joan
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Posts: 100
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Post by joan on Aug 28, 2020 3:30:15 GMT
My FA who I thought was a DA for the longest time came back after a 4 month break up he initiated.
The reasons he gave for the break up was I lied about not following the diet we were on, and my insecurities brought him down, and his own internal issues/depression. The break up was sudden, and quick. I was absolutely devastated and heartbroken. It took me about 2 1/2 months of recovering from the break up before I started dating again.
I started casually dating a guy I ended up sleeping with. I didn't see long term with him, but for the moment he took me out of my head and helped me detach even more from my FA ex. At that point it had reached 4 months when my FA ex reached out to me via text. We texted back and forth, I invited him out for coffee but he said he'd rather come by my place.
Here's a little backstory. We were together for 4 1/2 years with no label of what we were, though we were very much a monogamous couple. He was always distant, needed a lot of space, said he didn't want a relationship with anyone, was emotionally closed, and couldn't handle talks about us. It was a constant cycle of him breaking up with me and me chasing him to stay. We were the classic DA/AP mix or so I thought.
When he came over I tried to keep it as friendly as possible. I thought he was completely over me as I felt I was mostly over him. I told him how I was dating, and with all honesty I said it thinking he'd be happy that I had moved on. He'd always told me when we were together I needed to find a real boyfriend. When I told him that he started I started dating, he started getting teary eyed and said he thought about me everyday and realized he loved me. He said he was devastated to hear I'd been dating. Mind you, he's never come close to telling me he loved me and would always tell me his feelings for me weren't as deep as mine for him. He said he came back because he wants to be with me and can't live without me.
He said a lot more, but everything he said was a total 180 from everything he'd told me prior to the break up.
My fear is once we start to get comfortable again he'll start deactivating. Also he's obsessing over the guy I was dating and has been stalking his Instagram, and questioning me endlessly about him. Can any FA's give me more insight about his behavior. A part of me believes he went out to find someone else, didn't find anyone better or that he wanted and that's why he's back. Another part of me thinks it's an FA thing.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 28, 2020 4:25:24 GMT
joan, don't get caught in the dance. This is totally in line with an FA pattern -- but since you are anxious you're used to him triggered avoidant so this seems new. But it's not, he's now triggered anxious. You're correct that if you try again, things will probably be good for a few weeks, then he'll deactivate, 180 again, rinse, repeat. I know you want to believe in the love, but nothing's actually changed and can't until he gets really serious about changing himself -- with or without you, not to placate you into coming back long enough to soothe his anxiety. FA is come-here-NO,NOTTHATCLOSE!-go-away-TOOFARCOMEBACK, repeat endlessly. You're bound to end up back at the start and then the finish again if you take him up on this. Keep working on your own progress, no matter how difficult that seems... if he's serious about changing, he'll let you know after he can prove to you he's done his work (proving it means, at the minimum, fully direct and open communication, vulnerability, and consistency in these things over several months). That's not what's happening here, though.
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alice
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Posts: 128
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Post by alice on Aug 28, 2020 15:13:15 GMT
4.5 years and he didn't love you then? But he loves you now that you're seeing someone else.... This is FA damage control. Nothing more to add really than what Alexandra said. It's very obvious from the outside what is going on here, but I know it's harder to see when you're in the thick of it. I hope the time you took to try to move on can help you see that and not fall back into the pattern.
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Post by nyc718 on Aug 28, 2020 18:23:12 GMT
He said a lot more, but everything he said was a total 180 from everything he'd told me prior to the break up. My fear is once we start to get comfortable again he'll start deactivating. Also he's obsessing over the guy I was dating and has been stalking his Instagram, and questioning me endlessly about him. There's nothing secure about this at all, and I know it's painful, but the best thing to do is to leave it alone. He is not capable of being in a healthy relationship. And you also need to do some self-care so you can not be in these types of relationships any more. That's a long time to feel so insecure with someone. |
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Post by BecomingMe on Aug 29, 2020 3:49:23 GMT
joan, sorry for your pain. I can only imagine how confusing/hopeful this must feel. You are right - this is a dance. It might feel nice for the first few months, your ex might even show signs of closeness/commitment. But if he hasn't done self work/therapy, you will most probably end up where were right at the beginning. His terror will set it as time goes by. I(a very dismissive leaning FA) have been doing a lot of body work experience with my therapist and I realised how much terror/fear and fight/flight state I was constantly operating in. Therapy was what was needed for me to finally calm down my system(both body and mind). I say all this because what you're probably observing in your FA with his flight response calmed down(due to the 4+ months distance). Please don't take this as a statement(I wouldn't presume to know what is going on with your FA), but consider it as a possibility. Closeness and intimacy will start activating those nervous systems responses of "relationship equate to danger". This is not even a conscious thought for most of us who have Avoidant attachment patterns, it's just a basic survival response. It didn't start with you and it won't stop with you, unless he helps himself. If he does not, the cycle will repeat endlessly. If you want to understand more about FAs and their attachment pattern(especially from a SE perspective) please see @annie12 's thread about it in the general section. All the best.
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joan
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Posts: 100
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Post by joan on Sept 5, 2020 1:45:53 GMT
joan , don't get caught in the dance. This is totally in line with an FA pattern -- but since you are anxious you're used to him triggered avoidant so this seems new. But it's not, he's now triggered anxious. You're correct that if you try again, things will probably be good for a few weeks, then he'll deactivate, 180 again, rinse, repeat. I know you want to believe in the love, but nothing's actually changed and can't until he gets really serious about changing himself -- with or without you, not to placate you into coming back long enough to soothe his anxiety. FA is come-here-NO,NOTTHATCLOSE!-go-away-TOOFARCOMEBACK, repeat endlessly. You're bound to end up back at the start and then the finish again if you take him up on this. Keep working on your own progress, no matter how difficult that seems... if he's serious about changing, he'll let you know after he can prove to you he's done his work (proving it means, at the minimum, fully direct and open communication, vulnerability, and consistency in these things over several months). That's not what's happening here, though. Yes Alexandra this has been totally new, adding a whole other dimension of confusion into the mix. When I finally convinced myself he was incapable of ever loving me or being able to love me it made it easier over time to let go. Then he comes back dangling this carrot of what a great relationship we could have by telling me how much loves me and can't be without met. Yet the moment he came back and found out I was with someone else he's used that as a reason for not being able to actually have this great relationship. I can't win. Either not that invested in me, to being overly invested, but too triggered to know if he can go all in. Nothing has changed. I'm back to not being able to sleep at night, feeling anxious all day waiting for the other shoe to drop and being on guard. From one day to the next it's either overly lovey dovey to threatening to walk away and block me. He will leave me again, I feel it. I know as an AP it feels nearly impossible to walk away on my own. I made the mistake of discontinuing to work on myself during our break up, but being back in this has me desperately looking into therapy again. I know this won't end well and I want to be prepared and not fall apart again. Thank you so much Alexandra for your enlightening response. |
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joan
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Posts: 100
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Post by joan on Sept 5, 2020 1:49:30 GMT
4.5 years and he didn't love you then? But he loves you now that you're seeing someone else.... This is FA damage control. Nothing more to add really than what Alexandra said. It's very obvious from the outside what is going on here, but I know it's harder to see when you're in the thick of it. I hope the time you took to try to move on can help you see that and not fall back into the pattern. I'm no longer seeing the other guy. Yeah kind of hard to believe that during the 4.5 years he couldn't feel anything for me, and then when he finds out I'd been with someone else he came to all these realizations about loving me. It feels like his ego or insecurities got triggered and that's all it is, not love. I am seeing it even though I'm emotionally in the thick of it, but I desperately wanted to believe. My common sense and instincts have not allowed me to believe it. |
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joan
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Posts: 100
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Post by joan on Sept 5, 2020 1:54:05 GMT
He said a lot more, but everything he said was a total 180 from everything he'd told me prior to the break up. My fear is once we start to get comfortable again he'll start deactivating. Also he's obsessing over the guy I was dating and has been stalking his Instagram, and questioning me endlessly about him. There's nothing secure about this at all, and I know it's painful, but the best thing to do is to leave it alone. He is not capable of being in a healthy relationship. And you also need to do some self-care so you can not be in these types of relationships any more. That's a long time to feel so insecure with someone. Extremely painful because he triggers all of my wounding that I thought I could bury versus face. I'm guilty of not following through on working on myself, and looked to an easier and quicker way. Dating and going out. I just wanted a break from all of the inner reflecting and enjoy life for a little bit. That just led me right back to this painful cycle. I'm very close to leaving this alone. I'm extremely mentally and emotionally exhausted and drained. I've put my all in, and i know it's not healthy. Relationships shouldn't be this painful and difficult. My brain knows that but my wounding and heart can't seem to catch up. |
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joan
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Posts: 100
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Post by joan on Sept 5, 2020 2:06:19 GMT
joan , sorry for your pain. I can only imagine how confusing/hopeful this must feel. You are right - this is a dance. It might feel nice for the first few months, your ex might even show signs of closeness/commitment. But if he hasn't done self work/therapy, you will most probably end up where were right at the beginning. His terror will set it as time goes by. I(a very dismissive leaning FA) have been doing a lot of body work experience with my therapist and I realised how much terror/fear and fight/flight state I was constantly operating in. Therapy was what was needed for me to finally calm down my system(both body and mind). I say all this because what you're probably observing in your FA with his flight response calmed down(due to the 4+ months distance). Please don't take this as a statement(I wouldn't presume to know what is going on with your FA), but consider it as a possibility. Closeness and intimacy will start activating those nervous systems responses of "relationship equate to danger". This is not even a conscious thought for most of us who have Avoidant attachment patterns, it's just a basic survival response. It didn't start with you and it won't stop with you, unless he helps himself. If he does not, the cycle will repeat endlessly. If you want to understand more about FAs and their attachment pattern(especially from a SE perspective) please see @annie12 's thread about it in the general section. All the best. Thank you for your empathy BecomingMe. Unfortunately it's only felt nice a few days here and there, but an equal amount has been pain and confusion. He claimed he did a lot of inner reflecting and even spoke with a therapist. Once. I know 4 months of inner reflection doesn't change anyone. Its'a start, but by far he's got so much more work to do on myself. I wanted to be there with him as he worked on himself, but I can see that's not going to happen. I definitely agree with you that the 4 months is what calmed his flight response. I didn't chase him or have any contact with him during that time so I got put up on a pedestal. Now that we've been back and I've held him to seeing me more and communicating with me more, he's held onto this conflict over this other guy. Another excuse to keep one foot out the door. I feel just about done with this. |
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joan
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Posts: 100
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Post by joan on Sept 5, 2020 2:15:27 GMT
joan , sorry for your pain. I can only imagine how confusing/hopeful this must feel. You are right - this is a dance. It might feel nice for the first few months, your ex might even show signs of closeness/commitment. But if he hasn't done self work/therapy, you will most probably end up where were right at the beginning. His terror will set it as time goes by. I(a very dismissive leaning FA) have been doing a lot of body work experience with my therapist and I realised how much terror/fear and fight/flight state I was constantly operating in. Therapy was what was needed for me to finally calm down my system(both body and mind). I say all this because what you're probably observing in your FA with his flight response calmed down(due to the 4+ months distance). Please don't take this as a statement(I wouldn't presume to know what is going on with your FA), but consider it as a possibility. Closeness and intimacy will start activating those nervous systems responses of "relationship equate to danger". This is not even a conscious thought for most of us who have Avoidant attachment patterns, it's just a basic survival response. It didn't start with you and it won't stop with you, unless he helps himself. If he does not, the cycle will repeat endlessly. If you want to understand more about FAs and their attachment pattern(especially from a SE perspective) please see @annie12 's thread about it in the general section. All the best. So true BecomingMe. It didn't take long for his terror to set in. If anything it set in the minute he came back. There's just been good and bad days, recently mostly bad. Already I feel myself falling back into the cycle of obsessing over him, feeling on edge all the time, and not being able to function so well. My APness has been triggered to the highest degree. I understand his fears, and have given him his time and space when he's gone into avoidant mode, and consoled and was there for him when he went anxious. What it comes down to is I need to start looking out for myself, and most likely walk away because this isn't bringing me happiness. |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 5, 2020 3:11:41 GMT
joan, a big turning point for me was when I started walking away from FA situations that weren't going anywhere or working out. Taking the initiative to be the one to decide to leave was huge for continuing to build my trust up in myself. I always explained what issues I was having in the relationship first, so it was never a blindside when I finally walked, but I spent decades of my life not doing that. My progress really ramped up when I was driven to rock-bottom despair after being dumped multiple times by the same long-term FA boyfriend (who, to this day, has never told me he loves me...). So if you feel you can't live like this anymore, trust your gut, go with that, draw your boundaries, be kind and respectful to him but prioritize your well-being. You can't fix his issues, only your own.
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alice
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Posts: 128
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Post by alice on Sept 5, 2020 12:27:00 GMT
4.5 years and he didn't love you then? But he loves you now that you're seeing someone else.... This is FA damage control. Nothing more to add really than what Alexandra said. It's very obvious from the outside what is going on here, but I know it's harder to see when you're in the thick of it. I hope the time you took to try to move on can help you see that and not fall back into the pattern. I'm no longer seeing the other guy. Yeah kind of hard to believe that during the 4.5 years he couldn't feel anything for me, and then when he finds out I'd been with someone else he came to all these realizations about loving me. It feels like his ego or insecurities got triggered and that's all it is, not love. I am seeing it even though I'm emotionally in the thick of it, but I desperately wanted to believe. My common sense and instincts have not allowed me to believe it. You're obviously not alone in getting your heart to catch up. It's a victory that you can cognitively see what is going on though. Examining and molding your heart to avoid these situations is the next big hurdle. The one thing I have struggled with, as an FA, is longing. It can feel like love because it is such a powerful feeling, and I would imagine this is what your FA is feeling. I personally find that to be cheap though. How can you love me when you're not with me but not when you ARE with me? Who or what is it that you really love? Something in your own head and imagination. I've been on both sides of this. Hang in there. You will feel stronger and proud of yourself when you've worked your way through it. |
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joan
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Post by joan on Sept 5, 2020 19:08:18 GMT
joan , a big turning point for me was when I started walking away from FA situations that weren't going anywhere or working out. Taking the initiative to be the one to decide to leave was huge for continuing to build my trust up in myself. I always explained what issues I was having in the relationship first, so it was never a blindside when I finally walked, but I spent decades of my life not doing that. My progress really ramped up when I was driven to rock-bottom despair after being dumped multiple times by the same long-term FA boyfriend (who, to this day, has never told me he loves me...). So if you feel you can't live like this anymore, trust your gut, go with that, draw your boundaries, be kind and respectful to him but prioritize your well-being. You can't fix his issues, only your own. Alexandra, That makes total sense that walking away on your own is a good way to build trust within yourself. I've always struggled to trust myself. I've never looked out for myself or even cared much for myself. Caring about myself is not allowing someone to continually hurt me, reject me, and put me down. It's also seeing that I'm staying in situations that hurt me when all I'm looking for is love, connection, understanding and support. |
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