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Post by ocarina on Apr 5, 2020 10:05:39 GMT
Hello
I am not here much any more, am a key worker in the UK and life is serious, difficult, challenging and profound.
What I have been feeling more and more is that in these times of crisis, how petty and unnecessary were my years of trying to fit in with avoidant partners - and my years of being avoidant myself. What all of us need is love, accessible, available, presence, kindness and compassion delivered in a way that is consistent and trust worthy.
I just have no time left for the people who for whatever reason cannot or will not face their demons and in doing so have gone through life behaving in ways that were hurtful to me and to other people. My hanging around and being tolerant didn't heal them and it damaged me and made me less available for the people around me.
Funnily enough a couple of them have surfaced in the last few days - and I just don't know what to say. I can't pretend to be fine with it any more. |
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Post by anne12 on Apr 5, 2020 10:50:28 GMT
Hi Ocarina 🙂
To the people from your past who contacts you:
Can you tell them how you feel. What they ment to you in your earlier life and now you have moved on and now you need something different in your life and you thank them and wish them well ?
Take care
❤️
You can also do the exercise in healing your broken heart thread where you end the relationship on an energitec level
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Post by ocarina on Apr 5, 2020 11:01:16 GMT
Hi Ocarina 🙂 To the people from your past who contacts you: Can you tell them how you feel. What they ment to you in your earlier life and now you have moved on and now you need something different in your life and you thank them and wish them well ? Take care ❤️ Hello anne12 and thank you.
Yes I can do that - it's not anger or bitterness that I am feeling - more a kind of resolve and a gelling of healing if you see what I mean - and a firm wish to walk the new path rather than the well trodden path of past habit.
It's a positive thing really, a perspective shift.
I hope you are keeping well.
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Post by alexandra on Apr 5, 2020 21:32:57 GMT
I agree, ocarina. I feel a lot of relief that I'd learned to let go in the long process of earning security and now am not wasting time with people who waste mine. I spent a couple weeks getting to know a guy who then completely 180ed and flaked out after great dates and just a few days before the virus situation really escalated. I didn't even respond to him flipping, just immediately dropped it, and a couple days later as things got worse, it was a relief. A week later, which felt like a year, I just kept thinking thank goodness he showed me so early that he was such a flake... trying to navigate this with someone like that would have been emotionally draining. I need my time to be in touch with people who matter to me, as we're mostly in hard hit areas. Some have gotten sick (but are all so far recovering). I did have one former female friend (who one day just stopped responding to me a couple years ago) reach out due to quarantine. I responded to her, with cautious optimism since I miss her friendship, but she predictably never said anything else again, so that's that. Hang in there. You're doing very challenging and necessary work, and we appreciate our essential workers!! |
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Post by ocarina on Apr 6, 2020 6:22:11 GMT
I did speak to one of these guys last night - as he phoned to see how I was it seemed polite to reply. So these are charming men - and very very handsome and this is someone I had a passionate relationship with ten years ago - who at the time was attached to a girl in another country. He treated me - and in hindsight her, horribly badly but came across as the poor good guy with all his insecurities, inability to choose which path to go down, shockingly low self esteem. At the time his willingness to open up about all his issues was alluring but as we talked yesterday, he's in the same place - girlfriend abroad, he's here in UK on his own, wondering if he's made the right decisions.... it's all the same stuff as before. As I listened I could also hear him fishing for attention and reassurance and throwing out compliments to keep me hooked. This is someone who maybe phones me once a year and I won't hear from him again for months - unlike my supportive genuine friends who are there for me whatever and vice versa.
I have nothing against him at all - but I now just don't find the same things attractive - the sensitive, brooding, dark kind of men just seem a bit lame in the face of all that is happening - and maybe in comparison to many of my friends who are out there on the front line dealing with life and death with compassion and empathy. Sometimes I worry I am actually a bit jaded - but I hope this is actually increasing maturity and realism.
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Post by alexandra on Apr 6, 2020 6:57:55 GMT
ocarina, it's something that naturally happens as you get more secure. It usually reflects emotional maturity and better boundaries 👍 You may be going through a very difficult time right now, with what you're seeing in your professional life, but I don't think shifting your priorities in traits you value in people means you're getting jaded.
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Post by anne12 on Apr 6, 2020 7:43:51 GMT
These men could be totally scared on the instinktive level right now under the pandemic. This could be an explanation why they are contacting you. The pandemic can bring people in contact with some of their underlying issues (stored trauma) they can't remember themselves - the fear of death.
When we can't orient to the threat, because it's invisible (you can't tell who's got the virus and who hasn't - it gets even worse). That why people can't use orienting to the threat to regulate/or take action.
Also some intergenerational trauma can come to the surface or trauma that people thought they had already dealt with.
It's not your problem of course - tell them to call a therapist or a national mental helpline, Red Cross, a friend or whatever...and tell them not to contact you again.
If they are calling you again, then do not answer the phone. You don't need people who drains you in your life, right ?
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Post by nyc718 on Apr 6, 2020 16:31:59 GMT
Hello
I am not here much any more, am a key worker in the UK and life is serious, difficult, challenging and profound.
What I have been feeling more and more is that in these times of crisis, how petty and unnecessary were my years of trying to fit in with avoidant partners - and my years of being avoidant myself. What all of us need is love, accessible, available, presence, kindness and compassion delivered in a way that is consistent and trust worthy.
I just have no time left for the people who for whatever reason cannot or will not face their demons and in doing so have gone through life behaving in ways that were hurtful to me and to other people. My hanging around and being tolerant didn't heal them and it damaged me and made me less available for the people around me.
Funnily enough a couple of them have surfaced in the last few days - and I just don't know what to say. I can't pretend to be fine with it any more. First of all, thank you to you who we call Essential Workers. I cannot give enough appreciation for those who have to continue to go out there, many I also know personally. Here in NYC at 7 pm every night, people are clapping outside their windows for all the Essential Workers. It's really beautiful. I think it's so great that you had this breakthrough. I know many people on many levels are facing things that were easy to ignore and distract themselves from before, but now it's time to either confront things that have been stuffed down for a long time, or to further deny wounds that need to be healed and continue to find unhealthy ways to ignore them, i.e. reaching out to ex's in hopes to alleviate the void in them instead of looking at themselves and the things they need to face and change. What I've learned in my healing is how every event, good and bad and especially the bad, are opportunities for growth. So from my perspective, this pandemic allowed you to grow and raise your standards. You are no longer tolerant of being treated less than you deserve, and you no longer can pretend that things are okay when they are not. That is some good self love, and self love is the most important key in having healthy relationships. |
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Post by Helsbells on Apr 7, 2020 8:36:30 GMT
Hello
I am not here much any more, am a key worker in the UK and life is serious, difficult, challenging and profound.
What I have been feeling more and more is that in these times of crisis, how petty and unnecessary were my years of trying to fit in with avoidant partners - and my years of being avoidant myself. What all of us need is love, accessible, available, presence, kindness and compassion delivered in a way that is consistent and trust worthy.
I just have no time left for the people who for whatever reason cannot or will not face their demons and in doing so have gone through life behaving in ways that were hurtful to me and to other people. My hanging around and being tolerant didn't heal them and it damaged me and made me less available for the people around me.
Funnily enough a couple of them have surfaced in the last few days - and I just don't know what to say. I can't pretend to be fine with it any more. Beautifully put ocarina, I too am a key worker in the uk and have had very similar thoughts. It's a very thought provoking time. Stay safe and well, and bless you for doing a brilliant Job x |
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Post by ocarina on Apr 9, 2020 20:09:20 GMT
It is a very thought provoking time - and in the midst of all the horror, there is a real opportunity for change on an individual level and collectively. I listened to this podcast by Gabor Mate whilst I was driving to work today - it's empowering and thought provoking, I thought someone might find it useful: drchatterjee.com/gabor-mate-is-coronavirus-showing-us-who-we-really-are/ |
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Post by anne12 on Apr 10, 2020 5:55:07 GMT
ocarina Yes, Gabor Mate is fantastic. Was there something in particular you found thought provoking ? Gabor Mate is very special to me as he was born under the second world war in Europe under the occupation just as my own parents (not jue's though) - and his always got something interesting to say. Thank you for reminding me of Gabor on the 9th of April 🙏 ❤️
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Post by ocarina on Apr 10, 2020 12:36:27 GMT
Thank you for sharing that anne12 You are right that we are all acting strangely - that the enforced isolation and stress is bringing out latent patterns which we can choose to look at and sit with, or work even harder to repress. I very much hope that we come out of the pandemic mentally healthier as individuals and as a society as a whole - although I have to say that I agree with Gabor that these messages are quickly forgotten - sadly. It seems to be a real time of polar opposites - of great compassion but also of judgmentalism - on the few who are panic buying, or not practicing social distancing, of the politicians who are doing their best (mostly!) under impossible circumstances. Gabor reminded me that there was another way to look at these people and their actions that was more compassionate and recognised their innate humanity. This was relevant to me when I look at my ex partners and feel anger and frustration that they dare to roll up with no remorse, or my ex husband whose sole concern is for his business. All these people are human - they are like this for a reason and judgement isn't helpful - but health boundaries from my side are needed because I don't have the time and energy to deal with them. Gabor also talked about many doctors having messianic tendencies - I totally relate to that - and how if that runs riot at the expense of your own emotional and physical wellbeing, it's just not helpful and is not the same as being truly compassionate and generous. |
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