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Post by somebodyiknow on May 25, 2020 2:02:02 GMT
So we had the talk Monday. Didn't go too good because I did mention a timeline on one of my requests. His request was that I dknt have time lines so it made things hard but I stayed consistent. We set a timer and I did walk away before the timer finished because he was checking out a bit and I was beginning to feel the familiarity of my triggers rising. One need was sex at least once a week. It's been a fair week (dare I say I was trying to earn my plea for once weekly intimacy?) maybe my hopes were up but it was fair. No major hiccups. Yesterday he made the bed and actually slept under the blanket and sheets with me, first time in years. I got excited but he fell asleep. I was still fairly patient... Today he started an argument with me and told me he never agreed to once weekly sex. I reiterated that with him multiple times during the discussion we had last Monday. He's saying I angrily demanded it when I literally tried so hard to stay on task and show very little emotion. I did get a little triggered at a couple of points but I've shown a ton of growth in how I handle things now vs the past and his statement hurt me really bad. I planned that discussion for 5 days. I carefully went over everything. Yesterday I joked with him about resting so he'd be prepared to have sex. (he does work a lot) but has a 4 day weekend... He never said I didn't agree or anything he just laughed. I think because today was the last day we could have he was subconsciously starting things. Or intentionally? We did cuddle last night... I guess it's too much. I'm married ffs. This is so hard. We had a lot of sex in the beginning.... I have been more vulnerable... I've told him things I'd like to see him do that would help me. I'm just hurt. There is more with the counselor stuff too but I'll have to share it all later. Thank you for reading this if you do.
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Post by somebodyiknow on May 25, 2020 2:10:05 GMT
I specifically said is that something we can do? More than once I also said so in 2 weeks when we revisit this conversation we should have had sex 2 times. Was that too demanding I don't think so I'm not asking for a lot.... He said he could handle sex once a week. He said yes and tried to gaslight me today saying he didn't. I told him it hurt me that he said I angrily demanded it and asked if he'd apologize.... He said he won't apologize for telling me the way something happened. I probably shouldn't have asked for an apology but I was trying to get some closure and be vulnerable telling him it hurt me. I thought that's what we were supposed to do with d/a? Be specific? This is so hard. I hate that it bothers me so much. I think I'm more mad at myself honestly.
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Post by annieb on May 25, 2020 15:14:43 GMT
I specifically said is that something we can do? More than once I also said so in 2 weeks when we revisit this conversation we should have had sex 2 times. Was that too demanding I don't think so I'm not asking for a lot.... He said he could handle sex once a week. He said yes and tried to gaslight me today saying he didn't. I told him it hurt me that he said I angrily demanded it and asked if he'd apologize.... He said he won't apologize for telling me the way something happened. I probably shouldn't have asked for an apology but I was trying to get some closure and be vulnerable telling him it hurt me. I thought that's what we were supposed to do with d/a? Be specific? This is so hard. I hate that it bothers me so much. I think I'm more mad at myself honestly. Kudos to you for trying and I’m sorry you’re met with more gaslighting and denial. What do you think is best for you at this juncture? Just thinking very objectively, what would be a good life and outcome that you can get out of this whole situation? To me it seems trying to change the dynamic is futile. My advice would be to detach and fill your life with other things. Hobbies, relationships, what have you. If you are committed to this marriage then I believe the only way to save it would be for you to stop trying to save it. Divorce would in my opinion be the best thing, detachment would be second best thing. |
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Post by somebodyiknow on May 25, 2020 16:36:37 GMT
I specifically said is that something we can do? More than once I also said so in 2 weeks when we revisit this conversation we should have had sex 2 times. Was that too demanding I don't think so I'm not asking for a lot.... He said he could handle sex once a week. He said yes and tried to gaslight me today saying he didn't. I told him it hurt me that he said I angrily demanded it and asked if he'd apologize.... He said he won't apologize for telling me the way something happened. I probably shouldn't have asked for an apology but I was trying to get some closure and be vulnerable telling him it hurt me. I thought that's what we were supposed to do with d/a? Be specific? This is so hard. I hate that it bothers me so much. I think I'm more mad at myself honestly. Kudos to you for trying and I’m sorry you’re met with more gaslighting and denial. What do you think is best for you at this juncture? Just thinking very objectively, what would be a good life and outcome that you can get out of this whole situation? To me it seems trying to change the dynamic is futile. My advice would be to detach and fill your life with other things. Hobbies, relationships, what have you. If you are committed to this marriage then I believe the only way to save it would be for you to stop trying to save it. Divorce would in my opinion be the best thing, detachment would be second best thing. I've done the highly distracted life and have a lot of pretty good relationships with friends and some family. My kids and granddaughter fill much of the void as well as church music art hobbies... but I don't think I'm going to be able to just stay in a relationship like this. I think even when I get more secure I can't say I'd be okay with this because no matter how much I distract myself I have a very hard time with stagnation. I feel there must be growth. I've pushed hard to outgrow so many of my obstacles and I just don't feel comfortable enabling that in someone else. Yet holding him accountable feels wrong too and futile as you mentioned. Thias Gibsons work kind of gave me a bit of hope for the situation but as she even stated you can't fall in love with potential. I do truly believe he loves me with what he's capable of currently. It's just not enough and I'm trying to constantly remind myself that I am not a bad person for wanting more and he's not a bad person for refusing to give me that. I guess in being true to myself I do still need to evaluate a lot. I'm trying not to make excuses for me or him. I want to be sure I'm not overlooking small growth and being too critical. I want to be fair to myself and him. Thank you for responding and giving me an outlet for my thoughts. |
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Post by somebodyiknow on May 25, 2020 20:31:45 GMT
He apologized earlier for hurting my feelings yesterday. That was sweet but doesn't fix the fact that any chance of intimacy was destroyed. Maybe that's on me too. I told him I'd try to work through things and forgive him. I am feeling some bitterness. I know I can't make someone more self aware but I did explain to him that I think he withholds because he is scared to be too close or scared to meet my needs subconsciously. He had none of that. Nothing he feels or projects is subconscious or a result of anything besides the here and now in his viewpoint. I can't force that down his throat. Again thanks to anyone who reads and responds to this.
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