Obsessive over actions during break up

joan, he's FA, controlling (ie feels out of control of his environment due to being FA and is trying to get it back somehow), and insecure (and probably immature). He's likely doing this because he's deep in the comparison trap, wants validation, wants to hear he's the best and you won't leave him, while he broke up with you and would rather focus on your behavior and perhaps project blame than his own mistakes.

3 months isn't enough time for any significant change when dealing with attachment style clash issues. He hasn't changed and neither have you, as neither of you had time or focus or desire to do the work yet. So your dynamic can't change very much from your first dating go-around, even though he "came back." It will repeat. It won't magically improve.

So what are you looking for out of the situation and dynamic?

I agree with lovebunny that you need to set a boundary here. Keep communication open, but don't have the same conversation endlessly. The reason that's happening is because you two aren't getting to or resolving the underlying and core issues inherent to your dynamic. You don't need to apologize or disclose all your behavior for when you were single. You got to deal with that however you wanted, and he has no right to be upset because he ended things. If he didn't want you with others, he should have worked them out not left. But, I'm also concerned about you lying to him too. Because it indicates legitimate trust and communication issues on both of your sides, which will eventually kill a romantic relationship if they aren't addressed and changed.

Good luck!

Thanks for the reply lovebunny.  I suppose that's one of my problems, setting boundaries and sticking with them.  I tried to set down the boundary of telling him it wasn't his business.  We were broken up.  Not only that, but he had broken up with me and went on to online dating himself.  He claims he never went out with anyone, so that leaves me being the bad guy because I actually did.  

Lately I have been getting more firm in ending the conversation and not being responsive when he starts in on me.  I've also told him we can't continue because he won't let this go.  The guilting and shaming has been way too much.  Yet even when I try to set down boundaries I end up feeling guilty for it or he somehow ends up making me feel bad about it.  

Interesting forum here, but hi everyone. It's me...Joans FA she's been talking about all these years

I was wondering why she couldn't take her eyes off these forums the whole time during our last argument but let me help you out and give the posters here a little insight to more of the story...

Your partner came back after a 3 month break up which he initiated after finding out that you were lying to him and how he saw no self improvement in your behavior and lifestyle after fighting so hard for you to become a more independent, stronger woman. After 4.5 years he decided that all of your red flags had finally started to pile up. You and him were not in a relationship even thought it felt like one to you but during this time he never lied to you and told you that you were in a relationship. He was completely forward and honest about the fact that he wants his partner to be the best version of themselves and you weren’t showcasing that to him. He asked you to quit smoking and you didn’t even take a major step towards quitting. He explained to you how trying to have a working life while being a full time caretaker for his father who has dementia was weighing down on him and causing him to be depressed. Because of this he didn’t feel like he could give you 100% at times, and would understand if you wanted to end things or go find someone who could be there for you full time. You told him you didn’t mind and you were ok with the little bit he was offering and you had no problems with it. He saw potential for a relationship with you and thats why he tried with you for so long but after a while he decided to finally give up and broke up with you.

During those 3 months he was devastated and missed his best friend. All he thought about was you and how much he cared for you and wanted you in his life. His mother working from home during the whole pandemic free’d up a lot of his mental energy and life stresses of taking care of his father with her being able to help out way more. During this time he thought a lot to himself and was willing to look past your flaws and red flags. He thought maybe he had been a little to harsh in making sudden decisions. But he had gone through break ups before and figured this was just the typical emotions someone would go through. He decided to try and be strong during the break up and not contact you. After some time he finally cracked after a series of events and decided to initiate contact and you told him how much you missed him and wanted to see him again.

When he finally met up with you, he asked you how you were doing and you tell him you had been online dating and dating guys who were the same ethnicity as him and pretty much trying to “replace him.” That was a little strange but he understood it to some degree. Unfortunately during this time he hadn’t been dating anybody. He created an online dating profile after some recommendations from some friends since they noticed he had been feeling down. They said he should just put myself back out there and it would help him forget about you. He tried it for about a week or two but never followed through with much more than a conversation with a few people. He almost met up with one person for a coffee but the thoughts of you were still too deep and he ended up flaking after getting nervous about the idea.

You told him you only dated 3 people and only went as far as kissing one. Plus you sweared on your life, and your families lives that it was the truth. As the weeks went on each week was a new lie from the other and you continued to tell him that "there wasn't anything else he would have to worry about." Also him asking both of you to get STD testing done wasn't necessary because you "hadn't slept with or been with anybody."

As the first few lies started you told your partner that you weren’t comfortable telling the truth about the situation and that you’re more comfortable writing/journalling things down. So you wrote him a 7 page letter outlining what you done during the time that you and him weren’t together. Through the next couple of weeks your partner had to discover that the “letter” you wrote him was a completely fabricated lie and not even true as there was way more to the stories. As the lies piled up, your partner had to find out about several one night stand encounters and drug fueled drinking, cocaine, weed, and ecstasy parties and weekend getaways(one which you were even communicating with him during and telling him how much you missed him). Plus he had to find out you were the drug dealer/supplier at these parties As time progressed you trickle truthed your way to several other lies and your partner had to discover that you went on about 25 dates in a 1 month time span with a lot of different guys. This was discovered up until last week and new men seem to keep popping up and adding to the list every few days. Keep in mind after each new guy that is discovered you tell him that “thats it, there is nobody else and thats the truth." (Edit: also after reading your post history you wrote in another post that you were only intimate with one guy but that was a lie. So you weren't even telling the truth to complete strangers on the internet?)

Through 5 couples counseling sessions your counselor told you that your partner values honesty and you expressed that you were fearful that he would leave if you told him the truth. Even though you had lied to him several times already at this point and yet he was still sticking by your side through all this. Even telling you several times “I’m not looking for a reason to leave, I’m looking for a reason to stay.” But yet this still wasn’t enough reasoning for you to tell the truth because more lies continued after this. Lying about hanging out with more guys during those 3 months. Then hanging out with your friends, and lying about still talking and hanging out with your ex-husband and borrowing money from him after we had gotten back together. Also you went as far as to reassure your partner you wanted nothing to do with those guys you were talking to or dated and you want nothing to do with your ex-husband either. So you decided to change your phone number and also said you blocked all of their numbers and contacts. But then a few days after you decided to reinitiate contact with all those men you dated with your new number and tell them that your partner might be getting in contact with them and if they could do you a “favor and ignore him or just tell him that you don’t remember me.”

I’d love to say this whole thing has been an attachment style problem and interesting seeing all these posts over the years of you psychoanalyzing your partner. Last week it was a narcissistic problem and before that it was an astrology compatibility problem. Then the week before that it was something because a psychic told you something

But this is a toxic relationship and toxic problem of someone simply not being able to tell the truth and continuously lies to their partner. Your partner has no problem with you being sexual with other men. You were single and you were free to do whatever you wanted. Just sucks he had to find out you had a drug and lying issue with all of that. But he just asked you to tell him the truth and that his boundaries for a relationship were to have a truthful honest relationship with someone. He was just trying to move forward from all this once and for all, but every week a new trickle truth seems to pop up so it’s making this very hard to move forward from.

I don’t understand how any of this is your partners problem when all you had to do is respect him as a human being and tell him the truth when asked or simply that you couldn’t be back together with him because you weren’t able to tell the truth moving forward or just tell him you couldn't be with him at all?

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Sorry for the wall of text and potential horrible grammar but after rereading this story back it honestly feelings like a creative writing prompt. There is even more to the story but this is me trying to keep it short.

Edit: Jesus...Joan! I just read through your full post history and wow! Umm....why in the world have you even been with me all this time if those posts are really how you feel? 

Welcome to the boards.....one thing that was a huge red flag for me is how you refer to wanting the best for Joan....but then, the best for Joan had to be what you considered the best.  That is an enmeshment issue that is worth exploring if you have a therapist.  I also do not understand why the need to refer yourself as “he” and “your partner”.  Certainly you can own your feelings with I statements.  There is so much defensiveness and judgement written into these paragraphs that really does not belong here...it belongs in a a dialogue between the two of you.  

Welcome! Welcome!  I think this is the first time I have seen this as well where we get both sides of the story.  It really makes more sense when you hear 2 sides.  I don't blame you for posting.  I can imagine it's like a gut punch for you to see what someone has written about you.  Sort of like reading someone's diary, but it's all here on a public forum.  I can only hope it gives you BOTH some clarity and either a chance to work on things in an honest manner or decide that you are better not together.  No relationship is perfect or even close .  They all take work, and lots of it.  I have no idea if you plan on staying, but there is a lot to be learned here. 

It's obvious that you both care for each other,  or the passion and the hurt wouldn't be there. People stay together because they see something good in the relationship they are not willing to give up yet.  It's not for other people to say if you should or should not be together.  It's only up to the people in the relationship.  

Thanks and yes, obviously I care about her a lot and its been hard to try to let go but like her but I know its the right thing to do. This relationship hasn't been healthy for either of us especially since shes crossed my boundaries several times. Unfortunately Joans got issues that she needs to work out on her own and that are still going to be there even if I'm in the picture or not. I've tried to work on things with her but it's been difficult as you can tell. But definitely everything has been a major gut punch. I appreciate the input and its definitely something both her and I need to take a step back and look at and hopefully become better from it.



Originally I left her several times in the 4.5 years that her and I were together when things were not in to my expectations ex. her smoking. My heart wasn't in it those 4.5 years. But she would call me and beg me to come back and promise that she would change and I would give her another chance. This was like a monthly occurrence. At one point I even remember telling her "you must really like toxic relationships because why do you keep coming back to this?" Just look at her post history. You'll see how bad and toxic it was and is. It was always her begging me to come back until this time it was me begging her to come back into her life but I did set my boundaries when I did come back. She just couldn't meet those expectations and lied and told me she could. 

My role in this relationship was always leading her towards self improvement. She would always mention how jealous she was at how independent and strong I was mentally and physically. I've known what my role is and has been since the beginning but she just didn't want to meet me halfway. It was always me giving 90% and her giving me 10% if that. 

Things are just a little different for me now. I don't feel as strong as I did before because my heart is invested in it now. I guess thats probably why I dont have the same strength to pull the plug this time around.