This place

This made me cry. Annie. Thank you.
I'm so glad for this board, the support. That I can post here.

Last night, on the phone, I was again like a scared bird, all bracing - my whole physiology was so tense.

Out of that physiology, I make up stories "he's not right for me." " etc etc "

I have a somatic experiencing therapist and a talk therapist (domestic violence) -

I may not be ready to date. I'm kind of regretting it now, although I really don't know when I'd ever be. I have been like this for 10 years! Relationships are great teaching tools and I learn a lot. But I may not be ready here. He is aware of this (on some level at least).

Is there a list somewhere of the dating phases? Does that exist?

He was the one who talked for 90 minutes. But I like what you said here: "If the other is too avaliable can make the ambivalent loose interest and can make the deorganised shut down and go into panic mode, pull back, when expericencing the loving contact." It makes me feel like I'm not crazy. I feel a bit in panic mode. Not quite loss of interest. More I can shut down.

I believe that if you can somehow maintain your own self worth throughout all of this, then you will not fall into this rollercoaster. Is there any way, any methods you've learned in therapy or here, or online that could help you keep a steady course of even self esteem? What do you think that could be? How could you remind yourself, when you are in the middle of these feelings that you are lovable? Self lovable.

I'll give you an example of what worked for me. Today even, when I was going through a bit of a downward spiral. I've been using duolingo and learning Swedish. It's one of the languages I had a chance to learn in highschool, but I blew it. And I feel like I have been given a second chance. Every time I open the app, I feel better, ever lesson I do, I remember self care, self love, and how good I am at languages. And what a gift it is, and it automatically starts to resonate with: I love myself. These exact words go through my head. I wouldn't say it happens easily, but it's pretty fast how it's been happening for me lately.

Hugs seeking,

I'm most anxious at the beginning of relationships too; once you've been seriously burned a few times I think its possibly wise to be a bit cautious?. I usually settle down comfortably after theres been a few opportunities for conflict to be resolved. It says so much about a person when they take your needs into account, and can communicate fairly and kindly during those times. Also, consistently responding to your bids for connection or communication really helps.

Attorney's get a bad rap, but I've seriously dated a couple and they were great communicators whose job is to see all sides of a situation. They are intelligent, articulate, and can be terrific partners and good during conflict. My only issue with the ones I dated (early 20's for me) is they had good money and so many opportunies with women, and that a young age they were wanting to explore all their advantages. But one of them is still a lifelong friend of mine and has has had my back through many difficult situations in life, including some legal ones. I'd date a compassionate attourney again in a heart beat. The machevilian ones can take a hike tho, lol.

Keep reminding yourself, 2 months knowing someone is early days. Try to enjoy him a bit? Sprinkle the relationship with laughter and joy, and be a source of joy yourself. You'll get to know one another soon enough <3

This is going to be really helpful for you. When I've felt overwhelmed by (AP) guys wanting to be in touch a lot, it's because they don't respond graciously if I'm busy and don't really respect my time (it's about them and their insecurity). Secure guys want to talk because they enjoy it but don't seem bothered if you aren't always available or if everything's not always on their terms / schedule. So hopefully his consistency and sincere respect of your boundaries / capability of being his own person diminishes you feeling guarded about him wanting to be in touch more!

Ah, lawyers:) Not to be the bearer of the bad news, but there is a disproportionate number of pathological people attracted to the profession and they are very aware of what and how they communicate.

I think follow all your instincts here because from this end what I can see they are spot on. Attachment theory and mother dearest notwithstanding if you know what I mean.

How about if something feels off, trust that feeling and it most likely is off. His latest responses seem off to me.

I would tread carefully and kudos to you getting to know yourself even more - especially the point about overcompensation with detail.

But all in all it is such early early days that so many things can come up that both of you would have no idea about, and you may or may not be a good fit. You are finding all that out right now.

As for calling the other guy - are you interested to get to know him? Then get to know him. The conversation could bring a new perspective. He could also be a total dud, and he could be a great friend and a person to know. Why not explore that?

As an avoidant I have plenty of experience with distancing and it is a painful feelings of detachment, disassociation, wanting love and pushing it away. But when I work on my self esteem and self love, I can manage it all so much better. I find that it’s my daily job to manage my self esteem. An hourly job. I need to always have a reminder to act on that, because it’s so easy to forget, it’s completely natural to neglect ourselves as avoidants.

I can tell apart my gut feelings from my attachment trauma. They are from different places for me in the body. It’s difficult, but maybe it’s good to jot down some of these feelings right after these conversations and pay attention where that feeling came from in the body and what exactly it felt like. And maybe this is a good place to really elaborate on those details. Then if you re-read it, it will be even more clear.

The tone I get from your writing is almost apologetic, like you don’t deserve happiness and like you don’t deserve to be making whatever choice your heart desires. It’s a bit of a codependent mindset that I get. I probably misuse that word. The proper word is dependent, I believe. But basically it’s handing over the power of how you feel about yourself to other people. And that needs to be reeled in to have a relationship, or you could be easily suckered into something that will be painful.

Thing is that you absolutely deserve to be content in your relationships and that you deserve to have clarity and freedom and happiness in that area of your life. We all do.

Lol, Annie. I know! This is exactly where I get torn.

Do I go "well, if I actually WANT a relationship than I have to put up with ______________ (all "reasonable" things - not like abuse or mistreatment)" i.e., someone not taking a vested interest in my work, someone not quite listening. Someone maybe good-intentioned who doesn't get it, etc.

Or do I move on? And is that avoidant. From what I hear and see, most people - like you said - don't have this - but they get the partnership, and the "someone there" - and the "someone to grab milk or pick up the kid" and the physical body in bed at night, and the person to be there when you're having a bad day maybe. And so I offered myself that. Rather than be alone. But then I get caught right where I am now in this kind of - but . .. but ... I wanted to be known/seen. Intimacy. 

Did you ever hear of that book Marry Him? It basically speaks to my first point - she's like just do it. Have someone to take out the trash, help pay the bills, etc. That's what most people have - don't buy into the illusion that there's more or you'll never settle down (basic message). So I feel like FINE! I can do that and get the other emotional intimacy, work-passion stuff elsewhere.

seeking, have you mentioned that your career is really important to you and you enjoy talking about it and asked if he is interesting in learning more? Are you primarily texting with each other? Sometimes people are awkward texters and it's easier to have conversations about most topics in person. It sounds like you're wanting him to do a lot of guess work and are assuming he should just know to ask you stuff but maybe he really just doesn't know.

It's also possible it's not a strong enough connection, but it sounds more to me from what you're saying that you've deactivated somewhat the last several days so I encourage you to try to communicate these needs a bit more before you shift focus, distance, or give up.

I also don't think the whole settling for a partner to just be there is a good strategy. It's actually part of the insecure mindset, in my opinion having been there myself and being in a different place now. Stemming, in part, from not feeling whole enough on your own and looking at a partner a bit transactionally for fulfilling needs you may have trouble with feeling good about on your own. Instead of feeling content with life first then finding a partner to make it even better. Different mindsets.