alice
Full Member
Posts: 128
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Post by alice on Oct 16, 2020 15:37:37 GMT
That is a bizarre development, lacking any common sense and ignoring boundaries. This. You are his ex and he clearly lacks any empathy for you, knowing he is in a new relationship and that you just found out. He should respect you and your space. It's incredibly rude. And I hope you are turned off by his behavior. |
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Post by kibbins on Oct 25, 2020 19:14:08 GMT
I’m sorry that once again I’m updating on this. Yesterday I received an email from my ex FA. Asking to speak with me. I unblocked 😒. He started being super honest and apologizing to me about not being honest with me before. He also asked to hang out to talk in person as friends, said his gf was out of town.. to have this talk. I declined. He started getting kind of vulnerable and told me about how it’s been eating him up inside regarding how he is dating his friend’s ex GF, in regard to telling his friend. That he could go on for hours about how much he has thought about it, though he has no second thoughts about dating her. That he wants to be the one to tell the friend. That he hopes he will hear him out, even if he tells him to fuck off. He also wanted me to know that his feelings for her are very real, genuine, and that it’s a healthy and safe dynamic for him, and that he wouldn’t be pursuing his friend’s ex otherwise, although he still wishes it was not his friend’s ex. That he didn’t tell anyone for a bit until he was able to figure out if they were a “real thing” or not. That he is not doing this to spite me. That his feelings were something he wasn’t able to control, but that he is happy. He again apologized for not telling me before and said he understood if this info made things between us awkward or not ready to be friends and he “didn’t want to disrespect me by pretending this was not a thing”. He also told me only me and a handful of his friends even know at this time.
I’m not totally sure why he needed me to know all this. He said it was because he knows I value people being honest and direct with me. He also knows that i have several exes in my life who are dear friends of mine. (He doesn’t). I can’t help but feel like 1.) his friend did all the heavy lifting of incorporating his gf into their friend group previously, a process that terrified him.. so maybe him dating someone in his friend group will make everything magically work out for some reason. 2.) I wonder if the fact that this is still a somewhat secret relationship is making it work better for the moment. Like maybe FAs are attracted to impossible situations like how they go after married people, although it seems he is planning to go public about this. 3.) somehow he has just....changed. for this person.
I don’t think he ever said such nice things about me at the beginning. Anyway, ouch. I’ve never gone thru such a painful and weird breakup.
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Post by alexandra on Oct 25, 2020 20:33:05 GMT
kibbins , I would look at this very differently than you are right now. I understand why you wanted to talk to him. You heard what he had to say, and you don't owe him anything, and after all this I'd definitely stop talking to him further. This is what I see: 1. He is going behind his girlfriend's back to talk to you. Why??? "Let's meet up in person when she's out of town." Uh, okay, no. I'm glad you said no to this, especially during covid. Him going behind her back to talk to an ex shows he does NOT properly respect her, and it is not a relationship with open communication and honesty. 2. He has a problem (of his own creation) he feels guilty about, and he's dumping it on you and hoping you'll validate and emotionally regulate him and his stress like you always have. NO. Wow, what an entitled jerk. No wonder he has no other friends to talk to about this. 3. His feelings being out of his control is complete BS. Yes, you can be overwhelmed with feelings, but saying flat out you have no control over your emotions is deflecting all responsibility for your life. Which means deflecting all responsibility for how you act towards others. That's immature and potentially abusive or destructive. It's complaining about things and not lifting a finger to actually try to do better, and not caring who you hurt along the way because you make the excuse "it wasn't my fault, it just happened." Add to that he has substance abuse issues... please run so far away from this toxic manchild. He did not change for this person at all, he's just triggered anxious and still running hot with her. He did not change at all (see my above 1-3). Yes, FAs are completely attracted to impossible situations and unavailable people -- that is practically in the definition of the attachment style (really, it's true for all 3 insecure attachment styles). It DOES make it more attractive to him that they have the drama and passion that comes from sneaking around and feeling overwhelmed knowing he should tell his friend. After that obstacle is cleared, he'll find ways to start going hot and cold with her as the drama won't be from external factors anymore. Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase run away and save yourself. Also consider that you are stuck on someone emotionally unavailable as well? You can do so much better, and I hope you are able to learn that you deserve much better! Don't settle for having this crap in your life.
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Post by serenity on Oct 25, 2020 21:24:30 GMT
What Alexandra said +100000 This man doesn't respect you at all Kibbins. He lied to you, cheated you, and used your good nature for years without concern or any loyalty to you. I agree with Alexandra, that he likely has swung anxious because of circumstances, including his friend's ex being involved with her ex ( and likely still pining for her ex) for most the time he's known her (and therefore she presented as emotionally unavailable). One of the "healing videos" by Thais Gibson I was watching last night was about how we can be drawn to selfish people when we are overly suppressing our own needs, and abandoning ourselves. She calls this "shadow work", where we find what we are suppressing, and bringing that to light to become more whole. When we do that, she says, we become less emotionally attracted to people who remind us of the suppressed parts of ourselves. There may be a really old, deeply buried, script running your emotional show, something like "my needs don't count" or "my needs won't be met no matter what I do". She suggests that the path to healing is bringing this old wound to light and finding ways to integrate your needs in healthy relationships, including better communication and setting and honoring your boundaries. You might be used to stuffing down your needs. You may be disconnected from them. You may need to learn to communicate them in new ways, with new kinds of people who actually care about you. I can't see any way your pathologically selfish ex could help you heal right now. Please block him properly, and work on healing. Go through Thais Gibsons videos, especially the ones about healing. youtu.be/KkpLvhdCBqI |
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Post by kibbins on Oct 25, 2020 22:21:04 GMT
kibbins , I would look at this very differently than you are right now. I understand why you wanted to talk to him. You heard what he had to say, and you don't owe him anything, and after all this I'd definitely stop talking to him further. This is what I see: 1. He is going behind his girlfriend's back to talk to you. Why??? "Let's meet up in person when she's out of town." Uh, okay, no. I'm glad you said no to this, especially during covid. Him going behind her back to talk to an ex shows he does NOT properly respect her, and it is not a relationship with open communication and honesty. 2. He has a problem (of his own creation) he feels guilty about, and he's dumping it on you and hoping you'll validate and emotionally regulate him and his stress like you always have. NO. Wow, what an entitled jerk. No wonder he has no other friends to talk to about this. 3. His feelings being out of his control is complete BS. Yes, you can be overwhelmed with feelings, but saying flat out you have no control over your emotions is deflecting all responsibility for your life. Which means deflecting all responsibility for how you act towards others. That's immature and potentially abusive or destructive. It's complaining about things and not lifting a finger to actually try to do better, and not caring who you hurt along the way because you make the excuse "it wasn't my fault, it just happened." Add to that he has substance abuse issues... please run so far away from this toxic manchild. He did not change for this person at all, he's just triggered anxious and still running hot with her. He did not change at all (see my above 1-3). Yes, FAs are completely attracted to impossible situations and unavailable people -- that is practically in the definition of the attachment style (really, it's true for all 3 insecure attachment styles). It DOES make it more attractive to him that they have the drama and passion that comes from sneaking around and feeling overwhelmed knowing he should tell his friend. After that obstacle is cleared, he'll find ways to start going hot and cold with her as the drama won't be from external factors anymore. Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase run away and save yourself. Also consider that you are stuck on someone emotionally unavailable as well? You can do so much better, and I hope you are able to learn that you deserve much better! Don't settle for having this crap in your life. Thanks alexandra, you've been on point about this this entire time, sad to see I started posting about this in 2018 with the same issues that just kept getting worse. 1. going behind her back to talk to me. he claimed that she knows that him and I are "trying to be friends" (we were?) and that she followed me on Instagram a couple weeks ago (and immediately unfollowed) with the intention of "making sure things were all healthy and it wasnt one of those typical ex-gf things". not even sure what thats supposed to mean but seems she is feeling a bit insecure already. 2. yes!! I was thinking this too. Definitely seems like he was trying to use me to assuage his guilty conscience. I'm glad I didn't. I mean, him coming to me with this now is not respectful. He was literally posting public Venmo transactions back and forth for months knowing me and Nick could see all of them. It was actually so disrespectful I didn't figure something could be going on between them because who does that..., but obviously, he is that fucked up. 3. Yes I wish I said this actually. To claim you had no control about pursuing his good friend's ex of a DECADE when there are billions of other people to date... Beyond selfish and immature, fits right in with his whole brand I'm kind of regretting not saying this stuff to him but it's not worth engaging again. Before he contacted I had felt like I was healing and moving on here, albeit slowly, and for him to just contact me once again to drag me thru this weird emotional mud with him in the name of him trying to feel like he's a good guy... and I think he actually feels like he was doing a good thing here. BTW, he kept repeatedly asking if I was sending our text convo to his friend (his gf's ex). His friend who I've met once. Don't have his number and why would I do that? Anyway, he's obviously feeling incredibly paranoid and guilty. Yes, I have so much work to do. |
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Post by kibbins on Oct 25, 2020 22:34:47 GMT
What Alexandra said +100000 This man doesn't respect you at all Kibbins. He lied to you, cheated you, and used your good nature for years without concern or any loyalty to you. I agree with Alexandra, that he likely has swung anxious because of circumstances, including his friend's ex being involved with her ex ( and likely still pining for her ex) for most the time he's known her (and therefore she presented as emotionally unavailable). One of the "healing videos" by Thais Gibson I was watching last night was about how we can be drawn to selfish people when we are overly suppressing our own needs, and abandoning ourselves. She calls this "shadow work", where we find what we are suppressing, and bringing that to light to become more whole. When we do that, she says, we become less emotionally attracted to people who remind us of the suppressed parts of ourselves. There may be a really old, deeply buried, script running your emotional show, something like "my needs don't count" or "my needs won't be met no matter what I do". She suggests that the path to healing is bringing this old wound to light and finding ways to integrate your needs in healthy relationships, including better communication and setting and honoring your boundaries. You might be used to stuffing down your needs. You may be disconnected from them. You may need to learn to communicate them in new ways, with new kinds of people who actually care about you. I can't see any way your pathologically selfish ex could help you heal right now. Please block him properly, and work on healing. Go through Thais Gibsons videos, especially the ones about healing. youtu.be/KkpLvhdCBqI That's a really good point about her presenting as emotionally unavailable.. I was sure there was something to that part of all of this. Although his friend broke up with her, she was still going back and forth and they literally got together as I was ignoring him texting me while on a trip with her, so he was doubly anxious. I also think she is an avoidant herself. The more I think about it now, the more of a mess I see their situation is. I'm really disappointed in myself that I let myself get this far with someone like him. I'm grateful I've had a couple long secure dating experiences prior so I know it's not supposed to be like this. As it went on the anxiety from this feels like it almost over my life also as it converged with me losing my job and just feeling really insecure in general I clung trying to fix this. Anyway, I've blocked him again and have been reconnecting with healthy people. Thanks for the video link! I've actually been looking into buying a couple books on shadow work lately as I've seen it mentioned a bit. I'm thinking about doing her course too. |
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Post by serenity on Oct 26, 2020 1:05:45 GMT
Sending hugs Kibbins, You likely did what most people do...followed the warmth and attraction, hoping and trying for the best. Noone teaches us about this in school and I wish it was taught to late teens at least  Interpreting attraction correctly, in context of our upbringing and core wounds, and knowing when to "observe" rather than act on attraction is one life skill that could prevent so much heart ache. Something Thai Gibson shone a light on for me is that my attachment style is FA (leaning secure), not "AP" (which is the usual diagnosis for anyone attached to an avoidant partner around here). If you dig around some of her videos, you may find that FA matches your attachment style too. She also gets into some very specific healing work if you were raised by a narcissistic , substance addicted, or enmeshed parent, and I found all what she has to say on these matters to be top of her field. I wish you the very best with your healing Kibbins. You've been mistreated, and I feel you can do a lot better with the right support. <3 |
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Post by Helsbells on Oct 26, 2020 11:52:22 GMT
I'm so sorry and truly relate to what you are going through right now. Even though I ended the relationship due to finding out he was talking to an ex who had struggled to get over him and had finally moved on and she was engaged. He disrespected her boundaries and contacted her telling her how wonderful she was and what a lucky man her fiancee was. I mean wtf. He got her all in a tail spin again. Baring in mind he was living with me at this point. I ended it telling him to never contact me again and blocked him. If I'm honest there probably was I part of me that wanted him to fight for the relationship, but no he rebounded within a month and has been travelling in his camper van around europe ever since. I dont believe hes change I believe because she is Canadian and will eventually have to go back to her own country that he feels comfortable and no real pressure to introduce her to any friends and family back in the uk. I believe the root is rejection for me, and winning someone over to feel like I matter "major childhood issue for me". The relationship with him was push and pull for 2.5 yrs and left me with alot of mental health issues that I'm still dealing with. His disregard for me cut very deeply. I was in a marriage to an alcoholic for nearly 30yrs that had less effect on me, probably because although he had drink issues his love and care for me was very real and he adored me in every way. I am now in a relationship with a man who adores me and shows up for me in every way possible and helping me to heal but I still have problems with image issues and being good enough due to his shit and insecurities and rejection that he pushed onto me. Constantly being rejected sexually and emotionally, making me feel like I didnt matter, stashing me away from his family and friends, lusting over young pretty celebrities in front of me, fault finding it sure triggered my childhood wounds that cut so deep it has changed me forever, or is still certainly playing out now no matter what my new man tells me. Please stay away from this man child he will only have thoughts for himself and his public image and people pleasing ways. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect dont indulge in him trying to ease his own conscience at the cost of your mental health. Keep sharing your thoughts and feelings on hear with people who really care about you and your wellbeing. serenity and alexandra and lots of others on this forum got me through the worst of my nightmare and although I've never met them in person helped me more than I can say by taking the time to write to me on hear. I am so truly grateful for this space to get support from others who really truly understand without any judgement on experience love and care. I send you loving caring thoughts and hope you will start to feel better soon. Blessings Helen ❤❤ |
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Post by kibbins on Oct 27, 2020 2:54:30 GMT
Helsbells yes I def relate to all of your story too. Even down to the comparisons of young female celebs. I also remember him reminding me of guys who got famous who left their same age wives for younger women, and how he is in the industry and moving up. It’s really sick now that I think about it. I am pretty sure he must be a covert narc or some sort of cluster B type because when I think about everything in depth.... the very last convo we had, the “emotional” one where he ran away, I was basically just asking him to consider us to be on a team, and he suggested he had been born “without the compassion gene” though wished he had. The woman he is with now, is someone a lot of guys in his friend group lusted after, yet he was so judgmental about MY career, and she has never had a job.. He was very vocal about how he would not introduce his ex before me, who is a famous interior designer in Architecural Digest, to his parents, because his father would think she was “trash”. I was constantly second guessing myself career wise, looks wise, everything. I remember the first time I met his friends, I was so nervous I don’t think I made a good impression, because of how built up this had become. Previously I integrated easily into exes friend groups to where I would text with them all the time and still am close with most of them. It’s too weird for me to even speak about this with them/my friends because they don’t really understand how I would get myself caught up in something so dysfunctional nor do they understand the ins and outs of avoidant attachment which I think me coming to understand this is one of the reasons I didn’t walk away. To a “normal” person, all of this is just an obvious “why would you bother?” type thing. Anyway. I just feel really damaged after this, also. I do feel there is SOMETHING to the point where— his friend Nick did all the heavy lifting of integrating this woman into their friend group for a decade (like in a healthy long term relationship) and so he was able to form a secure attachment with her since he has sooo many secure friend attachments so that is an area of strength for him. Like, he sends his friends who have kids gifts out of the blue all the time and is in constant contact with all of them. I’m sure that right now.... this probably feels good for him. I don’t think he will eventually be able to escape the sexual probs and everything else mentioned here, even though he is in therapy with someone he asked me to find him. And like alexandra said, once it becomes more real I def see him deactivating... plus, just the reaching out to me while she was out of town... anyway! Sorry just thinking aloud on this thread since I literally don’t talk to anyone else about this. It would make me feel really good to learn his relationship has already failed. It’s definitely making me question my self worth obviously. It’s especially cruel in my opinion that this happened during COVID, but I’m thankful I have some close healthy friends I’ve been spending a lot of time with. I do know that over time, we will get over this, and be stronger humans as a result. <3
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Interpreting attraction correctly, in context of our upbringing and core wounds, and knowing when to "observe" rather than act on attraction is one life skill that could prevent so much heart ache.