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Post by mixedsyles on May 26, 2020 10:06:43 GMT
So I think I have been seeing a secure guy for about 2 months. I’m not even sure if I’m a FA but due to some childhood trauma like being sexual molested by two close relatives I really shouldn’t be secure, but I’m a pretty happy person and I don’t think life is that hard.
I have had a 10 years relationship before. It was good relationship, but maybe we got married too young. He cheated on me and I wasn’t able to forgive although I really wanted to because we were happy and it wasn’t a drama relationship. Around 6 months after the break up I started seeing a DA. That I was the first time I felt like someone thought I was too much to handle. After 1,5 year of coming closing-going away, inconsistency and no compromise I just decided to leave. It was an amiable “break up”.
Efter the end of my long term relationship I didn’t want a “real” relationship. I stil don’t want one. All I wanted was to see a guy maybe once or twice a week, have great sex, some kind of communication under week. But I really couldn’t care less if the guy I was seeing other girls or don’t, as long as I was getting my due attention. I don’t know why this casual relationship triggered the DA guy so much. I
I have been in no contact with the DA guy for 4 months and seeing this new guy for 2 months. I was honest with what I was looking for, pretty much a boyfriend who isn’t actually a boyfriend and he said it was fine. He have been single for two months when we met after being in a long term relationship, so he didn’t want to jump in other serious relationship so fast but didn’t want to have a lot of one night stand either. Consistency is amazing! He initiates contact, It doesn’t take him days/weeks to answer my texts. I don’t feel ignored or like I’m too much to handle. He is a police officer so he works a lot and our schedules don’t match so often but he will try to make time for us. There was a time I thought he was pulling away like the DA guy often did. I had two options: 1- Don’t say anything because I’m afraid to smoother him 2- Be honest and say what I was feeling. I chose option 2 because that was what I always did before being in a “relationship” with a DA and it always worked pretty well. I was scared he would ignore me or just disappear but he didn’t! He explained why he was being so busy and why some weeks it’s harder for him to meet me once or twice a week and promised we would see each again soon and he kept his word! I feel no anxiety when I don’t hear from him for somedays anymore. I know he is just busy and I’m free to initiate contact whatever I feel like it because I’m not bothering him, he is happy hearing from me.
My interaction with this new guy reminds me of the relationship I had with my husband under the years we were happy and I enjoy it so much more! They said that insecure attached people don’t feel the sparks while dating a secure attached but It doesn’t apply for me. I love the passion we have in bed and the “boring” and safe feeling outside the bedroom! Or maybe I’m just a pretty secure person myself! Who knows 😊
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Post by tnr9 on May 26, 2020 12:51:49 GMT
So I think I have been seeing a secure guy for about 2 months. I’m not even sure if I’m a FA but due to some childhood trauma like being sexual molested by two close relatives I really shouldn’t be secure, but I’m a pretty happy person and I don’t think life is that hard. I have had a 10 years relationship before. It was good relationship, but maybe we got married too young. He cheated on me and I wasn’t able to forgive although I really wanted to because we were happy and it wasn’t a drama relationship. Around 6 months after the break up I started seeing a DA. That I was the first time I felt like someone thought I was too much to handle. After 1,5 year of coming closing-going away, inconsistency and no compromise I just decided to leave. It was an amiable “break up”. Efter the end of my long term relationship I didn’t want a “real” relationship. I stil don’t want one. All I wanted was to see a guy maybe once or twice a week, have great sex, some kind of communication under week. But I really couldn’t care less if the guy I was seeing other girls or don’t, as long as I was getting my due attention. I don’t know why this casual relationship triggered the DA guy so much. I I have been in no contact with the DA guy for 4 months and seeing this new guy for 2 months. I was honest with what I was looking for, pretty much a boyfriend who isn’t actually a boyfriend and he said it was fine. He have been single for two months when we met after being in a long term relationship, so he didn’t want to jump in other serious relationship so fast but didn’t want to have a lot of one night stand either. Consistency is amazing! He initiates contact, It doesn’t take him days/weeks to answer my texts. I don’t feel ignored or like I’m too much to handle. He is a police officer so he works a lot and our schedules don’t match so often but he will try to make time for us. There was a time I thought he was pulling away like the DA guy often did. I had two options: 1- Don’t say anything because I’m afraid to smoother him 2- Be honest and say what I was feeling. I chose option 2 because that was what I always did before being in a “relationship” with a DA and it always worked pretty well. I was scared he would ignore me or just disappear but he didn’t! He explained why he was being so busy and why some weeks it’s harder for him to meet me once or twice a week and promised we would see each again soon and he kept his word! I feel no anxiety when I don’t hear from him for somedays anymore. I know he is just busy and I’m free to initiate contact whatever I feel like it because I’m not bothering him, he is happy hearing from me. My interaction with this new guy reminds me of the relationship I had with my husband under the years we were happy and I enjoy it so much more! They said that insecure attached people don’t feel the sparks while dating a secure attached but It doesn’t apply for me. I love the passion we have in bed and the “boring” and safe feeling outside the bedroom! Or maybe I’m just a pretty secure person myself! Who knows 😊 Two months is still in the honeymoon phase so I would not judge being secure based on that. |
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Post by mixedsyles on May 26, 2020 13:11:33 GMT
tnr9 I know it’s very early I am just comparing how I felt while dating the DA guy and how if feels now. The biggest difference I’m seeing is on communication skills and how much closeness they can handle. The DA from the begging was more secretive, ignoring my bids for conexion and running away when I asked what was going on.
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Post by tnr9 on May 26, 2020 13:19:25 GMT
tnr9 I know it’s very early I am just comparing how I felt while dating the DA guy and how if feels now. The biggest difference I’m seeing is on communication skills and how much closeness they can handle. The DA from the begging was more secretive, ignoring my bids for conexion and running away when I asked what was going on. And that is a very good start...but give it a bit of time before determining whether or not he is secure. I have read it takes about 6 months or so.  |
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Post by mixedsyles on May 26, 2020 13:40:10 GMT
tnr9 I know it’s very early I am just comparing how I felt while dating the DA guy and how if feels now. The biggest difference I’m seeing is on communication skills and how much closeness they can handle. The DA from the begging was more secretive, ignoring my bids for conexion and running away when I asked what was going on. And that is a very good start...but give it a bit of time before determining whether or not he is secure. I have read it takes about 6 months or so. Thanks to attachment theory I can know look for the right signs from the beginning! Maybe he and I are not going to last for a long time because I don’t think I want to be in a traditional relationship anymore and he wants that in the future. But as long as I’m interacting with someone I want to feel respected, heard, seemed and connected 😊. |
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Post by mrob on May 26, 2020 13:42:22 GMT
See, that would be perfect for me as an FA. Never get too close to be triggered, but close enough to enjoy connection.
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Post by tnr9 on May 26, 2020 13:42:45 GMT
And that is a very good start...but give it a bit of time before determining whether or not he is secure. I have read it takes about 6 months or so. Thanks to attachment theory I can know look for the right signs from the beginning! Maybe he and I are not going to last for a long time because I don’t think I want to be in a traditional relationship anymore and he wants that in the future. But as long as I’m interacting with someone I want to feel respected, heard, seemed and connected 😊. Interesting.....and he is aware that you do not want the same thing as he does? |
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Post by mixedsyles on May 26, 2020 13:58:55 GMT
Thanks to attachment theory I can know look for the right signs from the beginning! Maybe he and I are not going to last for a long time because I don’t think I want to be in a traditional relationship anymore and he wants that in the future. But as long as I’m interacting with someone I want to feel respected, heard, seemed and connected 😊. Interesting.....and he is aware that you do not want the same thing as he does? Yes! He knows! He was in a long term relationship and single for two months when we met. He thinks it’s too early to jump in other serious relationship but he doesn’t like sleeping around with many different girls. |
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Post by mixedsyles on May 26, 2020 14:01:00 GMT
See, that would be perfect for me as an FA. Never get too close to be triggered, but close enough to enjoy connection. That feels comfortable for me too. I’m actually not afraid of being abandoned, I’m afraid of being betrayed. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 26, 2020 14:03:06 GMT
Interesting.....and he is aware that you do not want the same thing as he does? Yes! He knows! He was in a long term relationship and single for two months when we met. He thinks it’s too early to jump in other serious relationship but he doesn’t like sleeping around with many different girls. Ok. So you are just in a casual thing that you both agreed to. Got it. |
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AM
New Member
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Post by AM on Jun 18, 2020 23:05:42 GMT
A person's functional attachment model, whether Secure or Insecure at least, can be determined in one conversation within about 10 sentences. Keep in mind the population is split, roughly half and half, between Secure and Insecure attachment and this is at the brain level, not conscious thoughtful choice, but a go-to default neural network of unthinking moves and motives. When a person uses words such as "Try, Maybe, I'll get back to you (unless getting back to you happens immediately, within a specified short term agreed time (hr or 2), I'll let you know (unless there is a time attached, then both those scenarios may be great test subject indicators of reciprocity and follow thru), I don't know, I think, I might", etc. etc. Or when a person uses any words that leave or lead to an ambiguous, open ended conclusion, as well as conflicting statements, or fallacy of equivalence (substituting one word, or phrase, for another that is critical to analysis, to either inadvertently or deliberately confuse or mislead.) Or when a person uses any unclear, indefinite, or equivocal word, expression, or meaning that leads to doubtfulness or uncertainty of meaning and especially of intention that they dance around...all these are red flag warnings. Only one, just one, smoking gun is necessary to identify someone that is not working from a Secure functional model and therefore has given themselves permission, consciously or deeply unconsciously, to betray, hurt, or harm (emotional, psychological, verbal, physical) another person whether out of convenience, self preservation (2 most common) or malevolence, the inevitable betrayal and losing outcome is all the same. Steer clear of Insecure, no matter what sub-class (FA/DA etc) they may fall into. Ambiguity, Victim/Perpetrator role, and/or diversions will be consistent throughout conversations, and more importantly, eventual choices of action toward you. A Secure is boringly reliable, honest, flexible, reciprocal and responsive and whether in or out of a relationship, you are enveloped within a Secure royal inner circle, even within conflict, your in the circle and we are excellent and skillful conflict buster's who collaborate with others for win-win outcomes. Secure's speak with straight forward and open dialog, and seek to clarify meaning and intention, in face to face interaction and conversations.
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