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Post by anne12 on Jun 23, 2020 19:48:40 GMT
Sometimes shit happens. He wasn't into you. (Your therapist also told you this, didn't she ?)
It sounded that you were his
refrigerator, where he could come and get fueld with sex, a place to drink his beer, smoke his weed and watch Netflix for free....
You didn't set any boundaries ect. so he could keep on doing it...
Sometimes people suddenly gets ready in their fourties or fifties or later in life. Just look at Simon Cowel...
You were apparently not the right woman for him.
But who knows if your exs relationship will crash and burn someday....only time can tell
But what about you Tnr ?
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Post by annieb on Jun 23, 2020 20:29:23 GMT
Hi all....although I am moving in the right direction and am focused on changes I need to make....I still do not fully understand what happened with B with the girl after me. Is it typical for someone who leans more avoidant and has had a history of short term relationships (less then a year) to suddenly move very quickly in a relationship? I just don’t have a background in this as I have leaned very anxious in all my relationships and never got involved with someone I had “doubts” about or just wanted something “casual” so that is a bit foreign to me. I do get the moving full speed...but only after being that way on every relationship...I have not flipped. So any insight is appreciated. Again, just trying to understand. I’ve done both, moved in and tried to have babies with someone I knew for 4 months and rejected someone I knew for 18 years. There really isn’t any rhyme or reason for what happens with different people. But if he has avoidant attachment style then if he is moving fast on something, it’s possible his anxious attachment got activated. Even DAs can turn anxious. She may be activating his attachment style opposite to what you were activating. None of this is in your control, and often not in control of anybody. Look how we are all stumbling and struggling here even though we’ve been at “healing” for years. |
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Post by mrob on Jun 24, 2020 1:30:12 GMT
I’ve not known a DA to turn anxious. They just cut off and do their own thing subject to cultural customs.
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Post by amber on Jun 24, 2020 4:19:31 GMT
Hi all....although I am moving in the right direction and am focused on changes I need to make....I still do not fully understand what happened with B with the girl after me. Is it typical for someone who leans more avoidant and has had a history of short term relationships (less then a year) to suddenly move very quickly in a relationship? I just don’t have a background in this as I have leaned very anxious in all my relationships and never got involved with someone I had “doubts” about or just wanted something “casual” so that is a bit foreign to me. I do get the moving full speed...but only after being that way on every relationship...I have not flipped. So any insight is appreciated. Again, just trying to understand. I know it’s very tempting to keep trying to figure things out, as I still catch myself doing this wit my ex, but you’re spinning your wheels doing that. You will most likely never fully understand or figure it out, you have to probably try to accept or come to terms with the mystery of it...really, so much of life is like this. We will not understand why a lot of things happen, as painful as that is. |
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gab
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Post by gab on Jun 24, 2020 8:18:01 GMT
Sometimes shit happens. He wasn't into you. (Your therapist also told you this, didn't she ?) You were his refrigerator, where he could come and get fueld with sex, a place to drink his beer, smoke his weed and watch Netflix for free.... You didn't set any boundaries ect. so he could keep on doing it... Sometimes people suddenly gets ready in their fourties or fifties or later in life. Just look at Simon Cowel... But who knows if your exs relationship will crash and burn someday.... But what about you Tnr ? This. As painful as it is, sometimes people just aren't that into you, but they will use you to fill whatever void they have for a time being. I'm not saying this to be mean or to hurt you but I've been in a similar situation to yours. For years I looked up to the attachment theory to find answers to my questions because he does have an insecure attachment style, there's no doubt and he even knows that. Our dynamic was the same as dynamic of many people here sharing their stories. It must have been it, he didn't want me because of his avoidant attachment, right? Well, no. It hit me after yet another make up let's be friends talks. I asked him if he would be willing to work on his attachment to which he explained (of course oblivious to how it'd sounds to me, but it only shows he's in a different headspace that I am) that he would but one needs an equal to do it with. We know it's not how it works but it says it all, "maybe if he found a girl he liked enough, he would" and I wasn't that girl. I'm not equal to him. And never will be. He has an insecure attachment style but he's also not into me. If I offer, he'll take, because why not? Now I see how I got myself confused because I thought people took from me because they cared. When they care, they give. |
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Post by alexandra on Jun 24, 2020 8:32:14 GMT
tnr9, you can't know. In addition to some of the possibilities above, she may be able to give him some things he wants, totally independent of any feelings he has or doesn't have. Maybe she's rich and he was going to get evicted, maybe he decided he wants a child now and she was younger and there, maybe he knocked her up, maybe she wouldn't sleep with him until after marriage (that one is my favorite maybe!), maybe she triggers him anxious (for now), maybe he wanted to be married (he was ready and liked her, or he felt he needed a wife to be treated better in society and his communities, who knows). Personally, my guess is something about her is very similar to one of his parents he has issues with and he's just playing out the expected pattern. At this point, I'm wondering why it's a burning question for you, and if it's a way to get your thoughts stuck back in the old, familiar comparison trap?
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 24, 2020 10:11:59 GMT
tnr9 , you can't know. In addition to some of the possibilities above, she may be able to give him some things he wants, totally independent of any feelings he has or doesn't have. Maybe she's rich and he was going to get evicted, maybe he decided he wants a child now and she was younger and there, maybe he knocked her up, maybe she wouldn't sleep with him until after marriage (that one is my favorite maybe!), maybe she triggers him anxious (for now), maybe he wanted to be married (he was ready and liked her, or he felt he needed a wife to be treated better in society and his communities, who knows). Personally, my guess is something about her is very similar to one of his parents he has issues with and he's just playing out the expected pattern. At this point, I'm wondering why it's a burning question for you, and if it's a way to get your thoughts stuck back in the old, familiar comparison trap? Actually no...believe it or not, it really is not....I have accepted that it is over...I am just looking at this now purely as a curiosity in behavior since it is such a stark contrast to my pattern. I really appreciate your statement about something about her being similar to one of his parents....that is honestly what I think must be the case as well. But I agree...she is younger and he does want kids so that likely also played a role.  |
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Post by amber on Jun 24, 2020 10:33:32 GMT
Sometimes shit happens. He wasn't into you. (Your therapist also told you this, didn't she ?) You were his refrigerator, where he could come and get fueld with sex, a place to drink his beer, smoke his weed and watch Netflix for free.... You didn't set any boundaries ect. so he could keep on doing it... Sometimes people suddenly gets ready in their fourties or fifties or later in life. Just look at Simon Cowel... But who knows if your exs relationship will crash and burn someday.... But what about you Tnr ? This. As painful as it is, sometimes people just aren't that into you, but they will use you to fill whatever void they have for a time being. I'm not saying this to be mean or to hurt you but I've been in a similar situation to yours. For years I looked up to the attachment theory to find answers to my questions because he does have an insecure attachment style, there's no doubt and he even knows that. Our dynamic was the same as dynamic of many people here sharing their stories. It must have been it, he didn't want me because of his avoidant attachment, right? Well, no. It hit me after yet another make up let's be friends talks. I asked him if he would be willing to work on his attachment to which he explained (of course oblivious to how it'd sounds to me, but it only shows he's in a different headspace that I am) that he would but one needs an equal to do it with. We know it's not how it works but it says it all, "maybe if he found a girl he liked enough, he would" and I wasn't that girl. I'm not equal to him. And never will be. He has an insecure attachment style but he's also not into me. If I offer, he'll take, because why not? Now I see how I got myself confused because I thought people took from me because they cared. When they care, they give. Yes,it’s called unrequited love and I’d say as long as you’re human and involved in romantic relationships, you’ll likely be on the receiving end of this at some point in Time, regardless of attachment styles. Painful as it is being the one that is liked less,it’s part of life |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 24, 2020 10:34:39 GMT
Sometimes shit happens. He wasn't into you. (Your therapist also told you this, didn't she ?) You were his refrigerator, where he could come and get fueld with sex, a place to drink his beer, smoke his weed and watch Netflix for free.... You didn't set any boundaries ect. so he could keep on doing it... Sometimes people suddenly gets ready in their fourties or fifties or later in life. Just look at Simon Cowel... But who knows if your exs relationship will crash and burn someday.... But what about you Tnr ? Hey Anne...this answer kinda went a different direction then what I was asking for.....but.....it was actually a good thing. When I first read this I was really...well...pissed off....all the “you statements” put me in a pretty defensive space and I drove to my hair appointment getting mad at other drivers (my normal passive aggressive response to feeling “judged”). When I was talking to my hair stylist about B getting married she said....”you were too kind to him....I could tell it would not last because you gave him everything and he took advantage of your sweet, kind personality.” Then she went on to tell me about 2 other clients of hers who also had given a lot to men they dated and the men eventually left them for someone else. I will admit, I preferred the way she explained it.....but I get your drift. I know that I have been asking questions about B for YEARS trying to “understand him” to win him back and when I could not win him back...to stay a bit stuck on him....I can assure you that season has passed. I really was just trying to better understand the dynamic and what could cause someone to shift that way. I do know that B has wanted to get married and have kids....we had discussed that in one of our “poor timing” (literally right before Christmas) talks about his “doubts”. At that time, we discussed adoption, IVF and surrogates....and in January, he acted all affectionate again so my natural thought process was...phew, we are ok. But you are right, I did not lay down any boundaries with him....which was very detrimental to me as I did feel used from time to time. I justified my lack of boundaries with him by telling myself that he had extremely tight boundaries growing up and he had no space with which he could feel safe to explore, so he rebelled. I have been caretaking all my life so I was just following my normal pattern...which I am working on changing. As far as me...well...I had a pretty big success over Father’s Day which I posted about. I am finding that my core work...accepting me and others for who I and they are, determining what makes me happy, taking things less personally and only be responsible for myself....is paying off. I am not interested in dating right now as I feel I would be tempted back into a pattern that I am trying to change. |
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Post by anne12 on Jun 24, 2020 12:02:27 GMT
tnr9 I'm not pointing fingers at you. A lot of women have been in your situation , with men who wasn't that into them but who only wanted sex, your good company, going out, having fun, getting filled up with your feminine energy, who was bored in their life, not yet ready for any commitment ect - including myself when I was a lot younger..(not for that long but still 😬) I'm happy to hear that you are doing better 👍♥️ and that you were able to have a good talk with your hairdresser ..
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 24, 2020 13:00:06 GMT
tnr9 - yeah I could kind of sence that you were pissed 😬 😊 I'm not pointing fingers at you. A lot of women have been in your situation , with men who wasn't that into them but who only wanted sex, who was bored ect - including myself when I was a lot younger..(not for that long but still 😬) I'm happy to hear that you are doing better 👍♥️ and that you were able to have a good talk with your hairdresser .. See...but I differ with you....because I do think he was “into me” (and I was there). He even admitted that at first he it was just a casual thing but that he grew to love me and I know he was sincere about it. B wasn’t about “using me”which is what your statements imply. I think however, as we approached a year of dating and his family invited me to more activities...he realized he did not see this as something that would lead to marriage. That is how it was. |
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Post by alexandra on Jun 24, 2020 18:18:43 GMT
tnr9, if you're just trying to understand the dynamic better and it's not to ruminate... you're generally in your anxious space, which is driven by fear of abandonment and patterned behavior to do what you can to avoid your perception of feeling abandoned. He has lots of addiction issues and is usually in his avoidant space, driven by fear of engulfment and avoiding his internal pain. But assuming he's FA, he can also get into dynamics, compounded by general life circumstances, that will start him off from an anxious space more familiar to you, where he instead acts out of the fear of abandonment side. FAs can switch like that. So you don't recognize your own mindset in his series of decisions, because you two don't share the same mindset in this case. Your behavioral patterns are different because you're looking at it in the context of your own anxious side and his avoidant side you know so well. So imagine if those were switched. You have an avoidant side so can perhaps identify with his, and he has an anxious side even though your dynamic didn't often bring it out in him. But either way, someone operating from a triggered and fearful place is bad for the relationship. It's not like it would have ended up working better if he got anxious with you instead of avoidant. For his new partner's sake, I hope he truly can change and get his addictions healed before they have kids, but I'd be more surprised than not if things pan out happily ever after for her and any children... I expect it'll be a rough road for all of them :/
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 24, 2020 20:53:10 GMT
tnr9 , if you're just trying to understand the dynamic better and it's not to ruminate... you're generally in your anxious space, which is driven by fear of abandonment and patterned behavior to do what you can to avoid your perception of feeling abandoned. He has lots of addiction issues and is usually in his avoidant space, driven by fear of engulfment and avoiding his internal pain. But assuming he's FA, he can also get into dynamics, compounded by general life circumstances, that will start him off from an anxious space more familiar to you, where he instead acts out of the fear of abandonment side. FAs can switch like that. So you don't recognize your own mindset in his series of decisions, because you two don't share the same mindset in this case. Your behavioral patterns are different because you're looking at it in the context of your own anxious side and his avoidant side you know so well. So imagine if those were switched. You have an avoidant side so can perhaps identify with his, and he has an anxious side even though your dynamic didn't often bring it out in him. But either way, someone operating from a triggered and fearful place is bad for the relationship. It's not like it would have ended up working better if he got anxious with you instead of avoidant. For his new partner's sake, I hope he truly can change and get his addictions healed before they have kids, but I'd be more surprised than not if things pan out happily ever after for her and any children... I expect it'll be a rough road for all of them :/ Yes...this helps.....I do appreciate it a lot. I will admit....it is weird to have no one to talk about on these boards....lol....but a good kind of weird. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 24, 2020 20:55:52 GMT
Hi all....although I am moving in the right direction and am focused on changes I need to make....I still do not fully understand what happened with B with the girl after me. Is it typical for someone who leans more avoidant and has had a history of short term relationships (less then a year) to suddenly move very quickly in a relationship? I just don’t have a background in this as I have leaned very anxious in all my relationships and never got involved with someone I had “doubts” about or just wanted something “casual” so that is a bit foreign to me. I do get the moving full speed...but only after being that way on every relationship...I have not flipped. So any insight is appreciated. Again, just trying to understand. I know it’s very tempting to keep trying to figure things out, as I still catch myself doing this wit my ex, but you’re spinning your wheels doing that. You will most likely never fully understand or figure it out, you have to probably try to accept or come to terms with the mystery of it...really, so much of life is like this. We will not understand why a lot of things happen, as painful as that is. Hey Amber...thankfully I am beyond the trying to figure it out phase and just am trying to understand the dynamic. Nothing more to consider since he is married. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2020 0:22:50 GMT
just my two cents about "trying to understand" because I had so many situations like that as well! It's a very AP thing to do to try to understand everything and make sense of it all. I think there's a point where you just won't, because information is always asymmetrical - you simply do not know enough about him to fully make sense of things, for example, you don't know what he really thinks/feels/dreams about.
my turning point for me as an AP was to accept that something is not for me if it's a confusing situation. if it's not something i can understand, even after explaining, it just means to walk away from it, drop it, and move on. that is the only way you will understand because you may gain new insights by moving on and having new experiences etc etc. i really tried very hard to understand the DA exes I've had, but the truth is, no matter how they much they were into me, they didn't choose me. at the end of a very practical day, choice is what matters because that is what is real life.
also B sounds like not quite a catch - the real question is why are you still trying to understand that dynamic? is this because you think it'll help you understand where you are at? what do you think it'll help you with?
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