Post by mads on Aug 26, 2020 6:49:16 GMT
I posted before my entire story on this if you feel like reading another novel. But just checking in here. After 2.5 years relationship fell apart with my DA/FA bf after an emotional conversation I attempted to have after he was exhibiting some extreme distancing behaviors (complete sexual shutdown, also shutting me out emotionally and acting passive aggressive).
So, after this sort of breakup, we saw a therapist together for the first time, it didn’t really go well. The therapist kept asking him to look at my face when I said something kind of emotional. Not sure that was a great strategy. (This was on Zoom btw). He broke up with me on the call but the therapist didn’t notice and Ben also claimed he didn’t.
Following therapy, Ben basically ghosted me. I attempted to hang out 4th of July, but he let me know “that was a day he liked to enjoy”. I made my own plans. He mentioned he was leaving on a trip he was being secretive about and attempted to leave groceries outside my door before he left. He was acting weird. On the trip he was sending me photos and slowly revealed he was actually with 2 women and a guy. Platonic though. It definitely bothered me as he never planned a trip for us when we were dating. He ended up being gone for 3 weeks. He unshared his location with me somewhere near the end of the trip randomly around 1am some night even though we hadn’t spoken in a week (my therapist thought he did this for attention since I hadn’t responded to him in a week).
When he got back he hinted to me about getting some books of his and watching something. He also mentioned he was going to visit his mom in Palm Springs soon for a while. I asked if he wanted to hang before he left. He got weird and said something like “I’m always down to hang but it’s tricky right now, I’ll feel it out, etc” I said it felt like he was cutting me out of his life and I felt like I was bothering him so maybe we just shouldn’t talk. He then said something like, that he wanted to see me but it didn’t feel safe emotionally right now, that he “was not avoiding me, just getting away” and that it was about “his boundaries and being able to do what we want without guilt or shame.” That he felt maybe it was “easier to have the distance, so it didn’t feel like he was picking his friends over me.” At the end of the conversation it was revealed he was only visiting his mom for a day and then got a summer house down the street with the same crew of friends from the other month long trip. It did sting because him and I were going to get a month long summer house right before this all fell apart. He said something like “sorry this sucks. If u don’t want to talk I will respect that.” I said “i don’t think anything sucks. It’s just about your needs. U can do whatever you need to do.” He attempted to change the subject and chat with me about other stuff after that, but I didn’t really feel like it and stopped responding.
I know he is not involved with those women, but just the entire thing is sad. I don’t want to be with him at all anymore though. He is so far in denial and repressing his emotions I can’t ever see him coming out of that. I have no desire to reach out or talk to him at all. And I feel weirdly calm, more than ever before. I also connected with a secure I used to date casually years ago and just talking with someone who doesn’t have all these deactivation defenses up is so refreshing. He knows I am not ready to date though, as I’m still working on healing my own FA behaviors with therapy etc.
I am friends with several of my exes. I do wonder if that would ever be possible for Ben or if he will always see me as an attachment figure. He treats his friends like gold. I’d love if we could be friends, but I never want to date him again. I also can’t help but find it interesting he is able to be around friends this closely, it’s crazy to me how securely attached with friends he is. They just don’t trigger him whatsoever. Lastly, I wonder if this summer house thing could be lifetime fulfilling for him. It seems like the perfect situation. Social/shallow emotional met, no intimacy, arms length bonding, fun.. etc. Also just as an observation, the two women in his “summer house” are some of the most AP people I’ve ever witnessed. He would be running for this hills if either of them ever tried to cross that boundary. That harmed my relationship with him too, because his closer female friend was very excluding towards me. Anyway, what a mess, all of it. I’m sure it’s very common for avoidants to say stuff like “I’m not avoiding you, I’m just ______ (very obviously avoiding)” “I’m not picking my friends over you, I’m just _____” ....... but yeah, I regret ever pushing him to do the work he is so obviously not willing to do at all, but at least I learned a lot about myself in the process about what I need and won’t accept in the future.
So, after this sort of breakup, we saw a therapist together for the first time, it didn’t really go well. The therapist kept asking him to look at my face when I said something kind of emotional. Not sure that was a great strategy. (This was on Zoom btw). He broke up with me on the call but the therapist didn’t notice and Ben also claimed he didn’t.
Following therapy, Ben basically ghosted me. I attempted to hang out 4th of July, but he let me know “that was a day he liked to enjoy”. I made my own plans. He mentioned he was leaving on a trip he was being secretive about and attempted to leave groceries outside my door before he left. He was acting weird. On the trip he was sending me photos and slowly revealed he was actually with 2 women and a guy. Platonic though. It definitely bothered me as he never planned a trip for us when we were dating. He ended up being gone for 3 weeks. He unshared his location with me somewhere near the end of the trip randomly around 1am some night even though we hadn’t spoken in a week (my therapist thought he did this for attention since I hadn’t responded to him in a week).
When he got back he hinted to me about getting some books of his and watching something. He also mentioned he was going to visit his mom in Palm Springs soon for a while. I asked if he wanted to hang before he left. He got weird and said something like “I’m always down to hang but it’s tricky right now, I’ll feel it out, etc” I said it felt like he was cutting me out of his life and I felt like I was bothering him so maybe we just shouldn’t talk. He then said something like, that he wanted to see me but it didn’t feel safe emotionally right now, that he “was not avoiding me, just getting away” and that it was about “his boundaries and being able to do what we want without guilt or shame.” That he felt maybe it was “easier to have the distance, so it didn’t feel like he was picking his friends over me.” At the end of the conversation it was revealed he was only visiting his mom for a day and then got a summer house down the street with the same crew of friends from the other month long trip. It did sting because him and I were going to get a month long summer house right before this all fell apart. He said something like “sorry this sucks. If u don’t want to talk I will respect that.” I said “i don’t think anything sucks. It’s just about your needs. U can do whatever you need to do.” He attempted to change the subject and chat with me about other stuff after that, but I didn’t really feel like it and stopped responding.
I know he is not involved with those women, but just the entire thing is sad. I don’t want to be with him at all anymore though. He is so far in denial and repressing his emotions I can’t ever see him coming out of that. I have no desire to reach out or talk to him at all. And I feel weirdly calm, more than ever before. I also connected with a secure I used to date casually years ago and just talking with someone who doesn’t have all these deactivation defenses up is so refreshing. He knows I am not ready to date though, as I’m still working on healing my own FA behaviors with therapy etc.
I am friends with several of my exes. I do wonder if that would ever be possible for Ben or if he will always see me as an attachment figure. He treats his friends like gold. I’d love if we could be friends, but I never want to date him again. I also can’t help but find it interesting he is able to be around friends this closely, it’s crazy to me how securely attached with friends he is. They just don’t trigger him whatsoever. Lastly, I wonder if this summer house thing could be lifetime fulfilling for him. It seems like the perfect situation. Social/shallow emotional met, no intimacy, arms length bonding, fun.. etc. Also just as an observation, the two women in his “summer house” are some of the most AP people I’ve ever witnessed. He would be running for this hills if either of them ever tried to cross that boundary. That harmed my relationship with him too, because his closer female friend was very excluding towards me. Anyway, what a mess, all of it. I’m sure it’s very common for avoidants to say stuff like “I’m not avoiding you, I’m just ______ (very obviously avoiding)” “I’m not picking my friends over you, I’m just _____” ....... but yeah, I regret ever pushing him to do the work he is so obviously not willing to do at all, but at least I learned a lot about myself in the process about what I need and won’t accept in the future.