Post by amber on Apr 8, 2020 2:04:10 GMT
Hi all
Wanted to share an update re: situation with my ex FA. We broke up four months ago due to him not feeling a strong enough connection. It has been one of the hardest times in my life since then dealing with a lot of deep sadness and grief over the loss (a lot of this is old childhood grief surfacing).
We had no contact for the last two months and I reached out after really missing him and finding no contact almost unbearable. We chatted about the r/ship and the breakup and some interesting things came to light.
He said he realises he started to feel uncertain about me when he felt we were spending too much time together and he was losing himself. He didn’t know how to speak up about his needs so felt the only way to deal
With it was to withdraw in order to get a sense of himself back. We had an argument when he went through a very stressful event and in typical AP fashion I was not supportive of him during that incident due to my own abandonment fears.he tells me this was damaging to the trust he felt for me. After that he really withdrew and from then he states felt a lot less of a connection. He also stated he has never been able to feel fully committed to any woman and can never feel a full “yes”...he said he has had doubts about every woman he has been with (all short term 3-6 months for the last ten years with him ending the r/ship each time). He recognises that his parents never really committed to him and that’s why he may have trouble committing to a partner. He also said being in a r/ship confronts him with his issues with self worth and poor connection to himself.
Having this conversation with him really helped me a lot to see that it’s not personal to me. It really is his stuff, and he is too scared to change. I’m
Hoping seeing things with more clarity will help me move on as I had in some ways taken him breaking up with me as a sign I was not worthy or good enough.of course he still tells me he isn’t sure he has a strong enough connection to me despite recognising the link between his past and why he can’t commit to partners and the triggers that may have caused him to shut off in the first place
The hardest part for me is that he is such a lovely,open, gentle,sensitive man who listens amazingly well and seems to be able to tolerate such honesty and openness in a way I’ve never experienced with any other partner. If he was shut off or nasty or rude it would make it much easier to walk away from him!
As a side note I was reading a study that looked at the attachment styles of leaders of groups of soldiers in battle. Leaders that had avoidant attachment styles directly caused the slow mental breakdown of the soldiers they were leading. At first this affected soldiers with anxious attachment styles but after some time even secure soldiers started to break down mentally.
How telling is that!!
Wanted to share an update re: situation with my ex FA. We broke up four months ago due to him not feeling a strong enough connection. It has been one of the hardest times in my life since then dealing with a lot of deep sadness and grief over the loss (a lot of this is old childhood grief surfacing).
We had no contact for the last two months and I reached out after really missing him and finding no contact almost unbearable. We chatted about the r/ship and the breakup and some interesting things came to light.
He said he realises he started to feel uncertain about me when he felt we were spending too much time together and he was losing himself. He didn’t know how to speak up about his needs so felt the only way to deal
With it was to withdraw in order to get a sense of himself back. We had an argument when he went through a very stressful event and in typical AP fashion I was not supportive of him during that incident due to my own abandonment fears.he tells me this was damaging to the trust he felt for me. After that he really withdrew and from then he states felt a lot less of a connection. He also stated he has never been able to feel fully committed to any woman and can never feel a full “yes”...he said he has had doubts about every woman he has been with (all short term 3-6 months for the last ten years with him ending the r/ship each time). He recognises that his parents never really committed to him and that’s why he may have trouble committing to a partner. He also said being in a r/ship confronts him with his issues with self worth and poor connection to himself.
Having this conversation with him really helped me a lot to see that it’s not personal to me. It really is his stuff, and he is too scared to change. I’m
Hoping seeing things with more clarity will help me move on as I had in some ways taken him breaking up with me as a sign I was not worthy or good enough.of course he still tells me he isn’t sure he has a strong enough connection to me despite recognising the link between his past and why he can’t commit to partners and the triggers that may have caused him to shut off in the first place
The hardest part for me is that he is such a lovely,open, gentle,sensitive man who listens amazingly well and seems to be able to tolerate such honesty and openness in a way I’ve never experienced with any other partner. If he was shut off or nasty or rude it would make it much easier to walk away from him!
As a side note I was reading a study that looked at the attachment styles of leaders of groups of soldiers in battle. Leaders that had avoidant attachment styles directly caused the slow mental breakdown of the soldiers they were leading. At first this affected soldiers with anxious attachment styles but after some time even secure soldiers started to break down mentally.
How telling is that!!