|
|
Post by anne12 on Jun 10, 2020 12:38:11 GMT
Getting regulated and "getting up on the balcony" (up in your head and not so lost in all your feelings and internal turmoil) and being objective so that you are able to see whats going on is always helpful for people with ap and or fa attatchmentstyle.
Also beeing able to see yourself from the outside and others from the inside is helpful. ♥️
And listening when your intuition is whispering you in your 👂
|
|
|
|
Post by Dualcitizen on Jun 11, 2020 3:42:49 GMT
anne12 , Thank you Anne and to everyone else who has replied to me on this forum. You all have showed more compassion and respect to me than most people. Getting all of this feedback has made me want to speak to him even more. When we see each other, he insistently asks if he can see me more often, yet when I (or he, but mostly I) arrange plans, he ends up canceling last minute. And this is a vicious cycle. Then begins the "you don't care about me as much as I care about you" dialogue from him. When I genuinely try to reassure him, he will ignore me (both emotionally and physically). This is typical for DA's, right? To push people away, yet (subconsciously?) expect for their attention at the same time? If I let myself continue in this weird dance of a relationship, I don't know how long until I hit my saturation point. Is there seeming low self esteem comments mixed in anywhere? Or actions? An F-A would be demonstrative of this. Low trust in others/low trust in self, whereas D-A Low trust in others/Fake trust in self, so an armour of self esteem "seemingly", but not actually truly having proper self esteem as per a secure attached individual. |
|
|
|
Post by Dualcitizen on Jun 11, 2020 4:38:55 GMT
Yes! I'm FA, my boyfriend is DA. Seems like we might be doomed haha I'm not the "negative" thought type generally (I do have them but quickly quashed). It's probably "doomed" if you are aware and he isn't, and nor does he care. How will you get your needs met effectively from a person who fails to feel and can't communicate? Not fair on you! The other option is, you stay in it forever in pure dysfunction, and I don't think you want that, because you're here in these forums! Looking for answers! |
|
|
|
Post by Dualcitizen on Jun 11, 2020 5:28:12 GMT
Dualcitizen , no, thank you for being honest! This forum has really opened my eyes on a lot of red flags I've been ignoring, trying to prove to myself that I can overcome my FA tendencies by staying in this relationship. I've never been the type of person to want my entire life to revolve around their relationship. Maybe I'm feeling this anxiety since this is my first relationship, but it is very taxing on me emotionally. He calls all of his exes "crazy." I'm thinking maybe he drove them to "craziness" and they were secure enough to leave the relationship, unlike myself 😔 red flag - he calls all his exes "crazy". Really? If I were him I wouldn't be admitting that, he's attracting and abetting these "crazy" people! Also name calling and being overly judgemental without a sense of knowledge about himself or psychology, and admitting his own shortcomings? Just something else to be aware of! |
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jun 11, 2020 5:42:01 GMT
He could be a NPD person - watch out! Disregulated People who are in a kind of freeze state and low on energy/who are nummed out are more prone to attract people with dysregulated prepretator energy. People with prepretator energy say that they can spot people in freeze/they can feel their low energy miles away. If you are low on energy, in freeze/shut down and not well regulated be carefull because you can attract these type of people without being aware of it. You are in risk of being hunted like wounded/weak animals in the wild. You are also not able to detect danger the same way as if you were wellregulated. (Peter Levine) Dr. Ramani While people going through life transitions are vulnerable to narcissists m.youtube.com/watch?v=VB0aS0igdbI |
|
|
|
Post by dhali on Jun 11, 2020 5:53:46 GMT
Desertwalker- I’m sorry you’re going through this. In the instances on this forum where people tried to inform their s.o’s about their avoidant attachment style, the results were not positive.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jun 11, 2020 6:05:49 GMT
The anxiety that you are feeling sounds reasonable..Not because it is your first relationship but because something is OFF. NPD is a serious personality disorder that can't be fixed.
You will never get a healthy relationship with a narc (do not confuse a narc with a normal avoidant attatchment style)
Write everything down -also the things you wrote to me - and go and show it to your therapist. I hope that she is narc/trauma informed enough to help you get out of this relationship.
You are on your way to get better and to me it sounds that this relationship will only make you feel worse. You do not need this in your life. You have to concentrate on your PhD and concentrate on making a good life for yourself -hopefully with a loving and caring man by your side ♥️
You have to ask yourself again and again "what is the most loving thing for me right now"
A narc will always make you feel that it's you who are the problem - NOT him. There is nothing to feel ashamed about. It is NOT you - it's him!!!!!
Healthy boundarie setting doesn't work with a narcissist.
It can damage your self-worth and self-respect to be near such a person and it can make it more difficult for you to meet a healthy partner in the future.
Theres a lot of people on this board who had experience with a narc partner I think. You are not alone.
Remember you are unique and worthy !
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jun 11, 2020 7:19:30 GMT
From the dating thread and how to create a loving relationship thread:
The 7 love phases:
You must both examine at least 10 things:
1. Does He/she turn me on - or can I become turned on later? (Give it at least 3 meetings, though there is no spark if he / she is otherwise interesting to you!) - good to flirt here!
2. Do we have common interests, attitudes, dreams and goals?
3. Do I like him / her?
4. Do I respect him / her and vice versa?
5. Can I count on him / her?
1. Phone calls and sms: women and some men pay close attention to when answers come back and who takes the initiative (often people with the ambivalent / nervous connection form)
2. Agreements, times etc. are observed.
3. What does he / she tell about stability versus clutter and chaos etc?
6. Will he / she add anything to my life? Can I?
7. Does he / she want to fit into my life? Family, children, friends, work, etc. If not, will it be okay for me?
8. Well, this is important if you are not just having fun: Does he / she already have a partner? Ask directly if he / she has a partner. Check out later by asking discreetly and "randomly" what he / she are doing in the holiday, how he / she usually celebrates Christmas or other traditions
9. Has he / she just got out of a relationship? If so be careful. You can easily just become a rebound
10. Does he / she speak negatively about others? Especially the opposite sex? This could Be a sign that he / she easily blames you for things, that do not go as He/she wants. Of course, one can be quite filled with negative emotions and thoughts if one has just been divorced or dropped. Consider carefully whether it is worth your time! Especially if it takes up a lot and if he / she reacts negatively! You can ask: " what do You think was your own tribute"
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jun 11, 2020 7:34:04 GMT
Do you even like the guy ? Or have you just become bonded to him ? Listen to: Dr. Stephen Porges discusses Polyvagal Theory and romantic relationships in his interview m.youtube.com/watch?v=EfkmuNm55usSafety first - do not flip the order! |
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jun 11, 2020 7:42:36 GMT
How can you distinguice between a type A man and a type B man: An A person drains you, takes from your fridge, does not give anything to your life. It can take some time before you will notise this. A B person fills up your fridge, expands your life, sees the beauty in you and makes your life feel better. You will not get challenged by an unhealthy man. You will not get challenged in your ability to RECIEVE!!!! Allison Armstrong about unhealthy/healthy men and how to tell: www.understandmen.com/qc_workshop/Unhealthy_Men_the_Secrets_of_Early_Detection_PAXProgramsInc_032515.mp3There are some signs, but they are not bulletproof. Many people know how to behave in the beginning and therefore do not reveal these things in the first period in which they "do their utmost". It is among other things - if the other only talks about himself, and never asks you any questions. - if they let you pay at least half of the bill. As a woman, it is common for the man to pay more than half, since in general, despite gender equality, we as Woman still are behind men's wages. - if they do not check in with you, what you want (although it may be nice that the other person takes the initiative) - does the other person listen to the little things you mention, that you like? He shows this by buying or arranging these little things for you. - Is he on the cellphone while you're together - or can he prioritize that now IT is YOUR time? - is he kind and generous to others? - does he talk lovingly / kindly about his family and friends? Dr. Ramani youtu.be/J4yraZiJ9D8 |
|
|
|
Post by dhali on Jun 11, 2020 20:03:36 GMT
Dualcitizen, no, thank you for being honest! This forum has really opened my eyes on a lot of red flags I've been ignoring, trying to prove to myself that I can overcome my FA tendencies by staying in this relationship. I've never been the type of person to want my entire life to revolve around their relationship. Maybe I'm feeling this anxiety since this is my first relationship, but it is very taxing on me emotionally. He calls all of his exes "crazy." I'm thinking maybe he drove them to "craziness" and they were secure enough to leave the relationship, unlike myself 😔 Hmm. That’s not what I read is going on with you at all, re: trying to prove to yourself that you’re overcoming your FA tendencies. By staying with him, you’re being true to your FA tendencies. You can only be with someone if they are dismissive of you. You don’t feel good enough. This relationship is completely on his terms, from what you describe. As long as that’s the case, you’ll be attached, seeking approval. |
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jun 12, 2020 5:11:31 GMT
Dr. Ramani: How does being with a narcissist affect your body, mind, and soul? m.youtube.com/watch?v=eJr1WQyNpH4What happens when you go grey rock m.youtube.com/watch?v=AmksB-SIvtA@desertwalker It sounds like you are taking his bait. If you are dealing with a narc, a psykopath, passive aggressive people ect. it is recommended that you don't take the bait. When ever he is saying ex: "You don't care about me as much as I care about you" "Do you rather want to be with my friends/brother.." "You worry too much" "You are only using me for sex" "You are too insecure" Ect Try not to say: oh no I do love you, oh no this is not truth, oh I'm worried that something will happen to you at work, oh I'm not only using you for sex..... It seems like when you reassure him ect. he ignores you afterwards. You have given him a shot of narsistic supply - exactly what he was looking for. Try to go grey rock instead and see what happens - try to follow Dr. Ramanis and your therapists advises. Dr. Ramani is a great american resource on how to spot and how to deal with narcs - and she is specialised in that particular area. Maybe you already know her? I really like her. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jun 12, 2020 10:23:49 GMT
Based on these responses, it seems like communicating these with him again may help, but it might not. Or that it will help, but for a certain amount of time period before he or I or both of us reverts back to it. Maybe ending the cycle with the DA is the only healthy option? I'm getting pretty discouraged, that no amount of work may result in a healthy, balanced relationship. That the only hope is landing a secure (if you yourself have an insecure attachment style). I'm actively working on bettering myself, but that possibly is useless if I subconsciously attract insecures. Communicating with him likely won't help things with him as he's unaware (and 100% won't help if he's NPD), but it will help you. If you're trying to overcome your own FA, practicing communicating your needs is super important, even if it doesn't result in what you want because he's not the right partner for you to choose. But that won't be because you failed, and it takes practice to improve, so it's a win for you either way. However, your outlook is a bit skewed... healthy, balanced relationships are impossible between insecures and unaware insecures. But if you find an aware insecure who is also already working out their issues but isn't fully secure yet, but is making progress just like you, that may be okay. You don't have to get frustrated thinking you're caught in a trap, that only a secure holds the magic key for you but you're only going to attract insecures so it's hopeless. This isn't true, and it isn't hopeless, and often you end up attracting someone in a similar point to you in your own journey (a mirror). But an unaware insecure who feels no internal motivation to work on his own issues will always result in dysfunction for you. Change and conflict resolution only works if both participants are sharing the work, effort, and responsibility, and it isn't simply one person (you) trying to do all the emotional labor for both of you. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jun 12, 2020 10:26:52 GMT
Plus, the closer to secure you get, the better your boundaries and communication get, and you naturally start attracting healthier people... because you're more attracted to those traits and as you grow stronger within yourself, you simply won't tolerate dismissal or emotional or verbal abuse.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jun 13, 2020 0:45:55 GMT
Psykopathy, psykopatic/sociopathic traits People with fearless dominance, CEOs, ect. James Fallon - A Scientist's Journey Through Psychopathy m.youtube.com/watch?v=lOjykLQAdaECognitive empathy vs. emotional empathy, the impact on parenting ect. Dr. Scott Lilienfeld: Psychopaths, Heroism and Fearless Dominance (Superman and James Bond ect.) Professor Dr. Scott Lilienfeld on how psychopathic traits such as fearless dominance and lack of concern for conformity to societal norms might actually lead to heroic actions when confronted with situations in which decisive action is required m.youtube.com/watch?v=tYG96s4uXx0Dr. Ramani - cluster B personality m.youtube.com/watch?v=gpjYtAB9i2wPsychopath, sociopath, or just arrogant? Few people understand the science behind the psychopath and the sociopath. In this full-length masterclass video, clinical psychologist and personality disorder expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula does a deep dive on the psychopath, the sociopath, and everything you need to know about antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). There's a fine line between someone who is overly-confident and someone who has antisocial personality disorder, which is the clinical diagnosis behind psychopathy and sociopathy. Not only are ASPD symptoms and behaviors difficult to spot, it's also far more common than most people realize!!!! Does the person show remorse ? (They can fake remorse and empathy) |
|
