Almost 20 years later - what do I do with this?

Is it abnormal for me to somehow feel some anger after
learning more about how FA attachment works and realizing that so much wasn’t what it seemed? Logically, I know this wasn’t on purpose and. I assume all he knows. Yet with the info given here, it kinda makes me feel like he didn’t view me as an autonomous equal in this relationship, so that makes me feel violated almost. I am trying not to be angry at him, but about the nature what things really were vs what I assumed.

Soooo...I get it....the anger, as it relates to grieving.....but if you stay stuck on what you see as issues only on his side...it will rob you of looking at your own role in this story.  At this point, there is nothing that can be done about him...but there is an opportunity to see where you may have ignored warning signs, hoped that he would change, did not speak up for yourself etc.  Those are the takeaways really. 🙂

washingmyhair, anger is normal. I think it's very understandable that you're angry that he dumped his feelings on you when you're married and have your own life, and him doing things in this manner isn't considerate to you and how you feel at all. I had a friend who I went out with on a few dates (nothing physical even happened) and I decided we weren't compatible but he's a nice guy and we'd stay friends. He blindsided me a long time later that he still wanted to date in spite of my being very clear and consistent in my boundaries, taking care not to lead him on at ALL, and it made me angry and feel distrustful in response. That our friendship wasn't what I thought and he was waiting me out until I'd changed my mind about dating him. My situation wasn't nearly as long, invested, or volatile as yours, yet I was angry anyway. And I know he means well, he just has his own stuff and got stuck I guess. I'm not mad anymore, but we're not really friends anymore either because I still feel uncomfortable. But it doesn't take away from the nice friendship times we had, and we did some very fun activities together.

After your anger subsides, you can take into consideration that he didn't do anything on purpose and wanted to believe in the things he said and did and the relationship you had. He's just wired differently than you, and that happening to him initially in life wasn't his fault. It doesn't minimize the relationship you had, but it reveals how incompatible you are and that you made the right choice in moving on. To dhali 's point, when you're ready, it is a compassionate approach to forgive in your own mind due to the knowledge that having an insecure attachment style, and especially FA because you've got the most difficult of all worlds (don't trust others or self, instead of trusting at least one), is really painful and difficult to live day to day. He's not a happy person. That doesn't mean you need to tolerate his poor behavior or owe him anything, but understanding attachment theory eventually helps one to let go with love and accept the other person got a bad start which isn't their fault -- though it's their responsibility as an adult to make the choice to address their own issues if they ever become aware of them.

I am new to these forums, though not attachment theory, and I couldn't help but have another perspective and train of thought, which is your, Washingmyhair, current marriage, and not actually the trap of past Anxious/Avoidant unending dramas. As a Secure attachment, there is a royal inner circle of loyalty, trust, responsiveness, and reciprocity of closeness which is mutual vulnerability. In other words, there is no room for 'keeping in touch' with ex's, past lover's or loves, unless there are mutual children involved where contact is required and beneficial. Insecure attachment distorts rather than clarifies past relationships, and there is no room inside the royal inner circle of loving well for them to have an impact. Life goes on and for a Secure, the royal inner circle, 'other's, phantom ex's, old lovers' etc. fall away from 'view' along with those attachments, especially 20 year old attachments. The fact this post exists, along with it's content of connecting with an other, a past love, in this manner and having the degree of angst regarding it, is a big red flag in and of itself, and the Insecure response (anger, confusion, even remote interest in a past love's reasoning, etc) speaks to an Anxious attachment style, regardless of testing outcomes.

Knowing all the right answers for Secure attachment is far from living and being all the right answers for authentic Secure attachment functioning. Attachment is a spectrum, rather than a dot on a map, but a belief system and foundational neural structure within our brain. All of us may well have some traits or characteristics from all of the attachment styles, however our go-to, what beliefs we default to when we are triggered (Email from 20 years past ex professing 'love') is where we function within the spectrum, of which awareness and insight can precede personal growth! Innate personality, character, environments and experiences that create and maintain neural networks within our brains, etc. are all superimposed upon our attachment foundation to create our unique personal story and perspectives. A Secure is curious and open to others perspectives and narratives, regardless of how different they may be from their own.

I wish you the closure and peace you seek in getting the rearview mirror unstuck from your forehead!