Post by seeking on Apr 14, 2020 22:14:47 GMT
Ever since I started revisiting attachment stuff, I've been wanting to know "what" everyone around me is and just kind of noticing their patterns.
My mom - around my dad - can be super avoidant. They are now quarantined together and she's losing her mind. She keeps going for walks (my mother does not go for walks). But she's reporting "he's like a different man." (They are in their 70s and fight constantly) and I think my dad feels settled that he has her 100% of the time. That's my guess.
Second - My dynamic with each of them is so bad.
My mother is avoidant with me too. And that has been painful for me. We've never gone out to eat and had "talks" - etc. If we do, maybe with my young daughter, she looks around the room, changes the subject, doesn't make eye contact, wants to talk about what the person on the other side of the room is wearing.
My dad, however - with me - I don't know what happens, but I noticed today that I think it's the root of so much trauma for me. I reached out to a therapist.
I can't explain my relationship with my father in this space here. But basically I cut off contacting him a couple years ago after a kind of "final straw" where I reached out for support and he hung up on me. I've wondered if he's a narcissist. At the very least, just super self centered - will call to talk about himself and if I interject something, he doesn't listen. Never asks about me. Doesn't even know what I do for a living. Basically doesn't "see" me.
I've experienced major trauma with men in relationships. I'm 48 now and a single mom.
My dad recently deciding he was dying. He has a lung condition so he's pretty much considering himself as good as dead. He wants to begin having end-of-life conversations with me. I had a boundary b/c I'm working (and supporting people in intense situations), a single parent, have an ex narc, a legal case, and this quarantine and I can't. I can't add that on. So he emails me things and I put them in a folder. On holidays, like Easter, we (my daughter and I) called my parents on FaceTime - I'll show my face, but mostly it's my daughter seeing her grandparents.
When I'm around my dad, I go into fight and flight. I have tried to calm this but it's hard. If he calls me, I go into a panic. My mother has made me out to be a "heartless" person. I've been in DV counseling (from my ex, and my dad was violent when I was younger and sometimes hit my mom).
My dad has mellowed out quite a lot - esp now he's on meds and depressed, and having health issues, and he mostly leaves me alone. This morning I saw a missed call from him, and I panicked. Mostly b/c I didn't want the pressure, the burden. I just want to be left alone.
I wish things weren't like that. I wish I could have a relationship with my dad, but he's made that pretty difficult. My sister can, but she also takes a lot of heat from him. I can't take anymore heat.
I texted that I would try him later, that my friend's mom just died, I had to get my daughter on a Zoom class, and I had a client - all happening at the same time (my best friend just had texted me that his mom died this morning and I was taking that in). I don't remember if my dad wrote back or not.
The day is going by, and I'm with another client, wondering if I'll even have time today to call my friend in between my daughter's tutoring online and after school club, and what to make for dinner etc and I get a text from my dad - "Sorry to bother you but I think an important I talk to you before tonight or real late anyway." no mention of my friend's mom who died. No mention of me. I think I had said something in the morning text like "never a dull moment" trying to be kind.
But he usually goes around being the victim of me, which really drives me crazy - like he'll tell my sister "she never calls me." etc. And the "sorry to bother you" is like a weird minimizing jab. It's like "Oh, you're so busy I know I'm sorry."
So I got into major fight and light. Hands cold. Try to concentrate on my client. And the rest of my day literally goes to hell. It was such a strong trauma response. I finally "bite the bullet" and call my dad. I get the dog out, my daughter set up, and I go out to "get it over with" and my body is struggling. He freaking doesn't answer.
So I call my mom and she's like "Oh he just wanted to tell you something I did." And I end up losing it on HER! Not that I want to, but then I'm apologizing to her and feeling like SUCH a mess. And then once I let off all the steam, I end up feeling guilty. "I should just call my dad. What's the big deal." Etc.
And then the rest of my night, I'm a mess. I broke a plate, yelled at my daughter. I feel off balance and just awful. And this constant mental chatter is going through my head - like "I'm busy. Can't you tell that? What will it take. I mean I don't even have time to shower most days" (This will go on for hours). I checked in with my inner child and she's just like wandering around *distraught* -
If I call my dad back, I'm under so much pressure b/c I can't act tired, say anything about me, if I do - he will jump on me and go "Oh, okay. You're always busy. Think about the people _____________ (example of people who are REALLY suffering)." Etc. I don't want to be put through that anymore so I got info freeze and fawn/appeasement mode.
But, wow. Watching myself today it's like NO WONDER I have issues! At some point, I felt terrified of engulfment, which seems to be a hallmark of avoidant types. But I have also been AP in the past. So I can't quite figure me out. Or my dad!?!
My mom - around my dad - can be super avoidant. They are now quarantined together and she's losing her mind. She keeps going for walks (my mother does not go for walks). But she's reporting "he's like a different man." (They are in their 70s and fight constantly) and I think my dad feels settled that he has her 100% of the time. That's my guess.
Second - My dynamic with each of them is so bad.
My mother is avoidant with me too. And that has been painful for me. We've never gone out to eat and had "talks" - etc. If we do, maybe with my young daughter, she looks around the room, changes the subject, doesn't make eye contact, wants to talk about what the person on the other side of the room is wearing.
My dad, however - with me - I don't know what happens, but I noticed today that I think it's the root of so much trauma for me. I reached out to a therapist.
I can't explain my relationship with my father in this space here. But basically I cut off contacting him a couple years ago after a kind of "final straw" where I reached out for support and he hung up on me. I've wondered if he's a narcissist. At the very least, just super self centered - will call to talk about himself and if I interject something, he doesn't listen. Never asks about me. Doesn't even know what I do for a living. Basically doesn't "see" me.
I've experienced major trauma with men in relationships. I'm 48 now and a single mom.
My dad recently deciding he was dying. He has a lung condition so he's pretty much considering himself as good as dead. He wants to begin having end-of-life conversations with me. I had a boundary b/c I'm working (and supporting people in intense situations), a single parent, have an ex narc, a legal case, and this quarantine and I can't. I can't add that on. So he emails me things and I put them in a folder. On holidays, like Easter, we (my daughter and I) called my parents on FaceTime - I'll show my face, but mostly it's my daughter seeing her grandparents.
When I'm around my dad, I go into fight and flight. I have tried to calm this but it's hard. If he calls me, I go into a panic. My mother has made me out to be a "heartless" person. I've been in DV counseling (from my ex, and my dad was violent when I was younger and sometimes hit my mom).
My dad has mellowed out quite a lot - esp now he's on meds and depressed, and having health issues, and he mostly leaves me alone. This morning I saw a missed call from him, and I panicked. Mostly b/c I didn't want the pressure, the burden. I just want to be left alone.
I wish things weren't like that. I wish I could have a relationship with my dad, but he's made that pretty difficult. My sister can, but she also takes a lot of heat from him. I can't take anymore heat.
I texted that I would try him later, that my friend's mom just died, I had to get my daughter on a Zoom class, and I had a client - all happening at the same time (my best friend just had texted me that his mom died this morning and I was taking that in). I don't remember if my dad wrote back or not.
The day is going by, and I'm with another client, wondering if I'll even have time today to call my friend in between my daughter's tutoring online and after school club, and what to make for dinner etc and I get a text from my dad - "Sorry to bother you but I think an important I talk to you before tonight or real late anyway." no mention of my friend's mom who died. No mention of me. I think I had said something in the morning text like "never a dull moment" trying to be kind.
But he usually goes around being the victim of me, which really drives me crazy - like he'll tell my sister "she never calls me." etc. And the "sorry to bother you" is like a weird minimizing jab. It's like "Oh, you're so busy I know I'm sorry."
So I got into major fight and light. Hands cold. Try to concentrate on my client. And the rest of my day literally goes to hell. It was such a strong trauma response. I finally "bite the bullet" and call my dad. I get the dog out, my daughter set up, and I go out to "get it over with" and my body is struggling. He freaking doesn't answer.
So I call my mom and she's like "Oh he just wanted to tell you something I did." And I end up losing it on HER! Not that I want to, but then I'm apologizing to her and feeling like SUCH a mess. And then once I let off all the steam, I end up feeling guilty. "I should just call my dad. What's the big deal." Etc.
And then the rest of my night, I'm a mess. I broke a plate, yelled at my daughter. I feel off balance and just awful. And this constant mental chatter is going through my head - like "I'm busy. Can't you tell that? What will it take. I mean I don't even have time to shower most days" (This will go on for hours). I checked in with my inner child and she's just like wandering around *distraught* -
If I call my dad back, I'm under so much pressure b/c I can't act tired, say anything about me, if I do - he will jump on me and go "Oh, okay. You're always busy. Think about the people _____________ (example of people who are REALLY suffering)." Etc. I don't want to be put through that anymore so I got info freeze and fawn/appeasement mode.
But, wow. Watching myself today it's like NO WONDER I have issues! At some point, I felt terrified of engulfment, which seems to be a hallmark of avoidant types. But I have also been AP in the past. So I can't quite figure me out. Or my dad!?!