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Post by tnr9 on Jun 25, 2020 3:02:43 GMT
just my two cents about "trying to understand" because I had so many situations like that as well! It's a very AP thing to do to try to understand everything and make sense of it all. I think there's a point where you just won't, because information is always asymmetrical - you simply do not know enough about him to fully make sense of things, for example, you don't know what he really thinks/feels/dreams about. my turning point for me as an AP was to accept that something is not for me if it's a confusing situation. if it's not something i can understand, even after explaining, it just means to walk away from it, drop it, and move on. that is the only way you will understand because you may gain new insights by moving on and having new experiences etc etc. i really tried very hard to understand the DA exes I've had, but the truth is, no matter how they much they were into me, they didn't choose me. at the end of a very practical day, choice is what matters because that is what is real life. also B sounds like not quite a catch - the real question is why are you still trying to understand that dynamic? is this because you think it'll help you understand where you are at? what do you think it'll help you with? I am curious about it in general because I have never flopped from being anxious in a series of relationships to being avoidant which B did the opposite of...when from being in a series of relationships where he was avoidant to be the pursuer. Sure, for a while I wanted to understand from an AP perspective, but now I just want to understand in general. Alexandra provided a really sound explanation that makes sense so I am good.  |
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Post by toodles on Sept 30, 2020 8:43:50 GMT
Like others said, he wasn't into you, but that pill is hard to swallow, is it not?
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 1, 2020 4:16:42 GMT
toodles....I have had many discussions on that very topic with my therapist and we have both concluded that he was into me. That this was not just a fling...that he did have feelings for me and that we both truly cared about each other. And since she is closer to this situation than anyone who is responding based on tidbits of information on a message board, I will leave it at that. As to him moving quickly with another girl, we determined that she likely has caused him to flip from avoidant to anxious which would cause him to chase her. Honestly though, it has been three months since I created this post and I am in such a better place. I welcome you to these boards.
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Post by annieb on Oct 1, 2020 12:07:56 GMT
I’ve not known a DA to turn anxious. They just cut off and do their own thing subject to cultural customs. That would be logical. But I’ve had experiences of that and avoidants flipping and you get a glimpse of where their head is at. They deal with low self worth (even though it’s characterized as high self esteem, in my opinion it is a false high self esteem), and if you accidentally “reject them” in their head mostly, they will flip. And you’ll get this super weird egotistical self loathing narrative from them. |
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Post by mrob on Oct 2, 2020 12:01:56 GMT
I’ve not known a DA to turn anxious. They just cut off and do their own thing subject to cultural customs. That would be logical. But I’ve had experiences of that and avoidants flipping and you get a glimpse of where their head is at. They deal with low self worth (even though it’s characterized as high self esteem, in my opinion it is a false high self esteem), and if you accidentally “reject them” in their head mostly, they will flip. And you’ll get this super weird egotistical self loathing narrative from them. Yes. I’ve done it. Attachment theory has eased this to an extent. I reject the hostile language you’re using in this and other threads towards, in this case, fearful avoidants. I urge you to understand that for an unaware FA, all this can seem crazy, too. |
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Post by annieb on Oct 2, 2020 12:37:41 GMT
That would be logical. But I’ve had experiences of that and avoidants flipping and you get a glimpse of where their head is at. They deal with low self worth (even though it’s characterized as high self esteem, in my opinion it is a false high self esteem), and if you accidentally “reject them” in their head mostly, they will flip. And you’ll get this super weird egotistical self loathing narrative from them. Yes. I’ve done it. Attachment theory has eased this to an extent. I reject the hostile language you’re using in this and other threads towards, in this case, fearful avoidants. I urge you to understand that for an unaware FA, all this can seem crazy, too. Sorry this offends! maybe not cuddly, but my speaking style is general in life is this way because I want to get my point across and I don’t want to waste people’s time with cuddling them. Maybe not the right approach, but manipulating with my speech is not usually my intent (anymore, although in the past it may not have been intent, but I think I used the soft approach and if I used that now it would feel manipulative). I intend to use language to get my point across because I think it’s important. I’m myself a FA, or former rather, I hope, and I’ve definitely changed. Even reading back my posts, from maybe three years ago I remember how I felt then and who I was and who I am now. For what it’s worth imagine the same person loathing themselves and rejecting themselves even a few years ago and now being in a completely different place emotionally and what that 180 mindset shift would do to one’s intent. I guess I’m thrilled basically that this happened to me, and that I was able to get there. And I’m sharing. |
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Post by mrob on Oct 4, 2020 5:44:53 GMT
So, you saw the actions of yourself as an unaware FA as weird egotistical self loathing? I find that to be an insult to somebody who wouldn't know to act any different as a result of childhood wounding. Egotistical implying deliberate intent to hurt.
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Post by annieb on Oct 4, 2020 13:16:31 GMT
The definition of egotistical in dictionary: excessively conceited or absorbed in oneself; self-centered. I’m not implying deliberate intent to hurt (quite the opposite actually). I’m saying that while I was self loathing and with no self esteem, I was still self absorbed. I think that’s one of the hardest hurdles to understand as a depressed person in general, and is often taken as an insult by one, when pointed out.
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