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Post by femmefatale on Jun 27, 2020 22:48:13 GMT
I’d keep in mind that you can’t force the pace with an FA. Now maybe an EFT couples therapist could, but I doubt you could. So you want to work on x, Y and z today? Well guess what? You’re FA significant other wants to zone out for 3 hours instead. Now anything you say is value judging him, but it’s also the only spot he feels comfortable at the moment. This is how it plays out for me. I’m the FA btw. I find doing my own therapy is more helpful because it’s about me Not about the other person. And I don’t like to be forced to be vulnerable. It feels very unsafe. That's fair, I understand that forcing is doing the opposite of what we need. I believe its the inconsistency that leads me to feel frustrated. If this was all distancing and deactivating I would know that I had no hope, but the inconsistency with it makes it harder and harder because I get parts of her and then they're gone. Its as if we're making progress and then nothing. |
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Post by femmefatale on Jun 27, 2020 22:49:17 GMT
You need to decide what you want and what you're okay with. What's happening here is you're both in different places in your own process (it sounds like you are further ahead and more internally motivated, and your partner is saying they want change but their steps backwards each time and size of the walls they keep hitting shows you that actions and words aren't lining up and they're not truly quite ready yet). You can't do anything to influence where they are or at what speed, you can only work on your own journey. So if you then assume things may continue to be where they are indefinitely, ie seeing what's in front of you instead of seeing potential, are you comfortable with having a sex-less existence and continuing to have a disconnect if you don't converge to the same emotional place? This is very good advice thank you. |
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Post by femmefatale on Jun 27, 2020 22:51:13 GMT
Also, if you’re mature enough to have a dispassionate conversation about masturbation and porn, he has to pretty much stop this. Not to be too crass, but in order for someone like him to have an active sex 𝙇𝙞𝙛𝙚 (I’m similar), he has to be backed up- at least the testosterone. If he’s getting sexual dopamine elsewhere, you’ll forever be frozen out. Because that comes without intimacy, and it’s comfortable, and also fantasy. Most people attack the other person about this though, so it becomes a source of shame. Again though, this has to come from him, not you. They are a she, I mainly was using genderless pronouns to avoid assumptions/bias. I've definitely never attacked her in regards to this but I had at one point suggested we remove masturbation out of the equation to facilitate moving forward intimately but I don't believe it was ever addressed after that. |
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Post by femmefatale on Jun 27, 2020 22:56:18 GMT
The only advice I have for you is to focus on you. They can do whatever the have to do to make this work and you can either accept this relationship or let it go. And by accepting I mean they have to take initiative in their own healing and not you. It’s is not your job to show them the ropes, and it’s not your job to train them into a partner. That is their job. If the therapist said to end the relationship it’s probably because the relationship is damaging to them at the moment, they are probably very much struggling with the situation and I think the therapist only want the best for them. If they really wanted to work through things they would have stuck with that therapist. But they didn’t even get that far, and there is more to the story. Decide if this situationship at best work for you. If you adjust your expectations and it’s still something you want to pursue by all means. But it’s not your job to be their therapist or their mom. It’s their job to seek out help and therapy if they are so unhappy. You’re in a way enabling their issues believe it or not. This is understandable and at times I feel I am enabling things. I'm also more hyperfocused on my own behaviour and growth in how i perceive things. It's allowed me to reflect on my own expectations and attachment which im grateful for but it's also made it clearer to me that there is a stall on her end to progress. At times it feels as if shes so afraid of us moving forward and being us again that when we do make progress she recoils. I'd mentioned that to her and how at times it feels that shes intentionally pushing me to see where I'll break. I also know this behaviour is out of her control until she recognizes it. The times I have sternly addressed my hurt about these situations and frustrations I notice a pattern of her making an effort and pushing forward but you are right that I am not her therapist or her mom and I need to recognize that in regards to this situation and evaluate at what point am i enabling vs being supportive in her progress. I suppose the line is if she isnt trying to do self work ( which I know she has and has shared with me her thoughts) then I dont see the purpose in staying. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 28, 2020 0:29:20 GMT
The only advice I have for you is to focus on you. They can do whatever the have to do to make this work and you can either accept this relationship or let it go. And by accepting I mean they have to take initiative in their own healing and not you. It’s is not your job to show them the ropes, and it’s not your job to train them into a partner. That is their job. If the therapist said to end the relationship it’s probably because the relationship is damaging to them at the moment, they are probably very much struggling with the situation and I think the therapist only want the best for them. If they really wanted to work through things they would have stuck with that therapist. But they didn’t even get that far, and there is more to the story. Decide if this situationship at best work for you. If you adjust your expectations and it’s still something you want to pursue by all means. But it’s not your job to be their therapist or their mom. It’s their job to seek out help and therapy if they are so unhappy. You’re in a way enabling their issues believe it or not. This is understandable and at times I feel I am enabling things. I'm also more hyperfocused on my own behaviour and growth in how i perceive things. It's allowed me to reflect on my own expectations and attachment which im grateful for but it's also made it clearer to me that there is a stall on her end to progress. At times it feels as if shes so afraid of us moving forward and being us again that when we do make progress she recoils. I'd mentioned that to her and how at times it feels that shes intentionally pushing me to see where I'll break. I also know this behaviour is out of her control until she recognizes it. The times I have sternly addressed my hurt about these situations and frustrations I notice a pattern of her making an effort and pushing forward but you are right that I am not her therapist or her mom and I need to recognize that in regards to this situation and evaluate at what point am i enabling vs being supportive in her progress. I suppose the line is if she isnt trying to do self work ( which I know she has and has shared with me her thoughts) then I dont see the purpose in staying. I am sure you are aware that discussing your hurts sternly is likely activating a fear in her of abandonment...thus swing to the other side of the FA pendulum. Have you tried to be curious with her? Try to find out what is going on through her lens? |
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Post by femmefatale on Jun 28, 2020 0:59:00 GMT
This is understandable and at times I feel I am enabling things. I'm also more hyperfocused on my own behaviour and growth in how i perceive things. It's allowed me to reflect on my own expectations and attachment which im grateful for but it's also made it clearer to me that there is a stall on her end to progress. At times it feels as if shes so afraid of us moving forward and being us again that when we do make progress she recoils. I'd mentioned that to her and how at times it feels that shes intentionally pushing me to see where I'll break. I also know this behaviour is out of her control until she recognizes it. The times I have sternly addressed my hurt about these situations and frustrations I notice a pattern of her making an effort and pushing forward but you are right that I am not her therapist or her mom and I need to recognize that in regards to this situation and evaluate at what point am i enabling vs being supportive in her progress. I suppose the line is if she isnt trying to do self work ( which I know she has and has shared with me her thoughts) then I dont see the purpose in staying. I am sure you are aware that discussing your hurts sternly is likely activating a fear in her of abandonment...thus swing to the other side of the FA pendulum. Have you tried to be curious with her? Try to find out what is going on through her lens? Sorry that was my mistake, I didn’t mean sternly but rather directly. I have asked before about her views and how she perceives things it’s mostly a matter of her seeing me for everything that she wants and loves but then feeling like there’s a disconnect still. She describes it as “ it’s like I see everything in front of me but it’s just out of reach” |
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Post by amber on Jun 28, 2020 2:04:09 GMT
Hmmm I feel your pain. I broke up with my ex FA and he did not want to work on himself; he told me later after we split that he felt pressure from me when I suggested he start taking small steps to work on himself.
Just to give you an idea of the time it can take to heal this stuff (you probably have some idea already how slow it usually is); Kathy Kain who is a well known somatic experiencing teacher and writes a lot about attachement states it takes 1-2 years for someone to regulate their nervous system and become more healthy, and that is with regular therapy doing somatic experiencing. That is not just flailing along by oneself doing not much at all. She states the more severe the trauma the more simple the therapy and tasks the person undertakes to heal themselves needs to be..I say this because you wanting to do EFT with her is likely overwhelming her nervous system and will probably lead to shut down.
Another protocol I’ve been following to work towards healing attachment injuries and work towards secure is by the work of daniel brown, and his protocol involves working with a trained specialist to visualise ideal parent figures. He states this takes 1- 3 years to reach secure attachment. And that is working with a therapist weekly and doing the protocol at home on an almost daily basis.
I’ve been doing somatic experiencing and Daniel browns protocol For about the last 4-5 months. I have AP attachment style. I am definelty seeing changes but it’s slow. It’s two steps forward,one step back. Now they say FA is the hardest attachment style to change as it’s the result of usually the most severe form of neglect/abusein childhood.
I share this with you because I think a lot of us here including myself have false hopes about our partners changing. The reality is that even with hard, intentional and persistent efforts, it takes a long time to change and you have to decide if you want to stick around and see if that person has the willingness AND resources available to them in order for the change to occur.
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Post by amber on Jun 28, 2020 2:11:39 GMT
Hmmm I feel your pain. I broke up with my ex FA and he did not want to work on himself; he told me later after we split that he felt pressure from me when I suggested he start taking small steps to work on himself. Just to give you an idea of the time it can take to heal this stuff (you probably have some idea already how slow it usually is); Kathy Kain who is a well known somatic experiencing teacher and writes a lot about attachement states it takes 1-2 years for someone to regulate their nervous system and become more healthy, and that is with regular therapy doing somatic experiencing. That is not just flailing along by oneself doing not much at all. She states the more severe the trauma the more simple the therapy and tasks the person undertakes to heal themselves needs to be..I say this because you wanting to do EFT with her is likely overwhelming her nervous system and will probably lead to shut down. Another protocol I’ve been following to work towards healing attachment injuries and work towards secure is by the work of daniel brown, and his protocol involves working with a trained specialist to visualise ideal parent figures. He states this takes 1- 3 years to reach secure attachment. And that is working with a therapist weekly and doing the protocol at home on an almost daily basis. I’ve been doing somatic experiencing and Daniel browns protocol For about the last 4-5 months. I have AP attachment style. I am definelty seeing changes but it’s slow. It’s two steps forward,one step back. Now they say FA is the hardest attachment style to change as it’s the result of usually the most severe form of neglect/abusein childhood. I share this with you because I think a lot of us here including myself have false hopes about our partners changing. The reality is that even with hard, intentional and persistent efforts, it takes a long time to change and you have to decide if you want to stick around and see if that person has the willingness AND resources available to them in order for the change to occur. Of course the examples I’ve given are not the only way to heal attachment injuries, but just using these as a way to show that even with methods such as somatic experiencing which is considered fairly gold standard for resetting the way the nervous system operates (which in turn helps attachment styles) it’s a slow process.this was good for me as a reality check when I came to this realisation. |
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