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Post by seeking on Sept 28, 2020 2:17:01 GMT
Life has been utterly insane lately. And somehow without even realizing it there's been this person .... right along side all of it. We met on Match. He texted me. And through my final court stuff that started over a year and a half ago - though COVID, and my daughter going virtual, this guy was there texting me every day. Sweet as pie. Understanding. Real.
We had a phone conversation. And I didn't like his accent. I generally like his type accent, but his was a mix that felt jarring to me. And I immediately felt myself go, "Oh this isn't going to work." Dismiss.
Then he sent me 3 (out of like 100) texts that I thought "Oh, won't work." Nothing red-flaggish. Just like nothing, really.
Then I said "let's talk on zoom." Something in me told me not to dismiss him. He's been so kind. He's a great communicator. He seems sweet. Let me see him visually talking and maybe his accent will seem different. Maybe he was nervous <---- this felt like a more secure part of me coming through. This felt balanced.
So I tried to set up Zoom but he didn't make it. Then we tried this week, but I didn't make it. Then we tried today and he kept me to the time (I almost didn't make it). And there he was. And his accent, still odd, and a little strange, made more sense. We even talked about it - its influences.
I found this guy pretty delightful and our conversation was real. He just signed papers for a divorce (they were separated a long time). We talked all about relationships, communication, respect, expectations. We have a date next weekend. We didn't set details of the date but I liked that he directly asked me where I want this to go. And I was like "Let's meet."
But it's weird I got squirmy. I haven't had much time to myself. I haven't had much space from the intensity of life. Suddenly, I was like what the heck am I doing? And then I was excited. And then I reminded myself not to be. And that I've been in this exact place with like a dozen people before and it doesn't mean anything. And then I felt myself be a little avoidant. And then I felt like I could adore this person. And then I freaked out b/c he hasn't texted me yet, and started wondering if I should have had more "game" more "allure" -
So here I am. Life is busy and I'll get over it. But this familiar place is . . . familiar and sometimes dreaded, and sometimes exciting. And there's a younger part of me that gets "worked up" and it can be a little hard to contain.
Can use the reminder and reassurance - secure people don't need "game," right?
This is a new thing for me to just be natural with someone and be myself. Even though my mind is like "lose 10 lbs before next week," "Omg my hair, etc' etc"
And I guess I'm a little proud of myself because I found someone attractive not b/c of his avoidance or throwing me some kind of critical stare, but because he has a lot of what I'm looking for in terms of intelligence, people smarts, emotional intelligence, a job I can respect, and being kind and big-hearted and cultured (and a culture background that I value).
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Post by seeking on Sept 28, 2020 3:35:51 GMT
I think I am noticing my fears
That he will "disappoint" me
That he will reject me
I'd love to stay in a space of admiration, respect, and connection.
But I'm afraid I'll find a flaw in him. He'll find one in me.
Gosh. Just connection and love, like with a friend. Have to keep reminding myself of this.
Observing how crazy my head gets.
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Post by seeking on Sept 28, 2020 12:05:52 GMT
And then, last night, I realized, this is dad stuff. Or parent stuff. I wanted my parents to be a certain way, and to not "disappoint" me. I wanted to be able to respect them. I have no idea where that came from, but just been observing my process here.... so it's good to know that part seems to have some roots in something.
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Post by annieb on Sept 28, 2020 14:10:15 GMT
I think I am noticing my fears That he will "disappoint" me That he will reject me I'd love to stay in a space of admiration, respect, and connection. But I'm afraid I'll find a flaw in him. He'll find one in me. Gosh. Just connection and love, like with a friend. Have to keep reminding myself of this. Observing how crazy my head gets. You will absolutely find a flaw in him and he in you. I would even wait for that moment because that will be a moment a real relationship can start developing between the two of you. I would embrace that flaw coming:) |
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Post by seeking on Sept 28, 2020 19:25:07 GMT
You will absolutely find a flaw in him and he in you. I would even wait for that moment because that will be a moment a real relationship can start developing between the two of you. I would embrace that flaw coming:) Oh wow. Yes. This is beautiful and makes so much sense. |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 29, 2020 3:31:56 GMT
seeking, I played no games with my secure boyfriend. We just kept talking naturally and both took initiative. He reached out slightly more often than me over text, but if I wanted a call or video chat I'd need to take the initiative. He doesn't want hard to get, he wants direct and straightforward and is very happy with me being that way 
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Post by seeking on Sept 29, 2020 15:40:13 GMT
Alexandra, love that!
Last night, we were texting and he was saying how tired he was and that he didn't sleep well. I joked (which is where it started) - "it was all that talk about compromising and unmade beds." (This was referring to our zoom date conversation the day before about his parents generation staying married and what he thought was key to that - he said the ability to compromise) we talked about communication and how one partner may like things one way (not make a bed, things messier, etc).
So I started the joke and he replied something like "I'm a tough cookie to break" (I didn't know what that meant, actually). and "I was actually expecting a call from you. Lol."
Which I don't know what that meant either. Was he joking? Was he referring to our conversation about expectations?
Anyway, I got weirdly triggered - like he was playing games with me or something. I wrote "wait what?" And said "my brain is in overwhelm today" (it was, we both just established we had long days).
He said "I was just joking back to your lighter note about making bed so I said I'm a tough cookie to break."
(Still don't know what that metaphor means) and then we just sent a bunch of emojis and lightened it up again (I did). But I like that he explained a little and said "We had a long day!"
It was nice to diffuse that. And, really, there was nothing to "diffuse" - nothing happened. But it just served as a reminder that I still have PTSD from relationships and how easily triggered I can get (this was a super minor example) - I didn't really react, just felt an inner like "Oh no" - and that that is going to be my biggest obstacle. I'm working with a therapist on it.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Sept 29, 2020 19:29:32 GMT
Alexandra, love that! Last night, we were texting and he was saying how tired he was and that he didn't sleep well. I joked (which is where it started) - "it was all that talk about compromising and unmade beds." (This was referring to our zoom date conversation the day before about his parents generation staying married and what he thought was key to that - he said the ability to compromise) we talked about communication and how one partner may like things one way (not make a bed, things messier, etc). Remember there have been societal changes as well, it's not frowned upon to "chop and change" these days, back then due to religious views (christianity), divorce was deeply frowned upon, along with judgement, particularly the woman. There were a tonne of literally physically abusive relationships people endured their entire lives. These days, way easier to walk away over minor issues even. I in retrospect think this was also a reason my F-A ex. went avoidant. She didn't know how to take my jovial texts sometimes, mucking around to spice things up. This is definitely linked to self esteem massively. An example is my last girlfriend, a secure, she gave it back as much as I gave, ZERO negative emotional reactions, she knew what I was doing and viceversa, you can definitely tell this is happening from a secures perspective. It's not gameplaying it's to spice things up so to speak, little "non-abusive" jibes, or clearly "negging" (fake negative downplay) so brazenly obvious in person to garner a slap and laugh it's so outrageous, shock value humour so to speak. I can see where this may be misconstrued due to almost being on the receiving end of Complex PTSD inducing type behaviour from a parent/former partners. It's a difficult one to get around except literal explanation. Which btw I did sometimes, but to no avail. I feel you are doing the right thing not taking it personal, and just seeing who he is for now, as texts in particular can be taken the wrong way, and massive dramas created out of nothing for no reason. This is why it's best to meet in person, not text, but F-A's force texting due to fears. It's a vicious circle. |
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Post by serenity on Sept 29, 2020 20:22:18 GMT
He said "I was just joking back to your lighter note about making bed so I said I'm a tough cookie to break." (Still don't know what that metaphor means) and then we just sent a bunch of emojis and lightened it up again (I did). But I like that he explained a little and said "We had a long day!" It was nice to diffuse that. And, really, there was nothing to "diffuse" - nothing happened. But it just served as a reminder that I still have PTSD from relationships and how easily triggered I can get (this was a super minor example) - I didn't really react, just felt an inner like "Oh no" - and that that is going to be my biggest obstacle. I'm working with a therapist on it. I'd just take that to mean he's not easily flustered over little things (like making beds etc). I'm happy for you, with the way you've checked your impulses and taken time to think things through. Congrats meeting someone who has been sweet and there for you during the difficult year too! Relationship beginnings are usually a bit hard, because trust has not yet been established properly. You'll feel it when you feel it <3 |
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Post by serenity on Sept 29, 2020 20:26:42 GMT
I in retrospect think this was also a reason my F-A ex. went avoidant. She didn't know how to take my jovial texts sometimes, mucking around to spice things up. This is definitely linked to self esteem massively. An example is my last girlfriend, a secure, she gave it back as much as I gave, ZERO negative emotional reactions, she knew what I as doing and viceversa, you can definitely tell this is happening from a secures perspective. It's not gameplaying it's to spice things up so to speak, little "non-abusive" jibes, or clearly "negging" (fake negative downplay) so brazenly obvious in person to garner a slap and laugh it's so outrageous, shock value humour so to speak. I can see where this may be misconstrued due to almost being on the receiving end of Complex PTSD inducing type behaviour from a parent/former partners. It's a difficult one to get around except literal explanation. Which btw I did sometimes, but to no avail. I feel you are doing the right thing not taking it personal, and just seeing who he is for now, as texts in particular can be taken the wrong way, and massive dramas created out of nothing for no reason. This is why it's best to meet in person, not text, but F-A's force texting due to fears. It's a vicious circle. I love my friends who tease me like that, lol. Makes me laugh so much to be affectionately and outrageously negged or given a really stupid nickname, lol. Funny people are my favourites. |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Sept 29, 2020 22:56:32 GMT
I in retrospect think this was also a reason my F-A ex. went avoidant. She didn't know how to take my jovial texts sometimes, mucking around to spice things up. This is definitely linked to self esteem massively. An example is my last girlfriend, a secure, she gave it back as much as I gave, ZERO negative emotional reactions, she knew what I as doing and viceversa, you can definitely tell this is happening from a secures perspective. It's not gameplaying it's to spice things up so to speak, little "non-abusive" jibes, or clearly "negging" (fake negative downplay) so brazenly obvious in person to garner a slap and laugh it's so outrageous, shock value humour so to speak. I can see where this may be misconstrued due to almost being on the receiving end of Complex PTSD inducing type behaviour from a parent/former partners. It's a difficult one to get around except literal explanation. Which btw I did sometimes, but to no avail. I feel you are doing the right thing not taking it personal, and just seeing who he is for now, as texts in particular can be taken the wrong way, and massive dramas created out of nothing for no reason. This is why it's best to meet in person, not text, but F-A's force texting due to fears. It's a vicious circle. I love my friends who tease me like that, lol. Makes me laugh so much to be affectionately and outrageously negged or given a really stupid nickname, lol. Funny people are my favourites. This is where the "spice" comes from a secure imao, it doesn't have to be boring. I can't fathom the whole "if there is no drama" it's boring, but I presume because the nervous system is on "high alert", then it's expected, and if it's not there, it's almost not normal I presume. It's good you can take a joke so to speak, because to me, I look for that in female companions for what it's worth. Because in serious moments in life, you need laughter and humour. And there are plenty of serious moments in life to get through as we all know. |
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Post by seeking on Sept 30, 2020 3:17:53 GMT
"Remember there have been societal changes as well, it's not frowned upon to "chop and change" these days, back then due to religious views (christianity), divorce was deeply frowned upon, along with judgement, particularly the woman. There were a tonne of literally physically abusive relationships people endured their entire lives. These days, way easier to walk away over minor issues even. "
I agree, but I meant this more in the context of his culture - he comes from a culture of arranged marriages.
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Post by seeking on Oct 4, 2020 2:19:34 GMT
So the date went well.
And I'm clearly just very traumatized, which makes me sad. Despite knowing a lot about trauma, I sat at the end of the bench we shared today, so tense, perched there like a scared bird. He's so kind. His heart is huge. And I'm tense.
After, I got really wound up. Talked to my mom. Talked to a friend. My mom was like "You're overanalyzing" but I think that's just a coping mechanism for all the emotions that are welling up. I've been through a TON of trauma this past year, not to mention in general. Even recently ending a 2 year court case, being in another legal matter, having COVID, maybe having to move, pulling my kid from school. He knows about all this.
And I guess I just feel a bit raw, and beat up and ragged and scared, and then to meet this person who feels really rare. Instead of it feeling exciting and great, my nervous system seems to interpret it as another threat. And maybe it's just triggering grief or who knows what.
So we talked. And he asked me out again. He said he feels this connection. And like we've known each other (we have been talking for nearly 2 months and had a phone call, a zoom date, this was our first time in person). He's just so darn kind, it feels hard to let that in.
It's not particularly triggering avoidance, so I guess this is just massive anxiety. Not because he's avoidant, but facing _______________ (the real thing?) Feels terrifying.
Anyway. Gonna take some deep breaths.
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Post by seeking on Oct 6, 2020 12:28:15 GMT
Another update. I'm in with two different types of therapists. One says I'm anxious-preoccupied, one disorganized, but I guess we change with different relationships. The work toward secure is still my priority.
I had to "make a move" last night and share more about myself with him and where I'm at right now - basically PTSD. I'm not sure he totally gets it, but he is fine. I said I don't know if I was "myself" on the date because I'm still kind of recovering from what just happened in my life. But that I just need time to recover, yet still want to get to know him. It felt like "putting myself out there" but it also felt necessary; otherwise, we were just kind of riding this pleasant oddly professional sort of "how is your day going" "good, you?" over and over. And I think if things are going to "progress," there need to be a little more sharing and interaction between dates (we did share more about our lives on our last date).
I can't see him again for 2 weeks, so just trying to keep connected in the meantime - more than, again, just the kind of perfunctory "how are you" for two weeks.
So it felt good to assert me into it a little more. But it felt vulnerable. And I'm okay.
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