Any way to stop being “stashed”

mads-I tend to be a big "compartmentalizer" and I can see why this is painful. I have no idea how your ex thinks, but I can tell you one of the things that is huge, HUGE for me is that I want to feel like a) I have a private life that is my own and JUST AS IMPORTANTLY b) my partner has a private life that is their own and that freedom, to me, is actually showing them love. This is actually one of the top 5 things to me in a relationship and so I always want them to feel safe to have a life outside of the relationship where I am not going to be intruding on that in any way (haha I am even weird about following them on social media and stuff! Want them to feel like they aren't being monitored and I expect that same treatment back). I only bring this up not in any way to excuse it, but to maybe help you see that the intentions can be totally and completely innocent though not very conducive to a good relationship. Now his intentions may be similar or may be different (I know some people like to keep friends and partners separate as a way of keeping the person at more of a distance (I am also guilty of this) or because they are even embarrassed of their own friends. Who knows what the reasons are).

I would say this-the only way to deal with it is to speak to him about it. Period. I think you have to literally say what you have said here-that you aren't ok with feeling compartmentalized in his life. And you also need to be realistic about if you are willing to accept the terms as he lays them out if he doesn't want to change that.

I am sorry you feel this way and you're going through this

Hi mads,

I'm actually going through this exact situation as we speak.  It's a long holiday weekend where we had plans for me to meet his other group of friends for the first time after 5 years of us being a couple.  I was so excited I even when out shopping for an outfit, and felt like it was a nice, big step.  Then he started a fight with me today over something that happened when we weren't together!  

To me it's just an excuse to get out of introducing me to these friends and being able to go to this pool party with him. I was stashed all throughout our relationship.  We broke up, he came back claiming to wanting a real relationship and yet not even a month in he's finding excuses to start a fight so he can keep stashing me.  

It's not okay in my opinion.  Everyone is entitled to do their own thing with friends, but when it's a party with other girlfriends and wives and I'm not going to be a part of that equation yet again I can't deal.  I made no other plans, and now I get to sit at home while he's at this pool party.  I feel pretty done.

I recommend watching some of the Psychology in Seattle Videos on youtube. I went through the whole lineup of the 90 day fiance with Darcey videos and it was really helpful to hear Dr. Honda's take. So basically when these types (avoidant) say they don't mean to hurt you they mean it. Their intention is not to gaslight you, bet they do it by their coping (unaware) behavior. Their confusing behavior can be interpreted as gaslighting. But the definition of gaslighting is to purposefully make you feel crazy. I think a lot of us, who have stopped dating altogether are basically refusing to deal with unaware individuals, but we still encounter the same (defensive) behaviors at work and with friends. It's exhausting to deal with other people's defenses, to say the least. Especially your intimate partner's.