and what you do to get protection are what deserves your attention in your evaluation of healthiness. 

Protection that comes from yourself can show up different ways. For example, being able to collect good information and detail on how to manage covid if you suspect someone's got it - do you have phone numbers? do you know what the local procedure is? It can look like budgeting skills - are you able to calculate and budget a weekly meal plan for the next 3 weeks in an event of a lock down? Do you have enough fridge space and if not, are you making some? Are you taking note of what your neighbors/colleagues/friends/family are doing and are you distancing yourself from them sufficiently to protect yourself and child? Are you willing and able to walk away from a relationship if it does not work out? Are you able to go to a bank and talk to a financial planner to invest some money somewhere even if it's for a small return? What are your childcare plans if you remove your kid from school if it hasn't shut down yet? I'm just rambling here, but self-protection really just looks like... "if I'm alone in the world, how do I take care of myself?" Wanting someone to join in those efforts and wanting someone to take the burden off you are very different, and I think there's NOTHING wrong with wanting a partner. there's something wrong in wanting to outsource your responsibility, but it doesn't sound like that's what you want. 

We all have a duty to ourselves to find the best possible care out there, aside from providing it ourselves. If you know that you can provide it yourself to yourself (and kid), then you should be assured that finding a partner requires you to assess how these individuals contribute to that self-protection. it will not be a process of finding someone else to give you that protection; it's just finding someone to add to it. The emotional mechanisms and experiences are also quite different. The former comes from a place of fear and anxiety while the latter comes from a place of neutrality and calmness. 

I'm just reading your original post as well - there is a tone of loneliness/aloneness and feeling that you have no support at all. I think having those thoughts are legitimate, and a good time to think of yourself for yourself! You are feeling unsupported by those around you - have they really been unsupportive? if they aren't all that great, maybe you need to be re-evaluating how you conduct your relationships and with whom? Working through all of these things is a form of self-protection as well because you are taking charge of your own life and social support networks. Being able to deal with this emotionally and cognitively will also help against projecting these desires in dating, because you're not outsourcing this desire for someone to fulfill. You are there for yourself and you are now equipped with awareness and knowledge on how to assess a potential partner for emotional availability, because you have practiced it on yourself and also evaluated others using those tools. Doing this does not mean that you magically stop being an exhausted worried weary working mum looking for a stable and supportive man - it just means that you're an exhausted worried weary working mum looking for a stable and supportive man in an aware and conscious fashion without projecting and outsourcing these issues to him! 

seeking - It’s perfectly normal and natural for a woman to want to be with a man who makes her feel safe and protected. It’s one of women’s basic needs. (Who would want to be with a man who makes them feel unsafe or threatened?)

Yes, there is a big difference between wanting a man who makes you feel safe vs wanting a man to rescue or save you. The latter is an unhealthy fairy tale; however, a safe, reliable and protective partner is one who comes from a secure and healthy place and has the potential to be a good partner.